Is He Coming On Too Strong? Five Red Flags You Should Never Ignore
The initial pursuit of a relationship is often the most exciting part. Flirting, dancing around the issue, and eventually deciding to date is an exciting part of any new relationship. Many people find it intoxicating. There is a difference, though, between a healthy pursuit of a relationship, and coming on far too strong. It may be wise to consider potential red flags.
What does “too strong” look like?
Coming on too strong could mean pursuing someone too aggressively. There is some room for error, here, and it can vary depending on the individual. For example, some people want to be pursued somewhat aggressively. They may prefer to sit back and wait for someone to come to them. Others may want to engage in mutual pairing. This is where both parties simultaneously demonstrate interest in one another and move forward on equal footing.
Regardless of individual preferences, coming on too strong often looks like overwhelming someone with calls, texts, or in-person visits. It could present as someone trying to forge a romantic commitment after only a few days of knowing someone, for example. Maybe you just had one date with a guy, and now he’s suddenly calling you ten times a week, making you feel nervous or pressured. Coming on too strong might initially feel flattering, but can also be a means of creating discomfort, fear, and uncertainty within a relationship.
Why is it dangerous?
In some cases, coming on a little strong could be essentially harmless. It may simply mean the guy is excited about your relationship and wants to see it flourish. In other cases, though, coming on strong could be an indication of jealousy, deceit, or control issues, all of which have the potential to harm you and your partner. If, at any point, you feel unsafe in your relationship, be sure to reach out to someone who can help like a trusted friend or mental health professional. When he is coming on strong and you signal you are not ready, watch for his reaction. If he doesn’t back down, this could be dangerous.
Sometimes it’s hard to know the difference between someone being flirty or demonstrating potentially problematic behavior. Either way, it takes time to get to know someone. If you prefer to take it slow and get to know each other better with less pressure, that’s understandable. You should always feel comfortable saying, “Let’s slow this down and get to know each other better before we move forward".
Five red flags you should never ignore
Don't ignore these common red flags:
1) Demonstrating controlling behavior
Controlling behavior is a serious red flag. It should make you jump ship immediately because in the long term, it could turn into abuse. Controlling behavior can be difficult to detect and is often seemingly harmless at first. A partner might begin attempts at control with simple demands made upon you and your time. For example, he might insist that you speak to him even when you’ve told him that you don’t have time or that you are otherwise engaged. He might also demand that you do things according to his timetable such as seeing a movie at the time most convenient for him, rather than taking your needs into account.
If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text "START" to 88788. You can also use the online chat.
Although these little things might not seem to be a big deal when you’ve just started dating, they could be red flags that signal a bigger problem in the future. Often, people who struggle with control issues exhibit smaller, more palatable types of control initially and continually build up to reach more intense levels of control and manipulation. At the outset, little tests may help him determine how much control you are willing to relinquish over your life and decisions.
2) Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can also seem innocuous at first. Essentially, it’s another red flag that can be easy to miss. You might find yourself constantly second-guessing yourself when the two of you have disagreements. You may wonder if you misheard him, and he might regularly insist on his version of events. He might even suggest that you are crazy, unstable, or overly dramatic for reacting the way that you react. He could make it seems as though most of the problems you encounter in your relationship are due to how immature, naïve, or inexperienced you are. In severe cases, he may even portray himself as some savior figure who deigns to deal with your silly, uncouth behavior.
Again, this type of manipulation often starts small and then begins to build. The escalation may be slow enough that it can be hard to detect until it’s become unbearable. At this stage, you might find yourself wondering if you are crazy, or unlovable, or too dramatic ever to be taken seriously. The danger of gaslighting is that, over time, it breaks down your ability to trust yourself. It can even make you feel as though you have lost your mind.
3) Using guilt
Using guilt to manipulate someone is never healthy, appropriate, or safe. Using guilt is a dangerous tactic, as it pins all of the weight and responsibility on the person being controlled while relieving the controller of any accountability. Common phrases used to guilt someone into behaving a certain way include, “If you loved me, you would…” and “I just love you so much…” A guy who’s already using guilt as a control tactic early on should make you pause to consider what he is really looking for in this relationship and what he is expecting from you.
