What Is BDSM? Submission And Safe Practice
Whether you are an individual with many sexual encounters or someone who has been in a relationship for an extended period, routine sexual relations may feel boring. You may be looking for something that brings a bit more excitement to the bedroom. One of the more common sexual practices that couples choose to investigate is BDSM. That said, the image that is often painted in the media and the lack of knowledge about what BDSM truly is can lead to an unhealthy sexual exchanges.
If you are considering incorporating BDSM into your sexual practices and you are especially interested in the submissive side of things, you first must understand what exactly that entails. This article will explain several of the terms associated with BDSM, as well as tips for practicing safe BDSM. You can also consult this BDSM guide to learn more about the dom-sub relationship.
What is BDSM?
BDSM is a term that represents a broad spectrum of sexual desires and acts. The acronym BDSM refers to "bondage and discipline," "dominance and submission," and "sadism and masochism." Although some of these words can be a little startling to those who are new to the concept, the truth is that there is nothing scary about BDSM. In fact, you may be engaging in some of these activities in your regular sex life already! Let's break down each of these terms into their respective categories to gain insight into what they mean for you and the other person involved in a BDSM encounter.
Bondage and discipline
To be clear, before we get started, BDSM is all about trust and comfort. You decide what happens to your body, and there is always the option to say no or refuse consent (this is especially helpful to know when it comes to the bondage and discipline section).
Bondage and discipline refer to the act of training and restraining a submissive partner (sub). As we stated above, many of you may already be familiar with these types of exercises. Some of the most common uses of bondage in sex lives that aren't typically associated with BDSM include using handcuffs, ropes, or blindfolds during sex. However, more advanced forms of bondage may consist of suspension devices, cages, or swings. If you are comfortable with it, the tools most likely exist to help you find the right type of restraint.
Regarding discipline, a sub is trained to act a certain way during sexual encounters. When a sub doesn't respond the right way, (pleasurable) punishments are used on the sub to act out the fantasy of the power exchange between the person being a sub and the other person being a dom.
When it comes to being punished or trained, you must speak with your sexual partner before the act. You need to make sure that you are vocal about what you are looking for, what is not okay, and what you like. BDSM is an opportunity for exploration, but it only works if your boundaries and desires are respected.
Dominance and submission
Individuals who engage in a BDSM relationship take on one of two personas: dominant (doms) or submissive (subs). The dom generally takes control of the sexual encounter and “controls” the sub. The sub is the person who bends to the dom's will and allows them to take control.
For those who feel like they don't have enough control in their lives or those who wish they could let go of control, BDSM can provide a safe space to explore than switch. Keep in mind that if you take on the persona of a sub in one instance, you do not always have to be a sub. A BDSM relationship can be flexible, with both or multiple partners taking on different personas depending on the context.
Sadism and masochism
Sadism and masochism are the practice of giving and receiving pain. The dom is typically the person who derives pleasure from inflicting pain on others (the sadist), while the sub will usually enjoy being the person who receives the pain willingly (the masochist). While this is not always true, it is the most common relationship dynamic. In some relationships, sadism and masochism may be completely absent. You do not have to incorporate all these elements to engage in BDSM activity. Pain and pleasure do not define your experience.
BDSM Tips: How to be a sub and practice BDSM safely
Understanding how to practice BDSM safely will determine how the course of your first encounter goes and whether you feel safe practicing it in the future. Let’s delve into some of the critical things you should know as a sub to help you get the most out of sessions with your partner.
Everything must be consensual (have a safe word)
Just like with regular sexual encounters, BDSM is only okay when both parties can consent to the activity in which they are engaging. For those new to BDSM, some of the more extreme forms of the practice can be something that you may shy away from when you get into it. You and your partner must lay out everything beforehand to know exactly what you agree to once you begin to have sex.
If, at any point during the session, you start to feel as though you are hurting, uncomfortable, or want to stop, it is crucial to have a safe word. Safe words are typically words or phrases that would not be used at any point while having sex. For example, shouting something like "hazelnut" when you want to stop will help get your partner's attention and effectively end the session. As with the sexual exercises, make sure that you and your partner agree on the safe word before choosing to engage in sex.
Communication is key when you are a sub
Beyond the initial conversation, you need to talk to your partner about what you plan on doing and what toys you may be using. Communicate before, during, and after sex. When you let your partner know what is working for you and what is not working, they can do what you want them to do and improve your sexual experience.
During sex, be vocal so that your partner knows what to do at the moment and what they should not do for the rest of the session. Once you and your partner have finished, you can use time afterward to talk about both of your experiences, particularly if you are just starting to experiment.
What did you like? What could you do without? What did your partner enjoy? What are some things that the two of you would prefer to avoid in the future? Being communicative is one of the essential aspects of BDSM. When you can communicate with your partner, you can practice BDSM safely.
Take things slowly and go from there
Unless you have always had an interest in BDSM, diving into things headfirst may be an intimidating experience. When it comes to BDSM, it can be far more helpful to start slowly and build your way up until you've reached a point where you no longer feel that you are comfortable with specific exercises or tools.
For example, you and your partner can begin to start using blindfolds or handcuffs in the bedroom to help you both ease into the BDSM practice. When you feel as though you have correctly communicated while engaging in these sexual exercises, you may want to move onto other products like paddles or whips.
