Is It Okay To Stop Talking To My Toxic Mother?
Many children—whether grown adults or younger— have a healthy relationship with their mother, but some people have a parent who makes them feel inadequate, worthless, or like they did something horrible. If your relationship with your mother sounds like that, you may have a toxic parent.
The term “toxic” indicates poisonous or dangerous. When combined with the word “parent,” it means that your mom’s or dad’s words or behaviors are unhealthy for your emotional wellbeing. When you realize you have toxic people in your life, you may wonder how to manage the relationships. You may even ask, “Is it okay to stop talking to my toxic mother?” The answer, in short, is yes. But with a parent-child relationship, there can be complexities, attachments, and history that make cutting a parent out of your life challenging. Learning more about toxic relationships and how to cope with them can help you navigate challenges.
If you are experiencing distress or difficulties in any relationship or a loved one has any mental health concerns, please know that help is available. For compassionate, effective support and therapy, you can conveniently connect with licensed mental health professionals at BetterHelp.
What is a Toxic Person?
There is not a single definition for what a toxic person is. A toxic person tears you down and causes you pain and doubt. There are some commonly-accepted characteristics of people who are considered toxic:
- Manipulation: You feel like they are manipulating or controlling you.
- A goal to confuse you: Their behavior confuses you and leaves you wondering where you stand with them.
- Sparking feelings of discomfort: You aren’t able to feel comfortable around them.
- Fueling self-loathing: You feel bad about yourself when you’re around them.
- Prompting defensiveness: You feel like you have to defend yourself when you’re with them.
- Critical: You may feel constantly criticized by them.
- Guilt-trippers: They may make you feel guilty for no valid reason.
- Passive-aggressive: They may be passive-aggressive, making thinly veiled microaggressions towards you.
- Dismissive: They may dismiss your emotions or feelings.
- Humiliating: They may make you feel humiliated.
- Crossing boundaries: They may ignore personal boundaries.
- Lacking warmth: They may withhold love, affection, or approval.
What Does A Toxic Mother-Child Relationship Looks Like?
Each relationship is as unique as the people in it. While a toxic mother does not have a single definition or official diagnosis, she likely makes you feel guilty, fearful, or bad about yourself. Her behaviors aren’t isolated incidents but form a pattern that may have these traits:
- She is constantly critical of you
- She makes you feel guilty
- She does not respect your emotions—or she invalidates them or dismisses them
- She humiliates you
- She is passive-aggressive
- She ignores boundaries
- She considers you her friend, but it’s one-sided, and she may be overdependent on you
- She puts her own needs over your well-being
- She lacks empathy for you
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Ways To Cope With A Toxic Parent-Child Relationship:
- Try an open, honest conversation, but manage your expectations. If your mother engages in toxic behavior, she may not be receptive to your genuine communication to her about how you feel. Toxic people are typically not self-aware. However, communication may be a starting point for you to break negative patterns. You might start by letting her know that you need time to talk and for her to listen without interrupting. Let her know how you feel. Try using “I” statements. If she responds by making you feel guilty or with anger or tears, try being prepared to avoid getting drawn into the negative emotions. You can try to end the conversation and the interaction rather than get into an argument, be sent on a guilt trip, or begin second-guessing yourself. You can also try using compassion by saying something like, “I recognize this might be hard to hear. My intention is not to hurt you but to heal our relationship and put an end to me feeling bad.” If she still displays her harmful behaviors, remove yourself from the situation. This is an example of a healthy boundary.
- Consider confrontation, but—again—manage your expectations. Each time your mother criticizes or manipulates you, for instance, you might try simply saying, “I feel like you’re criticizing me. Please stop. Now let’s move forward.” If she pursues the conversation or dismisses your feelings, you can say goodbye, hang up the phone, or move to another room. Speaking up for yourself consistently and persistently can be challenging. It will likely come with backlash from a toxic person, but if it’s tolerable for you, it may be a way to change the power dynamic.
- Try using “detached contact.” With detached contact, you can try being physically present but emotionally unavailable to a toxic person. It can take practice, but you might be able to deflect attempts by a toxic parent to engage you.
- Set strict and clear limits and boundaries. Try making it clear that if your mother behaves in a certain way or does certain things, you won’t tolerate it and will limit your time with her. A toxic parent is likely to push back—after all, they are probably in the habit of ignoring your boundaries—so you will likely need to be strong, firm, and consistent, even when she pushes the limits. What you choose to limit is personal, but identifying the most dangerous areas may be most helpful. Examples of limits include letting your mother know that if she criticizes you (or your spouse or child, for instance), you’ll end the conversation. Another example is letting your parent know that certain topics are completely off-limits for discussion.
- Keep your distance, emotionally and physically. You can limit what and when you share with your mother.
- Be prepared for your mother’s response and plan ahead of time how you’ll handle it. Your mother might cry, guilt or shame you, shout, or threaten you. She might try to engage others to “take her side.” How will you react? Deciding ahead of time can help you avoid getting drawn into more toxicity.
