How Do I Break Up With My Boyfriend And Move On?
Medically Reviewed By Cessel Boyd-Lewis, LCMHC
Breaking up with your boyfriend can be a heart-wrenching experience as those in their initial stages of a relationship are still basking in the novelty of it all, and the unwavering affection, attention, and other benefits come with these kinds of relationships. However, as with other things in life, not everything works out, and you have probably been left wondering, "How do I break up with my boyfriend?" If you've realized that the relationship you're in isn't right for you, you might not know precisely how to break the news to him, as this next step can be just as difficult as deciding to end the relationship in the first place.
Then, there is another portion of the breakup process that you have to face after you have managed to let him know that you no longer wish to see him and that you believe it would be best to go your separate ways: the aftermath of losing that person. For whatever reasons you may have chosen to break up with your boyfriend, that doesn't mean that the split still can't be painful for you, and you may feel moments of weakness where you wish to be back with them and will make attempts to contact them. Moving on is the second part of the process and often the most difficult part. If you have decided to break up with your boyfriend, here are some tips on how to do so successfully and how to move on from the relationship after you have broken it off.
How Do I Break Up With My Boyfriend?
One thing you need to consider before the "how" of breaking up with your boyfriend is the "why" you are breaking up with your boyfriend in the first place. Take out a sheet of paper and start writing a list of all of the reasons why you are doing this and take some time to truly search your soul for answers that are true to you. Look at this list and ask yourself, are these good reasons to break up with him. If they are, these will help validate your choice further and make the process more comfortable once you reach the actual event of breaking up with him.
If you decide that you're ready to break up with your boyfriend, you need to take some time beforehand to start coming up with a plan that will make it easy for both you and your boyfriend. For example, some questions you should ask yourself are, when and where will you do it? What is it that you want to say? What must be said? It's essential to plan before the event so that you will be able to break up with him efficiently and reduce the risk that you can be convinced to stay in the relationship.
Another thing to consider when breaking up with a boyfriend is how he might react to the news of you breaking up with him. Do you think that he sees this coming, or do you expect him to be surprised? Do you expect him to be angry or reactive aggressively towards your choice? If you're worried he will react unpredictably or aggressively, you might want to have someone there when you break up with him or do it in a semi-public place. Safety is very important. If you believe your boyfriend is someone who will lash out or physically hurt you because of your choice, this indicates a toxic relationship that needed to be broken off as soon as possible.
Once you have planned everything out and have come up with a mental list of everything you need to say, it is time to meet up with your boyfriend and present him with the news. Overall, be fair but firm. Don't let him change your mind if you've decided that this is the best move for you right now. He might try to promise that he'll change if you stay with him, but do you really believe it, and is it necessarily something that he could change on his part, or is this choice more about you? Remember, this is your choice and your life. Follow your instincts and do what's best for you.
Once We Break Up, How Do I Move On?
To enter a relationship, we must have feelings for the other person, and these feelings and connections are generally hard to get rid of once we have formed them. When you break up with your boyfriend, you will most likely feel those connections tugging on your heartstrings and pleading with you to go back to your boyfriend, but you must remember to stay strong as you chose for a reason, and you must stick to that choice. Fortunately, there are plenty of ways that you can move on from the relationship and start your life anew.
The first thing that you should consider doing is to delete every shred of evidence from him in your life. Some people may not need to do this as they don't have as much difficulty and may not want to get rid of reminders, but any reminder can bring you another step back to reforming the relationship for struggling people. Gather up any items that they may have given you and throw them away or dispose of them in another appropriate manner shortly after the breakup. Also, make sure to get rid of any digital traces such as phone numbers, pictures on social media, or social media profiles that you are currently following. As the saying goes, out of sight, out of mind.
Some other ways to move on after breaking up with your boyfriend are by setting healthy boundaries for your new relationship (if there is one), getting out there and meeting new people (this isn't recommended for everyone, but you must know yourself and whether or not this would be a healthy choice for you), and hanging out with friends and family who can replace the time you used to spend with your boyfriend. (If you plan to stay friends when you break up, make sure you set boundaries for things like whether you will hang out alone or what things you can talk about. Otherwise, you may end up getting back into a relationship with him.) This can make it easier to move on. It's also possible that you won't be in contact, in which case this probably won't be an issue or, perhaps, you may want to avoid him entirely. As with throwing everything out, avoiding him and staying involved in your own life is a great way to forget what happened.
Another way to jumpstart moving on is by keeping yourself busy with work and with other activities. Sitting home alone and reflecting on things or constantly having enough time to focus on the breakup will only allow you to fixate on your ex and will make it much harder for you to break away and move on mentally. You can easily eliminate this large gap of time by taking on more work, by engaging in other activities that fill the time between work or other spare moments where you otherwise wouldn't be doing anything, or by finding hobbies that you truly enjoy and that keep your mind off of your boyfriend. As the last section suggests, spending more time with your friends and keeping busy this way will also help you to concentrate on your life rather than on him. Overall, focus on yourself, take care of yourself, and make it so that the only person you can think about is you. Once you have been able to separate yourself from the previous attachment, it will grow easier to move on, and you will feel less of that intense emotion over time. If it makes you feel better, you can also read plenty of experiences online by people who have gone through exactly what you are going through time and time again and who have overcome it! If other people could do it, you are more than capable of moving on as well.
Conclusion
If you're planning on breaking up with your boyfriend, you might be feeling a little stressed out and unsure of yourself, which can add to the difficulty of attempting to end the relationship. If you're struggling to stick to your decision and come up with a plan, the best thing to do in this situation is to trust your gut and be honest about how you're feeling and also by talking to someone that can help you gain some clarity. That person can be a friend or family member you trust or, a counselor is another good option if you want unbiased help and support during this difficult transition. Even better, a counselor is someone who will be able to provide you with a ton of resources, tools, and advice that will make it easier to both break up with your boyfriend and move on afterward.
