Can't Let Go? How To Be Less Clingy In Your Relationships
Relationships. Everyone seems to want them, and no wonder. A good relationship is a source of joy and fulfillment.
But relationships are also a tricky balancing act.
One of the toughest things to balance: how to enjoy the affection between you and your partner without becoming too clingy.
But what does that mean? And how do you know that it’s a problem? What’s “clingy” mean, anyway?
Am I too clingy?
If you’ve ever asked yourself this question, here are a few warning signs.
- Do you feel upset when your partner spends time with friends instead of you?
- Do you tag along with him everywhere?
- Do you contact her constantly via text message and social media?
- Do you get anxious or upset if he doesn’t respond to your messages immediately?
If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you might be too clingy.
So why is this a problem? Isn’t it good to be attentive to your partner and show her that you care?
Yes, in moderation. But if you are a super clingy boyfriend/girlfriend, you risk making your partner feel smothered and resentful. That’s not good for either of you and certainly not good for your relationship’s long-term health.
How to become less clingy
So what to do?
Here is your nine-step program to become less clingy in your relationship.
Develop other interests and hobbies
What incites your passion and makes your heart soar? Your partner does, of course, but what else?
If you focus on your partner to exclude other hobbies and interests, it’s a recipe for boredom and stagnation. And let’s be honest: no one likes that.
So spend time pursuing an activity that you enjoy. If nothing comes to mind, this might be a good time to pick up a new hobby. Take surfing lessons or join a dance class. Meet with the local garden club – volunteer at an animal shelter.
It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s an activity you can enjoy on your own without your partner’s company.
Then you’ll have some great stories to tell him about your adventures later…and it will only make the relationship stronger.
Give your partner space
The fact is, most people need space every once in a while. They need the freedom to think about their thoughts and inhabit their own space for a bit.
Make sure that you allow your partner that freedom so she doesn’t start to feel trapped.
If he wants to go out for a drink with friends, you can show that you care about him by allowing him space and freedom. This gives him the message that his needs and wants are important to you.
After all, you want your partner to spend time with you because she chooses to and wants to…not because you happen to be there every time she turns around.
Trust your partner
Why am I clingy? Wondering what’s really at the root of your clinginess?
For most people, it’s a lack of trust.
In other words, you’re afraid to let him have his space because you think he might abandon or betray you.
These trust issues could be leftover baggage from a past relationship or even from a rocky childhood. If someone lets you down when you depended on them, that can be not easy to overcome.
If you need help dealing with these issues, don’t hesitate to reach out to a good counselor to get to the bottom of them.
Because every time you become jealous or interrogate her about where she is, you’re communicating that you don’t trust her. And that gets old after a while.
Without trust, there isn’t much of a foundation for real, lasting love.
Build your confidence
Often, clinginess can stem from the false belief that you’re not competent to care for yourself.
You may feel helpless without your partner by your side and rely on her to help you solve problems.
But nothing could be further from the truth. You are perfectly able to take care of yourself if you need to.
Furthermore, your partner may feel pressured to rush to your rescue every time you need help, and this can be tiring after a while.
Practice doing small things by yourself, like going to the store or taking care of things around the house. Your confidence will grow as you begin to realize your independence.
Of course, it’s nice to have a partner at your side. But it’s empowering to know that you can also do many things on your own.
Your partner will admire and respect you more as you become more independent.
Work on physical boundaries
Physical touch is a wonderful way to express affection for your partner. Hugging, kissing, and holding hands are ways that the two of you can feel closer.
But have you come to rely on physical touching too much? Do you use it to reassure yourself that your partner is still there?
As with anything, physical touch can be taken too far. Some people feel trapped or smothered if they are being touched all the time. Sometimes, your partner might need a little space.
So pay attention if your partner tells you that the physical touching is getting to be too much. Notice what his boundaries are and respect them.
Remember that physical touch is not the only way to show affection. It’s possible to feel love for someone without needing to be touched all the time.
Spend time with friends and family
When was the last time you called a good friend? Or had lunch with your mother?
If you’re like most people, you’ve probably neglected some of these relationships ever since you and your partner became an item.
And if you’ve ever been dropped like a hot potato by a friend or loved one once they’ve begun a new relationship, you know how that feels.
So don’t neglect your friends and family. Instill a sense of balance in your relationships by setting aside time for each of the important people.
And don’t spend the entire time together talking about your partner, either. We all know how annoying that can be! Please give them a brief rundown of how things are going between the two of you, and then talk about other things happening in your life.
Spend time alone
Nothing can replace the insights and clarity to be gained by spending some time in solitude.
So discipline yourself to spend time alone, paying attention to your thoughts and feelings. Reconnect with your true self. Rediscover what makes you tick, your hopes, dreams, and passions.
In doing so, you establish your independence. You’re also taking the pressure off your partner by letting your partner know that you’re not dependent on him for your happiness. You can find it within yourself.
Use your alone time to do things that you enjoy. You might listen to a particular type of music that you love, and she’s not fond of it. Read a book. Watch a movie that you would never watch if she were there; or dance around the living room. Anything that gives you a reason to look forward to this time with yourself.
Spend less time on your phone
It’s all too easy to spend an entire day on your phone, interacting with your partner via text message, email, and social media. Gone are the days when we said goodbye to our partner in the morning and joyously awaited the opportunity to talk about our day with them when we saw them again. Now, with such easy path to our loved ones, there’s no need to ever say goodbye, even for a moment. This is both good and bad.
