How To Make Your Wife Want To Make Love To You

Updated May 8, 2023by Regain Editorial Team

One of the differences that can cause difficulties in a relationship is each partner's sexual drive and desire. If your wife's desire isn't matching up with yours, it can leave you wondering how to encourage your wife to want to make love to you.

It can be easy to get your feelings hurt if you think that your wife isn't interested in being intimate with you, but there's often more going on in the situation than that.

Consider The Reasons

Is Your Relationship Having Intimacy Difficulties?

You may need to start looking for what's really going on. Only when you get to the root cause of the problem can changes be made in your relationship and intimacy level.

Have A Conversation

This is a conversation that you likely need to approach carefully.

Don't start this conversation when you're frustrated or angry. Instead, ask her if there's a good time when the two of you could sit down and talk. Then, when the time comes, you can approach the conversation carefully.

Make sure it doesn't sound like you're trying to attack your wife or knock her down in any way. You are simply stating how you're viewing the situation from your perspective and how it can make you feel.

You also may need to allow her to say how things are from her perspective. If this is a conversation that you're going to have, you should listen to your wife respect her ideas.

This situation can be best solved if the two of you can work at it together. 

If she refuses to have this conversation with you, then there also may be some things that you can do on your own to try to fix the situation.

Here are some reasons why your wife might not be interested in being intimate with you:

She Has A Physical Problem

It could be that your wife is having physical problems, such as pain during intercourse, that can cause her to want to avoid being intimate. Even if you and your wife are very close with each other, this could be something that she might not be comfortable talking about with you, or maybe something that she can’t properly identify.

However, if this is what's going on, she should have a conversation with her doctor to see what can be done to remedy the situation for her relationship and her health.

She Has Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem can play a negative role in relationships in many ways. If your wife has low self-esteem, she may feel bad about her physical appearance or her ability to please you. This can cause her to try avoiding intimacy instead of feeling like she's failing.

Low self-esteem can make it difficult to have a healthy relationship, and if it's something that your wife is dealing with, then it can affect her in many areas of life.

Low self-esteem can take on many different forms, so don't think that just because your wife doesn't show the classic signs of low self-esteem that it’s not something she lives with. 

You've Broken Her Trust

Another reason that your wife might not be interested in being intimate with you is if you've broken her trust in the past. If you had an affair, or anything along those lines, or hurt her, she might be uncomfortable being vulnerable with you in that way. It can also remind her of what you have done and even potentially cause her emotional pain.

If you've broken trust in your relationship and you and your wife are trying to stay together, marriage counseling can be very effective at helping you rebuild a healthy relationship. Cheating doesn’t have to end a relationship, and you can still find ways to love each other and re-build that trust.

She Doesn't Feel Loved

Your wife might seem distant in the bedroom because she doesn't feel loved or attended to throughout the day. While some people feel that sexual intimacy is the same as showing love to their wife, sometimes wives feel different. It might be that your wife would appreciate you paying attention to her outside of the bedroom, which could help her to be more excited about making love when the time comes. Try to flirt with her, touch her, dance with her, and compliment her throughout the day without the end goal of sex.

She's Exhausted

If your wife is telling you that she's tired, it might not be an excuse she's trying to make, and it might be how she really feels. 

Many women have a lot of pressure on them from day today. Your wife might be trying to hold down the house, keep the family fed, work a part-time or full-time job, keep up with her hobbies and friends, and a long list of other things. This can leave her physically and mentally exhausted at the end of the day.

If you look at your wife's schedule, and you can see that she's overwhelmed, that she's taking on too much, or that there's just a lot to do around the house, jump in and help. Not only can this help keep some of the stuff off her to-do list so she won't be as tired, but it can also help her to appreciate you and want you even more.

She Has Changed

This one is last on the list because it's not a conclusion that you should jump too. If your ego has been hurt because she's been turning you down or making no effort to be with you intimately, you may begin to worry that she’s changed or that she could be having an affair.

If you start accusing her of having an affair and she's not doing anything wrong, you might add to the list of problems you have in your relationship.

Infidelity could be a possible cause, but it's not a conclusion that you should jump to on your own, especially without other signs of infidelity.

If this is a conversation that you need to have, and you feel that there is enough proof that you're concerned about the possibility, it can be best to involve a professional like a therapist in the conversation to help sort out all the details.

Is Your Relationship Having Intimacy Difficulties?


Reading through the information above, you may feel like you've been able to pinpoint where the problem could be in your relationship. You can use that information to start looking for ways that you can change it.

For example, if your wife's exhausted, then help her out. If you think there could be a physical problem that is bothering her, encourage her to see a doctor. If you can see that she has low self-esteem in other areas of her life, support her in getting the help that she needs.

You and your wife can address the situation together by talking to a marriage counselor. A licensed professional can help the two of you get to the bottom of your problems and figure out how to improve your relationship. It could help you rebuild trust with your wife after an affair, build self-esteem, or learn how to improve your communication in a relationship. In fact, one survey showed that 95% of couples who engage in online therapy say that the process has been helpful. A lot of people also say that they feel they can share more in online therapy than they feel comfortable sharing in a face-to-face scenario.

Many different things can factor into the intimate relationship that you have with your wife, and it's not always something that you can easily figure out on your own. That's where a therapist can help. However, the best way to start addressing it could be with a simple conversation with your wife if she’s open to it.

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