How Often Should You Text A Girl You Like?
By Nate Miller
Updated February 12, 2020
Dating is hard. Navigating social situations, in general, is complicated enough. When you start liking the person, or think you might, or want to start having more conversations to see if you do? It can get a lot more complicated fast.
For most of human social interactions, there are well-known guidelines to curb bad behavior and encourage good behavior. Don't be rude, don't just talk about yourself, do ask about the other person, etc. Unfortunately, as technology has advanced, the rules guiding social norms have had a hard time keeping up even as our methods and styles of communications have rapidly transformed.
Texting is a great example of this. More and more people rely on texting as their primary method of communication, even with friends and family members. Sure, we still spend plenty of time in each other's company, but on a day-to-day basis, the bulk of our exchanges will be occasional messages.
What are the rules around texting? What's an appropriate amount or length? What's an acceptable topic, and how do all of these things change over time? One of the most common questions out there on this is, how often should you text a girl you like?
This article will help you set some guidelines for texting, some general principles to follow, and overall try to give you some peace of mind as you navigate the dating wilderness.
First, Accept Texting As A Necessary (And Valuable) Skill
Like it or not, texting isn't going anywhere, and increasingly, it's the first mode of communication people use with their friends and family. People have gotten comfortable learning about each other this way. It's convenient, efficient, and everyone does it.
It also gives you more time to respond. Real-time communications require responses immediately, and it's harder to be funny, thoughtful, or even calm when you have to respond right away. Texting gives you that space to think about what the other person said and respond when you are ready.
You should expect texting to be a big part of getting to know someone. That means there are major benefits to being good at it. Being open to romance through texts gives you more avenues for connecting with someone new. That also means that being closed off to texting can shut the door to growing the relationship without realizing it.
Learning to be good at texting can be really important also because of how limited the medium is. Whichever way you slice the numbers, experts agree that the majority of human communication is nonverbal, leaving less than 50% of communication for the words themselves. When you are texting, then, there's a lot of your message that isn't coming through, so being clear and careful can be even more important.
Finally, texting isn't just for easy chatting while you get to know each other. There can be indicators of how the relationship will be with that person long-term if you are attentive. Does she like to be in constant contact, or is she ok with some distance? What types of things does she share with you, how often? You don't want to overthink things, but some reflection here can reveal encouraging signals, or help you spot red flags before they become worse.
One of the ways you can improve your chances with women is by managing how often you text a girl you like. Some general advice for when it's appropriate to reach out and when it's appropriate to allow some space can go a long way in reducing stress and maintaining a healthy connection. As with any guidelines, there are exceptions, but overall these tips should be helpful for your texting.
General Principles For Texting Women
Before we get into talking about when and how to stay in touch with someone you are developing feelings for, we should talk about what you should not expect from this article. This is not a "to-do" list about how to text with someone that "guarantees" everything going perfectly.
Talking with other people is complicated, and relationships even more so. Anyone who claims to have the foolproof method for relationships is either making it up or has developed a superficial way of interacting with people that minimizes the potential depth you can achieve.
What this means is, in the context of this article, you are going to learn guidelines and tips for how to communicate. There are no guarantees about what that will produce in your relationship with the girl you like. But it will increase the chances that you act with kind consideration for both yourself and the other person, and communicate in a way that conveys your feelings responsibly.
Set Your Standards And Hold To Them
As with any social interactions, it can be helpful when you are clear about what feels good for you and what doesn't. Boundaries are important, and in dating, your feelings are going to be exposed to potential harm. Setting your boundaries ahead of time can save you a lot of trouble.
When you are thinking about texting, how often do you want to be in touch with someone you like? What do you want to hear from a potential partner? What do you consider to be polite, and what's off-limits? Overall, how do you want to be treated, and what would you like to have been acceptable?
Texting with someone you like should become a safe space for you to share your thoughts, hopes, and dreams. It will take time to get there, but being clear on your expectations long term will help you make sure that you don't spend time and energy tolerating a texting relationship that doesn't work for you.
Avoiding Negative Thought Spirals
Having that clarity of mind, about what you want and being clear about it, is a large part of what it takes to communicate effectively. One of the biggest reasons people struggle with texting, the reason we make mistakes and end up saying things we don't mean, isn't because we did a bad job of having a schedule. It's because when things started going badly, we started having all sorts of negative thoughts.
