Why Date Nights With Your Spouse Are A Priority, Not A Luxury

Does it surprise you that date nights with your spouse need to be the rule and not the exception? Dating your spouse may seem absurd to some, but the reality is, this can be a very important part of maintaining the health and happiness of your relationship. It can be a common misconception that dating is an activity reserved for the singles - a way to look for the partner with whom you hope to spend your life.

But the truth is that dating can and should continue after marriage if you want to keep that spark that was ignited in the early days of getting to know one another. While it is true that the passionate feelings from the beginning of a relationship can curb and calm down, it doesn't mean you have to settle into a boring routine with your spouse. We will discuss a few reasons why below. Although the word 'marriage' will be used when discussing why date nights with your spouse are a priority, this can be true for all committed couples, married or not.

In the beginning

So you’ve just gotten into a relationship. These are often days of rose-colored glasses and overlooking any of the less than perfect habits and behaviors of your significant other. Colors seem brighter; the world appears to be a kinder, happier place, and waking up each morning often brings a smile as you think of your new love.

This part of the relationship can involve the magic of getting lost in conversations that seemingly could go on forever. Maybe you recognize the ease of listening to your partner's stories and replays of the day with such interest and intrigue. This stage of a new relationship is comparable to the euphoria one experiences in an altered state.

Marriage

Some of us can recall with a great amount of detail that moment when we knew they were "The One." Then maybe you got to the point when your dreams became a reality and suddenly you found yourself on the happy road to marriage. The engagement is often both titillating and exhausting. Perhaps there's so much to do, and such a short time to get it all done! It's not uncommon for partners to switch modes and to become "getting married machines" that can allow themselves to become consumed by the impending nuptials. While this can be exhilarating, it can also be quite taxing on the relationship.

This is often a time when partners can discover that they might each have a unique version of what they're expecting. Compromise may be introduced into this phase as planning for a wedding can create some conflicts of expectation. It can be a slippery slope to go from planning to be married to becoming consumed by a wedding. Planning a wedding can be quite stressful and might take its toll on the relationship.

Marriage misconceptions

One of the things couples might tell themselves to manage the stress of planning their big day is that "once we're married, we can get back to focusing on the U.S." While this is typically true to an extent, it can be important to remember that the act of marriage isn't about arriving at a happy destination where you and your partner rejoice ever after in wedded bliss. Rather, it is a new step in the relationship. This is true of any commitment. Once we connect with our partners on a deeper level, things might change. Things can begin to shift from 'me' into us. Our identities may become altered.

At this point, we might no longer be just a cute couple that is great together. Instead, we've committed to a partnership with our significant other that traditionally includes partner exclusivity, living arrangements, joint finances, and legal responsibilities for one another. In short, commitment and marriage change you and your partner. While it often is, albeit, a gradual metamorphosis, both partners typically do indeed change.

Marriage reality

The change or new phase in your relationship may be gentle and gradual. We don't wake up on our honeymoon in bed with a stranger. That "pink cloud" is often brought right into the beginning of a marriage. We often refer to couples in this relationship phase as being in the "honeymoon stage." This is a time when the world is new again. Life as a married couple can feel like an adventure to be explored. This joyful period can go on for a while, but just like anything else, nothing is "new" forever.

Slowly and subtly partners might begin to notice that their sweetheart isn’t always as interesting as they once seemed. Some of the “cute quirks” might begin to appear annoying and even irritating. The familiar can begin to replace the spontaneous. Often, routines become established, and maybe dating is pushed further and further down the list of top priorities.

Evolving relationship

Becoming familiar with your spouse and settling into routines isn't always a bad thing. It can even be an important part of the evolving relationship. Marriage is a commitment to spend your life with a partner for whom you care deeply. The beginning of the relationship, while filled with passion and excitement, often doesn't reveal who each partner is authentically. This is discovered over time. Deepening the authenticity of your connection can be a part of establishing a deeper connection with your loved one.

Further along, if a couple decides to include children in their family, it can become even more challenging to make time for each other, but it is doable if both partners are committed to working on keeping the relationship exciting and fulfilling. That said, there could be pitfalls in this stage as well. But fear not, there are ways to overcome this risk.