Online counseling services like ReGain make it easier than ever for you to connect with a counselor on your terms, in whatever way is most convenient for you. You can send unlimited messages to the counselor you are matched with from your electronic devices and even schedule phone sessions if they are needed or desired. If you think a therapist is the best person for you during this difficult time, take the first step today by reaching out to a counselor who can help you with all of these issues and guide you through the many steps that will come after the relationship has ended.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
How do you move on from someone you love?
When it’s time to move on, and you’re having difficulty doing so, there are a couple of things to make sure that you do. First, cut contact with your ex if you haven’t already. After a relationship ends, it might be tempting to say, “let’s be friends.” However, the hard truth is that most people are not ready for that when they are fresh out of a relationship. Having the other person in your peripheral can make it hard to move on, so stop talking to them past what is necessary and consider blocking them on social media, or at least mute them. You can’t control what others share on Facebook or other social media platforms, which can be tough if you’re in the same circle. If something about them comes up on your feed, skip to content past the post. A social media break can even help in some scenarios. It may be tempting to check up on them, but give yourself emotional freedom from having the other person in your view and stop yourself from looking at their social media accounts. Once you have gotten that out of the way, make sure that you focus on yourself, your other social relationships, and your goals in life. If they are to remain in your life, set boundaries.
How do I move on if I still love him?
It’s tough to move on when you still love someone, so first, give yourself grace and remind yourself of your own personal strength. Focus on yourself and get in touch with the things you desire that have nothing to do with your ex. Make sure that you’re taking the time to think about what you want in life, and before you move to the next relationship, emphasize thinking about what you want outside of romance. Is there a career goal you have in mind? Is there a craft or skill you want to learn? Are there friends you haven’t checked on or talked to in a while? Let yourself feel your feelings, and especially when it first happens, give yourself time to mourn. Know that there will be ups and downs; some days will be good, and other days, the person might enter your mind, and it may be tough. If time goes on and you feel stuck, talking to a mental health provider can help.
How do I start to move on?
Continue to process emotions as they come up. Many people experience ups and downs after a breakup, so remind yourself that you are strong and deserving of joy and care. When some time has passed, and it’s time to move on in terms of dating and relationships, think about the kind of partner that you want. What are your non-negotiables? This doesn’t mean you have to be wildly picky or come up with the most specific person in the world that you would want to date at all. It’s about thinking about who is compatible with what you want and who you are. For example, you might want to meet someone who wants kids or doesn’t want kids. You might be looking for someone who understands a particular part of your life or yourself, or you might want someone who shares one of your desires or traits. Keep those things in mind when you date and think about the things you are unwilling to sacrifice. Maybe, you let something slide before in a partnership that you wouldn’t let slide now. It’s important don’t let red flags slide, and it’s important, to be honest with yourself. When you start dating, move things along appropriately, and make sure that you bring people into your life who make you feel respected.
How can I move on instantly?
It is not ideal to try to move on instantly or without processing your feelings. You might end up bringing negative emotions into a new relationship or entering a new relationship before you’re over your ex, which could negatively impact a new relationship. Instead of moving on immediately, work on moving on healthily. Please don’t act as though nothing is bothering you when it is. Feeling your feelings doesn’t mean wallowing, and it’s about acknowledgment rather than judgment. Let yourself experience your emotions, care for yourself, nurture your life and goals, and don’t be afraid to seek a professional's support. Once you’re ready to start going on dates, move at a steady pace, and make sure you’re using all of the necessary safety precautions for dating, whether you’re meeting people in person or online. Dating can be a lot of fun, and it doesn’t need to be wildly serious from the get-go. Keep your worth in mind and put your effort into being your best self - not just for a future relationship, but for yourself and the rest of your life, too.
What are the 5 stages of break up?
The end of a relationship is most certainly a form of grief, so that it may come as no surprise, but the five stages of a breakup are the same five stages as the stages of grieving. The five stages of a breakup are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Can you stop loving someone if you truly loved them?
It is possible to fall out of love or to stop loving someone. If it’s been a long time since the breakup and you’re still searching for ways to move on, it’s understandable that this might feel far away. This is when speaking to a counselor or therapist has the potential to be a real game-changer. It’s not a matter of snapping your fingers and pretending as though the feelings aren’t there; it’s a matter of processing and working toward healing. Feelings of love aren’t something we have a lot of control over, but our actions and efforts toward self-compassion and emotional processing are. Especially when it comes to toxic relationships, there might be additional pieces to process, and having support can make a world of difference. You don’t have to go through this alone, and you will move on in time.
Why is letting go so hard?
Letting go is often hard for a number of reasons. If you were together for a substantial amount of time, this person was a part of your daily life, and regardless of the length of the connection, this person was special to you. It might’ve felt like they were the one, or it might’ve felt like what you had together was irreplaceable.
How do you heal a broken heart?
There are steps to moving on the process once a relationship ends. You may notice that you go through the five stages of a breakup listed above, and you might go back and forth in between those stages, too. The healing process is not linear. It’ll look a little bit different for everyone depending on a number of factors such as the length of your relationship, whether it was a long-distance relationship or one where you lived together, any potential trauma from the relationship, and so on. If you were living with your partner, you might have to move homes, where if you lived separately or were long distance, you may not, and you may or may not have to speak to each other depending on if you have kids together. A broken heart is a broken heart, and once the tangible aspects are out of the way, it’s time to feel your feelings, make sure that you’re taking care of yourself, your living space, and so on, and nurture all aspects of your own life, including your friendships, your goals, and the things that bring you joy.