Using guilt at the very beginning of a relationship might look like him telling you that you have a special connection, and it’s meant to be, although he hardly knows you. He might look for signs, like having a compatible zodiac sign, or other extraneous connections. Maybe the types of men you’re usually attracted to are commitment-phobes, so you feel a certain pressure to go for the kind of men who are looking for a higher level of commitment. But if you just met a guy, and he already says it’s time to take things to the next level, be on guard. If you feel uncomfortable in any way, then it may be wise to listen to your gut.
Guilt can be an effective control tactic. It can make you feel as though you do not have a say in your own life. It might even cause you to feel like an ungrateful, horrible human being, even if this is light-years from the truth. Any form of manipulation is dangerous and staying in a relationship with someone who wields guilt as a weapon can be harmful to your emotional and mental wellbeing.
4) Using double standards
Double standards are another red flag to watch out for. For example, you might notice that he doesn’t seem to like that you hang out with your friends periodically, but is always allowed to hang out with his friends. You might notice that he places a lot of emphasis on knowing where you are at all times and making sure that you are checking in but fails to ever let you know where he is, what he is doing, or who he is doing it with. Like other red flags, double standards can also start small and grow.
Initially, double standards might seem minuscule. For example, he wants you to text him back quickly, but he can take a day or two to respond. He might grow frustrated with your propensity for emotional outbursts, but then lash out in anger at the drop of a hat. Any rule, unspoken or spoken, that favors him over you and demonizes your behavior is not reasonable or appropriate.
5) Displaying secretive behavior
Being in a relationship does not mean that you are privy to every single moment of someone else’s life. You and your partner should both have friends, interests, and activities outside of one another to maintain a well-balanced and robust life. But if you find that your partner seems jumpy and uncomfortable if you ask questions about what he did, glance at his phone, or request to use his computer for any length of time, that could signal a problem.
Many people feel uncomfortable and violated if someone looks at their computer or phone. Some people use these devices as journals, of sorts. Some sense of violation may be normal. When it is not a mild discomfort, though, but extreme jumpiness, defensive behavior, or all-out panic that your partner exhibits when you go near his things, it could indicate that he is hiding something.
Paying attention to red flags
The beginning of a relationship can be exciting. Sometimes, people experiencing infatuation may fail to acknowledge problems that arise soon after beginning to date because doing so would mean the loss of the relationship. As tempting as it may be to ignore early relationship red flags and hope for the best, this may not be the wisest course of action.
Acknowledging red flags can be less damaging than you might think. It could start with a simple conversation with your partner, describing your concerns, and clarifying any issues you might have.
From there, if your partner refuses to acknowledge any inappropriate behavior, or insists that you are to blame for whatever unhealthy behaviors he is exhibiting, it could be time to take a step back from the relationship. You might decide to center yourself by spending time with people you know, love, and trust, who will give you unwavering support, and constructive criticism without the cruelty or manipulation involved in many abusive or otherwise controlling relationships.
Seeking help
If you have found that your partner is exhibiting some of the tell-tale signs above, you may feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or fearful at the prospect of broaching the issue. In these cases, consider taking someone with you to act as a mediator. Sometimes, a simple conversation is all it takes to bring awareness to your partner and his behavior. Other times, it may be necessary to involve outside parties, including loved ones, therapists, or other mental health professionals.
Seeking help from an outsider can be intimidating, especially in an in-person setting. This is one of the barriers many people experience when considering counseling or other intervention. Online therapy may provide a less threatening solution. Many people find it easier to talk about sensitive issues in a web-based environment as opposed to a clinical setting. This form of remote counseling is also more convenient since it can be accessed from your home.
Online therapy has also been proven effective. One meta-analysis of studies found no significant differences in terms of outcomes between people undergoing internet-based therapy versus in-person therapy.
Counselor reviews
“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”
“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”
Takeaway
The therapists from Regain are equipped to address a variety of relationship issues, including instances of manipulation, abuse, and control. Reaching out for help does not mean that you’ve failed, that you’re weak, or that you’re unlovable. Instead, it means that you’re smart enough to recognize your situation has gotten out of control. It also means you’re brave enough to ask for help.
If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text "START" to 88788. You can also use the online chat.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How do you know if a guy is serious about you?
Of course, it is impossible to speak generally about all men or all women. Certain types of men will pursue you with flowers and chocolates, while others might play it cool and ask to hang out. It all depends on preferences, and what you're comfortable with.
