How Feeling Vulnerable Affects Your Relationship

Updated March 14, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

Almost everyone finds that they feel vulnerable at some time in their lives. It's part of the human experience. Yet emotional vulnerability can bring a sense of uneasiness or discomfort. And many individuals find working with a therapist the easiest way to develop this trait because of the emotions it can cause. 

Sometimes you may feel unsure of yourself or even scared of what might happen. And it does make sense to guard yourself at times. However, allowing yourself to be vulnerable can also help you develop a more satisfying connection with your significant other. 

This article explores some ways that vulnerability can affect your relationship.

What does it mean to feel emotionally vulnerable?

Emotional vulnerability tends to arise when there's uncertainty, emotional risk, or a chance of emotional exposure in a situation. For example, it may be experienced as anxiety about or fear of rejection, shame, judgment, or inadequacy.

How allowing feelings of vulnerability can improve your relationship

Fear of vulnerability has the potential to keep you from having the kind of relationship you truly want. But when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, it often changes the way you interact as a couple. 

Vulnerability can improve communication between you and your partner, making it possible for you to know each other better. Keep reading to explore how you can be vulnerable and why it can improve your relationship. 

Vulnerability can bring you closer as a couple

Embrace vulnerability and grow closer with online therapy

Most intimate relationships are built on at least occasional moments of vulnerability. As you loosen your tight grip on your innermost thoughts and emotions, you may make space for your partner to understand who you are inside. You reveal things during these times that your partner might never find out otherwise. And that's a good thing because it's usually how you get closer to them and allow them to get closer to you.

Vulnerability fosters a more open relationship

You can build a wall between you and your partner when you hide your insecurities and fears. You may think you're not keeping much from them, but this secrecy can potentially affect every aspect of your relationship. You may eventually become so closed off from each other that you can't talk to each other openly, even about the things that matter most to you as a couple.

Vulnerability allows you to be more authentic

Your relationship may be more honest if you can be real with your partner. And you'll likely have to go through some vulnerable times to become more authentic. For example, say you're terrified that you're failing at work. If you pretend everything is great, you aren't being emotionally honest. As a result, your partner sees you as a self-confident person who never has any doubts. But, on the other hand, if you tell your partner about your fears, they have an opportunity to know you better. And they might discover that they're better able to understand, relate to, empathize with, and connect with you on a deeper level.

Is there a time to not be so vulnerable?

Whether or not to express your feelings of vulnerability is always your choice. When your goal is to know each other better, get closer to each other, or build a more open relationship, allowing vulnerability makes perfect sense. However, there may be other times when you need to protect yourself.

When you need to set boundaries

No matter how close you are to someone, you may need to set boundaries and stick to them sometimes. It doesn't mean that you love them any less. Instead, it may help you build a stronger, healthier relationship.

Suppose your partner wants to learn about a childhood trauma you experienced, and you're not ready to discuss it with them. Maybe you need some time, or perhaps you need to talk to a therapist about it first. Even though you want to tell them eventually, perhaps it’s not the right time for you in the moment. When something like that happens, telling them you don't want to talk about it yet is okay. It's okay to say, "These are my boundaries, and I hope you can understand."

When you're becoming too needy

You might find yourself engulfed by every doubt or fear you have when feeling particularly vulnerable. While building your connection with your partner is usually good, this may come across as neediness. If you think this may be the case, you might want to consider whether telling them this is truly important and if it's something you can take care of on your own. 

When your self-esteem is sinking

Vulnerability can potentially be devastating to someone who has low self-esteem. When you're feeling bad about yourself, it's not always helpful to dwell on the things that make you feel worse. Instead, it might be time to focus on the good things happening for you and remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person. You might want to express your vulnerable feelings to a certain degree, but it may also help you to stick with the positives for the most part.

How to manage feelings of vulnerability

Many people feel an intense fear of vulnerability. Whether you express that feeling or not, finding ways to cope with it is usually helpful for your mental health. Here are some steps for managing and coping with those feelings.

Recognize and accept the feeling

Most people want to think of themselves as strong, confident people. So, when you're vulnerable, you might be inclined to shove the feeling aside and pretend it doesn't exist. But this won't make it go away. Instead, it may make it more intense. Often, the first thing you need to do when feeling that vulnerability is notice that it's there. Then you may accept that it's a natural and healthy feeling.

Choose the right time to be vulnerable

Sharing your feelings with your partner can offer relief and lead to a happier relationship. However, if you try to share those feelings at an inappropriate time, you may cause more problems than you solve. For example, suppose you talk about what makes you feel vulnerable when your partner is handling an urgent situation with their family. In this case, they may be distressed and tell you to quit talking about it, and you may feel rejected. But if you'd discussed it during a calm moment, they might have listened and been able to support you instead. 

For this reason, it's usually ideal to choose a time when your partner can give you their attention without disrupting something they must take care of right now.

Express your feelings of vulnerability appropriately

When you're vulnerable, expressing what's on your mind is typically healthy. For example, you might tell your partner how you're feeling or ask for their help. This might mean telling them, "I love you," even if you fear rejection. Expressing vulnerability often means bringing up important issues, even if you fear you can't handle them. 

At the same time, it's helpful to remember these are your issues and feelings. This reminder can help you avoid blaming your partner or putting pressure on them to solve your problems. And you'll be better able to express yourself and allow your partner to respond in the way that seems best to them.

Say no to your critical inner voice

Sometimes, you might feel vulnerable because your critical inner voice tells you you're inadequate. That criticizing part of you can be powerful and cause you to believe others will judge you similarly. But when you're open and authentic, you might find that others don't criticize you as negatively as you do yourself. In addition, it often helps to be open to the possibility that your partner will understand and love you just as much when you say what's on your mind.

Be courageous enough to face the fear

Embrace vulnerability and grow closer with online therapy

It can take courage to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable. But that doesn't mean you won't be afraid or nervous – it wouldn't be courage if it were easy. But, at the same time, going against your fear can sometimes cause you more pain than it's worth. 

It might help to ask yourself two questions before exposing yourself to emotional risk despite your fear. First, ask yourself if this feeling is rooted in the past or the present. Then, ask yourself if you've developed new skills and abilities to help you face the current situation better than you did in the past.

If you objectively see that being vulnerable makes sense right now, you'll likely have an easier time understanding what to do next.

Can online therapy help

Never being emotionally vulnerable has the potential to prevent you from getting close to your loved one. But allowing yourself to be vulnerable too often may be emotionally exhausting. 

In either case, talking to a couple's therapist is typically an effective way to sort out your feelings and develop stronger bonds with your partner. Research shows that couples therapy is effective for most couples, especially if they're experiencing any distress in the relationship. And if coordinating your schedules is difficult, online therapy is just as effective as in-person treatment. 

If you're interested in trying therapy, Regain can help. We'll connect you with a licensed therapist regardless of whether you've invited your partner to join your sessions. Your counselor can help you better understand yourself, each other, and the situation, teaching you techniques for facing your fears in positive ways. And when you find the right balance in your feelings of vulnerability, you can work towards a stronger, healthier, more satisfying relationship.

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