Realize that just because you can contact your partner at any time of the day or night does not necessarily mean that you should.
Remember that he needs time to focus on other things besides you. If you are distracting him from his work, activities, or friendships, he may become resentful.
So put down the phone for a while and find something else to do.
Takeaway
Communication is everything! Find a good moment to sit down with your partner and talk about your clinginess. Explain why you’re so clingy, where it comes from, and the kind of events that trigger it.
Once your partner understands your clinginess, she can work with you to try and overcome it.
It will also help you know the specific aspects of your clinginess that your partner finds most bothersome. Pinpoint the most problematic behaviors, and focus on each of them one at a time.
With collaboration and a plan in place, you will feel much calmer and in control, so you will your partner.
Clinginess can stifle and damage even the most promising of relationships. But with a little insight and hard work, you can ease up on the clinginess, freeing the two of you to enjoy the wonderful relationship that you deserve.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What causes clinginess in a relationship?
There are numerous reasons why someone might be clingy in a relationship. Oftentimes, there is some level of relationship trust issues. For someone clingy and needy, the reason they want to be close and speak to their partner all the time could be in response to broken trust or a lack of communication about needs in the relationship. It could also be because of broken trust or attachment issues from past relationships.
Self-confidence can also play a role in the cause of clinginess. People who are generally more insecure tend to be clingy and needy.
It’s common for partners in a new relationship to want to be entangled in each other’s lives and be together 24/7. When this new honeymoon phase, the excitement starts to wear off; however, it’s common for one or both partners to want more space. If one partner is super clingy in a relationship, it can feel suffocating and create an unhealthy dynamic.
Being clingy and needy in a relationship is attributed more often to women or the cliche “clingy girlfriend.” However, this may be more of a gender bias. Men and women can be equally clingy and needy for many of the same reasons. People are clingy in a relationship generally because they need more reassurance; it’s just how they constantly seek it out to contact their partner. They want to know that their partner is thinking about them and need to be reminded of this often.
If you’re needy in a relationship, you might consider reading more about attachment theory, try to understand your own needs, build up your confidence, or seek advice from a relationship expert.
Can being clingy ruin a relationship?
Yes. Put, being too clingy in a relationship can stifle it and potentially lead to its destruction. Clingy people feel like they often struggle to keep relationships. Whether it’s a new relationship or a long-standing one, if the clingy person in the relationship is always reaching out for their partner and in need of constant attention, they inevitably could push their partner further away.
Some people who were clingy in a relationship that failed can attest. It’s possible they became so wrapped up in their partner’s needs that they lose their sense of self. This can create an unhealthy dynamic, and it is often unattractive. Losing oneself and trying only to fulfill your partner’s needs can certainly contribute to the relationship ending due to clingy behavior.
How can I stop being clingy and needy?
If you’re clingy in a relationship with your partner, but feel like you can’t stop being clingy, consider communicating with your partner about it. Also, there are some important ways in which you can develop your sense of self.
First, you can try to focus on your interests and hobbies, or explore some new ones. For example, say you’ve always wanted to try to play the guitar– you can pick up the guitar as a new hobby. Maybe you could try to take language courses, join a yoga studio, or try surfing for the first time. You will naturally become less needy in your relationship if you are busy doing things to better yourself.
The most effective ways to stop being clingy in a relationship are to focus more on yourself and what you want to do and less on your partner and what they’re doing. Also, checking in on each other throughout the day can be sweet sometimes. That line can be crossed into clingy and needy territory if it’s, more often than not, one side. Remember, your partner has many things to focus on besides you at the end of the day, including their own self-growth. You being needy in a relationship will hinder this growth on both sides.
You can spend more time alone, out with friends or family. Make plans outside of your partner to help boost your personal life and sense of self. Build up your own confidence by taking more risks, expanding your skills, focusing on self-love, and connecting yourself on a deeper level.
Finally, you can talk to a relationship expert and perhaps someone who can help you communicate your needs to your partner.
How do you tell your partner they are too needy?
You can try speaking with your partner about how they feel. Instead of accusing someone of their clingy behavior, try digging a bit deeper and open up a dialogue about it.
If you have a clingy girlfriend or boyfriend, you can also tell them how you feel. For example, tell them how much you love and care for them but that it’s hard for you to get through your day sometimes because you feel distracted. Or perhaps it makes you feel guilty when you don’t respond right away while working or out with friends. Clingy people can change their behavior if they can get to the root of the problem.
Perhaps you can come up with ways to stop the clingy behavior together and strengthen your relationship with your partner.
How do I stop being so insecure?
If you feel insecure, you can try to build up your self-esteem through various confidence-building techniques. For example, some people like to write affirmations or leave notes to remind them that they are awesome, loveable, and capable. There are reasons people like you, including your partner, and appreciate who you are. You should believe them too!
You might also try challenging your thoughts. If you can’t stop feeling bad about yourself, you might end up being clingy in a relationship. If you’re clingy and needy in your relationship with your partner, this can be problematic. You might consider reading books or articles written by a relationship expert or speaking to one.
Thinking negative things about yourself is something you can work through by reading resources online, listening to podcasts, and talking with supportive friends. Also, you can try talking to a therapist who can help you overcome this obstacle and help you be more confident and less needy in a relationship.
What causes me to be clingy?
Is being clingy toxic?
How do you know if you're too clingy?
How long does clingy phase last?
What is a clingy personality?
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