How To Get The Spark Back When You See Signs Your Husband Doesn't Find You Attractive

Updated February 07, 2020

Medically Reviewed By: Dawn Brown

The passing of time is often unkind to relationships. The longer you are with the same person, you may find your attraction to be lower or less fulfilling. Over time, feelings could change due to the bore of routine or taking someone for granted. This can be a hard pill to swallow for some couples, especially if they still love each other in spite of this.

If you are seeing signs your husband doesn't find you attractive, there is no need to fear. No matter how far gone you feel your relationship is, there are many ways you can get the spark back.


Examine Perception Vs. Reality

Believe it or not, what you are going through is quite normal. When we hit a slump in a marriage, we might assume that it is all our faults. If we feel rejected by our partner, we tend to blame ourselves and think 'I'm not good enough." Sometimes these thoughts are so deep in our subconscious that we don't even realize that we are dealing with issues of self-worth.

It's important to remember that feelings do not equal reality. Unless your partner has outright told you that he doesn't find you attractive, this may not be the truth. Take Tanya's story as an example.

Tanya's Story Of Rejection

Tanya has been married to her husband, Charles, for 12 years. They have two boys who are 7 and 9. Tanya and Charles met in high school and got married right after graduation. Things were great for a decade, but for the past year or so, Tanya has been feeling neglected.

It started with small things. Charles started working more and initiated sex less often. Even when Tanya tried to spice things up in the bedroom, Charles would make excuses. When she tried to talk to him about her feelings, he changed the subject.

It wasn't long before Tanya started to feel unwanted, unloved, and unattractive. She became resentful as well. Tanya stopped doing things that she knew Charles liked, such as cooking his favorite meals or going fishing with him on Sunday afternoons. She poured herself into their sons and a part-time job at the library. It was there that she met John.

John was a single father who brought his eight-year-old daughter to the library often. What started as harmless flirting led to a full-blown affair. Tanya felt little remorse; after all, she was certain her husband was cheating as well. It felt good to be wanted again.

Reality Check

Six months into their fling, Tanya asked Charles for a divorce. He was shocked and begged her to go to counseling with him. Reluctantly, she agreed. During their therapy sessions, Charles and Tanya both came clean about their behavior. As it turned out, Charles wasn't having an affair. However, he was dealing with clinical depression. This had led to weight gain that affected his ability to perform in the bedroom. What Tanya thought was a slight against her was something Charles was too embarrassed to share. At this point, the damage was done, and the couple moved forward with their divorce. Still, their story serves as a warning against jumping to conclusions.

You must talk when you see signs that your husband doesn't find you attractive. If this doesn't help, find a mediator. Doing so may mean the difference between a successful or failed marriage.


Get Dressed Up

If you see signs, your husband doesn't find you attractive, spruce yourself up a little to grab his attention. Whether we like it or not, most men are visual creatures. Your husband certainly loves you for who you are, but being your 'best self' never hurts.

The object of this solution is to demand his attention. Put on his favorite dress and some red lipstick. Do your hair up nice and pretty, just the way he likes it. Then, when he gets home from work, make sure he sees you. Ask if he would like to join you for dinner or a night out on the town. When he sees you all dolled up for him, he won't be able to resist.

This isn't to say that you always must be put together for your husband to be attracted to you. We all have our lazy days where we don't do a thing. The point is to remind him what a knock-out you are as a wife. Sometimes, if it's been too long since he's seen you at your best, he may forget what that looks like. You are just here to remind him of that.

Spice Things Up In The Bedroom

Boring sex is one of the quickest ways to get signs your husband doesn't find your attractive. Men are very physical and while they don't bore easily, too much routine when it comes to the bedroom is not something they fare well with. Some women may be offended by this statement, but the stats on affairs point to the fact that like it or not, many men step out when their sex lives at home are not up to par.

The quickest way to get the spark back if this is the case is to spice things up. Consider investing in some new, sexy lingerie. You might also buy a new toy or game from an adult store. The way you choose to go about it isn't important. The goal here is to switch things up in the bedroom so that he can be excited about your sex life once again. This doesn't mean changing who you are-try to enhance what you already enjoy.

There is nothing wrong with being comfortable where you are in your sex life. Just because you need a little extra oomph from time to time doesn't mean you have to change everything. Even a minor tweak in the routine every once in a while is typically enough to keep your husband on his toes. He will look forward to the spontaneity in your sex life, which will bring about a renewed attraction to you.

