Five Ways To Manage Co-parenting With A Toxic Ex

Updated April 4, 2023by Regain Editorial Team

Splitting up from an ex is challenging enough; however, this challenge is often exacerbated when children are involved. When two parties split up with one another, they generally have to engage in co-parenting. Certain people can work out amicable arrangements, whereas others have a more difficult time. The nature of the split or breakup can also greatly contribute to how well exes manage to get along with one another following a break-up. 

If you’ve found yourself in a situation where you have to co-parent with a toxic ex, there are certain details and bits of information of which you might want to be cognizant. Following the recommended tips can help ensure the wellbeing of your children and your own mental health.

The Best Interests Of The Children Always Come First

Defending Your Children’s Well-being Is Critical When Co-Parenting

Whenever you’re co-parenting, the best interests of the children always have to come first and foremost. This is something that both parents need to be on board with; however, you cannot control your ex’s actions. Doing your best to ensure that your children are in the best possible position should be your utmost priority in any situation where you’re co-parenting. Keeping your children’s best interests in mind can also help allow you to maintain focus rather than getting lost in the emotions associated with your ex.

Despite the challenges which are bound to come along with interactions involving a toxic ex, under no circumstances should you bad-mouth your ex in front of your children. This is one of the most fundamental principles of successful co-parenting. Your ex may be genuinely infuriating to speak to, but at the end of the day, they are still your children’s other parent. Your children deserve to have a healthy and loving relationship with both of their parents, regardless of anything that may have happened between you and your ex.

Obviously, if your exposes a genuine threat or danger to your children, this changes the situation; however, if your ex’s animosity is limited to how they interact with you, swallowing it and figuring out successful coping strategies are ultimately the best courses of action. 

How To Manage Successful Co-Parenting With A Toxic Ex

You cannot control the actions of your ex; however, you can control how you behave and respond to information. This is what will ultimately allow you to manage the process of co-parenting with your ex, regardless of how toxic they may act. If your ex truly has the best interests of your children at heart, they will likely attempt to control themselves, at least somewhat, when the children are in their presence.

Be Willing To Listen To Your Ex

Believe it or not, listening to your ex can significantly help with co-parenting. Your ex may be a complete pain, but people tend to get act worse when they feel as though they’re not being listened to or rejected. Listening to your ex is not only good for the sake of smoothing out the co-parenting process, but your children may also benefit from seeing their parents behave as amicably as possible with one another. 

Respectfully listening to your ex is a great way of preventing further animosity between the two of you; remember, the best interests of your children must always come first and above all.

Have A Reliable Support System

Co-parenting after a failed relationship is rarely easy, and the process can become exponentially more complicated when your ex happens to be a toxic individual. This is why having a reliable support system in your corner is so important. Whether that support system is comprised of friends, family, or all the above, knowing that your loved ones have your back can make a tremendous difference.

If you’re feeling especially frustrated and want to vent, your adult support system (not your children) are be the best and most appropriate people to which you can turn. The ones who are closest to you can also provide feedback which contributes to gaining a new outlook.

Don’t Try To Compete With Your Ex

Depending on how toxic your ex is, you may find yourself in a situation where you feel like they are trying to compete with you. In many cases, this happens when an ex is still sore over the breakup, resentful about events that may have transpired, or otherwise trying to get back at you for one reason or another. 

As tempting as it may be to engage in this type of situation, it’s best not to do so. Remaining focused on being the best parent for your children and ensuring that they’re in a good place is a much better use of your time. Remember, in competition, it always takes two to tango.

Take Legal Action If Necessary

If co-parenting with a toxic ex reaches a point where you genuinely feel worried about your safety or the safety of your children, do not hesitate to take the proper legal action. Taking notes of problematic occurrences is advisable, as is keeping track of dates and times. Store your notes in multiple safe locations. Things may not get to this point with your toxic ex, but if they do, the ability to legally defend yourself and ensure the safety of your children is paramount. 

Be Cognizant Of Your Ex’s Negative Behavior Patterns

Once you get into the habit of co-parenting, you’re likely to notice certain patterns in your ex’s behavior. Being aware of these patterns as time passes can help you avoid negative interactions and focus on what is best for your children. Toxic behaviors generally happen in cycles; once you recognize the patterns which comprise the toxic cycle, you can take steps to minimize negativity and ensure that you’re doing your part as a responsible parent.

Important Reminders For Co-Parenting

Co-parenting is a journey, especially when you’re forced to endure it with a toxic ex. Give yourself time to learn the ropes, and don’t beat yourself up if everything isn’t immediately smooth sailing. Knowing how to manage co-parenting with an ex is helpful, but each situation is unique. There will be many parts and layers of co-parenting, which ultimately require you to make a judgment call and determine which course of action you think is best.

If you know other successful co-parents, it may be helpful for you to network with them. Their situations are bound to differ from yours, but this doesn’t mean that their feedback and advice won’t prove to be of value. In many ways, this goes hand in hand with having a reliable support system. The ability to get advice from others who have been through what you’re learning can truly make your situation easier and less stressful.

Seeking Professional Help Is Always OK

Defending Your Children’s Well-being Is Critical When Co-Parenting

There are times when exes can put differences aside and seek professional therapy or counseling to achieve healthy co-parenting skills and do what’s best for their children. If this is something you and your ex can manage to do, it is an advisable move to better your situation.

If your ex isn’t able to seek professional help or declines to do so, this is still an advisable course of action for you. Remember, you can’t control how your ex conducts themselves, but you do have control over yourself and how you move throughout the journey of co-parenting. Working with a therapist allows you to talk about your situation and gain professional, unique feedback, which strictly pertains to what you’re going through as a co-parent.

Seeking therapy doesn’t make you less of a good parent, despite what your ex or other people may tell you. In fact, seeking therapy shows how committed you are to excellent co-parenting and doing what’s in your children’s best interest. This is something of which you should be proud, and nobody can take this away from you.

Depending on your situation or schedule, traveling to a designated location every week might not be a good fit for you. This is why signing up for online therapy with Regain is an available option that can be of value to you. Whether you’re going through co-parenting struggles or another matter entirely, Regain-based therapists would be more than thrilled to work with you.

With online therapy platforms like Regain, users can attend sessions with their counselors at times that work for their schedule. You and your ex can even attend a session together, if you both agree that it could be helpful. Barriers like traffic and distance are irrelevant when it comes to online therapy – you and your therapist can attend sessions from any time zone in the world, provided you have a secure internet connection.

Many people have achieved positive outcomes by seeking online therapy for a variety of reasons, including getting over a break-up, improving their parenting skills, and navigating co-parenting. In one study, researchers engaged in a one-year longitudinal randomized controlled trial with 1,856 Danish divorcees. The goal of the study was to evaluate the effectiveness of an online intervention for adults going through a divorce in regard to symptoms of anxiety, depression, and somatization. The findings of the study suggest that online interventions for divorced people could be effective in reducing the adverse mental health effects of divorce. 

Takeaway

Everyone faces setbacks and hard times in life. The ability to seek help when these challenges arise is ultimately what contributes to getting through hard times. Collaborating with an online therapist will not make all your issues with a toxic ex magically vanish; however, it will ensure that you’re equipped to cope with issues effectively and find the right solutions.

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