When things go wrong, it's common to start placing blame on yourself. For example, if someone doesn't respond to your text message, you start having all sorts of negative reactions. This must be because she doesn't like me. Maybe she found someone else. Did I offend her with the last thing I said?
The problem with all of these thoughts is, you are trying to go someplace you can't go: into the mind of another person. Then, even though you can never get into that place, you start worrying about what you should do to change it. If she doesn't like me, I have to work to change that. If I offended her, I need to do whatever necessary to fix that.
That's not how things work. Communication is about sharing your thoughts, dreams, and desires. Then the other person gets to decide what they think and how they feel about that, and what they want to do with those thoughts and feelings.
Try To Avoid Being Judgmental
This one is straight forward and will benefit you as well as treat the other person kindly. Part of getting to know someone requires taking chances. You don't know how every observation, comment, or joke is going to be received. Some are going to fall flat; some may even get a bad reaction. We all face this fear when we talk to other people. Doing your best to create a judgment-free communication channel can go a long way towards facilitating strong relationship development.
Healthy Motivations Lead To Healthy Interactions
A good idea to keep in mind when texting a girl you like is, why are you doing it? Yes, our thoughts and feelings are complicated, and any given action can have multiple competing thoughts involved. Nevertheless, the clearer you can be on why you are doing something, or at least that you are doing it for good reasons, the better.
For example, if you are texting a girl because you miss them, because there is a great story you wanted to share, or even because you want their opinion on something, these and similar things are good reasons. They are motivated by you to care about her and what she thinks and being excited about having more of her in your life.
Alternatively, if you are texting her because you are bored or feeling like you don't have enough attention or because you think there's some seductive timeline you are trying to hit, then it may be best to not text. Those are motivations that may lead to you ignoring her feelings, or even starting a conversation where she feels like you are boring or manipulative. Those are not ideas you want to be attached to you!
Tips For How Often To Text A Girl You Like
Now that we've established some guidelines for approaching texting with a girl you like in general, we can talk about when you should do it, and when you should not! Some of these examples are tied to specific events or stages in your relationship. Some of these examples are tied to behaviors that you see from her. Either way, they should help you decide whether or not to hit 'send.'
Times It's Fine To Text A Girl You Like
- You just went on a date together, and you're excited to tell her you had a good time
- It sounds like she's into texting or being in touch a lot, and you are too
- Something you saw/read/heard made you think of her, and you wanted to share
- It feels like it's been a while, and you wanted to start a conversation
- Picking up a previous conversation (bonus, shows you listen/pay attention!)
- Small, harmless questions
- You're trying to set up the 2nd/3rd/whatever number date
Times You May Want To Avoid Texting
- She's upset with you, and it's best to give her some space/she's not talking to you
- It's late at night/you know she's probably busy
- You already sent a text, and she hasn't responded yet (e.g., don't spam until you get an answer!)
- You're bored and want something to do
- She hasn't been responding to your texts (ghosting is real, sometimes silence is the answer)
None of these rules are ironclad, and they are going to depend on the person. In the end, if you are still wondering how much you can and can't text, it's ok to ask! Despite its prevalence, texting is still a fairly new version of communication. The rules are not clearly defined and can vary wildly from person to person. Even with all the guidelines here, some of the best guidance you will get is from the person you want to talk to.
Ask her how she feels about lots of texts, or what she thinks is too much/too little. This may seem like a forward question, but it makes sense for a couple of reasons. One, you are trying to get to know this person better, and knowing how they feel about texting is part of that. Two, they may like you asked! It's a lot easier to tell someone what you want than figure it out through trial and error.
Figuring Out How Often To Text A Girl You Like
Being a competent communicator is a skill. This is especially true when it comes to dating. Everyone struggles with knowing what to say and how to say it. As technology has advanced and our rules for managing interactions have failed to keep up, understanding when and how to text has become challenging and highly sought after.
If there is a girl you like, knowing how often to text can make or break a budding relationship. There are undoubtedly lots of feelings that can lead to rash decisions, and sometimes having a professional listen to your thoughts and feelings and help you make a responsible decision is invaluable. The experts at ReGain are ready to help you navigate communicating with someone you are starting to like.
Overall, if you enter the communication with healthy intentions, good boundaries, and a genuine appreciation for the other person, you are off to a great start. As long as you follow the tips in this article about when to text with a girl you like, you are more likely to succeed at developing a healthy connection that you both enjoy.