Exploring BDSM Play: How To Learn And Explore As A Beginner

Updated March 21, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

Lots of people see something in a movie or book that sparks sexual interest and want to learn more, particularly about BDSM. If you or your partner expressed an interest in kinks, fetishes, and alternative sexual lifestyles, it could be helpful to find an informative introduction to the subject that lets you both know what to expect. Read on to learn more about how to explore BDSM with your partner.

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Are you curious and want to explore the BDSM lifestyle?

What does BDSM mean?

  • Bondage and discipline (B&D)

Consensual use of physical restraints or bondage and the application of pain, humiliation, or other punishments for sexual gratification purposes. 

  • Dominance and submission (D/s)

Using power exchange dynamics, the submissive willingly surrenders power and control over themselves to the Dominant in exchange for care, support, guidance, and structure. 

  • Sadism and masochism (SM)

Sexual arousal and pleasure from inflicting pain on someone else (sadism) or receiving physical pain (masochism).

It is critical to note that consent and communication are crucial aspects of BDSM activity and dynamics. While sexual activity is not necessary for BDSM, it is an important aspect for many people. 

Typical BDSM roles

BDSM relationships and dynamics typically involve clearly defined roles during play or planned scenes. Understanding some key terms as you educate yourself and learn more about the lifestyle may be helpful. Despite media portrayal of BDSM as a fringe, taboo, or deviant community, studies show it's much more common than most people think

Dominant

The person taking charge and responsibility for themselves and their submissive. A Dom is a male Dominant, and a Domme is a female. When writing about Dominant/submissive relationships, use capital letters to emphasize the power dynamic (D/s).

Submissive

A submissive often craves structure and guidance, being able to surrender the need to make decisions for a while to someone else and focus on a single thing—the pleasure of someone they care about and want to serve.  

Switch

A switch displays both Dominant and submissive tendencies and can play either role depending on their mood and the circumstances. 

Top

The person applying sensations or doing something to their partner. This role can be played by a Dominant or submissive. 

Bottom

The person having sensations or things done to them during a scene or play. It is possible for a Dominant to “top from the bottom” by telling the submissive what to do and how to do it. 

A beginner’s guide to BDSM: Exploring the lifestyle 

When you’re just getting started with BDSM, the sheer amount of information (and misinformation) can be overwhelming when educating yourself about healthy, safe ways to explore the lifestyle.

Issues you should plan for when exploring BDSM with your partner

  • If your partner is interested in having you inflict pain, you may be uncomfortable because you don’t want to hurt them. Healthy BDSM doesn’t involve permanent or intensely harmful injury. You can learn how to find the proper balance in a class with an experienced BDSM instructor. 
  • You or your partner may want things during sex that don’t necessarily represent your personality or desires the rest of the time. It may help to consider BDSM scenes or play as letting one facet of yourself take control for a while. Communication with your partner is a critical aspect of all BDSM play. 

Educate yourself

Education is an essential facet of safe BDSM play. The community as a whole supports newcomers and readily shares information. Look for local BDSM classes and events for a reputable source of knowledge and support as you learn about the lifestyle

Consent is everything

Consent is at the core of everything BDSM. Everyone involved is a consenting adult fully aware of what they’re agreeing to—with the freedom to revoke that consent at any time. Set and unconditionally respect a safe word that can bring all play to an immediate stop if either of you reaches your limit. 

Communication is crucial

Successful BDSM relationships, play, and dynamics involve extensive communication and negotiation. Partners should frequently talk about their emotions and desires. You should discuss and negotiate your sexual boundaries and rules for the BDSM aspect of your relationship. Consenting to something during a scene doesn't mean you always agree, and you should clarify that. 

Start with a fantasy

When you’re looking for a place to begin exploring BDSM, it can be helpful to start with a fantasy. Talk to your partner and discuss what you both like sexually and how to work together to meet your needs. If you're already in a relationship and exploring BDSM with each other, you should have a foundation of trust and communication.

Plan and discuss it ahead of time

One of the most important things you can do with your partner is to discuss and plan scenes and play beforehand. Unlike spontaneous sex, BDSM often requires mental and physical preparation, and it can help both partners to know what to expect. While BDSM can help you expand your sexual horizons, your partner should always respect your boundaries and limitations. 

