Most people have a good relationship with their mother, but some children have a mother that makes them feel inadequate, worthless, or like they did something horrible in life. If your relationship with your mother sounds more like the latter, you may have a toxic parent. The term toxic indicates poisonous or dangerous. When combined with the word “parent,” it merely means that your mom or dad is unhealthy for your mental and possibly physical wellbeing. When you realize you have toxic people in your life, you may wonder how to manage it best. You may even ask, “is it okay to stop talking to my toxic mother?” The answer, in short, is yes.
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The Definition Of Toxic Mothers?
If your relations with your mother is rocky, for no apparent reason or cause, it could be because your mother is a toxic person. As defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the term toxic means “something that is containing or being poisonous material, especially when capable of causing….serious debilitation.”
When you grow up in a toxic environment with a toxic parent, you may feel that you are continually being hurt no matter how much you try to please them. Often, toxic mothers will seem fine one day and the next day explode on you. This type of toxic behavior is usually unwarranted and dramatically overreacts to a trivial problem or situation. However, toxic mothers create toxic relationships.
When you grow up in a toxic environment, you may feel defeated all the time. However, there are things that you can do to break free of a toxic mother. It is okay to control and remove yourself from toxic behavior, toxic relationships, and toxic mothers.
What If Both Of Your Parents Are Toxic?
As the child of toxic parents, you may ask, “How can I walk away from my mom and dad,” but the truth is, your mental health is an essential thing to maintain. When you can break free of toxic people, you will find that life is somehow more comfortable. You no longer need to walk on eggshells and relive constant toxic behavior.
Removing yourself from a toxic environment is critical for your overall wellbeing and that of your children if you are a parent too. You cannot blame yourself for your parent's behavior or for not allowing your children to be victimized by their grandparent’s toxic parenting practices. At the end of the day, if you want to be a good parent to your children, you need to keep them away from toxic people who can demoralize them. The truth is that parents who are toxic to their children will be toxic to almost everyone they encounter.
At the end of the day, you need to decide if it is more important to have your children be around grandparents who will treat them the way they treat you or if your children are better off not knowing their grandparents at all. While this may be a hard decision to make, ultimately, your children’s wellbeing is most important. Yes, you need to be prepared for guilt treatments and hurtful language from your toxic parents. However, it will only reinforce why you are taking action in the first place.
What Are The Signs Of A Toxic Mother?
Signs of a toxic mother are when they are:
Disrespectful
Angry
Manipulative
Competitive
Embarrassing
Emotionally reactive
Critical
Blaming
Demanding
A toxic mother can be one or all these things at any given time. They have few boundaries, and while they may protest that they love you and mean no harm, they continue to hurt you with their behavior.
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How Do I Manage A Toxic Mother Or Toxic Parents?
The truth is that toxic parents rarely change, but you may ask: How can I maintain a relationship with my mother? While it will not be easy, you need to take control of the situation.
Once you accept that you have a toxic parent, as compared to a good parent, you will realize that actions that your mother takes are not your fault. Your parent is toxic, and you may never be able to say that you have a great relationship with your mother.
Dealing with toxic parents is challenging but not impossible. If the toxic parent in your life says something means or unwarranted, you can simply respond, “Well, I like it, and that is what matters,” or “I will do it this way because it works for me.” While you do not have control of your toxic parent, you can control your reaction to their behavior. Think of it as gentle parenting, in reverse. Phrases such as “I don’t like when you do that, mom, it makes me very uncomfortable” may not get your mother to deescalate. Still, by affirming your position and how the situation makes you feel, you take back the control that she is trying to steal from you.
If you are really starting to have adverse health effects from the toxic people’s behavior you have in your life, you can refuse to see them in person. If you experience anxiety thinking about when your mother will next explode, fear how your mother makes you feel, or you break out in a rash when you enter your parent’s house, you need to distance yourself from your toxic parents. These are not healthy situations, and you do not have to subject yourself to them.
For those times where you may want to see your mother, like on Mother’s Day, it is best to control the location in which you see her. Going to her house is not a great decision. However, meeting at a public place is a more controlled environment. If your mother starts to make a scene, you can simply leave. By maintaining as much control of the meetings as possible, you are also retaining control of the situation. You may even warn your toxic parent, “If you continue to talk down to me, I will leave.” Perhaps this will change your parent’s behavior. However, it can also create a more hostile environment. At this point, follow through on your statement and just leave. Again, by following through, you are controlling the situation. Also, keep in mind that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You removed yourself from being hurt or belittled. You never need to apologize for that type of self-care.
