How To Set Yourself Up For Success In Couple's Therapy

When you’re experiencing challenges in your relationship, it’s often helpful to work with a trained couples therapist. However, even the most experienced counselor can’t bridge the gap between you and your partner on their own. They may offer better communication strategies and new ways of looking at the things causing strife between you. But the success of those techniques will most likely depend on how you use them.

Repairing your relationship with couples therapy may require you to be honest about your feelings and willing to acknowledge your own behaviors. You may also need a firm commitment to the difficult and sometimes painful work of changing. If you focus on cooperating with the person you care about to find a solution, you may be able to make relationship therapy work.

What couple’s therapy can and can’t do

Seeing a therapist with your partner can be a great decision if you’re struggling in your relationship. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, more than three-quarters of people who engage in couples therapy say that their relationships improved as a result. 

An experienced therapist can often teach you healthier ways to communicate and help you and your partner better understand each other. They may be able to show you how to discuss difficult emotions in a way that moves you toward a solution rather than reinforcing a sense of resentment or blame. Therapy can help both parties see how their behavior patterns are contributing to the relationship’s troubles.

Yet couples therapy may not help in all situations. If one partner has already mentally given up on the relationship, for example, they may not be willing to do the hard work the process requires. This can cause therapy to fail before it even begins. 

It’s also unlikely for counseling to improve abusive relationships. When one person is behaving in a harmful, controlling, or manipulative fashion, it may not be possible to achieve the kind of mutual trust and respect needed for relationship happiness. 

If your partner is abusive toward you, it may be best to reach out to a resource such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline rather than to a relationship counselor. You can contact them at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or reach out and find helpful information on their website.

Getting the most out of couples counseling

If you’re not in a situation like those described above, there’s a good chance couples counseling could work for you. Here are a few ways you can give your relationship the best odds of success.

Seek therapy proactively

It can be difficult to admit, even to yourself, that you’re having serious relationship problems. As a result, many couples wait a long time before looking for professional help. Some counselors report that clients are unhappy in their relationships for an average of six years before coming to therapy. 

By that point, the original sources of friction in the relationship may have grown much more severe due to repeated arguments, misunderstandings, and resentments. A couple may feel emotionally exhausted and pessimistic after clashing repeatedly over the same issues for years. This can make it much harder to restore a healthy bond.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is doomed if you’ve been putting off therapy. But if you want to stay together, it may be best to begin couples therapy as soon as you recognize that you and your partner are having difficulty connecting. 

That may be easier if you remind yourself that seeking relationship counseling isn’t necessarily an admission of failure. In fact, it can be a sign that you view your bond with your partner as something worth fighting for. Couples who try therapy before they’re in crisis often find that it leaves them better prepared for the stresses they encounter later.

Discuss what you’re hoping to achieve

Any long-term relationship is likely to encounter a wide variety of stressors and strains. But it may be hard to make real progress in couple’s therapy if you try to tackle all of these obstacles at once. And if you change topics frequently, constantly focusing on the most recent annoyances, you may get nowhere.

Instead, it’s often best to identify one or two of the most serious threats to your relationship and concentrate on addressing those first. Having a clear objective can help you:

• Develop a specific plan of action with your therapist
• Identify concrete things to work on between sessions
• Keep track of the progress you’re making
• Avoid wasting time by showing up to therapy with no idea what to talk about

Be honest with your therapist and your partner

Sometimes, the biggest obstacles to a happy relationship can remain unsaid or unknown for years. Identifying the hidden sources of the rift between you and your loved one is often a crucial step in healing. 

Concealing thoughts, emotions, and actions can weaken the trust that the relationship relies on, creating a destructive cycle of distrust and secrecy. At the same time, being dishonest with your therapist can prevent them from understanding the true challenges to your relationship.

Honesty can be a vital part of the process even when you think the truth will hurt your partner. If you’re not willing to let them know when you’re feeling negatively toward them, they may never be able to find better ways of relating to you. Even serious transgressions like infidelity are more likely to destroy a relationship when they’re kept secret. Bringing the painful truth to light might be the only way to move forward.

Work on yourself, not on your partner

When you first sit down with a couples therapist, you may be thinking mainly about all of the things your partner does that make you unhappy. You might hope that the counselor will help the other person see the light and realize that they need to change. 

This attitude can be totally counterproductive to couples therapy. When two people are having difficulties, It’s rare that one person is solely responsible. You may not get anywhere in therapy until you learn to identify and correct your own unhelpful tendencies.

Yes, the other person may need to make some changes as well. You can’t control their behavior, though — only your own. You may have to focus on what you can do to be a better partner and trust them to do the same. 

Even if your partner is doing something genuinely hurtful to you, it may be best to think about how you can communicate your needs more effectively. You could try framing your statements in terms of how you feel, telling the other person what’s going on in your head when they act a certain way. This may keep them from feeling accused or attacked, enabling you to work together on finding a solution.

Commit to the process

Treatment often involves changing long-held patterns of behavior and rethinking deeply-held ideas about love, trust, and relationships. If you want your relationship to come out stronger on the other side, you may need to:

• Attend sessions consistently
• Remain optimistic even when it feels like little progress is being made
• Be mentally present and attentive during sessions
• Do any “homework” your therapist recommends
• Stick with therapy even when it feels frustrating or painful

This kind of determination and commitment may be easier if you remind yourself why your relationship is worth working for. Psychologists report that gratitude toward your partner is a strong predictor of relationship health. You might want to take some time to take note of the things your partner does for you and think about the reasons you’re thankful to have them in your life.

Could online therapy help your relationship?

Couples therapy doesn’t necessarily have to take place in person. If you’re uncomfortable with the idea that others in your community might learn that you’re seeking counseling, you could try engaging in therapy over the Internet, which could increase your sense of secrecy. Online couples therapy may also be helpful for reasons of simple convenience — finding a time when both of you are available can be easier when you can attend therapy from your own home.

There’s good evidence that online couples therapy can be very helpful. Studies of its effectiveness have found that it can work just as well as sessions in a therapist’s office. Couples who try this method report high levels of satisfaction, and many say that they feel a “greater sense of control and comfort” with online counseling.