Get Creative

Sometimes when you are dealing with the signs your husband doesn't find you attractive, you need to get creative. Depending on your individual needs, this could mean many things.


You could try sending a naughty text or inviting him to take a shower with you. Sending him racy pictures while he's at work is another option. The way you go about doing this will vary widely based on your relationship and its specific needs and issues. You know what is best for your relationship - so trust your gut.

Adding in this element of excitement to your relationship should renew your husband's attraction for you. This will also help the two of you to build something new and probably better than before. By the time everything is all said and done, you may be grateful for these issues you are dealing with. After all, they could bring on a better relationship than you could have imagined!

Stay Positive

Too often, we berate our husbands for not doing something. It is tempting to hold him accountable for the way he makes you feel.

No matter how tempted you are, you must refrain from chastising or lecturing your husband. At the end of the day, he is a grown adult. He needs a wife, not a mother. Furthermore, if you are constantly being negative and berating him, that surely won't solve your problems. It may offer you some relief in the short-term, but the long-term effects of this behavior are not desirable.

Instead, affirm your husband. Every time he does something positive in your relationship, call attention to it. Make sure your husband knows what you like and when he is making you happy. With time, he will pick up on these cues and is likely to make changes to solicit a good response from you more often.

Surprise Him

The element of surprise and mystery is a great thing to use to your advantage. Anything you can do to bring excitement back into your relationship is something you should try.

There are many ways you can surprise him. You can choose to do it with gifts by buying him tickets to his favorite ballgame or purchasing him a gift that he has mentioned recently. These would be the concrete, tangible options.

Some options aren't so tangible but are valuable, nonetheless. Consider greeting him at home after work with nothing on but a smile. You might also wake him up in the morning with breakfast in bed and cup of his favorite coffee.

Surprising your husband will make him feel valued and loved. All too frequently, a man's need to feel secure and loved is overlooked. This is due in part to the characterization of masculinity. Additionally, we may do everything we can to make our husbands feel secure as a result. Remember the importance of making sure your husband knows you love and care for him. If he ever gets to the point where he doesn't believe that, your relationship will suffer further damage.

Exude Confidence

If you can't stop thinking, "My husband isn't attracted to me," you could get his attention back by exuding confidence.

For many men, confidence is one of the sexiest things on a woman. No matter how down you feel or how low your self-esteem is, exude confidence anyways. No one will know that you are faking it. If you fake it long enough, it might become a habit, which would benefit you in many ways.

Specifically, for your husband, the confidence you exude will attract him to you. Especially if you are normally ultra-critical of yourself, the change in pace will force him to look up and pay attention to you.

Do Something He Enjoys Together


When you are married, it is important to spend time together doing activities that your partner likes. Even if it's not your cup of tea, it's still a good idea to try to share in something your partner is passionate about.

If your husband is into playing basketball, throw around a ball together. Additionally, you might go golfing or take a ride off-road in his truck. The only thing that you must make sure is that your husband is picking the activity. This is meant to be a time where the two of you can bond and work on your relationship. If someone is not on the same page and there is no end in sight, you can always talk about it in the car on the way to where you're going

Confidence isn't always something that we all have. It all depends on many circumstances, such as how you were treated as a child and how your adult life has gone so far. Even if you don't have the confidence, you can pretend. Your husband won't mind, and the rest of the word doesn't matter.

Notice The Little Things

Even if you are seeing the signs that your husband doesn't find you attractive, you may be overanalyzing. Try to get some more perspective before you are so hard on him.

Maybe you are constantly upset and nagging because your husband isn't contributing to home, but he always pays all the bills. If you think about it, he is helping in a sense because the house wouldn't be in such good shape without the money.

When To Get Help

If, even after trying everything, you are still thinking, "My husband isn't attracted to me," it is time to seek help.

Some assistance from a licensed counselor or therapist from ReGain would be a great option for you. The best thing about Regain is its accessibility. Regain is an online mental health care provider. They are available at any time of the day or night, and anywhere there is an internet connection. This makes their platform the most easily accessible way to get the help that you need.

There is no need to stress about the signs your husband doesn't find you attracted any longer. With the right interventions and possibly some professional help, you can get on the right path today.

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