I Don’t Love Him Anymore: Moving On From A Relationship

"I don't love you anymore". There are few phrases as heart-wrenching as this. In some relationships, love may fade gradually for both partners, and the end is an amicable split. In other relationships, love might burn brightly at one end and flicker and die on the other. If you’re no longer in love with your husband or boyfriend, it could be time to go your separate ways. 

When love fades

There are some relationships in which abuse, neglect, or differences of opinion are obvious catalysts for love fading. Other times, everyday life may wear on the relationship and reveal holes that aren't easily repaired. 

If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text "START" to 88788. You can also use the online chat.

Perhaps the first step in moving on is acknowledging that the relationship has truly ended. Even when you are the one to initiate the split, moving on can be a difficult task. Relationships have a way of invading every aspect of your life. Thus, moving on from a cherished relationship can be frightening and lonely, even if the love is no longer there. 

The hard conversation

The second step in moving on might be having the breakup conversation. When you no longer love your husband or boyfriend, you may be faced with the heart wrenching task of telling him that your relationship is at its end.  These types of conversations can be difficult, embarrassing, and painful. Some people hope to avoid them by gradually disappearing from their partner’s life. Although this might be tempting,  you owe it to yourself and your former partner to take the time and effort required to have the conversation and officially end your partnership. This will provide you both with the closure you need to move forward. 

Moving on

There may not a single, easily defined method to successfully moving on from a relationship. It can be a deeply personal journey that can move in fits and spurts and in a large number of directions. Moving on can mean feeling on top of the world one minute, resplendent in your newfound freedom, and sobbing into your childhood stuffed animal the next. That’s normal. A relationship ending can be a complicated road that doesn’t follow a simple, linear fashion.

If you are the person who instigated the breakup, you might feel as though you are not allowed to grieve. Don’t fall prey to that mindset. Remember that you should give yourself the space to grieve your relationship and its loss, even if you were the catalyst for that loss. Honor yourself and the relationship you once had by giving yourself plenty of time to heal.

Tools to heal

There may not be a concrete series of steps to guide every single breakup toward healing and moving on. Still, there are some steps you can take to make sure that you are healing as smoothly and effectively as possible. These steps might help you avoid some of the pitfalls that frequently occur following a breakup. 

• Making space for your emotions. When you feel emotion well up within you, give yourself the time and freedom to feel it. If you feel angry, give yourself a few minutes or more to feel that emotion. Let it wash over you, breathe deeply, and then allow it to leave just as suddenly as it arrived.
• Sharing your experience. Whether you share your feelings with a friend, a family relative, or a therapist, make sure you are taking the time to work through and truly process your feelings. Feeling your feelings is a start, but verbal processing is another important step in sorting through your relationship wreckage and moving forward.
• Getting out and about. It may be tempting to stay cooped up in your house after a breakup, especially if you and your partner's social lives revolved around one another. Doing so could prolong your breakup blues, though. Try to get out with friends or loved ones when social invitations arise. It could be helpful to create new memories with the people you trust.
• Looking to the future. Think about the opportunities that have surfaced since your relationship ended. Recall the reasons the relationship ended in the first place. Looking to the future can make the present more bearable and remind you that the pain is temporary.

When healing stalls

Sometimes, healing will stall, and the pain of a breakup may become overwhelming. This doesn't necessarily mean that you've made a mistake or that you need to go out and try to rekindle your relationship with your husband or boyfriend. Instead, it might mean you are experiencing loneliness or discomfort with the novelty of being single. It could be helpful to remember that moving forward is not a linear journey. You may go months without thinking of your former partner only to have a week or two where the pain of a breakup hits you like a ton of bricks. While it may feel strange, it could be a normal part of the grieving process.

If, however, you notice that your grief is not resolving, it could be a signal of a more serious issue. For example, if  you are having trouble getting out of bed or you begin to lose interest in things you previously loved, these could be warning signs. Significant lifestyle changes like breakups can precede mental health conditions like anxiety and depression, for example.

Symptoms of anxiety include feeling anxious or nervous for extended periods without a direct cause, physical symptoms such as a racing heart or accelerated breathing, and feelings of impending doom. Anxiety can be a temporary condition, but without intervention and treatment, it can also become persistent.

Depression symptoms can be more difficult to identify because depression affects everybody differently. Mood changes are the most significant symptoms and can include increased feelings of irritability, anger, exhaustion, or apathy. Physical changes such as weight loss or gain, increased or decreased sleeping patterns, and chronic exhaustion, can also indicate the presence of depression.

These disorders can significantly impact one’s quality of life, and both can compromise overall health and longevity. If you have developed the symptoms of anxiety or depression, it’s not advisable to try to handle it yourself. Both of these conditions require the intervention and subsequent treatment of mental health professional. 

Getting help

While it can be frightening or unnerving when anxiety and depression develop, both conditions are treatable. Depression and anxiety rates have continued to climb over the past decade. Thus, treatment has become more readily available and more diverse in its delivery and approach. Therapies can include talk therapy modalities as well as trauma-based therapies to get to the root of both anxiety and depression.

Although the most common form of therapy is a standard in-office visit with a psychiatrist or psychologist, there are many ways to engage mental health professionals. Some people benefit from therapist-led group sessions, which are more akin to support groups than actual treatment sessions. 

Going through a painful breakup could make it difficult to see a therapist in person, though. You may be feeling particularly emotional, which might make it hard to discuss things with a stranger, especially in a clinical setting like a counselor’s office. Some people report that an online environment is more conducive to these types of discussions. This type of counseling can be more convenient, too, since it can be accessed from your mobile device. 

Scholarly research in the field of psychotherapy has demonstrated the effectiveness of online therapy for individuals, couples, and families. A comprehensive meta-analysis of studies showed no significant differences among outcomes experienced by individuals undergoing web-based therapy compared to those in traditional therapy.

Counselor reviews

“He’s amazing - he’s gotten me through some tough times and reminds me I’m not made of super human strength - that I’m human with normal emotions and it is in fact okay to cry. He has been an amazing support through a horrible breakup.”

“Nadja was very supportive and listened to my concerns in a non-judgmental way while offering helpful advice to get me through a very rough time in my relationship. Ultimately, she helped me see that the relationship hadn't been working for me, and she helped give me confidence to break out of the cycle and believe in myself in order to leave the situation. I would recommend her as a counselor to anyone going through personal or relationship issues!”

Takeaway

Never let it be said that breakups are easy. Even if you initiated the breakup with your husband or boyfriend, losing interest in someone you previously considered a partner is difficult to process and can be the source of tremendous pain and change. Even in the face of these difficulties, though, there is hope for moving on and enjoying your life. Get the help you need from a mental health professional to fully heal and process the grief.