What To Do If You Are In A Relationship With A Pathological Liar

What is lying, exactly? The definition of a lie is an "intentionally false statement," but that truly only scratches the surface. There are different types of lies along with different intentions for the lie. Some lies seem relatively harmless, like trivial or white lies. Other lies can cause lasting damage, especially when it involves a significant other.

While many people tend to lie, albeit occasionally, there are some people whose patterns of dishonesty categorize them into a particular type of liars. One of the more sinister types of liars is one who is pathological. Compulsive lying is a defining characteristic of a pathological liar, who will often lie for no known reason. If you are in a relationship with a pathological liar, you already know how difficult it is to live with someone who is consistently dishonest. However, you may be suspicious that you are involved with a pathological liar but are unsure. Read on the discover the signs of a pathological liar and how to manage the relationship in ways that are healthy and strengthening. 

Pathological lying: Background

There are ways to recognize a pathological type of liar if you know what to look for. If you are in a relationship or married to a compulsive liar, you will need to know the options you have to deal with it. In this article, we will take a look at the signs of a pathological type of liar and how you can manage a relationship that may be full of love and lies. You may choose to stay with the person you love, despite their consistent dishonest nature, so we hope this information will help you make an informed decision.

Signs of a pathological type liar

The defining sign of someone who pathological lies is a compulsion to lie with no motivation or cause. In other words, these kinds of liars seem to lie for no apparent reason. A recent study defined pathological lying as the following: 

“Persistent, pervasive, and often compulsive pattern of excessive lying behavior that leads to clinically significant impairment of functioning in social, occupational, or other areas; causes marked distress; poses a risk to the self or others; and occurs for longer than 6 months.”

This study (published in the journal Psychiatric Research and Clinical Practice) aimed to test the clinical significance of pathological lying and questioned if it should be defined as its own diagnostic entity. The study also found that 13% of the randomly appointed participants stated they had a history of pathological lying behavior. 

Pathological lying cannot be traced to one mental disorder or outside influence and is not classified as a separate disorder in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders). Nonetheless, the DSM-5 does refer to pathological lying as a possible symptom an antisocial personality disorder and linked to malingering and factitious disorder (both referring to lying about having an illness). 

One trait of pathological lies is that they are often colorful and detailed. The pathological type of liar will be able to defend themselves, burying themselves deeper in the lie instead of confessing the truth. Often, these liars will become angry and defensive when caught, making it difficult to have a reasonable conversation with them. Other signs of a pathological liar include:

• Defensive for no apparent reason, but especially when confronted about a lie
• Telling dramatic and elaborate stories full of unlikely events
• Vagueness or changing a story around
• Not showing empathy when caught lying
• Anxiousness when speaking

There is no one true definition of a pathological type of liar. What we know is that telling lies can become incessant. Some pathological liars have no control over the lies they tell, honestly believing what they are saying and not realizing that what they say can be proven otherwise. Other pathological types of liars take great pleasure from deceiving others, using the act as a form of control with no qualms for how they are hurting the people around them.

If you suspect that you are dealing with a pathological liar, focus on what they are saying. Since these kinds of liars honestly believe they are getting away with their lies, most of the time, you will be able to prove what the truth is without them realizing it. The lies will most likely be innocuous and given for no apparent reason. They will also portray the liar as either the hero or the victim of the story. 

If you suspect your friend, spouse, or loved one is a pathological liar, knowing what signs to look for can help you  figure out how to deal with pathological liar.

Pathological vs. compulsive

Lying can come in many forms, such as innocuous lies that are harmless known as white lies or exaggerations when we enhance a true story to make it more interesting. Just as there are different types of lies, the same holds true for types of people who lie.  For example, pathological and compulsive are two terms that often get used interchangeably in conversation when describing a liar. In reality, they are quite distinct from each other.

 Compulsive liars typically show tell-tale signs of lying, such as sweating, nervous stuttering, and avoiding eye contact. Some of these kinds of liars learn the habit of lying early in life, and it is simple to learn how to identify compulsive liars due to the indicators and characteristics. Compulsive liars may have been put in situations in their childhood that made lying a necessity, and the lies becomes a habit. If a person experienced physical abuse or emotional abuse, they have learned to lie compulsively as a coping mechanism. In this case, encouraging them to seek professional help may lead them on a path to healing.

If you or a loved one is experiencing or has experienced relationship abuse or domestic violence, please seek help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and offers support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. The number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also text “START” to 88788 or use the live chat option on the website at TheHotline.org. The Hotline provides essential tools and support to help survivors of domestic violence so they can live their lives free of abuse. Other sites that can offer people who have experienced abuse or who are looking for mental health resources for other reasons include the National Alliance on Mental Illness—NAMI—and SAMSHA’s national helpline.

Lying is a means to an end for a liar who lies compulsively. In some cases, a compulsive liar lies to get them out of situations where they are uncomfortable. Unfortunately for a compulsive liar, the lies are often seen for what they are. But they cannot help but continue to lie compulsively, even after they are caught lying.

Liars who lie compulsively may have low self-esteem, which often is the direct opposite of a pathological type of liar. Again, encouraging them to seek professional help may give a good person the opportunity to address their self-esteem and learn healthier behaviors so that they don’t feel compelled to make false statements.