- Regularly reevaluate. If a parent continues to disrespect your boundaries or still engages in toxic behavior, you may need to try pausing the relationship.
When (And How) To Stop Having Contact with A Toxic Parent
When communication and setting boundaries don’t work, it may be time to take a break from interacting with a toxic parent. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll cut ties forever, and you don’t need to make that decision right away. Reconciliation may be possible, or you may be able to find closure and healing in other ways. While disengaging from a parent-child relationship can be emotional, challenging, and sad, protecting your mental health and wellbeing is not selfish or mean; it’s a necessity. If a toxic parent is significantly affecting your mental health or negatively impacting your healthy relationships (such as those with a spouse, partner, or children), no longer having contact with them may become the right thing to do.
Handling family gatherings: If you have made the difficult decision to stop talking to a toxic parent, you don’t necessarily need to avoid family gatherings or withdraw from positive relationships with other relatives. If family gatherings are important to you, you can still attend and even enjoy them. You might need to prepare yourself for some awkwardness and discomfort—and you might need an escape plan if a toxic parent’s behavior becomes intolerable—but you don’t need to cut yourself off from things you want to do. However, if you don’t want to go, permit yourself not to and avoid feeling guilty. You can give a polite no. Expressing yourself firmly and simply can leave no room for misinterpretation. On the other hand, saying “maybe” or giving lengthy explanations leaves the door open for more interactions and possibly more negative exchanges.
Avoiding interactions and coping with unexpected encounters: A toxic parent may be very persistent once you’ve withdrawn from the relationship. Making yourself unavailable might be necessary. Screening calls and texts can be wise. If communication is necessary, a short email may be the least aggressive way to get in touch. If the toxic parent lives near you and unexpectedly shows up, you can try to keep interactions to a minimum and avoid getting drawn in by saying that you aren’t available or need to leave.
Control What You Can Control:
When dealing with a toxic relationship, it’s important to stay calm and firm during interactions and remember that you are not at fault, nor are you responsible for others’ actions or feelings. You can’t control anyone else, just yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect.
The parent-child bond can be one of the strongest in life. Even if a parent is toxic, separating from them may lead to a sense of loss or sadness because things were not as you wished they would be. Be sure to take care of yourself emotionally. A licensed mental health professional can be an excellent resource to help you heal and navigate relationship challenges. Please reach out for help—compassionate and effective therapy is available through ReGain. A licensed therapist can help you create healthy boundaries and take care of yourself.
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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
- How do you know if your mom is toxic?
In the field of psychology today, a toxic mother or father is a parent who is unhealthy for your mental and physical wellbeing. If you think you might have a toxic mom or dad, look out for these warning signs of toxic behavior:
- A toxic mom or dad always needs your attention
- A toxic mom or dad won’t allow you to express negative emotions
- A toxic mom or dad tries to be your best friend instead of your parent
- A toxic mom or dad doesn’t provide affirmation or security
- A toxic mom or dad always puts themselves first
- A toxic mom or dad consistently uses guilt as a manipulation tactic
- A toxic mom or dad is overly demanding and critical of you
- A toxic mom or dad blatantly ignores your boundaries
Remember that your parents don’t have to check every bullet point of the toxic behavior listed above to be considered a toxic mom or dad. If you feel unsafe or afraid at home or your toxic mom or dad is abusive, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). Toxic mothers and fathers can cause mental and physical pain, so don’t be afraid to reach out for help if you need support or feel that it’s time to take control of the situation.
- How do you deal with a toxic mother?
If you have a toxic mom or dad, it’s always a good idea to sit down and have an honest talk with them about how their behavior affects you. This allows them to make a change. But if you’ve already had the talk and your toxic mother or father hasn’t responded in the way you’d hoped, it may be time to start cutting back on the time you spend together. Perhaps you have a narcissistic mother or father who can only think about themselves, or maybe there’s another reason that your parent is unwilling to work with you. Still, either way, it’s likely to be beneficial to have some time away from them.
In some cases, you may even want to stop talking to your toxic mom or dad altogether. Every situation is different, so be sure to consider which option is the best for you. You may even want to find a therapist to get an objective opinion of the situation and help you work through your thoughts and feelings.
As you get some space from your toxic mom or dad, it’s important to remember that you are not responsible for their feelings; it’s not your job to make them happy. At this point, all you can do is communicate respectfully (if you wish to stay in contact) and make it clear that it’s time to set up healthy boundaries with your toxic mom or dad. It’s also a good idea to see a mental healthcare professional help you work through any negative effects that your toxic mother or father has had on your mental health. Toxic parents and their toxic behavior can make quite an impact on their children’s mental health, and if this impact is never addressed, there’s a possibility it will continue for the child’s entire life.
- What is the most psychologically damaging thing you can say to a child?
If you ever say or imply that you no longer love your child because of something they’ve done, that can be extremely psychologically damaging. A parent’s love is meant to be unconditional, and if your child feels that you can take your love away at any moment, they’re more likely to have issues with trust and relationships in the future. If your dad or mom told you they no longer loved you after you misbehaved, you can imagine the type of effect that could have on your developing sense of identity as a child. Taking away your love is an example of toxic behavior, and it should be avoided at all costs if you want to raise a mentally healthy, well-adjusted child.