Keeping your relationship spontaneous

Perhaps one of the things we love about the early days of a relationship is the spontaneity. There might be nothing like the thrill of receiving a bouquet for no apparent reason. And remember how your partner enthusiastically attended sports events simply because you were a fan of that particular team? Or what about the hours you each put into making sure your appearance was tip-top?

It can be easy to relax into familiar roles and allow much of the spontaneity you both enjoyed in the early days to become a distant memory. While this might be a common practice, it is not always without consequence. Partners can become bored and feel unfulfilled when little or no effort is put into keeping the spark alive. 

One of the ways you can guard against this common mistake is to continue dating your spouse. Regular date nights with your spouse can and should be a high priority in a healthy marriage relationship. 

Dating your spouse

It might seem a bit fake to pretend to be who you once were in the beginning stages of your relationship. The truth is, you'll likely never recreate those moments exactly. It’s no secret that partners change. Growth is inevitable. It’s helpful to realize that dating can change too. 

Sometimes just knowing that you have regularly scheduled time away from the humdrum of married life with all its responsibilities and stresses can provide a much-needed haven.

This can be a time to immerse yourself in the light-hearted, stress-free fun of spending time with your better half. This can be a great way to cultivate the merger of friendship and romance. It doesn't have to be one or the other. 

Regularly reigniting the "spark"

Even with regular date nights, the "spark" in a relationship can ebb to a low-voltage glow if it's not given proper attention. A good rule to remember is that if you want to keep what you have, you might have to keep doing what you did to get it. It's not always necessary to maintain the intensity of the feelings you experienced in the early days of your relationship. 

However, it can be helpful to be mindful that keeping the spark in a relationship typically requires determination to do so. It doesn't just happen. It's instead a premeditated commitment to continue to put forth a romantic effort. And the rewards outweigh the "work" exponentially!

Being best friends and lovers

In marriage, there can be ways to have your cake and eat it too. You really can fill the two roles of 'best friend' and 'lover.' They are not mutually exclusive. Each role can bring its own intimacy to the relationship. Date nights can be a great time to be reminded that these two intimacy factors are a big part of feeling connected to your spouse. How to date your spouse is a matter that can require time and effort, and it can speak volumes about your commitment to maintaining a connection that will last a lifetime. It's not only a time for romance but also a time to reconnect as friends.

How do you do this? Find things that you have in common and invest in them. Think about it. The friends that you had growing up (or even as an adult) were likely a part of your life because you had common interests and you supported each other. It doesn't have to be different now. Date nights with your spouse that are based on things you both enjoy will feel just as fun as a night out with your pals.

Getting on the same page

What if he or she doesn't want to invest in the same way you do? This is a common question. If you find that your partner isn't as enthusiastic as you are about regular date nights, don't feel defeated. This certainly isn't a sign that all is lost. It may take some time and creativity to get them on board.

If you feel that you've exhausted your efforts, it might be a good idea to seek out professional help for suggestions on keeping the spark alive with your partner. The counselors at Regain have much experience in the many struggles that can surface in a marriage. Don't hesitate to reach out for professional help and support. Online therapy is incredibly effective, sometimes even more than in-person therapy. In couples therapy specifically, a vast majority of couples consider the process to be helpful. In other words, if you’re looking for a change or even just to maintain the good times, online therapy can be an excellent place to start.

Takeaway

Maybe life isn't a fairytale, and marriage can be full of ups and downs. There are daily responsibilities and realities that can easily derail the focus on one another. The mundane can easily eclipse the importance of taking time to reset and focus on your partner and the many attributes that you appreciate in them. Reminding yourself that it's okay to regularly steal away time with your love can be a good way to keep your marriage on a positive track.

It can be destructive to any relationship to have unrealistic expectations. The best "happily, ever after" that any of us can expect might be a fulfilling relationship in which we feel loved and valued. These are not magical accomplishments. They require effort and commitment on the part of both marriage partners. Regular date nights may seem like a luxury, but in actuality, they are a must for any couple hoping to experience ongoing intimacy and connectivity with their spouse.