How To Make Your Wife Want To Make Love To You
By: Stephanie Kirby
Updated March 17, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Stephanie Deaver, LCSW
You've probably noticed some major differences between you and your wife. Some of these differences are good, and some of them make your relationship difficult. One of those differences that can make a relationship difficult is each partner's sexual drive and desire. If your wife's desire isn't matching up with yours, it can leave you wondering how to make your wife want to make love to you.
It's easy to get your feelings hurt if you think that your wife isn't interested in being intimate with you, but there's often more going on in the situation than that.
It's Time to Play Detective
If your wife isn't interested and you're trying to figure out how to make your wife want to make love to you more, or at all, then you have to start looking for what's really going on. Only when you get to the root cause of the problem will changes be made in your relationship and intimacy level.
Have a Conversation
You may be thinking something like, "I've already tried to talk to her about it." or, "I'm tired of begging for it," but that's not the type of conversation that we're talking about here. This is a conversation that you need to approach carefully.
Don't start this conversation when you're frustrated or angry. Instead, ask her if there's a good time when the two of you could sit down and talk. Then, when the time comes, you will be able to approach the conversation carefully.
Make sure it doesn't sound like you're trying to attack your wife or knock her down in any way. You are simply stating how you're viewing the situation from your perspective and how it makes you feel.
You also need to allow her to say how things are from her perspective. If this is a conversation that you're going to have, you need to really listen to your wife and give her respect.
This situation will be best solved if the two of you can work at it together. This is the only way to deal with this type of situation healthily so that one or both of you don't end up frustrated and upset.
If she refuses to have this conversation with you, then there are some things that you can do on your own to try to fix the situation.
Here are some reasons why your wife might not be interested in being intimate with you:
She has a Physical Problem
It could be that your wife is having physical problems, such as pain during intercourse, that causes her to want to avoid being intimate. Even if you and your wife are very close with each other, this could be something that she might not be comfortable talking about with you.
However, if this is what's going on, she needs to have a conversation with her doctor to see what can be done to remedy the situation for her relationship and her health.
She Has Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem can play a negative role in relationships in many ways. If your wife struggles with low self-esteem, she may feel bad about her physical appearance or her ability to please you. This can cause her to try avoiding intimacy instead of feeling like she's failing in another area.
Low self-esteem makes it difficult to have a healthy relationship, and if it's something that your wife is struggling with, then it's likely that she's struggling in every area of her life.
Low self-esteem can take on many different forms, so don't think that just because your wife doesn't show the classic signs of low self-esteem, it may not be something she's struggling with. For example, some people with low self-esteem become a perfectionist. It appears that they have everything together in their life on the surface, but below the surface, where people can't see, they often feel overwhelmed and like they aren't good enough.
You've Broken Her Trust
Another reason that your wife might not be interested in being intimate with you is if you've broken her trust in the past. If you are guilty of having an affair, or anything along those lines, and hurt her, she might be uncomfortable being vulnerable with you in that way. It can also remind her of what you have done and cause her emotional pain.
If you've broken trust in your relationship and you and your wife are trying to stay together, marriage counseling can be very effective at helping you rebuild a healthy relationship. Until you get to that point, you may experience many different consequences for your actions, which can be one of them.
She Doesn't Feel Loved
Your wife might seem distant in the bedroom because she doesn't feel loved by you throughout the day. While some men feel that sexual intimacy is the same as showing love to their wife, wives often feel different. It might be that your wife would appreciate you paying attention to her outside of the bedroom, which could help her to be more excited about making love when the time comes.
If your wife is telling you that she's tired, it might not be an excuse she's trying to make, and it might be how she really feels. Not that it makes you feel better than she's turning you down in the bedroom, but it gives you an indication of what you can do to turn the situation around.
The modern woman has a lot of pressure on her from day today. Your wife might be trying to hold down the house, keep the family fed, work a part-time or full-time job, do the grocery shopping, and a long list of other things. This can leave her physically and mentally exhausted at the end of the day where she feels like she doesn't have anything left to give.
If you look at your wife's schedule, and you can see that she's overwhelmed, that she's taking on too much, or that there's just a lot to do around the house, jump in and help. Not only will this help keep some of the stuff off her to-do list so she won't be as tired, but it can also help her to appreciate you and want you even more.
She's Having an Affair
This one is last on the list because it's not a conclusion that you should jump too. It's easy to jump to this conclusion if your ego has been hurt because she's been turning you down or making no effort to be with you intimately.
If you start accusing her of this and she's not doing anything wrong, you're going to add to the list of problems you have in your relationship.
Like the example in this article, some psychologists have found that a lack of intimacy within a marriage can be caused by one partner having an affair. So this could be a possible cause, but it's not a conclusion that you should jump to on your own, especially without other signs of infidelity.
If this is a conversation that you need to have, and you feel that there is enough proof that you're concerned about the possibility, it can be best to involve a professional like a therapist in the conversation to help sort out all of the details.
How to Change the Situation
Reading through the information above, you may feel like you've been able to pinpoint where the problem is in your relationship. You can use that information to start looking for ways that you can change it.
For example, if your wife's exhausted, then help her out. If you think there could be a physical problem that is bothering her, encourage her to see a doctor. If you can see that she suffers from low self-esteem in other areas of her life, support her in getting the help that she needs.
You and your wife can address the situation together by talking to a marriage counselor. A licensed professional can help the two of you get to the bottom of your problems and figure out how to improve your relationship. It could help you rebuild trust with your wife after an affair, build self-esteem, or learn how to improve your communication in a relationship.
Many different things can factor into the intimate relationship that you have with your wife, and it's not always something that you can easily figure out on your own. That's where a therapist can help. However, the best way to start addressing it is with a simple conversation with your wife if she's open to it.
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