While someone who lies compulsively about things, whether big or small, to make themselves look better, a pathological type liar will lie just because they can. They may even feel pleasure in getting away with the lie. A pathological liar may appear that they do not care about deceiving you, which can be described as lacking empathy. Knowing the difference between compulsive and pathological lying may help you know how to interact with someone who lies. For example, confronting someone who lies about themselves because of low self-esteem will look differently from someone who lies basically for the sake of the lie itself. 

What to do if you are in a relationship with a pathological type liar

How can I be in a relationship with a pathological type of liar? You might be asking yourself. How do I trust anything my significant other is saying? Learning about the motivations of a pathological type of liar is unsettling. But remember that ultimately you are in the one charge of your relationship. What you decide, whether it be to remain with your dishonest partner or separate, is up to you. Here are some tools to help you make the best decision possible.

Stay calm

At the most basic level, when you confront a pathological type of liar for being dishonest, do so in a calm and nonconfrontational manner. They may not be rational in their response or completely deny that they were lying. In some cases, they may even believe the lie to be true.  Try to stay as calm as possible and give them no reason to escalate the situation. You cannot appeal to their empathy or sense of compassion as they most likely feel that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. Nonetheless, do not give in to the lie, engage with them in a conversation, or give the lie more attention that is needed. Be consistent and if it seems like an argument is about to happen, tell them you need a break to process. 

Practice kindness

Be kind in your tone and demeanor, and make sure you are in a safe space. Let your partner know that you are not impressed by lies and that you have no interest in a conversation that contains lies. Once you establish this boundary, tell them you are willing to listen to their perspective. This will give them an opening to tell the truth, a fact they may not realize on their own. You might also let them know that you want to be in a healthy relationship—one that is based in honesty and respect.

Gain their trust

Looking to earn the trust of someone who consistently betrays yours by lying may seem counterintuitive when confronting the person managing pathological lying. However, being willing to have open conversations can help them create a habit of truth-telling and help them feel that you will accept their honesty. The goal is to make telling the truth something that can bring them joy, as opposed to the rush they may get from telling a lie. Also, know that it is not your responsibility to "fix" them. One person alone cannot do the real work of helping a pathological liar choose not to lie. The best thing you can focus on is gaining their trust and then suggesting that they seek therapy.

Seeking help with therapy

A mental health therapist will be equipped with the right knowledge to treat a pathological type of liar. While there is no diagnosis that defines pathological lying, it can be a symptom of a mental health disorder, including borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. In some cases, a neurological disorder can cause a person to lie pathologically, such as in the case of dementia. Since there are many different types of underlying reasons for pathological lies, a licensed counselor should be the one to diagnose the issue and not a significant other.

Therapy has developed into a complex field of medicine that is different than it was in the past. In-person therapy sessions are becoming more affordable through insurance, and many options have opened up to have sessions over the phone or online. Therapy can be one of the best ways for individuals or couples to strengthen their mental health and relationships. Couples counseling may be a good first option to get your significant other's foot in the door. If you offer to be there with them, they may have an easier time accepting your request.

If you or your significant other are too busy to make an appointment and see a therapist in person, you have the option to use online therapy. In some cases, online therapy may be more beneficial than in-person due to accessibility and anonymity. Many people who are managing a symptom of a mental health disorder will be worried about being seen going into a therapist’s office due to the stigma attached. In these cases, the anonymous nature of online therapy can be especially helpful. Furthermore, research supports the efficacy of virtual mental health interventions. In a study published in World Psychiatry, researchers examined the benefits of online counseling when addressing an array of mental health issues. They found that online therapy, and in particular, online cognitive-behavioral therapy, can be a helpful form of psychological treatment, mentioning specifically its cost-effectiveness and ability to help innovate positive change. Cognitive-behavioral therapy works by helping individuals understand and replace negative thoughts that can lead to unwanted actions and feelings, such as pathological lying.

Regain is an online counseling platform for couples and single people. We offer text-based support for a multitude of mental health issues, from disorders to couple's disputes. You will be given a chatroom to describe your feelings. Your partner will have separate login, but they will be able to view your room if you choose to let them see it. After you describe how you feel, a licensed counselor will go into your chatroom and read it. They will then give you advice based on what they read through the chatroom. You can create an individual account and add your partner later if you wish. Due to the age of consent, children are unable to use this platform, however.

A last thing to remember is crucial: Be safe and ask for help when you need it. The counselors at Regain are happy to give you the help that you and your partner need. To get started, get matched with a therapist at www.Regain.us/start.

Takeaway

You may be in a relationship with a pathological liar, love a pathological liar, or be trying to recover after a break-up with a pathological liar. Being in a relationship with a pathological type of liar will be difficult. Their instinct to lie is high, which can cause trust issues that lead to even bigger issues down the line. But if you keep the line of communication open and are willing to work with your significant other through counseling, the relationship does not necessarily have to end. Pathological type lying is an issue that should be treated by a professional. You do not have to be alone in the struggle. Lying should never be tolerated, but hopefully, reading about the underlying cause or motivation for the lies will help you empathize with your partner enough to encourage them to get them the help they need.