- Signs he's interested in you is he wants to spend time with you outside of sex. He is not getting to know you and spending time with the express intention of hooking up. He might spend hours just talking, or helping you figure out a problem, and he does not ask you or pressure you to sleep with him in return. If toward the beginning of the relationship, you reject hooking up with him, and suddenly he drops off the face of the earth, then he might have only been looking for a sexual relationship. If you only want a sexual relationship as well, then go for it! But if you are looking for something more serious, then it might be time to let him go and look for other options.
- He wants to meet and get to know your family and friends. This is a sign he's making an effort to get to know you and those in your life. If you have kids, instead of shying away from them, he instead wants to get to know them and be present in their lives, this is on of the biggest isgns he's interested in sticking around for a while. He might really make an effort around your parents or siblings, and try to get to know them and treat them well even when you aren't around. When you are spending time with him and your friends, he does not try to separate you from the group, or keep you "all to himself," but instead lets you spend time with your friends, and enjoys spending time with them as well, because he knows it's important to you. If there's no future he will avoid coming around when you have your kids, or avoid coming to your family functions. If he's ready to settle down, he will want to be a part of all facets of your life.
- He is attentive and listens. This very important quality will come through in little gestures. He might remember your favorite restaurant, or when you have an important presentation at work. He could send you thoughtful little good night texts, or ask you if you're feeling better if you were sick. These are signs that he loves to listen to you, and he wants to get to know you better. A healthy relationship involves communicating. If he's eager to hear more, these are telltail signs he's intrigued by you and are signs he's ready for a long term relationship.
- He respects your boundaries. Take a moment to think about what boundaries are important to you in a relationship. Do you want to wait a few dates before sleeping together? Do you feel better knowing him personally before you explore more serious commitment? Let him know, and see how he reacts. If you say no to sex the first time, and he suddenly loses interest, then that shows what his true motive was from the beginning.
- He does favors for you and expects nothing in return. A great partner will be there through thick and thin. He won't just show up when he needs favors, or disappear as soon as the going gets tough. He will be committed to you regardless of what you need at that time. If that means walking through the rain to buy you tampons or picking your kids up from school when you can't make it or patiently helping you study for a test, a high-quality partner is there for the good times and the bad. If he does these things, then never uses it as leverage in a fight or expects you to pay him back somehow, then you've found a keeper. If he avoid coming around because you may need help, the he has no business being in your life. A goog partner is strong no matter what the situation.
- He is vulnerable and honest with you and shows you his emotions. The relationship needs to go both ways! If he does everything for you and comes across as Mr. Wonderful, then he could be putting himself in a power position. But if he is also open about his needs, wants, fears, and hopes, then you've opened the possibility of a two-way, healthy, and meaningful relationship. Try encouraging him to be open with you, and let him know that you will never judge him or put him down. You are not just dating dating, you are committed to dating him no matter what he is going through. Dating advice from relationship experts says that your're coming along well in your relationship if he is open and honest with you.
Why do guys become clingy?
There could be a lot of reasons why someone is suddenly clingy. Some are more concerning than others, so you should always pay very close attention to emotional cues and take time in getting to know each other.
- He is excited about you. When you really like someone, you want to know everything about them. You want to be close to them. You want to be important in their life. He could just be really loving the process of getting to know you, and the clinginess will slow down over time. This is quite common at the beginning of a relationship.
- He needs you right now. He might be going through something difficult emotionally, and he needs support. If this is temporary, and you both love and respect each other very much, then you can be there for him and support him. But everyone has limits, and if he is very needy for a long time and you get nothing in return, then this can truly drag you down and have negative effects on your mental and physical health. Make sure the clinginess doesn't get so extreme that it's draining.
- He has abandonment issues. If a major figure in his life has left him, and taken stability away from him, then he could still be dealing with the trauma of that abandonment. He may have family he's not in touch with or speaking to any longer. He might be afraid that you will leave him, or find someone better, or suddenly disappear. Speak with him about these fears, and if he needs help, encourage him to seek help. If you are aware of these problems, you should also be very careful about committing to this person, because if you are not entirely interested, and later on you want to break up, it might be especially hard for him to relive that trauma. Try speaking with him frankly about what you hope for in the future. Be honest. If you don't see it lasting for a long time, or if you are just dating for fun and temporary companionship, let him know so that you can be on the same page.
