How To Get The Spark Back When You Think Your Husband Doesn't Find You Attractive

Updated April 5, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

In all relationships, the honeymoon phase eventually comes to an end. Just as you both have to leave your honeymoon destination and get back to your everyday lives, so your feelings for your partner can ebb and flow over time. There may be days when it’s all sunshine and roses, when you feel overwhelmed by your love for them, and other days when you feel like the spark just isn’t there anymore. These feelings don’t have signal the doom of your relationship; instead, they may just give you an opportunity to work together to recapture that spark and fall in love with each other all over again. If you feel like your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore, there are a few helpful things to consider trying to help restore the passion in your marriage, which we’ll be exploring in this article. 

Wondering how to get the spark back in your marriage?

Perception vs. reality

Perception and reality are often two different things. Although your feelings are valid, just because you feel a certain way or believe something doesn’t mean it’s true. You may be feeling as if your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore, but this may not be the case. Perhaps both of you are busier, more stressed, or have forgotten how to show appreciation for one another. If you both work— and especially if you have kids together—it can be easy to become so tired and overwhelmed that you begin to neglect parts of your marriage. 

So, if it seems like your husband no longer finds you attractive, the truth might simply be that they’re too tired to even think about feelings of attraction. Of course, in some cases, it’s possible that the spark truly has faded. In either case, there are still steps you can take to revitalize the relationship.

Date them again

If you’re feeling like your husband is no longer attracted to you, you can try to reignite their feelings by making an effort in the way you did when you were dating. Everyone who’s married remembers what it felt like in the early days: when you were dating, you were both so excited to see each other that you probably tried to look your best, be your best, and present your most attractive self. After a few years of marriage, it can be easy to get complacent; instead of dressing up, you greet each other on the couch in your sweats after the end of a long and stressful day. 

This happens to many couples, and although it’s natural, it can cause one or both spouses to feel like the spark has been lost. If you want to spice things up, try dating your husband again. Make an effort to look your best and plan a special night for the two of you. Ask questions and get to know each other all over again. What you choose to do can be unique to you and your marriage, but the important thing is that you show them that you care enough to be romantic. Sometimes little gestures like these can work wonders.

Get intimate

If you feel like your husband is no longer attracted to you, it might be because your relationship is experiencing an intimacy deficit. If you’ve stopped making a conscious effort to date each other, it’s possible that your sex life has become less exciting as well. Increasing the amount of intimacy in your marriage may help turn things around for the better. 

However, as you consider spicing things up in the bedroom, it can be important to remember that intimacy isn’t all about sex. At the core, intimacy is about your closeness as a couple. It’s about the little things that bring you together— and those things don’t always have to be sexual. For example, showing that you remember little details like your husband’s favorite tv show or takeout order can be a little way of saying, “I know you. I pay attention to the little details about you.” These little things show that you care, and they may lead to unexpected moments of tenderness like a passionate kiss or a long, warm hug. These moments can strengthen your connection to each other and may also put you in the mood to get more intimate sexually.

Get creative in the bedroom

If you do want to take things to the next level in the bedroom, it may help to get creative. Remember that you can bring sexy back before you ever even get to the bedroom. For example, you can turn an ordinary moment into something naughty and exciting by sending your husband a racy text or inviting them to take a shower with you when they don’t expect it. Sending them sexy pictures while they’re at work is another option (if appropriate.) The way you go about doing this can vary widely based on your relationship and its specific needs and issues. You know what is best for your relationship - so trust your gut.

Surprise them

The elements of surprise and mystery can be used to your advantage. Anything you can do to bring excitement back into your relationship could be worth trying. There are many ways you can surprise your husband and switch up the normal routine of your marriage. For example, you can choose to do it with gifts by buying tickets to their favorite ballgame or purchasing them a gift that they mentioned recently. Or you could greet them at home after work wearing nothing but a smile. You might also wake your husband up in the morning with breakfast in bed and a cup of their favorite coffee. Each of these small surprises can add more excitement and spark to your marriage. 

Do something they enjoy

When you are married, it can be important to spend time together doing activities that you each enjoy. However, it’s possible that you and your husband have vastly different interests. For example, maybe you’re a paintball kind of person and they prefer to garden or read. If you prefer action-packed activities that get your adrenaline going, you might never choose to sit quietly and read.

Give and take can be crucial for any relationship to be successful. So, it can be important that both of you make the time to encourage and support each other’s interests. Although a certain activity may not quite be up your alley, if it could make your husband happy, you may consider engaging in it with them anyway. If this isn’t something you usually do, your husband might be pleasantly surprised when you make a conscious effort to be part of their world and enjoy their favorite hobby with them. Whether you’re trying to reconnect in the bedroom or engage with your husband’s favorite hobby, it may not be so much about the activity itself but rather about the intimacy and effort. When you go out of your way to connect with your husband— no matter the activity— what you’re really saying is, “You matter to me.”

Reconnecting sexually can be important and healthy but feeling that you matter to your partner can also be powerful. And as you reconnect with your husband, you may find that physical attraction wasn’t what was missing from the relationship. Instead, maybe you were missing that spark of emotional connection— that flicker of love in your heart that makes you say, “I never want to be without this person!” So, as you make a conscious effort to reconnect with your husband, concentrate on making them feel that way again and again. You know them best, so you know what they may appreciate most.

Wondering how to get the spark back in your marriage?

Online counseling with Regain

If you’ve tried everything and still can’t get the spark back in your marriage, it could be beneficial to involve a professional in the process. When you connect with a therapist through Regain, you can seek couples therapy with your partner outside of normal business hours from anywhere you have an internet connection. This can be helpful for couples with busy schedules or demanding careers. Connecting with an online marriage counselor can give you and your husband the opportunity to unpack your feelings, develop healthy coping strategies, and build a strong and healthy foundation in your marriage. 

The efficacy of online counseling 

Online counseling can be beneficial for those couples experiencing issues with connection and intimacy in their relationship. In one study, researchers assessed the efficacy of a web-based intervention for reducing relationship distress. They found that couples participating in the intervention experienced improved communication, better problem-solving skills, and enhanced relationship positives. Couples also benefitted individually with many having fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression. These results stayed intact up to 10 months after the intervention. 

Counselor reviews

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”


In many cases, small romantic gestures that make your husband feel special can be more than enough to rekindle the spark. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, it won’t be enough. So, if you’ve tried everything and you still feel like it isn’t helping, it may be time to seek help. Connecting with a licensed online therapist could be the next step to improving your marriage, despite the obstacles you’re facing. A Regain therapist can provide inspiration for bringing the spark back into your marriage and work with you and your partner to make the relationship as strong as it can be. 

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