Why Some Couples Choose Pre-Engagement Counseling And How It Can Help

Medically reviewed by Julie Dodson, MA, LCSW
Updated April 25, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

Lots of people find it useful to try out some couples counseling before they get married. The basic idea is to get coaching on communication skills and healthy relationship dynamics before making a lifelong commitment. But some couples take this one step further, seeking out joint therapy before either of them has proposed. What are the advantages of pre-engagement counseling?

Pre-engagement counseling offers many of the benefits of premarital couples therapy, such as discussing important values, identifying habits that might cause conflict, and learning good strategies for discussion and negotiation. The big difference is that you get to talk these things through before making a public commitment to get married. This may make it easier to consider the possibility that the two of you might not be compatible. For some couples, this could allow for a more honest look at the pros and cons of marriage.

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Lay the groundwork for a healthy marriage

Why couples counseling before marriage can be a good idea

It’s common for people to think of relationship counseling mainly as something unhappy spouses do to avoid divorce. Yet this may not be the only use — or even the best use — of couples therapy. There’s good reason to believe that it can have a preventative effect, helping your marriage avoid trouble later on. 

Research in this area is still somewhat limited, but current evidence points toward benefits. A 2004 meta-analysis found that on average, couples who had completed some type of premarital counseling were 30% more satisfied in their marriages than those who hadn’t. They demonstrated better interpersonal skills and better overall relationship quality. 

It’s not hard to understand why this might be. If you wait until your marriage has serious problems before seeking the advice of a professional, you might miss the chance to tackle those problems while they’re less troublesome. Couples counselors frequently report that many of their clients don’t get help until they’ve been unhappy for years. By that time, their relationship challenges may have deepened due to repeated misunderstandings, arguments, and grievances. And the extended experience of such conflicts can lead to resentment or bitterness.

In addition, many newlyweds find that married life involves much more adjustment and compromise than they anticipated before they said “I do.” This can contribute a great deal to the stresses facing the relationship. A seasoned marriage counselor can often help you anticipate and prepare for these changes.

Why try pre-engagement counseling?

Maybe the above advice convinced you that seeing a counselor before getting married is a good idea. But why would you do so before even getting engaged?

For one thing, engagement is a commitment too, even if it’s not as big a step as marriage. Once a couple has announced their intentions to their family and friends, it may seem much harder to call things off. Pre-engagement counseling can give you the chance to take an honest look at the weak points in your relationship and decide whether marriage is right for you. 

Though that might not sound very romantic, it can have a positive side: assuming you do decide to get engaged after counseling, you may be much more certain you’ve made the right choice. This added peace of mind can make the process of preparing for marriage less stressful and more joyful.

Knowing that you haven’t committed to getting married might also remove some barriers to the therapeutic process. The thought of splitting up could be less daunting, making you more willing to tackle the biggest sore spots in your relationship. 

The last advantage is practical: you may have more time for counseling now than you will after you get engaged. After the proposal, you’ll most likely have dozens of other things to think about, from setting a date to negotiating with vendors. It may seem harder to fit couples therapy appointments into your schedule. 

Even if you’re able to attend couples counseling, the demands of wedding planning could limit its effectiveness. Therapists typically give couples things to work on between sessions, and it can be easy to forget these things when you’re busy revising your guest list or stocking your registry. Of course, we can always prioritize what we choose to, regardless of other commitments and responsibilities.

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What can you get from pre-engagement counseling?

If you’re still on the fence about going to counseling before you get engaged, you may find it helpful to consider some of the specific benefits. What could pre-engagement counseling do for you?

Address the big questions

Many marriage counselors say that they often encounter couples who haven’t had serious conversations about some key issues in married life. This may be due to a sense of awkwardness or because they’re afraid they might not like the answers. It could also be because they just assume they’re on the same page.

Whatever the reason, neglecting these discussions now could lead to major conflict down the line. You’re likely better off discussing them intentionally before either person pops the question. A pre-engagement counselor will likely help you navigate questions like:

  • How much will we merge our finances? Will we take on each other’s debt?

  • Where do we want to live?

  • What annoys you most about me? What do you like best?

  • Will we have children? How many?

  • If we have kids, will one spouse take care of them full-time? 

  • What do you need to be sexually satisfied?

  • What counts as cheating?

Learn each other’s love languages

The idea of “love languages” can sound like lightweight pop psychology, but there’s some actual research supporting it’s relevance. Different people seem to prefer different ways of expressing affection. They may also find it easier to feel loved when a partner employs the love language they understand best.

A professional counselor can often help you identify your partner’s love language and get better at speaking it. This can be hugely helpful in maintaining your emotional bond through the stresses of engagement and marriage.

Work out your boundaries

Committing to marriage can mean intertwining your lives in countless ways. Your marriage may well be the most intimate bond you will ever have with another person. This can make it all the more important to establish clear boundaries to ensure that your values and individuality are honored. 

When couples don’t know what’s out of bounds for each other, they may wind up causing deep hurt without meaning to. Pre-engagement counseling can be an excellent forum for negotiating the boundaries that you’ll ask each other to honor in your life together.

Practice arguing

It’s easy to view arguments as negative in a relationship. However, that may not always be the case. A 2019 paper found evidence that couples who often expressed mild anger tended to last longer, perhaps because it gave them a chance to address disagreements before they grew into major problems. 

The key may be in learning how to argue in constructive ways, and how to make up afterward. In pre-engagement therapy, you’ll probably discuss many of the things which cause friction between you and your prospective spouse. You’ll be able to practice addressing your disagreements while your counselor acts as a moderator and coaches you on how to clash without causing hurt feelings.

This can be good practice for the times when you’ll have to make decisions as a couple, even for topics about which you do not have 100% agreement. You may be able to develop some strategies and processes for coming to agreements about difficult issues.

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Lay the groundwork for a healthy marriage

Identify dysfunctional dynamics

Many marriages wind up encountering challenges because of patterns of behavior that began very early in the relationship. When you’re falling in love with someone, or caught up in the excitement of preparing for your wedding, it may be easier to ignore or minimize these interpersonal issues. Unfortunately, this can allow them to deepen and become much harder to change. 

A trained counselor may help you spot these troubling dynamics before you get engaged. This can give you time to work on them while you don’t have an upcoming wedding distracting you. You’ll likely be better prepared to overcome these issues if they rear their heads later on.

Online counseling before getting engaged

Some couples who choose pre-engagement counseling prefer to meet with a therapist over the Internet rather than in person. It’s often easier to make time for sessions when you can attend from home instead of traveling to an office. 

This is especially helpful when you have to work around two people’s work schedules. Being in familiar surroundings may also help you feel more comfortable with the process, enabling you to discuss your relationship more openly and honestly.

Though there haven’t been many studies on Internet-based pre-engagement counseling, research into online couples counseling has shown positive results. One 2022 study looked at both face-to-face and remote options and found no difference in how well they worked. Online couples counseling produced significant improvements in both mental health and relationship satisfaction. 

Takeaway

Starting couples counseling before you decide to get married can be a good way to ensure you’re making the right choice. It can also set you up for a stronger marriage by identifying points of conflict, improving your interpersonal skills, and helping you get to know each other better. Starting couples counseling before you think you’ll need it is rarely a bad idea.

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