- He is worried about leaving you alone. Maybe he has been cheated on in the past, or maybe he does not entirely trust you. He might be worried, consciously, or subconsciously, about what will happen if he leaves you alone for too long. Talk to him about these trust problems, because they could be a symptom of a greater problem in your relationship.
- He is exhibiting controlling behaviors. Some controlling behaviors include:
- Controlling what you wear
- Controlling who you talk to or who you go out with
- Using guilt as a control tactic by making you feel bad about going out, being honest, giving him space, etc.
- Criticizing you. This could be criticizing what you eat, who your friends are, what you study, or anything about you. There is a difference between constructive criticism meant to build someone up and help them get better, and just trying to tear someone down so that they feel insecure.
- Gaslighting you. This means he makes you feel crazy, confused, or mentally unstable. This tactic is meant to make you question your own perspective and reality over time.
- Looking through your phone or computer, or reading personal messages.
Why is he coming on so strong?
To answer this question, you need to figure out what he is really after. If he has chill communication in general with you, this can be tricky. Does he want sudden commitment, or is he really interested in sex? If you want to find out, you will need to set some boundaries and be open about what you want. If you aren't comfortable having sex yet, then tell him, and see how he reacts. If he is relaxed and tells you that it's no problem, you can wait, then he probably just really wants to get to know you. But if, once sex is off the table, he disappears, then you will realize what he actually wanted all along. If you are also just interested in casual sex, then he could be a potential partner. But if you want more, then you might not be compatible with him. You can be chilled and staunchly committed to a sexual relationship or want someone who posts on social media how much he cannot wait to see you again. You need to understand what both mean for you, long term.
He also might be interested in commitment too soon, which could also be a red flag, because it would be difficult for him to really know if he likes you without even seeing your personality yet. If he is exhibiting controlling behaviors, then that will be a major red flag. If he is suddenly making you feel guilty for not responding, trying to criticize you or your friends, using double standards, or displaying strange, secretive behavior, then his sudden interest might be a red flag.
Check out our article above for more red flags to look for when he comes on too strong.
Why do guys back off when they like you?
Sometimes new feelings can be scary, especially if you have abandonment issues or if you have been hurt in the past. Perhaps this person simply isn't looking for commitment right now, or he does not want to get hurt later on, so he takes a step back. This is a sign of someone with disorganized attachment which is a common psychological response to have an absent or inconsistent parent as a baby.
The other explanation could be that he's not actually interested, or he was just interested in sex, and once he got it he was no longer available. It can be heartbreaking to realize that he has moved on, especially if the relationship was exciting and short-lived, but ultimately, he may have done you a favor, because now you are free to find someone who you are more compatible with. There are plenty of people who are looking for the same things you are looking for, but you will not find them if you are unavailable or otherwise committed to someone who isn't right for you.
How do you know if a guy is playing you?
In your question, we can assume that "playing" means that he is giving you just enough care and affection such that you become sexually available, but he is not really interested in commitment. But luckily, there are some ways you can find out what he is truthfully looking for.
- He only comes around to hook up. If you want a casual sexual relationship, then this is no problem. But if you want something more, and all he wants is sex, then he might be playing with you just to get what he wants. Try telling him that you don't want to have sex, and see how he reacts. Does he tell you that it's no problem, and spend time with you anyway? Or does he suddenly disappear, or become annoyed and disappointed?
- He displays strange and secretive behavior. Someone who loves you and is ready to commit to you will lean on you for emotional support and show you all sides of themselves, even their most vulnerable ones. But if he has never invited you to his house, or if he takes you far away to go on dates, or if you often frequent hotels and motels, then he could be hiding something from you, or hiding you from someone else.
- He never dresses up for you. He is staunchly committed to basketball shorts and a tee shirt.
- He avoids commitment. If you act like a couple, constantly hanging out, sleeping together, and relying on each other, but he avoids making it "official," this is a red flag. He is probably not ready for commitment, and he might just want something temporary. Try talking to him about what you want from him and in life, and listening to his responses. If both of you have the same goals and want the same things in life, then you are compatible! But if you know you are ready for kids and marriage, and he is not, especially if he is older, then you might just not be looking for the same things, and it might be best to find someone you have more in common with.
How does a man act when he's falling in love?
Everyone acts differently when they fall in love. But there are some signs you can look for.
- He does favors for you without expecting anything in return.
- He wants to spend a lot of time with you and he enjoys getting to know you.
- He respects your boundaries and never guilts or pressures you.