How to explore BDSM play

While much of the available movies, books, and pornography related to BDSM can showcase the more intense, hardcore side of the lifestyle, there are plenty of ways you can explore BDSM play on the lighter end of the spectrum. 

Hair pulling

Many D/s couples use hair pulling to provide mild pain and allow the Dominant to exert control. Try to use steady, firm pressure rather than hard, sudden yanks to avoid scalp damage. 

Spanking

One of the classic BDSM kinky play methods is spanking. Depending on the mindset and roles you and your partner use, spanking can be anything from a fun reward to a painful punishment. BDSM blurs the line between pain and pleasure for many people, so remember to apply both sensations. After a few hard spanks, try running gentle fingers over the sensitive skin. If you’re using any kind of implement for spanking, such as a paddle, consider trying it on yourself so you are fully aware of the sensations you’ll be inflicting. 

Restraints and light bondage

Handcuffs aren’t the only way to play with restraints. Try silk scarves for a softer introduction to bondage, or purchase a kit specifically designed for the type of restraint you want to try. 

Blindfolds and sensory play

A simple blindfold can lead to a wonderfully fun night. Try blindfolding your partner and experimenting with different sensations, such as feathers, ice, leather, the heat of your mouth, or another feeling. Your partner may feel things more intensely when they cannot see. 

Edging and orgasm denial

Dominants often assume responsibility for their own pleasure and that of their submissive. Some choose to enhance the final release by repeatedly bringing their sub to the edge of climax before allowing them to orgasm. 

Roleplaying

Many couples enjoy roleplaying to act out specific fantasies, sometimes using costumes, asking a partner to use specific phrases, or requesting a particular position beforehand. Roleplaying can be a safe, healthy way to explore fantasies and desires. 

Learning the tools of the trade

Sex toys can be a valuable sexual aid, and several unique implements were explicitly developed for BDSM play. Familiarize yourself with the tools at your disposal, and don't be afraid to experiment. 

Provide aftercare

BDSM play can be physically and emotionally intense, and aftercare can be an important aspect of a healthy dynamic. Aftercare is often unique to your dynamic but should make your sub feel safe, cared for, and protected. A scene could cause an extreme release of endorphins in the brain, which can sometimes lead to a phenomenon called sub-drop with emotional and physical depression in the sub starting hours to days after a scene. Dominants can also benefit from aftercare. 

Recognizing abusive behaviors that aren’t BDSM-related

  • Refusing to respect your limits. 
  • Objecting if you use the safe word. 
  • Pushing BDSM dynamics beyond your boundaries. 
  • Blaming, shaming, or punishing you beyond what you consented to. 
  • Promoting alcohol or drug use during scenes. 
Getty/Vadym Pastukh
Are you curious and want to explore the BDSM lifestyle?

Reach out for professional help

Exploring your sexuality with your partner can be a fun and liberating experience. Still, you may not know how to express your desires to your partner because you're afraid they may judge or reject you for what you find arousing. You may benefit from speaking with a qualified relationship therapist for the support and guidance of a mental health professional.

How couples therapy can help you explore BDSM together

If you or your spouse recently expressed an interest in exploring the BDSM lifestyle and activities, consider working with a licensed couples therapist online through a virtual relationship therapy platform like Regain. Therapy can help you identify and express your sexual desires, teach you how to communicate with each other openly, and find ways to explore BDSM while respecting and loving your partner. 

Researchers recently released information from studies showing that couples therapy is as effective online and in person. Both methods result in increased relationship satisfaction and communication and decreased symptoms related to stress, depression, and anxiety. If you’d rather speak to a therapist alone, research indicates similar outcomes for online and face-to-face individual therapy. Virtual treatment is often less expensive, has shorter wait times, and provides a connection to a vast selection of licensed therapists. 

Takeaway 

Many people want to try BDSM play with their partners, but it can be challenging to know where to start. The information in this beginner’s introduction to BDSM may offer insight into how you can explore new sexual landscapes with your partner. 

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