How Often Should You Text A Girl You Like?

By Nate Miller|Updated June 21, 2022

Dating can be hard. Navigating social situations, in general, is complex enough for a lot of people. When you start liking the person, think you might, or want to start having more conversations to see if you do, it can get even more complicated.

For most human social interactions, there are well-known guidelines to curb bad behavior and encourage good behavior; don’t be rude, don’t just talk about yourself, ask about the other person, actively listen, and so on. Unfortunately, as technology has advanced, the rules guiding social norms have had a hard time keeping up even as our methods and communication styles have rapidly transformed. Texting is an excellent example of this. More and more people rely on texting as their primary communication method, even with friends and family members. Sure, we still spend plenty of time in each other’s company, but on a day-to-day basis, the bulk of our exchanges for many of us will be occasional text messages, social media interactions, or video clips.

What are the rules around texting? What’s an appropriate amount or length? What’s an acceptable topic, and how do all of these things change over time? Especially when it comes to someone you like romantically? Everyone’s a little bit different, but this article should help you feel more confident in texting and give you some general guiding principles to follow.

First, Accept Texting As A Necessary (And Valuable) Skill

Like it or not, texting isn’t going anywhere, and increasingly, it’s the first mode of communication that many people use with their friends and family. People have gotten comfortable learning about each other this way. It’s convenient, efficient, and most people use text messages to communicate.

It also gives you more time to respond. Real-time communications require responses immediately, and it’s harder to be funny, thoughtful, or even calm when you have to respond right away. Texting gives you that space to think about what the other person said and respond when you are ready.

It’s not unreasonable to expect that texting could be a big part of getting to know someone, especially with the pandemic underway. That means there are major benefits to being good at it. Being open to romance through texts gives you more avenues for connecting with someone new. That also means that being closed off to texting can shut the door to growing the relationship without realizing it.

Learning to be good at texting can be important also because of how limited the medium is. Whichever way you slice the numbers, experts agree that the majority of human communication is nonverbal, and texting leaves out things like body language cues or tone, which typically carry some of the weight of a conversation face-to-face.

Finally, texting isn’t just for easy chatting while you get to know each other. There can be indicators of how the relationship will be with that person long-term if you are attentive. Do they like to be in constant contact, or are they okay with some distance? What types of things do they share with you, and how often? You don’t want to overthink things, but some reflection can reveal encouraging signals or help you spot red flags before they become worse.

One way you can improve your chances with women is by managing how often you text a girl you like. When it’s appropriate to reach out and appropriate to allow some space, some general advice can go a long way in reducing stress and maintaining a healthy connection. As with any guidelines, there are exceptions, but overall, these tips should be helpful for your texting.

General Principles For Texting

Before we talk about when and how to stay in touch with someone you are developing feelings for, we should talk about what you should not expect from this article. This is not a “to-do” list about how to text with someone that “guarantees” everything going perfectly.

Talking with other people is complicated, and relationships often are even more so. Anyone who claims to have the foolproof method for relationships is either making it up or has developed a superficial way of interacting with people that minimizes the potential depth you can achieve. Also, you can’t control another person’s behavior or feelings.

This means that, in the context of this article, you will learn tips for how to communicate; there are no guarantees about what that will produce in your relationship with the person you like. However, it may increase the chances that you act with kind consideration for both yourself and the other person and communicate in a way that conveys your feelings responsibly.

All in all, remember that everyone has different texting habits, that it’s better to clarify than it is to assume when you aren’t sure what’s going on or what to think, and that some conversations are best reserved for a voice or video call, or in person.

Set Your Standards And Hold To Them

As with any social interaction, it can help you clarify what feels right for you and what doesn’t when it comes to a romantic interest. Boundaries are important, and in dating, your feelings are going to be exposed to potential harm. Love is vulnerable. Setting your boundaries ahead of time can save you a lot of trouble. Boundaries aren’t always necessarily something you set with other people, either; you can set boundaries with yourself, and in this context, that could be a helpful move to make.

When you are thinking about texting, how often do you want to be in touch with someone you like? What do you want to hear from a potential partner? What do you consider to be polite, and what’s off-limits? Overall, how do you want to be treated? Are there things you’re okay with that others might not be? These questions can help guide you, and if a person you’re texting does something you aren’t comfortable with, it’s commendable to let them know and can help set the tone for the rest of the relationship, letting them know that boundaries and communication are important.

Texting with someone you like should become a safe space for you to share your thoughts, hopes, and dreams. It will take time to get there but being clear on your expectations long-term will help you make sure that you don’t spend time and energy tolerating a texting relationship that doesn’t work for you.

Avoiding Negative Thought Spirals

Having that clarity of mind about what you want and being clear about it is a large part of what it takes to communicate effectively. One of the biggest reasons people struggle with texting, the reason we make mistakes and end up saying things we don’t mean, isn’t because we did a bad job of having a schedule. It’s because when things started going badly, we started having all sorts of negative thoughts.

When things go wrong, it’s common to start placing blame on yourself. For example, if someone doesn’t respond to your text message, you may start having all sorts of negative reactions: “This must be because she doesn’t like me. Maybe, she found someone else. Did I offend her with the last thing I said?”

