"As we experience life, our brain begins to develop a sixth sense. Many times, we choose to ignore what we know to be true. Trusting your "gut" when you see red flags is one of the most important things that you can do for your emotional and physical health." – Aaron Horn LMFT
No one goes into a relationship wanting a partner who is mean, manipulative, and controlling. In most cases, the partner seems fine at first. They may be rough around the edges, but their good outweighs the bad.
Then, their true selves begin to show. They become plain insufferable. You're soon in a relationship with them for a long time, and ending things is just hard. Maybe you have a kid or rely on them for your income or just emotional stability. It can be easy to get complacent even when you're not happy.
While you can't always see the real face of your partner until a long time has passed, there could be subtle red flags early in the relationship that may indicate that they are not relationship material. You should reconsider whether or not you want to devote your life to them. Here are some common red flags to look out for. Seeking professional help from an online therapist can be effective in talking you through red flags in a relationship.
If you're dating someone who just got out of a long-term relationship, you may be on the rebound. Rebound relationships rarely work out, and one possible reason is that your partner is fixated on their ex.
It's all right for your partner to bring them up or still feel a little glum about their previous relationship, but there is a limit. Some possible red flags are if they:
If you feel like you're just a substitute, this may be why you end the relationship. It is no fun to be on the rebound since the other person is likely to move on quickly without developing deep feelings for you, whether intentionally or because they are not ready, potentially leaving you heartbroken.
One of the cornerstones of a good relationship is apologizing and compromising. Couples will get into fights or be wrong about things, and apologizing is a great way to hold accountability and help repair the problems you will inevitably face. These aren’t necessarily warning signs or red flags, rather, they are things that simply come up even in healthy relationships and can be dealt with constructively through conflict resolution.
However, if your partner won't ever admit they were wrong or apologize for something they blatantly did, then this may be a sign of a bad relationship. Some people have a hard time admitting fault, which can make your relationship's future more complicated. How can the two of you grow if one refuses to admit their flaws?
Every partner should have the right to privacy. It's okay for your partner to have private conversations with other people. They have friends and family of their own, and you shouldn't have to read their messages.
With that said, if they become overly possessive of their phone or never have conversations in front of you, then this could be a red flag that they may be hiding something, including infidelity or substance abuse. Trust needs to happen for a long relationship to last. Confronting someone with no evidence can hurt a relationship, but if your gut tells you something is wrong or you have evidence that your partner is lying, consider having an honest conversation with them about your concerns. You don’t have to call them red flags when you talk to them, but just be honest about how their behavior makes you feel.
Everyone has their off days, but don't think you're the exception if your partner is always mean to other people. Watch how your partner treats people in your daily lives. How do they treat the server when the food is running late? How do they treat someone who bumps into them? Note their behavior, as this could be a yellow flag that signifies how they will treat you once the honeymoon period is over. Yellow flags are just a warning sign that you should be careful or vigilant - if it persists, then it will become a true red flag.
Early in a relationship, rules and norms may not be fully established; people come into relationships with different expectations and pasts, so sometimes boundaries may be crossed when a relationship starts to form. In a new relationship, this may be okay up to a point. Still, there reaches an unacceptable point, be it an amount of time after making your boundaries clear or blatantly breaking a normal relationship rule. Also, they might be fine on one date but behave the opposite on another.
If you're always setting up clear boundaries, yet your partner tries to cross, push, or ignore them, then it's a sign of a bad relationship. While your rules and boundaries may change over time, the change shouldn't come because your partner doesn't respect them, and this is a serious red flag and one that should never be left unchecked.
A relationship shouldn't feel like a race. This happens especially during a rebound but can also happen in any situation. The stages of a relationship don't have a set time for everyone. The human experience regarding relationships is never the same - some people will take years before they move in together, while others get engaged in less than a year. However, if your partner is pushing you to go to the next stage despite you not being ready, then it may be a red flag.
This should be obvious, but many people obey if their partner tells them to stop seeing their friends. A healthy relationship should be built on trust, and you are free to talk to whoever you like. Manipulation and controlling behavior over who you see or go can quickly veer into the emotional abuse realm. If you are worried about a situation involving abuse, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1.800.799.SAFE.
We are all flawed people, and your partner will likely have some flaws or traits you don't like. If you experience a few red flags, it may not necessarily be a reason for you to cut ties just yet. They may not be aware of their behavior, and what you perceive as a red flag could be an honest mistake and not deliberate.
Talking to your partner about their problems is typically the best initial approach to perceived red flags in a relationship. For example, if your partner seems overly jealous, confront them about their behavior. Point out that they have nothing to worry about, have no reason to feel jealous, and you don't like how they're behaving. Do it in a way that isn't accusatory and clarifies your feelings. Perhaps they are showing signs of coping with stress through substance abuse, you can discuss how their actions affect the relationship.
If they're willing to make a change, they will spend time listening and trying to improve their behavior. If they get aggressive, then maybe it's time to end the relationship and try to find someone who does want to grow.
Trust your gut if you think you're in an emotionally (verbal or psychological) abusive relationship. Know when it's time for your partnership to end. Certain circumstances are intolerable, and a deal breaker, and these relationship red flags are one of them.
