Signs It Is Time For Marriage Counseling
When "marriage counseling" is spoken, many different feelings and fears may come up. Most people associate the idea of marriage counseling with divorce, seeing it as the final straw before two people who were once happy go their own way. Others think of themselves as divulging their deepest thoughts to a stranger, producing intense anxiety. But when you’re having trouble speaking to the other person in a relationship, it can be difficult to figure out the problems.
In reality, marriage therapy is simply a tool that two people can use to strengthen their relationship or address issues that influence how well the marriage is working, but when should you seek marriage counseling? Here are a few signs that it may be time for you and your spouse to head to a counselor and seek marriage help. It may be what you need to save your marriage.
Lack Of Trust
We expect that something as serious as an extramarital affair or lying about finances will cause emotional hurt in a relationship and could be signs you need marriage counseling immediately. Still, many times an issue much smaller is enough to break bonds. Trust is something that is gradually built up over time but is also taken away quickly. When steps are not taken to restore that trust in a marriage, no matter how small the impacting event may seem, spouses can slowly drift apart, often becoming suspicious or resentful of one another.
If you and your spouse find it difficult to trust each other after going through a situation where the hurt was involved, a trained therapist can help you deal with the event and the emotions surrounding it. To have a successful relationship, you must be able to learn to trust in marriage. To create trust in their marriage, both husband and wife must work together. Marriage therapy can help both of you regain that trust.
Little Or No Communication
A lack of communication is more than just not talking to one another often; it also takes the form of frequent fighting, secret-keeping, and general disinterest for each other. If you find yourself withholding information from your spouse to avoid confrontation or if you have been accused of being difficult to talk to, a serious problem with communication may be at the core of your marriage.
Dealing With An Enemy
In a relationship, it is completely normal not to always agree with your significant other. However, if it seems like you and your spouse are on opposite teams, or if you are seeing your spouse as the rival in your day-to-day life, your marriage is no longer a partnership. You come to see the other person in a relationship as the antagonist to your marriage. Are you looking at your spouse with the same disdain you would like an overbearing boss or telemarketer? Then it is time to reach out to a therapist who works in marriage therapy to identify why your relationship dynamic has changed.
Bad Habits Add Stress
No one is perfect, but if one spouse has developed bad habits like alcoholism, gambling, or addiction of any kind, their behavior can take a serious toll on the marriage. While marriage counseling therapy may not solve the underlying personal issues a loved one is dealing with (individual therapy addresses that), a marriage counselor in couples counseling can provide skills to work through the problem together and help each spouse maintain their individual boundaries through the healing process.
Personal Struggles Come Up
Anytime a spouse is going through something challenging, like a mental health crisis, or an episode of intense stress in their career, their partner needs to be by their side. Sometimes, personal issues are hard to understand without being directly affected by them, so if you or your spouse are struggling to empathize with one another, a marriage therapist working in couples counseling can give you the tools you need to become more supportive considerate.
Relationship Goals Change
All relationships change over time. Sometimes, what started as a unified vision between two people morphs into both parties wanting something completely different in their lives. In many couples, this signals a looming divorce, but a marriage counselor will help you determine if going your separate ways is necessary. If both partners commit to staying with one another, despite the new path their marriage has taken, a marriage counselor and marriage therapy can help navigate any challenges, adjustments, or communication barriers that spring up along the way.
Life-Changing Events Happen
Life-changing events, like the birth of a child, loss of a job, or death of a family, can shake the foundation of a relationship, and couples counseling can greatly help here. Major events can make us question our health, the choices we have made, or our ability to handle daily life, questions which may or may not put stress on a marriage or impart distance between spouses. If you or your loved one are dealing with a life-changing event, marriage counseling can work to keep both of you on the same page during the many mental, emotional, or physical transitions that may take place.
Thinking Of An Affair
It is possible to develop innocent feelings of attraction for others from time to time, but when those thoughts spiral into desires for physically or emotionally intimate encounters, seek marriage help. There are many reasons why the "grass looks greener" with someone else, which may range from physical attraction to current emotional needs being unmet by a spouse. A professional can evaluate why your marriage is no longer producing feelings of fulfillment the way it used to and how to get it back on track.
Less Time Spent Together
It is natural for relationships to become closer or drift apart for short periods of time. Still, if there has been a significant and consistent decrease in the amount of quality time you and your spouse spend together, it is important to uncover why. Common issues like sleeping in separate rooms, spending free time apart, or paying more attention to electronics and technology when together often signal a need to rekindle the relationship. Marriage therapy can help you find that spark between you again.
Not Sure If It Is Time For Marriage Counseling?
Starting couples counseling can be an uncomfortable decision, especially if only one spouse is pushing the issue. Remember that just because two people decide marriage counseling is right for them, it does not mean that the marriage is somehow on the fast track to divorce or that the marriage is guaranteed to survive. Marriage counseling is simply a tool to bring two people closer together. If you are on the fence, keep in mind the following:
No Issue Is Too Small
Sometimes a relationship struggles in a certain area, but otherwise is a healthy partnership between two people who genuinely want to be together. Marriage counseling is not just for serious make-it-or-break situations like cheating and issues with money or physical intimacy. Therapy services can tackle day-to-day issues like differences in parenting and poor communication too. No couple is perfect, and every marriage has something it can work on to become stronger. Taking advantage of marriage counseling for "small issues" is perfectly okay.
