Does My Partner Have A Controlling Personality?

Content Warning: This article discusses themes that may relate to domestic violence and abuse. Its content may be triggering for some readers. If you believe you or someone you know may be experiencing abuse, help is always available through the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). 

Relationships can come with the potential to contribute great positivity or negativity to your life. Ultimately, the experiences you have can depend upon a series of factors, but the most important ones may be yourself and your partner. One of the most toxic elements in a relationship can be a partner with a controlling personality. Behavior that’s meant to control another person can often be classified as abusive, even if it’s not intentionally so. Understanding what a controlling personality might look like and what might drive it can be tricky, but it can be vital to do so for your own well-being. Thankfully, there are some very clear signs which you should likely be aware of.

Five signs of having a controlling personality

More often than not, a controlling personality can manifest when someone is fearful or anxious about losing a grip on events in their life. Individuals with controlling personalities may generally be afraid of being vulnerable or perceived as weak by others. Sadly, this type of defense mechanism can be unhealthy to be around because controlling personalities can rapidly spiral out of control. Controlling behavior can be a common feature of several types of abuse, and it’s something to take seriously. Let’s take a look at some signs that might indicate a controlling personality.

1. Conditional love

If your partner places stipulations on their love or affection for you, it can be a major sign of a controlling personality. A healthy relationship usually entails two partners maintaining love and care for one another, even during tough times or arguments. However, someone with a controlling personality may withdraw their love if they don't get their way. In many regards, this can be classified as a form of gaslighting and emotional abuse. Those with controlling personalities may feel as though the withdrawal of their affection is the best way to maintain the upper hand in a relationship.

2. Alienation from loved ones

Like conditional love, a partner who moves to alienate you from your loved one may indeed be one with a controlling personality. Your partner's need to alienate you can be derived from the unjustified belief that your connections with others might cause you to care for them less. In other scenarios, someone with a controlling personality may aim to alienate you for the sake of having greater power over you; it's often much easier to exert control over someone when they lack a support system. If you find yourself in a relationship with a partner who appears to be driving wedges between you and the people you care about, it might be time to consider whether this is truly the best relationship for you.

3. Ultimatums and threats

Ultimatums and threats can be additional red flags that might point to a controlling personality. In a healthy relationship, your partner should likely be able to sit down and talk with you when difficult issues arise. In an unhealthy relationship where your partner feels the need to exert control or dominance, they may make threats and ultimatums. These could pertain to your well-being, their well-being, or the loss of things or relationships which you deem as valuable. Over time, being in a relationship with someone who makes these types of threats can begin to negatively impact your mental health.

4. Unnecessary criticism

Healthy criticism in a relationship can be normal and even productive; however, if your partner seems to criticize every move you make, they may be someone who wants to have control. You might feel like every action is followed up by your partner's thoughts on what you could do better to make them happy or gain their approval. In many situations, unnecessary criticism can start at small levels and then gradually increase. It can be tough to notice while it's happening, but if you're in a situation where your partner seems to have negative feedback every time you turn around, be mindful.

5. Double standards

Double standards in any relationship can be hypocritical and unfair; sadly, they often tend to manifest when controlling personalities feel compelled to prove that they're in charge. A controlling partner might insist upon having the password to your cell phone, for instance, but refuse to hand over the password to theirs. Likewise, someone with a controlling personality may genuinely convince themselves that their double standards are justified, even if they're not. Healthy relationships, on the other hand, are typically built upon equality, trust, and mutual respect.

What to do if your partner has a controlling personality

If your partner has a controlling personality, your first step may be to take a step back. Maybe the relationship started in a good place but gradually worsened with time. When you have memories from a relationship, it can be challenging to leave, but ultimately, doing what is in your best interest can be deeply imperative. At the end of the day, the choice you make is up to you, but the following steps are strongly recommended if your partner has a controlling personality.

Leave the relationship

Leaving a relationship with someone who has a controlling personality may be the best course of action for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Controlling personalities often tend to worsen over time, and many situations involving domestic violence can escalate because someone felt entitled to control the relationship. Leaving the relationship might not be the easiest thing in the world, but you if you choose to do so, you’ll likely thank yourself in the long run. Freeing yourself from a partnership with a controlling personality can open you up to experience a healthy, happy relationship later down the line.

Reach out to your loved ones

Letting your loved ones know what's happening in your relationship may prove to be very important. This can be especially critical if your partner has made moves to alienate you from other people in your life. Transitioning out of a relationship with a controlling personality can often be tough but having a strong support system in your corner may make a positive difference. Those who love and care for you can help ensure that you're safe and in a good emotional place as you depart from your current relationship.

Don't blame yourself

It may not be uncommon for the controlling partner to blame you for their shortcomings in a relationship with a controlling personality. With time, it can be easy to internalize this rhetoric and view yourself as responsible for their behavior. In truth, you're not at fault for the behavior of anyone else. We all can make our own choices in life and live with the outcomes. Never feel as though you are to blame for your partner having a controlling personality.

Know that there's hope after this relationship

Toxic relationships with controlling personalities can be well-known for taking tolls on people's emotional well-being. In many cases, people question why they went through their experiences with someone who turned out to be very controlling. They may also wonder whether all relationships will be this way for them. Furthermore, these fears can be exacerbated depending on what their partner has told them during the relationship.

It can help to know that hope, life, and love can exist after this relationship. Sometimes, we must go through the hardest struggles of our lives before reaching the best and brightest chapters.

Reach out for professional help and guidance

Even with the support of friends, family, and other loved ones, managing a partner with a controlling personality and taking the next best steps may be no easy feat. It can be completely normal to have questions about the relationship, yourself, and so much more.

In situations like these, working with a therapist can be immensely beneficial. Therapy can allow you to get professional care and assistance uniquely tailored to your situation. Whether you're facing a controlling personality in a relationship or some other obstacle in life, a therapist to work with can truly provide immense value.

Signing up for online therapy can help you ensure that you can get support anywhere, regardless of your lifestyle, schedule, or other factors. Having a therapist in your corner doesn't necessarily mean that life will always be easy or effortless. However, it may mean that you'll be much more equipped to handle anything that comes your way.

Research also suggests that online therapy may be a more approachable treatment option for those who seek it out. One review of over a dozen studies found that online therapy options can generally be more cost-effective for clients than traditional, in-person therapy. That means that online therapy can help you save time, money, and stress, all while helping you pursue your goals.

Takeaway

A controlling personality can significantly affect your relationship with a partner, and at the end of the day, it may be something that’s better not to ignore. If your partner criticizes you, isolates you, or otherwise attempts to control who you are and what you do, it may be best to consider ending the relationship or seeking professional support. Your own well-being should not have to be adversely impacted because of a relationship; instead, it should be a source of love and mutual support. When that’s not the case, it might be time to take action.