If you find that you are very much into BDSM, you may even find yourself wearing leather or using harnesses during your sexual exploration. Start with the basics and stop when you are entirely comfortable with everything that you have done up to that point.
Engage in BDSM with people you trust
Some people are comfortable engaging in sexual activity with strangers. Although this may be something you wish to explore in the future, it is generally a better idea to only experiment with individuals you trust, such as a current partner. This is because trust is vital in making sure that you have a safe experience.
When you are having sex with strangers, you can never be quite sure that they have your safety or best interests in mind. Try to suggest BDSM to people you see regularly or people with whom you have already sexually connected and with whom you feel entirely comfortable.
Support for improving your sex life
When it comes to sexual experimentation, it can be hard to figure out what both you and your partner need to have a mutually enjoyable experience. If you and your partner have communication issues and need help working on what is acceptable and what is not as you enter this new space, you can meet virtually with a licensed therapist via Regain.
Regain is an online counseling platform designed to help those with relationship issues, whether you need it on an individual basis or you want to receive counseling with your partner. Through Regain, you can speak with certified counselors using your mobile devices and on your own time. All you have to do is click on the link above, answer a few questions, and begin your first online therapy session.
Studies show that online therapy is effective in helping individuals and couples with challenges related to sex, many of which stem from a lack of or fading intimacy. Results of one study support the benefits of online psychotherapy for couples who, after six sessions of an online couples intervention program, showed significant improvements in their relationship satisfaction and overall mental well-being.
Takeaway
The empathetic counselors at Regain are committed to helping people achieve their goals, whether that’s being a better parent, having more fun in the bedroom, or improving communication skills. They will work with you in a dedicated and non-judgmental manner to make sure you feel comfortable and confident moving into a BDSM relationship, on your terms. Reach out to a Regain therapist when you are ready.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does it mean to submit to a dom?
Sexual dominance and submission are two roles of BDSM participants. When you submit to a dom (dominant partner), it means you are playing the submissive role while engaging in sexual acts. If you are the submissive in the situation, then you are the one who is being controlled, told what to do, and (consensually) dominated.
In the BDSM community, anyone can play dominant or submissive roles, and sometimes people can switch it up. These aspects of BDSM are important in understanding who will take on which roles and how partners will communicate to create a safe a pleasurable experience.
What is service submission?
Service submission refers to acts of service which the dominant partner commands of a submissive partner during BDSM activity. This could mean that you favor a sexual act that is providing a need or want from the dominant partner as a submissive. The submissive can often serve the dominant one, resulting in pleasure for both partners. Female submission is common but is not always the case.
For example, a dom might command you, as the submissive partner, to do something specific to their body for pleasure. It can also incorporate props, toys, foods, etc. At BDSM clubs or during BDSM activities, there is sometimes more than one person in the service submission role; group play and observation (voyeurism) is sometimes involved in these scenarios.
What does dom mean in dating?
The dominant one in the relationship is the leader, at least when it comes to BDSM activities. Whether it is during sexual activity or in other aspects of the relationship, a dominant partner is usually the one who likes to drive decision-making. However, this is not always the case, as these roles can alternate.
Dominant and submissive refer to the roles in BDSM play that are essentially power-play dynamics. This does not mean that the dominant partner is always the same. It also doesn’t mean that the dom is aggressive or causing harm. In fact, the dom or dominant one needs to be sure the activities are pleasurable for both parties and take care to communicate safe words and understand boundaries.
What is a true dom?
A true Dom is someone who is always prioritizing consent and support in every situation and activity. In the BDSM community, a dom should always be respectful and attentive to the submissive's comfort and boundaries. During BDSM play, there is typically an established safe word or signal in consensual activity. A dom should always respond immediately when this word is spoken. They should not try to push the submissive to do things with which they are not comfortable.
A true dom will guide their partner, encourage them, ensure they feel safe, and help them enjoy pleasure. This is in life and not just in the bedroom. A true dom will teach you things you never knew and will help you test your own limits in your life. They might give you the support you need to pursue your dreams or be more assertive in your career, for example.
How does a dom/sub relationship work?
A dominant-submissive relationship is one of power dynamics. There is usually one person who is the dom, but this role can change between partners. The sub is often taunted by the dom. They may act as a server, pleaser, teaser, or receiver of the dominant one. They are sometimes called the baby, brat, or servant. Dominant and submissive partners should both have clear and established boundaries and communicate before and after BDSM activities to ensure that everyone feels safe.
What does submissive mean?
Submissive refers to the partner in BDSM play who takes orders or serves the dominant. Although female submission is common, there are plenty of dom women. A submissive woman or man can elicit the same submissive results during play. The point is for all parties involved to experience pleasure. The submissive derives pleasure from being bossed around, told what to do, consensually punished, and serving the dominant partner.
How can I talk like a dom?
If you want to talk like a dom, you can practice leading the conversation. Set the pace and tempo and be assertive. Make sure the other partner understands your clear commands. Try to speak with more confidence and never submit or break character.
You can use a few words in a command form and say exactly what you want. Pause between words and use dominant expressions. At the same time, being a dom doesn’t mean being a bad, aggressive, or angry person. A good dom is actually a kind, considerate, and empathetic person. They know how to play the role and get both people to experience unprecedented pleasure!
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