Keeping The Peace: How To Approach A Pathological Liar

A pathological liar can be described as someone who compulsively lies about any number of things in life; their lies can go beyond the occasional white lie and become a regular habit. Lying pathologically in this way can be the result of some mental health conditions. However, there may be no medical or psychological reason for pathological or frequent lying. Those who lie often may do so to gain acceptance and sympathy, to get out of trouble, or prevent feelings caused by an uncomfortable situation. Sometimes, pathological lying may occur for no discernible reason at all.

Lying can be harmful to any relationship because it often represents a breach of trust, especially in cases of excessive lying. Understanding the characteristics of pathological liars and using strategies for communicating with them may make it possible to keep the peace while also addressing your own needs.

How do white lies differ from pathological lies?

White lies are usually small fibs that can be relatively harmless. They're generally minor mistruths that people tell without malicious intent and often without thinking about them much. People might tell little white lies so they don't get into trouble or to spare someone they love and care about from having hurt feelings.

It can be fairly common to lie in this way. In a 2002 study on lying, researchers found that 60% of people lied at least once during a 10-minute conversation, with the average person telling two or three lies during that time.

This is not to suggest that we should keep telling lies or accept them from others. It may be worth keeping in mind, though, because lying can be a challenge that people from all walks of life may encounter. While white lies are usually fairly innocuous, pathological lies can be harmful to the liar as much as they may be to the people being lied to.

What are the indicators of a pathological liar?

Researchers have sought to understand why people lie habitually and have come up short for the most part. They have determined that pathological lying can sometimes be a symptom of a mental health condition called antisocial personality disorder. Not all people who lie pathologically do so because they have antisocial personality disorder, though, or because they have a mental health disorder at all. Pathological lying may also be caused by trauma, head injuries, or an abnormality in the body's hormone-cortisol ratio, among other things.

Researchers believe that habit can play into pathological lying, too. A study in 2016 indicated that the more lies a person tells, the easier it can be to lie.

Pathological liars may tend to be talented and engaging storytellers capable of weaving dramatic, complicated stories with many colorful details. In their stories, they might seem to always be the hero or the victim. Their stories may be driven by the need to gain their audience's admiration, sympathy, or acceptance. 

Likewise, pathological liars may lie so frequently out of habit that they often can't discern the difference between fact and fiction. They're not always able to draw a mental line between conscious lying and delusion, which is why this behavior can harm their well-being as well as their sense of self-respect and sense of morality over time. 

Sometimes, pathological lying occurs because telling the truth, even about seemingly small and simply things, can cause the person to feel somehow vulnerable or lesser. However, like with lying, in time it can become easier to consistently be honest and tell the truth.

In the beginning, it's not always easy to detect a pathological liar. Oftentimes, they're so good at their craft that they can still have a good job and a decent social life. Those who lie often don't typically show the same signs as others who lie, like stopping for a long pause or avoiding eye contact. 

Over time, though, you may notice that you keep hearing different versions of a particular story or stories, or that different versions are told to different people.

How to manage a pathological liar

Being lied to can be upsetting, confusing, and disappointing, especially if the lies come from someone you care about. Regardless of where they come from, understanding how you can approach lies without escalating the situation can help you navigate interactions with a pathological liar more successfully. 

Keep calm

Don't let your anger get the best of you in front of the liar, even if you’re hurt or frustrated by their actions. Find another outlet to process your negative feelings and stay calm. It's often better to manage lying by being kind and supportive but firm.

Have realistic expectations

Expect the liar to deny their behavior. Try to anticipate their reaction and try to mentally prepare yourself. Understanding that pathological lying can become a sort of safety net for many people may help you remember not to take it personally. Even if someone’s lies seem to be meant to hurt or upset you, you can take much of their power away by recognizing them for what they are. Let the person know that they don't need to impress you and that you value them as they are.

Know your options

You may have some degree of choice when it comes to managing a pathological liar. You may not have to engage with them at all. You are in the driver's seat, and you can choose whether to continue the conversation with someone you know is being dishonest, or to disengage if it seems like the best course of action.

Don’t give in

In some cases, it may be necessary to address someone’s lies head-on. Doing so in a way that isn’t overly confrontational may make it easier for some people to open up and be honest. For example, you might say something like, "You just said that took an acting class at college and got a leading role; yet I see your college transcript in front of you, and it doesn't list an acting class. I'm confused as to why you want me to believe that you have a lead in a play." 

Another strategy can be to attempt to clarify the information by appearing as if you don't understand it. For example, "I don't get why you told me that you were at school yesterday when Sam told me he visited with you at your home." A pathological liar sometimes wants to have the upper hand in some way, and by giving off the appearance that you don't understand a situation, you may be able to take the top position. This might help the liar come clean without feeling like they just got caught in a lie. Try your best to see and validate the true person that they are, not the pathological lying.

Check the facts

Another tactic you can try when trying to yourself from a pathological liar is not to believe anything at all until you can confirm it. You may not be able to stop the behavior, which means that you might not be able to take everything they say at face value. As best as you can, weigh the lies with the facts. If your gut tells you something is wrong, it may be worth paying attention to.

Try to have empathy

Whatever approach you decide to take, it’s usually not a great idea to pick a fight with a pathological liar. In some cases, pathological liars don't know who they truly are or just how much or often that they lie, or sometimes even that they are lying at all. The person may be feeling unwanted or alone. 

Additionally, try to keep in mind that some people engage in compulsive lying because they have a personality or mental health disorder. Without treatment and professional help, those who engage in compulsive lying due to these causes may not be able to change their behavior on a dime, but rather might need proper guidance and support. 

If you persist in arguing with a pathological liar, the lies may go around and around, never solving anything and causing you extreme frustration in the process. It may help to try and be content that you know the truth and be willing to let them believe their lies. Sometimes, that is the safest thing to do for everyone involved.

Seeking professional support

Professional counseling can helpful for pathological liars and those who are close to them. It might be beneficial to encourage them to seek out the advice of a mental health professional like a therapist to get to the root of their behavior. If the person refuses all help, reach out for counseling for yourself to learn how to draw boundaries and find strategies for dealing with a pathological liar can also be a good next course of action.

Online therapy may make it easier for those who engage in pathological lying to feel comfortable opening up. The distance an online space creates can lessen some of the pressure that might build during situations where lying is discussed. Even those who don’t lie can potentially benefit from the sense of safety and security an online platform can provide.

Research suggests that many people feel more comfortable revealing more to their therapist through online mediums. This means that online therapy may be an ideal set-up for pathological liars, no matter what may be driving their habits. 

Takeaway

Being on the other end of consistent, seemingly unnecessary lies can be frustrating, but there are some steps you can take to address a pathological liar without sacrificing your own well-being. Overall, the best way to get help for yourself or the liar in question may be by seeking the advice of a licensed mental health professional.