Narrowing Your Focus: Will The 30-Day Sex Challenge Improve Relationship Intimacy?

As magnificent as sex can be, sex can seem to grow stale, boring, or a bit rusty after being with a partner long-term. Many couples report diminished libidos while in a long-term relationship, largely due to a loss of novelty; when you are single, you might move from place to place or person to person, essentially on the prowl, but in a relationship, things get a bit easier. You know where to go, what to expect, and how to behave. 

Although the predictability involved is largely what makes relationships wonderful and comforting, predictability in the bedroom can prove painful and downright frustrating sometimes. Can a 30-day sex challenge change that?

What is the 30-day sex challenge?

The 30-day sex challenge began as a thread on Reddit, wherein a couple described their plan to embark on 30 days of sexual adventure. The couple planned to try one new sex act each day or put a new spin on an old favorite in the original thread. Since the original, however, the challenge has expanded to include different variations, ranging from the simplest (having sex every day for 30 days straight) to the more difficult (try one new position each day for 30 days). That said, the heart of the challenge usually remains the same: to increase the connection you feel to your partner, engage with your sexuality, and invite fun back into your sex life.

While the challenge was specific to one couple's relationship, enough people found the idea exciting and intriguing that more couples began to take the challenge themselves. From there, several magazines picked up the story and further expounded on it, and the challenge has enjoyed a cozy bit of fame and notoriety since. Despite being something of a novelty when it began, it can be a wonderful way to bring your relationship to a better, healthier space.

Is there one specific challenge?

The challenge is designed to strengthen and improve relationships. For that reason alone, it is important to tailor the 30-day challenge to suit your needs. If your sexual rut is due largely to the infrequency with which you are having sex, a 30-day type challenge encouraging you and your partner to engage in any sexual activity each day might be enough. If your sexual life is active enough but has gotten boring, you can use the 30-day type of challenge to try new things and explore different ways to experience pleasure with one another. Ultimately, the challenge is taken on as a means of fending off boredom, predictability, and routine and finding joy, fun, and pleasure in each other.

Combing through the challenges other couples have undertaken can be useful. It can help you come up with ideas of your own and help you and your partner talk through some of the trickier aspects of sexuality, such as specific niche interests or possible fantasies. It is far easier, for instance, to read about someone else engaging in light bondage and turn to your partner and ask, "Is that something that piques your interest?" than it is to out of the blue blurt out, "I want to try something new!"

Remember that your goal in this challenge is to explore, improve communication, and increase your relationship satisfaction. If at any point, some of the challenges make you or your partner uncomfortable, you can stop, reassess, and move forward in a completely different direction; there are no referees to call you out on a perceived lack of commitment and no accountability partners to call and "tsk tsk" you back into your schedule. What you do and do not do is entirely up to you and your partner.

Why 30 days?

21-28 days is often erroneously cited as a concrete number to describe how long it takes to adopt a new habit. The 30-day type of challenge operates with a similar idea in mind, though it does not adhere to the traditional numeral; having sex every day for thirty days is not so short that you will reap few results, but not so long that the sex will grow tiresome, difficult, or overwhelming. Thirty days is a small enough number to encourage but not overwhelm.

Do 30-day sex challenges increase intimacy?

Any time you are engaging in a regular sexual relationship with someone, the possibility for improved intimacy improves. Even in friends-with-benefits relationships, long-term sexual partnership usually creates feelings of closeness, some amount of loyalty, and an increased desire to make sacrifices for your sexual partner. In keeping your sexual relationship alive and well, you are likely paving a stronger road to closeness, intimacy, and a strong relationship.

Sex is linked to intimacy for several reasons, including hormonal, emotional, and mental responses to sexual activity. When you have sex, your body releases a series of hormones, including oxytocin. Although "feel-good" hormones are often given when discussing sex, oxytocin is a hormone that encourages closeness and bonding between people, suggesting that sex is not only pleasurable during the act helpful in helping people feel bonded and close to their partner.

