Standing Up Against Controlling Men: What Should You Do When It’s Hard To Leave?

If you’re experiencing the effects of a controlling relationship, considering leaving can feel overwhelming. However, taking the step to leave a negative situation can be what you need to step forward into a better life. Below, we’re exploring the steps you should consider taking before making your departure, and offer additional supportive strategies to aid you in your healing process.

How do I know if I might be in a controlling situation? 

Identifying the signs of a controlling relationship can be a helpful first step in making decisions that support a healthier future for you. 

Some signs to watch for that could indicate a controlling situation include verbal, emotional and physical abuse. You also may experience urges from your partner to restrict or control how you do or say things. Other potentially controlling actions may include criticizing you for no reason, purposely isolating you from others, making you feel guilty or using guilt to control you and making you feel “less than”.

Prior to instances of abuse or excessively controlling behavior, you may notice symptoms that preclude your partner’s more severe actions. While this can look different for everyone, common co-factors or symptomatic manifestations can include an overall lack of trust, humorous teasing disguised as criticism and implantation of feelings of doubt. 

If you have experienced intimate partner violence or abuse in any form, we encourage you to reach out to 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They can connect you with local agencies currently providing support for anyone seeking immediate assistance.

Now that you have the information you need to potentially identify controlling behavior, you can determine if next steps need to be taken. If you decide that it might be appropriate for you to leave the relationship, we encourage you to read on through the next few possible steps we’ve listed below. 

1. Determine what is holding you back

Understanding what may be holding you back from leaving a controlling situation can help you to identify what further steps must be taken for you to be comfortable in your next season. There are several reasons why people choose to stay in or find it difficult to leave unhealthy relationships, which can include:

• Societal normalization. A person may not see their relationship as unhealthy because society might have normalized certain behaviors that are abusive or controlling. If you don't recognize related actions, you might assume that you have no reason to end the relationship.

• Damaged self-image or self-esteem. Some may be unable to see they were emotionally abused during their relationship. This may be due to poor self-esteem as a result of actions taken in the relationship or partner behaviors, such as gaslighting. 

• Fears of personal safety violations. Some may find it extremely difficult to leave a controlling situation if they are not sure that they will be safe on the other end

• Societal pressure. Some may feel pressure from society to remain with the person, especially if it is a long-established relationship. 

• Fabricated confusion. Some people might feel responsible for their partner's actions, causing them to have pause about leaving.  The controlling member may make their partner feel bad, guilty or at fault for the behavior, further confusing the situation. 

• Overwhelm. People may find it harder to leave controlling relationships if they’ve experienced dependency that is hard to break, such as being married with children during the time of the behavior. 

We do want to note that there are many reasons why it may feel hard to leave a controlling relationship. However, you are generally responsible for your life and how you want to live it. Help can be made available to help you to get out of the relationship if you decide that doing so is the next right step for your specific situation.

2. Making an action plan to leave

Once you understand why it is hard to leave, you might choose to assess your options, and determine how and when to take action. Here are a few suggestions to consider when determining how to leave your relationship.

Get reconnected with people you know. Many controlling relationships might lead to feelings of isolation or lost contact with family and friends. As you prepare to leave, you may consider reconnecting with people you know and letting them know about your situation if it’s safe to do so. 

While it may feel uncomfortable reaching out, you may be pleasantly surprised by their support. They can become an essential part of your support system. If you don't have family or friends, you might consider reaching out to someone else you know or trust such as your doctor, church affiliate if applicable or police.

Establish your getaway plan. Planning how to leave the relationship may increase your chances of a successful separation. It can ensure that you are physically and emotionally able to leave while making sure everything you need to adjust well is considered. 

Your plan can help you to know actions to take such as who to call, where you'll stay and what you need to take with you to keep for you until you get settled. 

Leave when the risk of a confrontation is minimal. To potentially increase the chances that your plan will be successful, you may consider leaving when your partner is occupied so that you won't be stopped. Planning ahead can help with this. If you plan to connect with a trusted friend or family, let them know your plans to increase the chances that you’ll have additional support if the situation requires it. 

Find someone you can talk to about your situation. Dealing with a controlling boyfriend may bring up emotions that can be challenging to cope with personally. Someone you can trust, such as a family or friend you can stay in touch with while transitioning can help you stay focused on leaving. A couple's counselor can help you with emotions resulting from leaving. 

Focus on your physical and mental safety. Consider giving your mental and physical health extra focus and care as you begin your life away from your controlling boyfriend, husband or partner. 

How can online therapy help those in a controlling relationship? 

When you’re experiencing the effects of a controlling relationship, the idea of reaching out for help can seem overwhelming. Online therapy can be an effective way to seek support while in a controlling situation, offering you a potentially safer and more acceptable option to in-person methods. You can reach the platform discreetly through your smart device and connect with a therapist in your area of need. 

Is online therapy effective for those with controlling partners? 

The effects of a controlling relationship can manifest in uniquely individual ways. While some may experience anxiety disorders and depression, others may have symptoms that align with a PTSD diagnosis or other mental health conditions. 

Several meta-analyses released from the National Center for Health Research have found that online therapy is especially effective for those experiencing trauma, anxiety disorders and depression. This was corroborated by an additional 40+ studies considered in a second analysis. 

Takeaway

Confronting your fears about leaving a controlling boyfriend or husband can be a helpful first step in ensuring your happiness. Understand the abuse or controlling behaviors occurring in your relationship and their patterns and taking action to seek support can open the door to new opportunities for growth and freedom. Online therapy can be an especially helpful tool to support your healing process. Regain can connect you with an online therapist in your area of need.