Can't Let Go? How To Be Less Clingy In Your Relationships

Relationships: everyone seems to want them, and no wonder. A good relationship can be a source of joy and fulfillment. But relationships can also be a tricky balancing act. One of the toughest things to balance may be how to enjoy the affection between you and your partner without becoming too clingy. But what does that mean? And how do you know that it’s a problem?

Am I too clingy?

If you’ve ever asked yourself this question, here are a few warning signs to look out for.

• Do you feel upset when your partner spends time with friends instead of you?
• Do you tag along with him everywhere?
• Do you contact her constantly via text message and social media?
• Do you get anxious or upset if he doesn’t respond to your messages immediately?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you might be considered too “clingy.” So, why is this a problem? Isn’t it good to be attentive to your partner and show her that you care?

Yes, in moderation. But if you are a super clingy partner, you may risk making your partner feel smothered and resentful. That’s likely not good for either of you and almost certainly not good for your relationship’s long-term health. But what can you do to turn things around?

How to become less “clingy”

To become less attached to your partner, you’ll likely need to take a step back and build up your own sense of self. You can do this by investing in the things and activities that make you who you are.

Develop other interests and hobbies

What incites your passion and makes your heart soar? Your partner might, of course, but what else? If you focus on your partner to exclude other hobbies and interests, it’s likely a recipe for boredom and stagnation. And let’s be honest: almost no one likes that.

So, spend time pursuing an activity that you enjoy. If nothing comes to mind, this might be a good time to pick up a new hobby. Take surfing lessons or join a dance class. Meet with the local garden club – volunteer at an animal shelter. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s an activity you can enjoy on your own without your partner’s company.

Give your partner space

The fact is that most people need space every once in a while. They may need the freedom to think about their thoughts and inhabit their own space for a bit.

Make sure that you allow your partner that freedom so they don’t start to feel trapped. If they want to go out for a drink with friends, you can show that you care about them by allowing them space and freedom. This gives them the message that their needs and wants are important to you.

After all, you likely want your partner to spend time with you because they choose to, not because you happen to be there every time they turn around.

Trust your partner

If you find yourself asking, “Why am I clingy?” it might help to identify the root of the problem. For many people, it’s a lack of trust. In other words, you may be afraid to let your partner have their space because you think they might abandon or betray you.

These trust issues could be leftover baggage from a past relationship or even from a rocky childhood. If someone lets you down when you depended on them, that can be challenging to overcome.

However, without trust, there isn’t much of a foundation for real, lasting love. Work on trusting your partner wholly, even if it takes time and practice. It might help to have an open conversation about how you feel so you can identify ways to reassure your mind without holding your partner back.

Build your confidence

Often, clinginess can stem from the false belief that you’re not competent to care for yourself. You may feel lost without your partner by your side and rely on them to help you solve problems.

But it can be empowering to realize you don’t necessarily need anyone but yourself to thrive. Furthermore, your partner may feel pressured to rush to your rescue every time you need help, and this can be tiring after a while.

Practice doing small things by yourself, like going to the store or taking care of things around the house. Your confidence will likely grow as you begin to realize your independence.

Work on physical boundaries

Physical touch can be a wonderful way to express affection for your partner. Hugging, kissing, and holding hands are ways that the two of you can feel closer.

But have you come to rely on physical touching too much? Do you use it to reassure yourself that your partner is still there? As with anything, physical touch can be taken too far. Some people feel trapped or smothered if they are being touched all the time. Sometimes, your partner might need a little space.

So, pay attention if your partner tells you that the physical touching is getting to be too much. Notice what their boundaries are and respect them. Remember that physical touch is not the only way to show affection. It can also be possible to feel love for someone without needing to be touched all the time.

Spend time with friends and family

When was the last time you called a good friend? Or had lunch with your mother? If you’re like most people, you’ve probably neglected some of these relationships ever since you and your partner became an item.

And if you’ve ever been dropped like a hot potato by a friend or loved one once they’ve begun a new relationship, you likely know how that feels. Don’t neglect your friends and family. Instill a sense of balance in your relationships by setting aside time for each of the important people.

And don’t spend the entire time together talking about your partner, either. You may give them a brief rundown of how things are going between the two of you, but it’s likely best to then talk about other things happening in your life.

Spend time alone

Arguably nothing can replace the insights and clarity to be gained by spending some time in solitude. Discipline yourself to spend time alone, paying attention to your thoughts and feelings. Reconnect with your true self. Rediscover what makes you tick, your hopes, dreams, and passions.

In doing so, you can establish your independence. You’re likely also taking the pressure off your partner by letting your partner know that you’re not dependent on them for your happiness. You can find it within yourself.

Use your alone time to do things that you enjoy. You might listen to a particular type of music that you love, and your partner’s not fond of it. Read a book. Watch a movie that you would never watch if they were there, or dance around the living room. Anything that gives you a reason to look forward to this time with yourself.

Spend less time on your phone

It’s often all too easy to spend an entire day on your phone, interacting with your partner via text message, email, and social media. Gone are the days when we said goodbye to our partner in the morning and joyously awaited the opportunity to talk about our day with them when we saw them again. Now, with such easy path to our loved ones, there’s no need to ever say goodbye, even for a moment. This can be both good and bad.

Realize that just because you can contact your partner at any time of the day or night does not necessarily mean that you should. Remember that they may need time to focus on other things besides you. So, put down the phone for a while and find something else to do.

Communicate and work on your clinginess together

Communication is everything! Find a good moment to sit down with your partner and talk about your clinginess. Explain why you’re so clingy, where it comes from, and the kind of events that trigger it.

Once your partner understands your clinginess, they can likely work with you to try and overcome it. It may also help you understand the specific aspects of your clinginess that your partner finds most bothersome. Pinpoint the most problematic behaviors and focus on each of them one at a time.

With collaboration and a plan in place, you’ll likely feel much calmer and in control, so you will your partner.

If you need help navigating this process, don’t be afraid to reach out for support. Resources like online therapy can help you get to the bottom of why you feel clingy. Online therapy might also give you and your partner a space to openly discuss concerns and come to solutions. Plus, you don’t even have to leave home to attend sessions; all you’ll need is an internet connection and some safe space.

Research suggests that online therapy options aren’t any less effective than in-person treatment, either. Plus, couples in particular tend to find the experience beneficial. One study found that 95% of couples who engaged in online counseling thought the experience was helpful. See how online therapy can help you and your partner; get started sooner rather than later.

Takeaway

Clinginess can stifle and damage even the most promising of relationships. But with a little insight and hard work, you can ease up on the clinginess, freeing the two of you to enjoy the wonderful relationship that you deserve. Working with a therapist can be a huge step in the right direction, whether you pursue individual or couples therapy (or both).