Finally, if push comes to shove, you may just need to stop talking to your toxic mother altogether. Let’s say that you have stood your ground, as outlined above: that you will continue to do things the way that works for you warned her of an action that you will take (leaving the restaurant you were meeting at for lunch), and attempted to take control of the situation. However, your mother is still embarrassing or hurting you, despite your effort. It may be time to stop talking to her altogether. While this is not ideal, if you cannot physically or mentally handle speaking to your mother, cutting ties may be your last move to protect yourself.
Seek Out The Help Of A Counselor If You Have A Toxic Parent
Those who have toxic parents often seek the help of a counselor. They want to know what they did to deserve the treatment from their parent and why they cannot seem to make their mother or father happy. Enlisting the help of a counselor is a significant step to take. You need to realize that a toxic parent is not going to change, and if you do not want to be treated poorly, you need to avoid contact. Cutting off a toxic parent can be extremely hard. You may feel like you failed as a person or as a member of your family. However, you need to know that it is not your fault. A counselor can help you work through your feelings and move forward positively and healthily.
If you consider therapy, the licensed mental health professionals at ReGain can help you work through these challenges.
Having a toxic mother of toxic parents is hard. The words that are spoken hurt, the way you are treated is poorly, and the long-term implications can be hard to overcome. However, there are many steps you can take to manage these challenges. Always remember that your goal is not to change your parent; that will not happen. The goal is to change the way you react and respond. If you do not allow your mother to say hurtful things, it will not be as bad as her presence. If you do not allow her to embarrass you, you will walk away from encounters with your head a little higher. You need to know that you are a good person and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. If it were a friend who was talking down to you, would they be a friend for very long? Most likely not. So, you should not be subjected to negative treatment from family members either.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
How do you know if your mom is toxic?
In the field of psychology today, a toxic mother or father is a parent who is unhealthy for your mental and/or physical wellbeing. If you think you might have a toxic mom or dad, look out for these warning signs of toxic behavior:
A toxic mom or dad always needs your attention.
A toxic mom or dad won’t allow you to express negative emotions
A toxic mom or dad tries to be your best friend instead of your parent
A toxic mom or dad doesn’t provide affirmation or security
A toxic mom or dad always puts themselves first
A toxic mom or dad consistently uses guilt as a manipulation tactic
A toxic mom or dad is overly demanding and/or critical of you
A toxic mom or dad blatantly ignores your boundaries
Remember that your parents don’t have to check every single bullet point of the toxic behavior listed above to be considered a toxic mom or dad. If you feel unsafe or afraid at home or your toxic mom or dad is abusive, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). Toxic mothers and fathers can cause a lot of mental and physical pain, so don’t be afraid to reach out for help if you need support or feel that it’s time to take control of the situation.
How do you deal with a toxic mother?
If you have a toxic mom or dad, it’s always a good idea to sit down and have an honest talk with them about how their behavior affects you. This allows them to make a change. But if you’ve already had the talk and your toxic mother or father hasn’t responded in the way you’d hoped, it may be time to start cutting back on the time you spend together. Perhaps you have a narcissistic mother or father who can only think about themselves, or maybe there’s another reason that your parent is unwilling to work with you. Still, either way, it’s likely to be beneficial to have some time away from them.
In some cases, you may even want to stop talking to your toxic mom or dad altogether. Every situation is different, so be sure to consider which option is the best for you. You may even want to find a therapist to get an objective opinion of the situation and help you work through your thoughts and feelings.
As you get some space from your toxic mom or dad, it’s important to remember that you are not responsible for their feelings; it’s not your job to make them happy. At this point, all you can do is communicate respectfully (if you wish to stay in contact) and make it clear that it’s time to set up healthy boundaries with your toxic mom or dad. It’s also a good idea to see a mental healthcare professional help you work through any negative effects that your toxic mother or father has had on your mental health. Toxic parents and their toxic behavior can make quite an impact on their children’s mental health, and if this impact is never addressed, there’s a possibility it will continue for the child’s entire life.
What is the most psychologically damaging thing you can say to a child?
If you ever say or imply that you no longer love your child because of something they’ve done, that can be extremely psychologically damaging. A parent’s love is meant to be unconditional, and if your child feels that you can take your love away at any moment, they’re more likely to have issues with trust and relationships in the future. If your dad or mom told you they no longer loved you after you misbehaved, you can imagine the type of effect that could have on your developing sense of identity as a child. Taking away your love is an example of toxic behavior, and it should be avoided at all costs if you want to raise a mentally healthy, well-adjusted child.
What is a toxic mother-son relationship?
