Seven Compatibility Questions You Should Never Ignore

Updated December 12, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

Any glance into a relationship workbook, article, or study will likely yield the word “compatibility.” Often something of a buzzword when discussing relationships and relationship viability. Research studies, mental health professionals, and relationship professionals alike consider the presence of compatibility an important factor in determining the likelihood of a relationship’s success-or the likelihood of its failure. Although there are plenty of people who scoff at the prospect of taking a compatibility test for relationships to determine whether or not a romantic partner is a good idea to pursue the long haul, there is some truth to the idea that love alone is not enough to sustain and cultivate a relationship.

Whether you are a hopeless romantic or a persistent realist, there are some questions of compatibility that should never be ignored.

What is compatibility?

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In a relationship, compatibility is a litmus test to determine whether you and your partner actually work. Some questions of compatibility center around your belief systems-do you believe in a higher power? Do you ever believe that theft is acceptable? And some center around the way you live your life-does one of you drive a gas-guzzler, while the other attends climate change rallies? Fundamental differences are the opposite of compatibility.

Compatibility describes the likelihood that you and a prospective partner will mesh and do well as a unit. Couples who have high levels of compatibility might encounter fewer obstacles in their relationships and are more likely to stay together. Compatibility is not necessarily the only important factor to consider when choosing a romantic relationship, nor is it a guarantee that a relationship will work out; instead, romantic compatibility is a simple guideline that you can follow to determine whether or not a relationship is likely to be healthy and successful. Guidelines for compatibility can change as you grow, mature, and your lifestyle and situation changes. Someone who is young and single, for instance, may have different compatibility needs than a single mother in her mid-thirties.

Compatibility is not something that is determined in a psychologist’s office but is instead created by you, your needs, and your wants. Your compatibility needs will not be the same as your friend’s or your family’s and can vary from season to season. If possible, finding your own points of compatibility before entering into a relationship can be useful; knowing where you are coming from and looking for can help you find a relationship you actually want and enjoy.

How is compatibility measured?

Compatibility is usually measured by similarity. If two people have similar values, worldviews, and goals, they are typically considered compatible. Values usually encompass the things you find important-the things you value, respect, and are sure to incorporate into your life. Worldviews include your religious beliefs, your moral convictions, and your social ideas. Your goals are your plans for the future: your plans for a family, career aspirations, travel plans, and educational adventures. Although all of these things do not have to sync up perfectly, if any of them are in direct opposition with one another, the two of you might experience difficulty in carrying on a long-term, content relationship.

Compatibility can be measured on your own, through discussion and conversation, or it can be measured using the help of an observer, such as a pre-marital, marital, or relationship counselor. Whatever route you choose to take, taking stock of your compatibility is an essential step in moving your relationship forward, and doing a reality check of you, your partner, and the future the two of you .

Compatibility quiz: Seven compatibility questions to never ignore

While a compatibility question is not the only determiner of a relationship’s viability, it can give you valuable insight into yourself and your relationships and can help you begin to uncover why relationships have not worked in the past, or why your current relationship is floundering. Some compatibility issues can be worked through, while others can spell relationship doom.

1) Do you share basic values?

basic values is the hallmark of compatibility. Although people of different faiths, belief systems, and values have gotten married before and will continue to do so, this puts an intense and unnecessary strain on a relationship that has its fair of difficulty in even the best of circumstances. values is usually the first step in assessing a couple’s ability to go the distance.

2) Do you have trust?

Trust is absolutely crucial in any kind of relationship but bears a particularly hefty weight in romance. Because romantic relationships encounter far more closeness, intimacy, and togetherness than any other relationship, you and your partner must closely and carefully guard and cultivate your trust in one another. If you are in a relationship that does not have trust, the two of you are not likely to be compatible.

3) Do you communicate effectively?

Effective communication is an absolute must for relationship satisfaction. Fighting unfairly, resorting to name-calling, and dissolving into shouting all indicate a mismatch in communication styles or the presence of an immature and unhealthy communication pattern. Effective communication does not necessarily mean neither of you ever fight, or that neither of you ever find yourself shouting, but it does mean that you accept responsibility for your behavior and your actions.

Effective communication means using “I feel” statements, avoiding “always” and “never” statements, and making sure that you are in a clear, considerate frame of mind before you engage in an argument or discussion.

4) Do you make each other laugh?

Making your significant other laugh-and laughing, yourself-is one of the most important steps to determine whether or not people are compatible. People who laugh in their relationships report greater relationship satisfaction over time, suggesting that laughter is an important part of a romantic connection.

5) Do you have your own lives?

Secrecy is one of the worst things for a relationship but keeping things to yourself is also problematic. In a relationship, couples should themselves with one another. This means not only goals, ideas, and inspiration, but also the more mundane things, such as your daily activities, the latest goings-on in your life, and the silly things you find entertaining or unnerving. If you do not feel safe, comfortable, or interested in telling one another the small things as well as the big things, it may signal a mismatch.

6) Do you have vices?

This may be an odd question for some, but the things you consider vices and the things your partner considers vices might not be the same and this can spell trouble. If one of you grew up in a home with an alcoholic, for instance, and you avoid alcohol on a matter of principle, and the other goes out drinking every weekend, you might find yourselves regularly embroiled in arguments. If one of you believes that strict drug laws should be enforced, and the other occasionally indulge in recreational drug use, this could also signal trouble. Knowing your vices before you move forward in a committed relationship can help determine compatibility.

7) Do you accept one another?

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One of the greatest red flags in a relationship is the thought, feeling, or expression of, “I love him/her, but…” If your love is conditional and hinges on the hope that something about your partner will change, the two of you are not compatible. Although it is reasonable to ask a partner to accommodate something small, like communicating more when the two of you are apart, it is another thing entirely to ask a partner to change something fundamental, such as their belief system or the way they maintain their friendships and other personal relationships. If you love someone, but do not like many parts of who they are, the two of you are probably better off apart.

Can compatibility ever be ignored?

Although there are always exceptions to the rule, it is best to seek out the compatibility when searching for a romantic relationship. “Opposites attract” and “love is more important than anything else” are certainly lovely thoughts, but they rarely make for serene, pleasant relationships, and can actually create unnecessary pain and strife in your relationship. While background, history, and families of origin might not be the most important considerations to take into account when entering into a relationship, what you and your partner want are absolutely essential. Compatibility is not necessarily a measure of external, cultural, or procedural similarity, but is instead a measure of how in tune the two of you are to one another, your wants and needs, and your future together.

Ignoring the answers to compatibility questions could come without any consequences but could also come at the cost of your relationship. Not all relationship hurdles can be overcome because not all factors are left up to you: you and your partner both have to be willing to handle conflict in healthy, safe ways, and you and your partner both have to decide to show up in your relationship day in and day out. If the two of you are not on board with the trajectory of your relationship, nurturing a long-term connection could be extremely difficult. In some instances, repaired communication and some work alongside a relationship therapist can repair relationships, and in some instances, the best course of action is to simply let the relationship go.

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