Sex can also increase your likelihood of expressing yourself with your partner and opening  up with someone you love is a huge and powerful way to increase intimacy. yourself during or after sex is a simple, effective way to create, encourage, and maintain an intimate relationship.

When you have great sex, your closeness to and satisfaction with your partner can increase, diminishing the chances of infidelity, and strengthening your likelihood of staying together. Couples who engage in sex regularly are more likely to stay together and express happiness in their relationship than couples who do not have sex frequently. All of this adds to the notion that sex is a vital part of a strong, healthy, committed relationship, and a 30-day type of challenge can be a wonderful way to bring a dwindling sex life back into great focus.

30-day sex challenge pitfalls

When you try something new, you risk discovering you do not like whatever it is you are trying. The same is true of a 30-day sex challenge. You might discover some forms of foreplay that you don't like, or you might discover that sex every day is far too much for your needs. Either way, it can be hard to discover things you don't like. Communication will play an important role in any 30-day type of challenge so that you can let your partner know that you are uncomfortable, or your partner can do the same.

A 30-day sex challenge can also prompt some uncomfortable conversations that couples might have been avoiding. Looking at your sex life might spark questions such as, "Why have we stopped having sex?” or “Where has our intimacy gone?" Although the challenge is supposed to be fun, it can also bring to light some aspects of yourself or your relationship that you might have to let go of, or that you should reprioritize. If this is the case, it might be wise to take some time to sort through those questions before actually starting the challenge.

Additionally, sex alone does not always foster intimacy; if sex involves shaming, unkind, or abusive behavior, intimacy will not grow but will lessen. In healthy sexual relationships, intimacy flourishes. In unhealthy sexual relationships, intimacy begins to curdle. If you and your partner have an unhealthy relationship or an unhealthy sexual relationship, a 30-day challenge could do more harm to one or both of you than it can help. In this case, it would be best to first work through your relationship woes and then engage in this type of challenge. If you or someone you know is experiencing any kind of abuse, including through an intimate relationship, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), and someone will offer you immediate support.

Sex challenge vs. therapy: What does my relationship need?

While 30 days of sex might initially seem daunting, many couples can attest: having sex -- or engaging in some kind of sexual activity -- every day for thirty days is not only manageable, it is downright magnificent. The 30-day sex challenge can be used by people in a newer relationship and who want to get to know one another's sexual tastes and appetites or be used by people who have been married for decades and want to explore some aspects of their sexuality that have previously gone unexplored. Whatever relationship stage you and your partner are in, or whatever your purpose is in taking a 30-day sex challenge, there is likely to be some schedule or system that works for you.

There may be stumbling blocks for couples experiencing far more than a simple loss of sexual engagement or interest. Couples who have been battling relationship troubles might want to consider seeking therapy before engaging in a challenge, as a sex challenge could exacerbate some issues. The licensed online therapists on Regain.Us are equipped to offer therapy for couples seeking relationship help and improvement. Through Regain, users can schedule appointments at convenient times and attend sessions from an isolated location.  

Many people have found ways to improve their sex lives and intimacy with their partner through seeking online therapy. In one randomized controlled trial, 80 pregnant women ages 18-35 were assigned to either a control group receiving prenatal care or an experimental group receiving prenatal care and virtual cognitive behavioral counseling. By the end of the study, participants in the experimental group experienced significant improvements in sexual functioning and intimacy, suggesting that online therapy is an efficacious treatment for supporting pregnant people in improving their sex lives. In a separate study, participants sought support for a range of sexual difficulties. 30 cisgender women experiencing sexual interest/arousal disorder engaged in at least one of the eight modules of an online mindfulness-based therapeutic intervention, and results yielded evidence that the online interventions were successful in improving reported symptoms.

Takeaway

If you and your partner are searching for a way to improve your connection, foster intimacy, and create stronger bonds, a 30-day sex challenge could be extremely helpful. What started as one couple's foray into more sexual exploration has turned into a way for countless couples to challenge themselves and one another, improve connection, and cultivate a sexual relationship that is healthy, fulfilling, and thriving. If you’re curious to learn more about how to improve intimacy within your relationship, consider reaching out to a Regain online therapist today.