- He drops hints by saying things like, "I’ve never felt this way before,” “I miss you,” or “You are very special to me.”
- He makes an effort to stay in touch even when he is traveling or otherwise absent.
- He surprises you with gifts.
- He listens and remembers what you tell him; he spends hours to chill and communicate with you.
- He smiles and laughs a lot, and genuinely enjoys just spending time with you.
- He looks for reasons to talk to you and spend time with you.
- He prioritizes you in his life and chooses you over other people or work.
- He commits, calls you his girlfriend or boyfriend, and makes it very clear that you are dating officially and exclusively.
- What’s important to you, is important to him.
- He shows you his emotions, and he is willing to be open and vulnerable with you.
Is texting everyday clingy?
No, texting every day is not clingy. It is normal to text a lot when you are first getting to know someone, and you want to know more about them
However, the conversation should flow and feel natural. If only one person is directing and pushing the conversation then the other person might just be going along with it. Pay attention to who starts the conversation. If you are the only one who texts first, then step back and give the person some space, because you don’t want to pressure them into forming a relationship that they don’t want or are not ready for.
How do you tell if you’re being too clingy?
Always put the focus on the other person and pay attention to their reaction. If you are being too clingy, you are always starting the conversation, you are always asking to hang out, and you are constantly pressuring them to give you more. If you really want to find out if you are being too clingy, then take a step back and see how the other person reacts. If the conversation suddenly dies, and the other person does not do anything to revive it, then you were being pushy, and the other person might not be interested. But if you take a step back and the other person still reaches out and stays in touch, then they are interested as well, and they are probably comfortable with how often you talk. Alternatively, you could also simply ask the person what they are looking for in your relationship. You don’t need to say, “Am I clingy?” or something quite so forward. Rather just ask them, “Are you comfortable with how often we talk? I really enjoy talking to you, but I’ve worried that it can be a lot, so I want to know what’s normal for you.”
Is being clingy a turn off?
This will depend on the person and the situation. For example, one person might love it when you are clingy, while another person might become annoyed. The same person could ask you to be clingy at one point in their life, then later ask for space.
For this reason, it is important to read the situation and take it slow. If you are always texting first, then take a break and see if he or she reaches out without your prompting. Make sure you aren’t pressuring someone into something they’re uncomfortable with. But to know if your clinginess is a problem, try the two simple things:
- Ask them, “Are you comfortable with how much we talk, or with how much time we spend together?” Don’t pressure this other person, just make sure you’re on the same page.
- Ask yourself, why do I constantly want to spend time with this person? Do I just like him or her? Or am I dealing with personal insecurities and fears? If you are worried to leave this person alone, or if you have noticed some red flags, then have that serious, honest conversation with yourself and search for answers.
Why do guys does this then pull away?
There are plenty of reasons that this could happen.
- He was only looking for sex, and when he got it, he didn’t want anything more.
- When he fell for you, he fell for an idealized version of you and put you on a pedestal. But perhaps he is not ready for the emotional maturity required to fall in love with a real person, not an ideal.
- He is not ready for commitment, and when he started to feel something more, he got nervous and pulled away.
- He is suffering from trauma due to abandonment issues or a fear of intimacy.
- He is dealing with something else in his life right now that you don’t know about. Maybe he just got a major job offer out of town, or an ex suddenly came back into his life.
How do you tell a guy he’s doing this?
You can be clear and firm with your boundaries without hurting his feelings or being rude. Remember, you never need to feel guilty for setting limits, and in the end, he might thank you for explaining how you feel rather than just getting spooked and disappearing. Try some of the following lines.
- I would just be more comfortable if we slowed things down.
- I’d like to get to know you better before we commit to anything serious.
- I still don’t feel that I know you well enough.
- I’m not looking for something serious right now, and I would rather just be friends.
- I prefer to take things slow.
- I need a little space to figure out what I want.
- I like you so far, so I prefer to get to know you more slowly.
- I have a lot going on right now, so I’d prefer it if we spent less time together.
Try saying “Thank you for understanding,” rather than, “Sorry.” You don’t need to apologize, because you aren’t doing anything wrong!
You could also just try being honest. For example, maybe your love life, your mental health, or your family situation is complicated right now.
You could also try the “compliment sandwich” technique, by starting with something kind, delivering the bad news, then something kind again, to lessen the blow.
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