Do You Need Couples Therapy? Signs It’s Time For Marriage Counseling

Many people associate the idea of marriage counseling with divorce. The idea of divulging your deepest thoughts to a stranger may produce intense anxiety. But when you’re having trouble speaking to your partner in a relationship, it can be difficult to navigate problems on your own. Marriage therapy, a type of relationship therapy is a tool that people can use to strengthen their relationships or address issues that influence how well the marriage is working.

But when should you seek marriage counseling?  Here are a few signs that it may be time for you and your spouse to head to a counselor and seek help. 

Lack of trust

We often expect that something as serious as an extramarital affair or lying about finances will cause emotional hurt in a relationship and suggest that you need marriage counseling immediately. Still, many times a much smaller concern or series of behaviors is enough to break bonds. Trust is something that is gradually built up over time but can be lost quickly. When steps are not taken to restore trust in a marriage, no matter how small the impacting event may seem, spouses can slowly drift apart, often becoming suspicious or resentful of one another.

If you and your spouse find it difficult to trust each other after going through a situation where the hurt was involved, a trained marriage counseling therapist can help you deal with the event and the emotions surrounding it. To have a successful relationship, you must be able to learn to trust in marriage. To create trust in their marriage, both husband and wife should work together. Marriage therapy can help both of you regain that trust.

A lack of communication or quality time

It is also natural for relationships to become closer or drift apart for short periods of time. Still, if there has been a significant and consistent decrease in the amount of quality time you and your spouse spend together, it can be important to uncover why, which is a common goal in couples therapy. Common situations like sleeping in separate rooms, spending free time apart, or paying more attention to electronics and technology when together can signal a need to rekindle the relationship, as can mental health concerns of individual partners. Marriage therapy can help you find that spark between you again.

Bad habits, stress, and poor mental health

If one spouse has developed bad habits like alcoholism, gambling, or addiction of any kind, their behavior can take a serious toll on the marriage. While marriage counseling therapy may not solve the underlying personal issues a loved one is dealing with (individual therapy addresses that), a marriage counselor in couples counseling can provide skills to work through the problem together and help each spouse maintain their individual boundaries through the healing process.

Anytime a spouse is going through something challenging, like a mental health crisis, or an episode of intense stress in their career, their partner needs to be by their side. Sometimes, personal issues are hard to understand without being directly affected by them, so if you or your spouse are struggling to empathize with one another, a marriage therapist working in couples counseling can give you the tools you need to become more supportive considerate.

Major life changes

All relationships change over time. Sometimes, what started as a unified vision between two people morphs into both parties wanting something completely different in their lives. In many couples, this signals a looming divorce, but a marriage counselor will help you determine if going your separate ways is necessary. If both partners commit to staying with one another, despite the new path their marriage has taken, a marriage counselor and marriage therapy can help navigate any challenges, adjustments, or communication barriers that spring up along the way. Even if issues are small, couples counseling can help prevent them from becoming too large to manage.

Life-changing events, like the birth of a child, loss of a job, or death of a family, can also shake the foundation of a relationship, and couples counseling can greatly help here. Major events can make us question our health, the choices we have made, or our ability to handle daily life, questions which may or may not put stress on a marriage or impart distance between spouses. If you or your loved one are dealing with a life-changing event, marriage counseling can work to keep both of you on the same page during the many mental, emotional, or physical transitions that may take place.

Considering an affair

It is possible to develop innocent feelings of attraction for others from time to time, but when those thoughts spiral into desires for physically or emotionally intimate encounters, it is usually wise to seek marriage help immediately. There are many reasons why the "grass looks greener" with someone else, which may range from physical attraction to current emotional needs being unmet by a spouse. A professional can evaluate why your marriage is no longer producing feelings of fulfillment the way it used to and how to get it back on track.

What to remember when seeking marriage counseling or couples therapy

Starting couples counseling can be an uncomfortable decision, especially if only one spouse is pushing the issue. Remember that just because two people decide marriage counseling is right for them, it does not mean that the marriage is somehow on the fast track to divorce or that the marriage is guaranteed to survive. Marriage counseling is simply a tool to bring two people closer together. Here are some things to remember when seeking counseling.

No issue is too small

Sometimes a relationship struggles in a certain area, but otherwise is a healthy partnership between two people who genuinely want to be together. Marriage counseling is not just for serious make-it-or-break situations like cheating and issues with money or physical intimacy. Therapy services can tackle day-to-day issues like differences in parenting and poor communication too. No couple is perfect, and every marriage has something it can work on to become stronger. Taking advantage of marriage counseling for "small issues" is perfectly okay. If children are involved, family therapy might also be a good option. In a similar vein, attending family therapy before issues grow in size may be helpful.

It is okay to take your time

It is also okay not to be ready for couples counseling. Making marriage stronger takes time, and marriage counseling is just one part of an ongoing process. If you and your spouse are really on the fence about attending therapy services, start with just one appointment, or visit multiple therapists in your area for an initial assessment.  Finding the right match may take some time but having a therapist you both can trust will likely produce better results.

Individual therapy may help too

If one spouse is struggling with a personal issue that affects the marriage (mental illness, addiction behaviors, etc.), individual therapy should also be taken advantage of. Marriage therapy couples come into a marriage with their history, beliefs, and challenges that should be worked on individually. Sometimes an in-depth personal look at how one's past is affecting their current relationship is needed. If you or your spouse are dealing with something that may benefit from individual therapy, bring that up with your marriage counselor. You might also consider reaching out to professional organizations like the American Psychological Association, who can help you find a psychologist or therapist that meets your needs.

Physical violence is never okay

If physical violence is a factor in your relationship, it is important to get help right away. A trained mental health professional can help a specific individual with anger issues or patterns of abuse through intense intervention but put one's life at risk. At the same time, that help is sought is dangerous. 

If you are fearful of your spouse, do not wait for a therapist. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline now at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Relationships can’t always be saved and that’s okay

For most marriage therapy couples, avoiding divorce is the primary reason for attending marriage counseling, but therapy does not save all marriages. While uncovering deeper truths about your marriage in counseling, you and your spouse may decide it is best to go your separate ways. Accepting this as a possibility is important when deciding if you should pursue services. A marriage and family therapist can help you repair your relationship, but they can also help you end it peacefully.