The problem with all of these thoughts is that you are trying to go someplace you can’t go, which is into the mind of another person. Then, even though you can never get into that place, you start worrying about what you should do to change it: “If she doesn’t like me, I have to work to change that. If I offended her, I need to do whatever’s necessary to fix that.” This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t care if you offend others. It’s to say that it isn’t fair to you or the other person to create scenarios in your head. It’s a two-way street; you both have to communicate to know what the other is thinking, and making assumptions helps no one.

Try To Avoid Being Judgmental

This one is straightforward and will benefit you as well as the other person. Part of getting to know someone requires taking chances. You don’t know how every observation, comment, or joke is going to be received. Some are going to fall flat; some may even get a bad reaction. We all face this fear when we talk to other people.

This also goes for response time. Some people take longer to reply than others would, and there are a lot of possible reasons for this. If their responses are enthusiastic and show interest, trust that rather than how fast they text. Also, understand that it’s okay to ask for clarification over text.

Doing your best to create a judgment-free communication channel can go a long way towards facilitating strong relationship development.

Healthy Motivations Lead To Healthy Interactions

A good idea to keep in mind when texting a girl you like is: why are you doing it? Our thoughts and feelings are complicated, and any given action can have multiple competing thoughts involved. Nevertheless, the clearer you can be on why you are doing something, or at least that you are doing it for good reasons, the better.

For example, if you are texting someone because you miss them, because there is a great story you wanted to share, or even because you want their opinion on something, these and similar things are good reasons. They show that you care about a person and give you the authentic opportunity to connect. You don’t have to overthink it too much; have positive intent and don’t hesitate to check in and see if you’re on the same page if needed.

If you’re upset or need to have a serious conversation, it might be best to cool off first and ask to communicate in a different way. A lot of people prefer face-to-face for this kind of scenario, but there are situations where a video chat session or phone call may have to suffice.

Tips For How Often To Text A Woman You Like

Now that we’ve established some guidelines for approaching texting with a girl you like in general, we can talk about when you should do it and when you should not! Some of these examples are tied to specific events or stages in your relationship. Some of these examples are tied to behaviors that you see from her. Either way, they should help you decide whether or not to hit “send.”

Times It’s Fine To Text A Woman You Like

  • You just went on a date together, and you’re excited to tell her you had a good time.
  • It sounds like she’s into texting or being in touch a lot, and you are too.
  • Something you saw/read/heard made you think of her, and you wanted to share.
  • It feels like it’s been a while, and you wanted to start a conversation.
  • Picking up a previous conversation (bonus, shows you listen/pay attention!).
  • Small, harmless questions.
  • You’re trying to set up the 2nd/3rd/whatever number date.

Times You May Want To Avoid Texting

  • She’s upset with you, and it’s best to give her some space/she’s not talking to you.
  • It’s late at night (this may vary based on a person's schedule and other factors - for example, some people have their sound off at night and welcome texts at any hour, so use your best judgment and don’t be afraid to ask) .
  • You already sent a text, and she hasn’t responded yet (e.g., don’t spam until you get an answer!).
  • You’re bored and want something to do but have no intentions of pursuing a connection of any kind.
  • The person told you they’re not interested.
  • She hasn’t been responding to your texts for some time (days, weeks). Ghosting is real, and sometimes, silence is an acceptable answer.

None of these rules are ironclad, and they are going to depend on the person and circumstances. In the end, if you are still wondering how much you can and can’t text, it’s okay to ask! Despite its prevalence, texting is still a fairly new kind of contact. The rules are not clearly defined and can vary wildly from person to person. Even with all the guidelines here, some of the best guidance you will get is from the person you want to talk to.

Ask the person you’re interested in how they feel about lots of texts or what they think is too much/too little. This may seem like a forward question, but it makes sense for a couple of reasons. You are trying to get to know this person better and knowing how they feel about texting is part of that. Two, they may like you asked! Checking in is attractive, and it’s often seen as a good sign. It’s a lot easier to tell someone what you want or ask what they want instead of attempting to figure it out through trial and error. Note that none of this is to suggest that you should play hard to get; it’s more about respecting that you don’t know what’s going on for the other person when they receive a text and not pressuring them.

Figuring Out How Often To Text A Woman You Like

Being a competent communicator is a skill. This is especially true when it comes to dating. Most everyone grapples with knowing what to say and how to say it at some point or another. As technology has advanced and our rules for managing interactions have failed to keep up, understanding when and how to text has become challenging and highly sought after. But, once you get to know someone well enough, this will hopefully start to dissipate. If it doesn’t, a mental health professional might be able to support you and help you find a solution.

Get Support Online

Need help with romance and dating? What about something else that’s on your mind?

Sometimes, having a professional listen to your thoughts and feelings or help you make a responsible decision is invaluable. The experts at ReGain are ready to help you navigate communicating with someone you are starting to like. Or, if you’re in an existing relationship, the licensed counselors and therapists on the platform can help with communication and any other concerns that might arise.

Overall, if you enter communication with healthy intentions, boundaries, and a genuine appreciation for the other person, you are off to a great start. There’s never any harm in asking for help, so don’t hesitate to reach out.

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