What Is Gaslighting In Relationships, And How Do I Get Help?

Gaslighting has become a standard term in mental health and relationships. Interestingly, the term came from a play rather than some form of psychological breakthrough, in which a married man makes his wife think she is crazy by suggesting she is imagining noises, seeing things that aren't there (including flickering gas lights), and has begun stealing without remembering the incidents. In the story, the husband has done all of this to make sure he can inherit his wife's money. In real life, the motives are usually far less sinister but no less damaging.

While the source material was intended as entertainment rather than a psychological commentary, it brought an interesting notion to light: in relationships, it is possible to inflict abuse by waging psychological warfare.

What exactly is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is any interaction in which one person manipulates another to make them question their memory, perceptions, or their very reality. In many cases, this manipulation initially seems innocuous; a partner or loved one might say, "What? I never said that!" in response to confrontation, or might insist, "You're being dramatic," when you suggest that they've hurt you or behaved in a hurtful way. Gaslighting can appear in romantic relationships, but you can also find it in familial relationships, friendships, and even the relationship between public figures and their constituents.

What is gaslighting, and how is it essentially emotional warfare? Gaslighting seeks to undermine someone's trust in themselves and their perceptions, to get their way, or evade trouble. What may at first serve as a simple form of ignoring your concerns can quickly turn dangerous? Forcing you to question yourself can lead to a loss of even the most basic trust in yourself, your reality, and your experiences, which can make you dangerously codependent and unable to function without your abuser. That is also why you must see the signs you're being gaslit as soon as possible to prevent further abuse.

What does gaslighting look like?

In romantic relationships, gaslighting often looks like accusing a partner of not trusting them (when trust is not warranted), of being dramatic or overreacting in an instance of reasonable reactions, questioning someone's memory or account of an experience, or simply denying that something happened (when it has happened). These instances can bleed over into other relationships, too.

In a familial relationship, gaslighting more often comes from a parent than anyone else, and usually involves exerting some form of control over a child's life. The parent could do this by encouraging a child to feel their wants and needs are selfish or cruel to the parent, or they may constantly question their child's decisions, ideas, and perceptions. Parents may be prone to gaslighting without realizing it, leading to disordered relationships in adulthood.

Finally, authority figures can use gaslighting to mislead the people under them. In the workplace, this might look like a supervisor making their workers feel as though they are out of line or in the wrong for questioning a poor decision, or it could look like a supervisor making inappropriate comments, then accusing anyone who brings those comments to light as being too sensitive or overreacting. 

Gaslighting can also be done by people in more significant positions of authority, such as politicians. The 2016 presidential elections were among the most distinct instances of authority-based gaslighting. Both of theU.S. presidential candidates were accused of gaslighting one another and the American public.

Who can gaslight?

Anyone can gaslight, and many people do not realize they are doing it. Gaslighting may be a part of rigid, strict households. These people are likely to see everything in the world as black and white, leading them to believe that anyone who disagrees with them is wrong. In these cases, gaslighting is often unintentional. It can be difficult to help someone in this situation, as they must first be aware of and acknowledge their propensity to manipulate.

Gaslighting is not relegated to people who grew up in households with strict rules and can be malicious and intentional. This is more likely to be true in abusive, codependent relationships and may even be tied to people with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits. People with NPD often manipulate partners and friends to ensure they do not leave the narcissist behind. In these cases, treating the narcissistic traits or NPD is the most effective way to ensure the gaslighting behavior does not continue.

What is the effect of gaslighting?

Unfortunately, the effects of relationship gaslighting are substantial. Because gaslighting aims to change perceptions and alter your ability to be grounded in reality, people who have experienced this form of abuse may begin to question their ability to distinguish fact from fiction and may feel as though they are going crazy. Fear can hold these individuals, hostage, essentially, as they are often too afraid to seek help. Gaslighters might also suggest that no one would believe them, that they are too sick to get help, or that they are just dramatic in thinking they are crazy.

Gaslighting can significantly rupture relationships between the gaslighter and the person they are manipulating and between them and their family. Trust is likely to be broken (possibly beyond repair) in a relationship, and codependence may emerge. Gaslighting forces one person to rely upon the other one entirely for their grasp on reality, and the person being gaslit can no longer trust themselves.

Relationships with loved ones can be altered, as many people feel they must start detaching from the people around them to preserve themselves or others. Unfortunately, many people who have been gaslit can isolate themselves entirely until only their abuser is trusted, perpetuating their predicament.

When to get help

Anyone being gaslit should consider getting help. Even if you have not completely lost your grasp on reality, it is not hard, nor does it take a lot of time to do so. Joint therapy could be helpful if the gaslighter does not know what they are doing. The two of you can learn how to engage in more effective, healthy communication techniques, and you can learn alternatives to rigid, all-or-nothing thinking.

You should also reach out to a trusted mental health professional if you suspect you are beginning to lose a grip on reality. You may start questioning yourself, your thoughts and perceptions, and your memory, relying more on the people around you for decision-making and understanding. You might even feel as though you cannot function at all without some form of assistance. This can be dangerous, and professional intervention can help you regain control of your life and reality.

How to get help

Getting help can involve several factors because gaslighting often involves abusive partners or loved ones. Usually, the person who is gaslighting you cannot be trusted to assist you in getting help. So, reaching out to a trusted loved one separate from your partner or whoever you suspect of gaslighting can be an essential first step in healing. This person can act as a source of support or, in cases where abuse has isolated you, can even help you get to a therapist to get help.

You can also contact a therapist's office directly and schedule an evaluation appointment. During your appointment, your therapist will likely ask you to go over your symptoms, when your symptoms began, and the relationships in your life that could have contributed to the onset of gaslighting symptoms. Your therapist might ask you to recall details of your relationship and your partner's actions. Some of these questions might be difficult or painful to answer, but honesty with your therapist will help both you and the therapist immensely in getting you the proper help and treatment.

If you are uncomfortable talking to someone in person or if you just want something more convenient and accessible, consider online therapy. With online treatment, you don’t have to worry about commuting to an office or being on a waiting list. You meet with your therapist in the comfort of your own home or anywhere you have an internet connection, and you can communicate with them via video chat, email, phone, or text. Research shows that online treatment is just as effective as in-person therapy, too. If you’re ready to learn more, get started with Regain.

Takeaway

Although "gaslighting" has gained traction recently, the phenomenon is not new and can be extremely dangerous. Any instance of gaslighting warrants seeking treatment and getting help for any symptoms that might arise. Even if gaslighting is not done intentionally, it is a form of abuse that can leave lasting psychological scars. Online therapy can help you navigate the effects of this kind of abuse.