For example, psychological and certainly physical abuse is unacceptable and a red flag you may need help with. If these sorts of mistreatments and signs of abusive behavior are happening in your relationship, you need to leave the relationship immediately. If you need help leaving an unsafe situation, the Domestic Violence Hotline is 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). You don't have to be with a significant other for the rest of your life if they're not treating you well. If they have no respect for their partner, you don't have to tolerate that. If they don't give you personal space, that is a sign of disrespect to you and your relationship. For example, if you say the words "I need a break, I feel triggered" during a heated conversation, and they keep talking about it, that's not okay. They are violating your boundaries, and it’s a clear red flag that you’re not in a healthy relationship. It's important to trust your gut feeling when it comes to setting a boundary.
If you tell your partner how you feel and refuse to accept responsibility for their actions, that's a bad sign. In the throes of a new relationship, it can be easy to put aside obvious red flags in a relationship. It's okay to know your limits and learn to trust yourself. If a person lacks respect and you're not one of the most important people in their life, then it's okay to draw a boundary with them.
Being in a healthy relationship means caring about your partner and their feelings, and if you're not getting that care, it's time to break free, start moving forward, and try to look for a new partner when you’re ready to.
Some people want to manipulate you. Overtly obvious verbal or emotional abuse is wrong. If the time your relationship takes up makes you feel exhausted or insecure, that's likely a bad sign and a red flag to be aware of. You could be spending energy trying to fix something that will stay broken. Some people don't give others respect, and that's an issue and one of the most common red flags in a relationship.
Sometimes manipulation might not appear negative on the surface, however. Love bombing is a common strategy used in unhealthy relationships by manipulative and abusive partners, too. The act of love bombing entails a person being overly affectionate to their partner and showering them with attention with the goal of influencing them. If you’re feeling insecure about yourself, this can appear positive at first glance, but the intentions are not, so even if it feels good right now, don’t ignore this red flag.
You need to focus on your mental health, and a person who negatively wields power over you is not healthy. Unfortunately, some people are out to hurt others. You don't have to settle for being treated poorly. "relationship people" prefer to be with someone, even if the dynamic is toxic. Don't stay with someone just because you don't want to be alone. It's not worth the stress and heartache. You can find someone who treats you well and doesn't have anger management issues or manipulate your feelings for their gain. If you've told someone multiple times to stop doing the behavior and they don't listen to your boundary, that's a problem.
Manipulation could range from a mild form of trying to get their way to overtly obvious verbal or emotional abuse. It can even involve silent treatment! A manipulative person lacks integrity, and they might not even realize what they're doing to you, but their excuses do not justify behavior that makes you feel bad about yourself. You don't have to let your partner boss you around because you're scared to leave the relationship you feel unsafe in.
It can be difficult to speak up when you feel unheard. Some people are focused on their voices and forget to listen to others. If you're in a relationship where your partner isn't listening and lacks self-awareness, it's okay to point out that you have things to say. If you advocate for yourself, you will probably feel more empowered. It can contribute to your personal growth. If you find that your partner brushes you off every time you stand up for yourself, that's a red flag that something isn't right. It's crucial to speak up for yourself.
Suppose you're afraid to tell the other person how you feel because of their reaction; that could signify that the relationship is not a good fit. You need to trust your partner and know that they care and want to hear your feelings. Everyone has a unique perspective, and they might disagree with some things that you say, but your feelings are real and valid.
A caring partner will be there to listen. You deserve to be with someone who values your emotions and doesn’t have red flags that hold you and your happiness back. Your growth matters, and practicing self-care can assist with that.
Some people make others feel guilty. The kind of person that seems obvious in their attempts to guilt-trip you knows what they're doing. The behavior may be a learned way or a habit. The behavior could stem from their childhood, or they've successfully used it to get what they want in previous relationships and become skilled.
Trust is a crucial part of healthy relationships. Just because you're afraid of your partner leaving doesn't mean you need to make them feel guilty so that they stay. That will inevitably cause resentment or anger in the connection. It would help if you learned to trust your partner. If you sense a lack of trust from your partner, you need to address that situation. Trusting your significant other is crucial.
You may be in a relationship where your significant other doesn't seem to let you be yourself. Make sure that you advocate for yourself and consider using positive psychology to help. Positive psychology is a way of looking at oneself in a good light. It can help you figure out how to see yourself in a good way. If you are struggling with self-esteem, relationship issues, or interpersonal problems, experts suggest that you consider spending time speaking with a therapist to control your emotions better and get an unbiased perspective on your life.
If there's a life lesson you can take from being in a toxic relationship: it's not your fault. There are significant people in our lives, but it doesn't mean that these individuals will stay forever. It's crucial to know when someone needs to leave your life. You can't have to let someone guilt trip you into staying in a relationship where you're unhappy. This is your life, and you need to trust your intuition.
An individual who deliberately guilt trips you to stay lacks respect for you as a person. If your partner disregards your feelings or you don't feel comfortable, you can leave the relationship and find a new partner who values you. Your intuitive image of your partner is meaningful. Many people describe romantic relationships as grounding. These are the sort of connections that you deserve. Trust that you know who and what is best for you, and don't let another person tell you otherwise.
Suppose you are experiencing negativity in your relationship but think your relationship is worth saving despite the red flags. In that case, you may need the help of a more qualified person to have the best resolution possible. Talking to a relationship counselor, like those at ReGain, can help you address your problems on your own or together and find the best path forward.
Sometimes, even after spending time in relationship counseling, it might be best for the two of you to part ways. Being single can seem hard, but it is not a failure, and being in a relationship that isn't working doesn't help anyone.
"Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think differently. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together."
"Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling initially, but I truly believe that it makes a difference in our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to, and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor."
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