A toxic relationship between mother and son may present a bit differently than a toxic relationship between a mother and daughter, but the signs to look for remain the same. According to the field of psychology today, you might notice the following in a toxic parent-child relationship:
The parent always needs to be the center of attention
The parent relies on their child to meet their emotional needs
The parent flat-out ignores boundaries set by their child
The parent is extremely critical and demanding
The parent tries to act as their child’s friend rather than their parent.
Not all toxic relationships look the same because not all toxic people are the same. For example, you may have a narcissistic mother or father who is always thinking of themselves, or perhaps your parent has more of a victim mentality or another underlying issue. If you think you have toxic parents or have contributed to any mental health issues, be sure to get the professional help you need. ReGain is a wonderful place to start, with counseling services that you can access online from the comfort of your home.
What is a toxic grandparent?
Although it’s much more common to hear the term “toxic parent” than “toxic grandparent,” toxic grandparents exist too. A toxic grandparent tends to undermine their child in front of their own children. For example, a grandmother might say to her grandson, “I make much better spaghetti than your mom does.” They may also have a habit of playing the victim or using guilt as a manipulation tactic. Some toxic grandparents also try to buy their grandchildren’s love by spoiling them with expensive gifts and making a point of outshining their parents. Toxic grandparents can also exhibit the signs of toxic parents (for example, by being manipulative or abusive).
Is it OK to cut a parent out of your life?
In some situations, it may be the best choice to cut a toxic mom or dad out of your life rather than trying to salvage the relationship. Cutting someone out of your life permanently is never an easy choice, but in some cases, it’s simply the best thing to do for everyone involved. If you have a toxic mother or father and you feel that nothing positive is coming from the relationship, or if they are intentionally keeping you from living the life you wish to live, you may want to consider cutting off communication completely.
It’s a good idea to find a therapist, find a counselor, or find another professional to consult with regarding the situation; in a relationship with a toxic mom or dad, you likely have many unresolved thoughts and feelings. A therapist can also help you set boundaries and determine whether you should cut your toxic mother or father out of your life. To find a counselor, you can take a look at our online services here at ReGain, or you could do an internet search to find counselors near you (for example, you could search “counselors in the San Francisco area,” replacing San Francisco with your location).
How do you know if your mom hates u?
Feeling that your mother or father hates you can be very difficult and emotionally painful. Parents are meant to love their children unconditionally, so if your parent seems to dislike you or even hate you, it can understandably wreak havoc on your mental health. Unfortunately, there’s no simple way to figure out whether or not your parent hates you; it all comes down to the way they treat you and the way you interpret their treatment of you.
If you feel that your mom or dad hates you, it’s a good idea to sit down and have an honest talk with them. If this doesn’t seem possible, it may be best to get professional help with the situation by talking with a counselor or therapist. In addition, if there is abuse or violence in your home, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).
What is a toxic parent?
A toxic mom or dad is a parent that treats you in a way that harms your overall wellbeing. Here are several indicators that your parent displays toxic behavior:
They’re always focused on themselves.
They tend to overreact or be overly dramatic emotionally
They need to control others
They use guilt as a way to manipulate others
They often show anger or passive-aggressive behaviors
They refuse to take the blame or show personal responsibility
They are downright mean and cruel in their words and actions
They rely on their children for emotional support
You always feel bad after talking to or spending time with them
Toxic parents can leave lasting negative effects on their children. If you grew up with a toxic mom or dad or currently live with a toxic mom or dad, know that the situation is not your fault. Talking with a mental healthcare professional may be beneficial for you if you’re having trouble in life due to your toxic mother or father.
What should parents never say to their children?
Parents should never tell their children that they don’t love them or that they regret having them. Since your relationship with your parents typically sets the stage for all the rest of the relationships in your life, the parent/child relationship must be healthy and show unconditional love. If you teach your child that your love is conditional and reliant on them behaving perfectly, you may be a toxic mother or father. Your child may struggle to learn to trust others later in life and might always feel that they must do their absolute best or no one will love them.
Lying should also be avoided, even if it’s just a small “white lie” meant to protect your child’s feelings. While explanations should always remain age-appropriate, lying to your children is never advised. In addition, try to avoid saying things that invalidate your child’s feelings. For example, if your child tells you they’re scared of something, don’t respond with, “No, you’re just silly.” Instead, validate your child’s emotions but remain rational.
What should you not say to your child?
You should never tell your child that they were a mistake or that you don’t love them. Even if they’re just said in the heat of the moment, and you don’t actually mean them, these phrases can cause lasting psychological damage. It’s also important not to compare your child to their siblings or to be overly critical of them. You should also avoid invalidating your child’s emotions; this can lead them to grow into adults who believe that their feelings don’t matter. As a parent, you have a huge influence on your children, so be sure that you’re communicating lovingly and healthily.
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