The Most Common Dysfunctional Family Characteristics And How To Spot Them

All families can face challenges, but some families may have "dysfunctions," which can be described as unhealthy behaviors or interactions that can harm familial relationships. It can be especially difficult for people involved in a dysfunctional family to realize and clearly see potentially toxic dynamics for what they are. This can be particularly true because dysfunctions often manifest in many forms and to various degrees. Behaviors like those discussed here don’t always mean that family are intentional in their actions; many times, dysfunctional traits can stem from being raised in a similar or worse environment earlier in life. Regardless of their causes, dysfunctional family characteristics can usually be overcome with the right interventions and support. 

Common dysfunctional familial characteristics

Dysfunctional characteristics in families include:

1. Fear

Being afraid of family can often lead to dysfunction in the home. Fear may be used to control, manipulate, or avoid conflict. It may also be used as a form of punishment or stem from a lack of compassion and empathy extended by family.

Fear may also exist in a less malicious sense, too; family  may be too afraid of being vulnerable around each other to have important conversations or ask for forgiveness from one another. Those who recognize how their actions may be harming their family might be too afraid of asking for help to get support. 

No matter where it comes from, fear can limit how open families are with each other and create distance between loved ones. Some research even suggests that fear and control in parent-child relationships can lead to a higher risk of developing mental health disorders like depression later on in life.

2.  Unhealthy boundaries

Having boundaries that are too high or too low can be one of the most frequently spotted signs of dysfunction. This characteristic may manifest in lots of ways; it may mean having little secrecy, having your wants or needs disrespected and overlooked, being pressured to make choices you don’t want to make, and more. 

If it interferes with a person's daily functioning or ability to feel safe and comfortable in the home and with family, then the issue of unhealthy boundaries likely needs to be acknowledged and addressed.

3. Conditions on love

In terms of family characteristics that can be dysfunctional, this one can be extremely uncomfortable and difficult to understand. Conditional love (as opposed to unconditional love) is a love that has "conditions." In other words, love only exists when certain prerequisites are met.

For instance, a mother may love her son, but when he behaves badly or does something in direct opposition to her, she may revoke the love and respond negatively or even hatefully towards her child. This can be an example of conditional love. The son has the mother's love as long as he does exactly what she says, but if he goes against her, she behaves (and may even feel) as though she "doesn't love him anymore."

Conditional love can occur between any arrangement of people in the family, not just between parents and children. It can occur between siblings, spouses, and even more distant relations such as cousins. If a feeling of being unloved or unwanted arises whenever a disagreement occurs, it may indicate a feeling of conditional love. Conditional love may be frequently coupled with some form of abuse, whether physical, emotional, sexual, or verbal, so this is crucial to keep in mind when identifying if there are conditions on love.

When this dysfunctional family characteristic is identified, the first thing to do is to observe themselves to see if they're participating in conditional love. If they observe themselves doing conditional love behaviors, a good first step would be to identify behavioral changes that they can make to change different events. 

4. Abuse*

*Abuse of any kind should be taken seriously. If you believe you or a loved one may be experiencing abuse in the home, you can find immediate support through the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also text “START” to 88788 or use the Hotline’s free live chat for help. 

Abuse, whether between parents and children, spouses, or any other part(s) of the family, may result from or cause other forms of dysfunction. But unlike these others, abuse may warrant an immediate change to defend the safety of those impacted by it.

There are many forms abuse can take: physical, sexual, and even emotional or verbal abuse can be common in the home. Some types may be harder to distinguish than others, but in general, abuse may involve things like insults, aggression, assault, manipulation, and deception. 

5. Criticism and perfectionism

Criticism and perfectionism may be two other two signs of dysfunction that are often intimately intertwined. The expectation of total perfection can easily lead to severe judgment. Having high standards may be relatively harmless, but when parts of a person are outside of their control or are criticized or shamed, poor self-esteem and other mental health concerns may arise. Overall, perfectionism and criticism about other things can leave a family feeling unworthy, unlovable, or alone.

What to do if your family exhibits characteristics that may be dysfunctional

There are two things that a person can do if they realize that they're in the middle of toxic family dynamics. The first thing they can do is tune into themselves and their own behavior. This may help them realign their own position in the family and understand the dynamic better.

The most important thing to do, however, may be to get help. No matter the situation, finding support is often a crucial part of resolving or breaking free from family dysfunctions. Dysfunctional family characteristics can sometimes be quite visible, but other times they may be deceptively hard to see. Individuals outside of the family dynamic may be the most likely to see the issues, so soliciting a therapist's help can be essential for the family to find peace and health.

Options like online therapy can make it simple to get the right support in a way that’s comfortable for you and anyone else who decides to join you. You can participate in either individual or group therapy sessions from the comfort of your own home.

Research suggests that in addition to being an effective treatment for many mental health concerns, online therapy can be more affordable for most people than in-person therapy. That means it may be easier to consistently attend sessions without sacrificing large amounts of time or money.

Takeaway

Dysfunction in a family can present itself in many ways, but most can be tied to unaddressed mental health concerns, past trauma, and poor interpersonal or communication skills. Speaking with a licensed therapist can help you address these concerns and more so that your family can begin to mend its dynamics and heal together.