What Makes A “Real” Man? Quotes About Toxic Masculinity

A quick perusal of a magazine reveals one distinct view of men: rippling muscles, eyes for women, and fearlessness. Although there is nothing inherently wrong with any of these things, the view of men often presented by the mainstream media almost entirely presumes traits such as aggression, stoicism, anger, and recklessness. When these traits are recognized, encouraged, and enforced, the result is toxic masculinity.

What is toxic masculinity?

But what exactly is “toxic masculinity”? The term was developed to describe the prevalence of unhealthy male stereotypes and their effects on the general public, including men. Toxic masculinity typically refers to a form of hyper-masculinity, that is, an assertive individual who does not show emotion (except perhaps anger or jealousy), fear, or weakness, and never cries, of course. While this sounds like a truly heinous combination of traits on paper, most marketing campaigns and media representations of men demonstrate how common and expected these hyper-masculine traits truly are.

Body type is also often factored into toxic masculinity. Men are expected to be large, strong, and prone to endurance. Anything less is derided as being feminine or not manly enough, and men are often socially punished until they conform to standard ideals. While some men might be able to escape these pressures, men generally give in to the pressures of “being a man,” i.e., suppressing their emotions and ignoring their emotional and mental needs. Ultimately, this means leading a life dramatically at odds with their own beliefs, desires, and hopes.

That said, some men may naturally feel most comfortable in a hyper-masculine role. So long as this does not lead to toxic attitudes or behaviors, this is perfectly acceptable, and space should be kept in society for all types of different men. This is the crux of non-toxic masculinity, i.e., accepting everyone for who they are deep down.

Does a “real” man exist?

This is a tricky question. Masculinity, femininity, and the concept of gender and gender roles are a complex amalgamation of biology and culture, nature and nurture. There are all different types of men; some may feel happiest embodying traditionally “masculine” traits, while others may feel happiest embodying more feminine traits.

In a healthy society, men are free to exist without the stigma of gender rules: they are free to dress up or down, indulge in all manner of hobbies, express themselves freely, and operate according to their values, rather than the values determined societal gender roles. For example, a teenage boy could pursue ice skating or ballet (rather than, say, football or baseball) without fearing negative judgment.

Overall, the claim that there’s such a thing as a “real” man is dubious. Rather, men have certain hormonal and biological tendencies, and these tendencies are arguably minuscule compared to the social framework that surrounds them.  

Quotes about toxic masculinity

Toxic masculinity has experienced some time in the limelight as of late, but much of what the term means, stands for, and encompasses is still misunderstood. Although it sounds entirely negative, recognizing toxic masculinity has arguably been a positive step. Highlighting the issue can help men and women reflect on gender roles and how they may or may not be contributing to harmful stereotypes about what masculinity is and should be.  

This is vital, as toxic masculinity affects everyone, regardless of gender. Understanding what it means also helps discourage the perpetuation of harmful attitudes toward gender in your children, friends, or parents. It can allow us to begin working through some of the reasons those beliefs might be in place.

Quotes on toxic masculinity are categorized below by type to add further depth and clarification to this issue.

Danger

“Men’s rights activists tend to make a series of valid observations from which they proceed to a single, 180-degree-wrong conclusion. They are correct to point out that suicide is the most common form of death for men under fifty worldwide. It’s also true that men are more likely than women to have serious problems with alcohol, that men die younger, that the prison population is 95 percent male, and that the lack of support for our returning frontline soldiers is a national disgrace. So far, so regrettably true.

However, they are incorrect to lay any of this at the door of ‘feminism,’ a term which they use almost interchangeably with ‘women.’ […]

No, sir. No, lads. No, Daddy. That won’t help us, and it won’t help anyone else. Men in trouble are often in trouble precisely because they try to Get a Grip and Act Like a Man. We are at risk of suicide because the alternative is to ask for help, which we have repeatedly told is unmanly. We are in prison because the traditional breadwinning expectation of manhood can’t be met, or the pressure to conform is too great, or the option of violence has been frowned upon but implicitly sanctioned since we were children.”

—Robert Webb, How Not To Be A Boy

As Robert Webb suggests, toxic masculinity is not merely a nuisance or a frustrating problem to tackle: it’s leading to actual deaths, men who are falling prey to its assumptions, which are not reaching out for help when they are sinking into depression, who are not calling out for help when they cannot provide for themselves or their families, and who are not crying out for help when hatred, bitterness, and fear are eroding their wills to live.

If you or a loved one are experiencing suicidal thoughts, be sure to reach out for help immediately. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 and can be reached at 988 or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.

Toxic masculinity is far more than a buzzword and a trendy topic: it is an example of the masculinity crisis that identifies a serious social problem.

Scope

Brené Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, said this of toxic masculinity: “When looking at the attributes associated with masculinity in the U.S., the same researchers identified the following: winning, emotional control, risk-taking, violence, dominance, playboy, self-reliance, primacy at work, power over women, disdain for homosexuality, and pursuit of status.”

Of course, toxic masculinity is a controversial topic. Some believe it is simply a nonsense term created to hold men down and assert women’s position as better human beings. Then some believe that it does not do enough to deconstruct gender roles and that more needs to do.

In either case, there is often some misunderstanding of the term. “Toxic masculinity” is not used to decry men as a whole; instead, it refers to a specific set of attributes that are not determined by sex, as some would suggest, but that is societally constructed, enforced, and encouraged. Identifying these traits is important, as they cannot be thoroughly dealt with without investigating what they are, where they come from, and what types of danger they impose on human society in general.

Hope

In The Hero’s Heart, Melia Keeton-Digby identifies one important aspect of looking to the future and away from toxic masculinity. She says, “As mothers raising sons, we have the power to change the trajectory of not only our own sons’ lives but also of the culture at large.” So, too, does the self-proclaimed “Polarity Expert,” S.J. Gold, who said, “In nature, Yin (feminine) and Yang (masculine) are balanced and equal. Just as in nature, if society values one over the other, it weakens both and creates an unnatural state, where harmony is lost, and turbulence is created.”

Although a single parent raising their son differently will, of course, not dramatically reshape a society, an entire generation of fathers and mothers raising males who believe in their ability to be fully fleshed-out humans with complex emotions, rich inner lives, and diverse likes and expectations can do a lot to overthrow an unhealthy societal construct, and this is the aim of both quotes: to demonstrate measurable change regarding toxic masculinity and make life a safer and more hospitable experience for the human race at large.

Real men and toxic masculinity

The traits associated with toxic masculinity are rooted in unhealthy and unrealistic behaviors and expectations, all of which can severely damage men and increase their rates of depression, suicide, substance abuse, and workaholism.

If you or a loved one are experiencing suicidal thoughts, be sure to reach out for help immediately. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 and can be reached at 988 or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.

While awareness of toxic masculinity is important, it is not enough to recognize what constitutes a toxic view of masculinity. Instead, armed with the knowledge of toxic masculinity, men and women can take concentrated actions to begin disputing the cultural narrative of what constitutes a “real” man in favor of a more genuine, wide-ranging, and complex notion of what being a male entails, without the weight of unrealistic and unfounded demands.

Explore your identity in online therapy

One of the first steps in escaping toxic masculinity can be seeking professional help such as online therapy. This can assist greatly in identifying and unraveling childhood trauma, pain, or conditioning that societal expectations of gender may cause. Whether you identify as male, female, or non-binary, you have doubtless been exposed to and affected by gender stereotypes that may have harmed both you and others, leading to the adoption of toxic masculinity as the normal, expected example of male behavior.