How To Get The Spark Back When You Think Your Husband Doesn't Find You Attractive
The sad truth of relationships is that the honeymoon phase always comes to an end.
Just as you both have to leave your literal honeymoon destination and get back to your everyday lives, so your feelings for your partner can ebb and flow over time. There will be days when it’s all sunshine and roses, when you feel overwhelmed by your love for him, and days when you feel like the spark just isn’t there anymore.
The good news is that these feelings don’t signal the doom of your relationship! Instead, it just means that you might have to work together to recapture that spark and fall in love with each other all over again. So, if you feel like your husband doesn’t find you attractive any more, there are a few helpful things you can remember.
For starters, perception and reality are often two different things. Just because you feel that way doesn’t mean it’s true! And in moments like these, it’s nice when your feelings are proved wrong! Both of you can easily get caught up in the chaos of your daily lives. If you both work— and especially if you have kids together— it’s easy to get so busy, tired, and overwhelmed that you forget how to appreciate each other.
So, if it seems like your husband no longer finds you attractive, the truth might simply be that he’s too tired to even think about feelings of attraction! Likewise, in some cases, it’s possible that the spark truly has faded a bit. Thankfully, in either case, there are things you can do to revitalize the relationship.
Date Him Again
When you talk about rekindling the spark in a relationship, many advice columns aim their tips at heterosexual readers. But the truth is that so many tips are universal, regardless of your sexual orientation! So, if you’re feeling like your husband is no longer attracted to you, you can try to reignite his feelings by making an effort in the way you did when you were dating!
Everyone who’s married remembers what it felt like in the early days: when you were dating, you were both so excited to see each other that you probably made an effort to look your best, be your best, and present your most attractive self. But after a few years of marriage, it’s easy to get complacent; instead of dressing up, you greet each other on the couch in your sweats after the end of a long and stressful day.
This happens to every couple, and it’s completely normal! But sometimes, as a result, it’s easy to fall into a marriage rut if you think, "Why is my husband not attracted to me." So, if you want to spice things up and reignite your spark, try dating him again! Make an effort to look your best and plan a special night for the two of you. What you do will be unique to you and your marriage, but the important thing is that you show him that you care enough to be romantic. Sometimes little gestures like these are exactly what the doctor ordered!
If you feel like your husband is no longer attracted to you, or if you're not sexually attracted to husband, it might be because your relationship is experiencing an intimacy deficit. If you’ve stopped making a conscious effort to date each other, it’s possible that your sex life has become less exciting as well.
However, as you consider spicing things up in the bedroom, it’s important to remember that intimacy isn’t all about sex. At the core, intimacy is about your closeness as a couple. It’s about the little things that bring you together— and those things don’t always have to be sexual! For example, showing that you remember little details like your husband’s favorite tv show or takeout order is a little way of saying, “I know you. I pay attention to the little details about you.”
These little things show that you care and they may lead to unexpected moments of tenderness like a passionate kiss or a long, warm hug. These moments will strengthen your connection to each other and may also put you in the mood to get more intimate sexually.
If you do want to take things to the next level in the bedroom, it never hurts to get creative! But remember that you can bring sexy back before you ever even get to the bedroom! For example, you can turn an ordinary moment into something naughty and exciting by sending him a racy text or inviting him to take a shower with you when he doesn’t expect it. Sending him sexy pictures while he's at work is another option. The way you go about doing this will vary widely based on your relationship and its specific needs and issues. You know what is best for your relationship - so trust your gut.
The element of surprise and mystery is a great thing to use to your advantage. Anything you can do to bring excitement back into your relationship is something you should try.
There are many different ways you can surprise him. For example, you can choose to do it with gifts by buying tickets to his favorite ballgame or purchasing him a gift that he has mentioned recently. Or you could greet him at home after work wearing nothing but a smile. You might also wake him up in the morning with breakfast in bed and a cup of his favorite coffee.
Do Something He Enjoys Together
When you are married, it is important to spend time together doing activities that your partner likes. Opposites often attract, so it’s possible that you and your husband may have vastly different interests. For example, maybe you’re a paintball kind of guy and he prefers to garden or read. If you prefer action-packed activities that get your adrenaline going, you might never choose to sit quietly and read.
But give and take is crucial for any relationship to be successful. So, both of you should make time to encourage and support each other’s interests. If this isn’t something you usually do, your husband might be pleasantly surprised when you make a conscious effort to be part of his world and enjoy his favorite hobby with him.
As you can see from these examples, whether you’re trying to reconnect in the bedroom or engage with your husband’s favorite hobby, it’s really not about the activity. Instead, it’s about intimacy and effort. When you go out of your way to connect with your husband— no matter the activity— what you’re really saying is, “You matter to me.”
Reconnecting sexually is healthy and great, but feeling that you matter to your partner is deeper and much more powerful than simply having sex. And as you reconnect with your husband, you may find that physical attraction wasn’t what was missing from the relationship. Instead, maybe you were missing that spark of emotional connection— that delicious little flicker of love in your heart that makes you say, “I never want to be without this person!”
So, as you make a conscious effort to reconnect with your husband, concentrate on making him feel that way again. You know him best so you know what he will most appreciate.
When To Get Help
In most cases, small romantic gestures that make him feel special will be more than enough to rekindle the spark. But sometimes, despite your best efforts, that just isn’t enough. So, if you’ve tried everything and you still feel like it isn’t helping, it may be time to seek help. Don’t wait before you say, “I’m not attracted to husband either now.”
Marriage counselling is often portrayed as a dramatic moment of failure in popular TV shows. But nothing could be further from the truth! In reality, couples who aren’t struggling at all could also benefit from marriage counseling as a simple way of making the relationship stronger! Everybody can benefit from counseling, no matter what you’re going through.
So, if you decide to seek marriage counseling together, it doesn’t have to be a scary thing and it doesn’t mean your relationship is in trouble.
When you connect with a therapist through ReGain, you can benefit from the fact that your therapist is available outside of traditional business hours as long as you have an internet connection.
It’s never fun to feel like your marriage is struggling but you don’t have to live with this worry forever. Connecting with a licensed marriage counsellor will give you and your husband the opportunity to unpack your feelings, develop healthy coping strategies, and build a strong and healthy marriage.
“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”
“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”