It Is Okay To Take Your Time
It is also okay not to be ready for couples counseling. Making marriage stronger takes time, and marriage counseling is just one part of an ongoing process. If you and your spouse are really on the fence about attending therapy services, start with just one appointment, or visit multiple therapists in your area for an initial assessment. Finding the right match may take some time but having a therapist you both can trust will likely produce better results.
Individual Therapy Helps Too
If one spouse is struggling with a personal issue that affects the marriage (mental illness, addiction behaviors, etc.), individual therapy should also be taken advantage of. Marriage therapy couples come into a marriage with their history, beliefs, and challenges that should be worked on individually. Sometimes an in-depth personal look at how one's past is affecting their current relationship is needed. If you or your spouse are dealing with something that may benefit from individual therapy, bring that up with your marriage counselor.
Physical Violence Is Never Okay
If physical violence is a factor in your relationship, it is important to get help right away. A trained mental health professional can help a specific individual with anger issues or patterns of abuse through intense intervention but put one's life at risk. At the same time, that help is sought is dangerous. If you are fearful of your spouse, do not wait for a therapist. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline now at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
The Marriage Counseling Disclaimer
For most marriage therapy couples, avoiding divorce is the primary reason for attending marriage counseling, but therapy does not save all marriages. While uncovering deeper truths about your marriage in counseling, you and your spouse may decide it is best to go your separate ways. Accepting this as a possibility is important when deciding if you should pursue services.
As you can see, there are many times when marriage therapy is a helpful tool in a relationship. There is a lot to keep in mind when deciding whether marriage counseling will work for you, but you can take comfort in the fact that marriage counseling does not automatically equal divorce. If both partners are willing to work through their issues with one another, no matter what they are, therapy can be an incredible tool that makes a marriage stronger in the long run.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
How do you know if you need marriage counseling?: One of the signs that you might need marriage therapy is if you and your spouse are no longer talking to each other. The majority of marriage problems stem from challenges with communication, whether it’s always arguing or giving each other silent treatment for long periods of time. Or worse, when you’re afraid to talk at all.
Another of the signs you need marriage counseling is seeing your partner as the antagonist in your relationship. What may have started as a partnership has devolved into spouses being against each other every step of the way? Relationship issues become worse over time to the point that it feels like you’re fighting a war all by yourself.
Lastly, you may need counseling therapy if you and your spouse live separate lives away from each other. At this point, it’s probably time to find a marriage counselor.
What is the success rate of marriage counseling?: According to Psychology Today, marriage therapy is about 75% effective, especially when using the Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) method. This is a short-term form of therapy that focuses on the attachment/bonding aspect of adult relationships. It’s best used in couples therapy to help adults learn how to improve their relationships with each other. The added benefit of EFT is that it can help each deal with their own tumultuous emotions stemming from the struggling marriage, such as depression.
What are the signs of a troubled marriage?: Signs that indicate that your healthy marriage is no longer healthy include not wanting to spend quality time together, one or both partners committing sexual infidelity, drug or alcohol abuse problems, your spouse using past incidents against you, hiding money issues, one or both partners threatening divorce at some point during the relationship, feeling lonely within the marriage, or always feeling stressed when thinking about your marriage. This is just a small list of some of the signs of a married couple who are no longer happy together and should probably seek counseling.
When should you start marriage counseling?: The best answer is “before it’s too late.” According to the experts, couples wait for an average of about six years of relationship issues before they seek marriage counseling therapy. Allowing problems to sit idly by instead of nipping them in the bud will only allow them to snowball over time into much bigger problems. Couples therapy is one way to take care of these problems if you really want to save your marriage. Marriage can’t last unless both parties are willing to put in the effort to make it work.
It’s best to find a marriage counselor who has experience working with couples and is a good fit for both you and your partner. There are some steps a married couple can take on their own before they consider taking up couples counseling, such as setting a relaxed environment to have conversations with your partner regularly. Another thing you could do is use open-ended dialogue in your conversations rather than pointing out faults. That keeps the air open to speak about concerns without pointing fingers. It may help you and your partner regain your healthy marriage.
What is the number 1 reason for divorce in America?: Studies have shown that the number one reason for divorce is a lack of commitment. As much as 75% of divorced couples felt that their partner wasn’t committed to their relationships as much as they were. In second place was infidelity in the relationship (59.6%), and the presence of too much conflict (57.7%) was a close third place.
Will a marriage counselor tell you to get a divorce?: An expert working in marriage therapy is never going to tell you to get a divorce. Even if they feel that it may be the best solution for both parties, it is a decision that the partners have to come to. It’s isn’t the job of a marriage counselor to point out the signs that the marriage can’t work; they must keep their opinions to themselves and only offer advice on how the couple can improve in the future.