Recognizing The Signs Of Spousal Abuse

Updated March 27, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

Content/Trigger Warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include sexual assault & violence, which could potentially be triggering.

Spousal abuse is a common problem in America, affecting millions of people each year. Read on to explore the different types of spousal abuse, how to recognize the signs that your partner’s behavior is abusive, and how therapy can help you recover after being hurt or controlled by someone you trusted to love you.

What is spousal abuse?

Spousal abuse is also called domestic violence or intimate partner violence. While the methods and underlying causes can differ from one couple to another, these terms all describe patterns of abusive behavior one partner uses to gain and continue exerting power and control over their spouse. This abuse can take many forms, some of which may be difficult to identify as inappropriate behavior at first glance. Though many people relate men to domestic violence, women can be abusive

How common is spousal abuse?

Unfortunately, abusive behavior between intimate partners is a common occurrence. Every minute in America, 20 adults experience abuse at the hands of their romantic partner. 

“1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. This includes a range of behaviors (e.g., slapping, shoving, pushing) and, in some cases, might not be considered ‘domestic violence.’ 1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner.” — National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Understanding the pattern of abuse

Abusive behaviors can be different for each perpetrator, but researchers have identified patterns of abuse that often follow a three-stage cycle.

The tension stage

You may notice small signs of controlling behaviors, concerning reactions, or verbal abuse. You may make extra efforts to be what your partner wants to avoid their anger and feel you’re “walking on eggshells.”

The acute stage

Whether or not you notice any warning signs, this stage involves overt abuse and potentially physical violence and may last until the perpetrator gets it out of their system or you leave the relationship. 

The honeymoon stage

When your partner moves into the honeymoon stage, they realize they have made a series of mistakes and show remorse for their behavior. They may apologize, try to be extra nice or loving, and show you that they’ve changed. However, the cycle often starts again. 

What are the types of abuse?

Abuse can cover a wide spectrum of behaviors related to power and control. Explore the different types of harmful and controlling behaviors and the signs that your partner’s behavior is abusive. 

“Relationship abuse is a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control over a partner. This can manifest in different ways. Multiple types of abuse usually occur in an abusive relationship. Understanding how abuse occurs and intersects can help you safely respond to situations.” — Types of Abuse, National Domestic Violence Hotline

Physical abuse

It can be easy to recognize physically abusive behavior because it involves the use of violence or the threat of it to take and keep power over you. You may be afraid, not knowing when they could hurt you again, which can make it easier for you to let other, more subtle abuses slide.

Signs of physical spousal abuse

  • Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting, choking, smothering, or otherwise causing you physical harm
  • Preventing you from leaving the room or the house, or contacting emergency services
  • Harming your children or pets to control you
  • Denying or preventing medical treatment or prescribed medication
  • Using or threatening to use weapons against you

Emotional abuse

Non-physical abusive behaviors are designed to isolate, control, and frighten you into behaving the way your spouse wants you to behave. This type of spousal abuse can be more challenging to identify because it’s often subtle, but it can be every bit as damaging. 

Signs of emotional abuse

  • Constantly calling you names and criticizing or insulting you
  • Behaving with jealousy and possessiveness or accusing you of infidelity without any evidence or suspicious behavior
  • Gaslighting you by trivializing your feelings and experiences, denying facts, or questioning your memory. 
  • Isolating you from friends, family, and other support
  • Controlling what you wear, whom you talk to, or how you act

Sexual abuse

If your partner controls all the physical and sexual intimacy in your relationship without your consent, it could be abusive behavior. 

Signs of sexual abuse

  • Forcing or manipulating you to have sex when you don’t want to
  • Holding you down during sex without your consent or otherwise violating sexual boundaries
  • Making you dress in a sexual way that makes you uncomfortable
  • Forcing you to watch or make pornography

Financial abuse

Your partner may exert undue power and control over the financial situation in the relationship, leaving you unable to access the money you earned or adequate access to financial support. 

Signs of financial abuse

  • Preventing you from checking the balance or accessing bank accounts
  • Spending shared funds without speaking to you or withdrawing money for savings accounts for children, like college funds
  • Refusing to provide money for shared expenses, or refusing to work
  • Stealing money from you, family, or friends and leaving you to explain their behavior
  • Interfering with your job or getting you fired and forcing you to work of job of their choosing 

Digital abuse

While the internet can be a useful tool, it can also be used with harmful intentions. If your spouse uses technology to bully, stalk, intimidate, harass, or control you, it could be considered digital abuse. 

Signs of digital abuse

  • Controlling whom you talk to on social media
  • Intentionally insulting or humiliating you on social media
  • Making you feel that you must always instantly respond to calls or texts
  • Manipulating you into sending explicit photos or videos and blackmailing you with them
  • Using social media to track your interactions and activities

Sexual coercion

You may experience sexual coercion, which is a spectrum of behaviors ranging from persistent begging and persuasion all the way to forced sexual activity. Mental health experts said it can be essential to remember that you never owe your partner use of your body. 

Signs of sexual coercion

  • Implying that you owe them sex or that they deserve it for previous favors or gifts
  • Using alcohol or substances to relax your inhibitions
  • Demanding sex to “prove” your love for them
  • Continuing to pressure you after you’ve said no, or using intimidation to make you afraid to say no.
  • Threatening to cheat on you or leave if you don’t give them sex

Reproductive coercion

Removing your power to control your reproductive system, such as denying access to or sabotaging your birth control, persistent guilt or shame about not wanting children. 

Signs of reproductive coercion

  • Refusing to use a condom or allow you to use birth control
  • Lying about birth control methods
  • Forcing you to get pregnant or intentionally getting pregnant against your wishes
  • Forcing you to have an abortion or preventing access to one
  • Removing or sabotaging birth control methods

How therapy can help you recover from spousal abuse

Being abused by your spouse can be a traumatic experience that leaves you shaken, confused, and likely feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Consider working with a licensed therapist online through a virtual relationship therapy platform like Regain. Therapy can help you identify, understand, and process your emotions related to the abuse, whether you choose to stay in the relationship or not. If you do stay with your partner, you may benefit from couples therapy to establish effective communication, practical coping skills, and conflict-resolution methods. 

Researchers at the American Psychological Association released studies showing that online and in-person therapy offer similar outcomes. Many patients reported shorter wait times and lower costs with remote treatment. Teletherapy platforms also offer access to a larger selection of qualified therapists, making it more likely for you to find someone who fits your personality and situation while allowing you to feel comfortable. 

Takeaway 

Recognizing that you’re a survivor of spousal abuse can be a hard realization. Domestic abuse isn’t always straightforward, and you may not always be able to immediately recognize it as abusive behavior. The information in this article may offer insight into identifying the signs of spousal abuse and how therapy can help you recover if you’re a survivor. 

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