- What is a toxic mother-son relationship?
A toxic relationship between mother and son may present a bit differently than a toxic relationship between a mother and daughter, but the signs to look for remain the same. According to the field of psychology today, you might notice the following in a toxic parent-child relationship:
- The parent always needs to be the center of attention
- The parent relies on their child to meet their emotional needs
- The parent flat-out ignores boundaries set by their child
- The parent is extremely critical and demanding
- The parent tries to act as their child’s friend rather than their parent.
Not all toxic relationships look the same because not all toxic people are the same. For example, you may have a narcissistic mother or father who always thinks of themselves, or perhaps your parent has more of a victim mentality or another underlying issue. If you think you have toxic parents or have contributed to any mental health issues, be sure to get the professional help you need. ReGain is a wonderful place to start, with counseling services that you can access online from the comfort of your home.
- What is a toxic grandparent?
Although it’s much more common to hear the term “toxic parent” than “toxic grandparent,” toxic grandparents exist too. A toxic grandparent tends to undermine their child in front of their children. For example, a grandmother might say to her grandson, “I make much better spaghetti than your mom does.” They may also have a habit of playing the victim or using guilt as a manipulation tactic. Some toxic grandparents also try to buy their grandchildren’s love by spoiling them with expensive gifts and making a point of outshining their parents. Toxic grandparents can also exhibit the signs of toxic parents (for example, by being manipulative or abusive).
- Is it OK to cut a parent out of your life?
In some situations, it may be the best choice to cut a toxic mom or dad out of your life rather than trying to salvage the relationship. Cutting someone out of your life permanently is never an easy choice, but in some cases, it’s simply the best thing to do for everyone involved. If you have a toxic mother or father and feel that nothing positive is coming from the relationship, or if they are intentionally keeping you from living the life you wish to live, you may want to consider cutting off communication completely.
It’s a good idea to find a therapist, find a counselor, or find another professional to consult with regarding the situation; in a relationship with a toxic mom or dad, you likely have many unresolved thoughts and feelings. A therapist can also help you set boundaries and determine whether you should cut your toxic mother or father out of your life. To find a counselor, you can take a look at our online services here at ReGain, or you could do an internet search to find counselors near you (for example, you could search “counselors in the San Francisco area,” replacing San Francisco with your location).
- How do you know if your mom hates you?
Feeling that your mother or father hates you can be very difficult and emotionally painful. Parents are meant to love their children unconditionally, so if your parent seems to dislike you or even hate you, it can understandably wreak havoc on your mental health. Unfortunately, there’s no simple way to figure out whether or not your parent hates you; it all comes down to the way they treat you and the way you interpret their treatment of you.
If you feel that your mom or dad hates you, it’s a good idea to sit down and have an honest talk with them. If this doesn’t seem possible, it may be best to get professional help with the situation by talking with a counselor or therapist. In addition, if there is abuse or violence in your home, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).
- What is a toxic parent?
A toxic mom or dad is a parent that treats you in a way that harms your overall wellbeing. Here are several indicators that your parent displays toxic behavior:
- They’re always focused on themselves.
- They tend to overreact or be overly dramatic emotionally
- They need to control others
- They use guilt as a way to manipulate others
- They often show anger or passive-aggressive behaviors
- They refuse to take the blame or show personal responsibility
- They are downright mean and cruel in their words and actions
- They rely on their children for emotional support
- You always feel bad after talking to or spending time with them
Toxic parents can leave lasting negative effects on their children. If you grew up with a toxic mom or dad or currently live with a toxic mom or dad, know that the situation is not your fault. Talking with a mental healthcare professional may be beneficial if you’re having trouble in life due to your toxic mother or father.
- What should parents never say to their children?
Parents should never tell their children that they don’t love them or that they regret having them. Since your relationship with your parents typically sets the stage for all the rest of the relationships in your life, the parent/child relationship must be healthy and show unconditional love. If you teach your child that your love is conditional and reliant on behaving perfectly, you may be a toxic mother or father. Your child may struggle to learn to trust others later in life and might always feel that they must do their absolute best or no one will love them.
Lying should also be avoided, even if it’s just a small “white lie” meant to protect your child’s feelings. While explanations should always remain age-appropriate, lying to your children is never advised. In addition, try to avoid saying things that invalidate your child’s feelings. For example, if your child tells you they’re scared of something, don’t respond with, “No, you’re just silly.” Instead, validate your child’s emotions but remain rational.
- What should you not say to your child?
You should never tell your child that they were a mistake or that you don’t love them. Even if they’re just said in the heat of the moment, and you don’t mean them, these phrases can cause lasting psychological damage. It’s also important not to compare your child to their siblings or be overly critical of them. You should also avoid invalidating your child’s emotions; this can lead them to grow into adults who believe that their feelings don’t matter. As a parent, you have a huge influence on your children, so be sure that you’re communicating lovingly and healthily.
