Telltale Signs Of Emotional Distance In Relationships And How To Bridge The Gap
Every couple experiences signs of relationship strain to some degree. With ever-changing emotions, needs, responsibilities, and circumstances, it's virtually impossible to get it right 100% of the time. Sometimes, one or both partners become emotionally distant, making it difficult to communicate, connect, and solve problems within the relationship.
While identifying the signs of emotional distance is essential to bridging the gap, it's equally important for couples to avoid placing blame. Whether you or your partner have withdrawn, it's vital to recognize that distance tends to happen gradually. Most people don't realize there's a problem until they feel significantly detached from their partner.
While many factors can lead to distance, five common causes are explored below.
Five common causes of emotional distance
Relationships are complex, and getting to the root of any problem can be a complicated process. You and your partner may fit into more than one of the following categories. You'll notice that some of the common causes of emotional distance may result from one or both partners’ circumstances, unmet needs, or difficulty with communicating effectively. In contrast, others may be caused by an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
High levels of stress
Stress can negatively impact an individual's mental and physical health, which can be detrimental to their relationships. Stress is often multifaceted, and finding ways to cope may seem like yet another stressor. It's common to withdraw when stress becomes overwhelming. Unfortunately, social isolation can worsen things if it persists.
If you or your partner are struggling to connect due to stress, it's important to identify stressors and brainstorm ways to lessen them. In some cases, there may be an underlying mental health condition contributing, such as depression. Avoiding common pitfalls, working together as a couple, and seeking help can help you and your partner reconnect. While eliminating stress completely is impossible, recognizing that stress can contribute to the distance in your relationship can be a game-changer.
A need for more solo time
Believe it or not, spending too much time with your significant other may lead to an emotional rift. While a couple's time is important, virtually everyone needs alone time to some degree. Finding balance can be difficult, especially if you require less or more solo time than your partner.
It's well-documented that introverts, in particular, need plenty of time to rest and recharge on their own. Unlike extroverts, who typically prefer spending their free time with others, many introverts enjoy companionship in limited doses.
If you notice your partner being distant, check in to ensure that they are penciling in enough downtime regularly. Most of us need at least some solo time every day. Remember: the need for alone time doesn't mean your partner doesn't enjoy spending time with you or vice versa.
Unhappiness in the relationship
When a partner pulls away, it could signify that they have unmet needs within the relationship. Signs include emotional detachment and lack of intimacy. As always, communication is key to identify the problem(s) and make a plan to reconnect. You may need to take some time to process the conversation before responding respectfully. Be open about your needs throughout this process and encourage your partner to do the same.
If your significant other is nonresponsive or unwilling to talk one-on-one, couples therapy can be incredibly helpful. Regain can connect you with a licensed therapist who will help you navigate your unique situation. More on this later.
Differing love languages
As individuals, we all express and receive love differently. Some couples' love languages complement one another, while other duos' differing expressions and needs may make it difficult to connect. One person may respond well to quality time, while their partner feels more connected through physical touch.
Author Gary Chapman's bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages, can help you understand your partner's love language and your own. You can also take this free quiz together to learn your love languages.
Differing emotional needs
In addition to identifying your love languages, it's important to recognize that you and your partner likely have different emotional needs. A destructive cycle can negatively affect the relationship when couples fail to recognize and honor these differences.
Sometimes, one partner may be perceived as clingy, while the other partner values personal space. The partner who prefers more closeness may sense their partner pulling away, and cling tighter in an effort to become closer. This can cause a vicious cycle that's difficult to break. Both partners must be open to understanding each other's emotional needs.
Signs of a healthy relationship
Before diving into the telltale signs of distance in a relationship, it's essential to acknowledge the positive aspects of your relationship. Below, you'll find some of the key ingredients to a healthy romantic connection:
- An open and honest conversation
- Active listening
- Physical and mental connection
- Vulnerability (opening up about your dreams, desires, fears, etc.)
- Sexual intimacy
- Verbal expressions of love
- Enjoyable experiences
- Effective conflict resolution
- Mutual support and encouragement
- A conscious effort to meet your and your partners' emotional needs
- Clear boundaries
- Showing your love through meaningful acts
As mentioned previously, every relationship has its highs and lows, and intimacy and closeness are sure to ebb and flow naturally. A simple checklist can't define the success of your relationship. It can be helpful to weigh both the healthy and unhealthy aspects of your partnership.
Signs of emotional distance
Recognizing the markers of distance in a relationship is often the first step to repairing relationships. Common signs of emotional or psychological distance include:
- Withdrawal
- Unexplained irritability or anger
- Disinterest during conversations
- Lack of affection
- Indifference during conflicts
- Picking petty fights
- An apathetic response to your emotions
- Disinterest in physical intimacy
- A disregard for your needs, wishes, etc.
- Little or no effort to make you feel loved
- Refusal to work on the relationship
- Lack of future relationship plans
Bridging the gap and repairing your relationship
Some couples find it helpful to view their relationships in terms of "seasons" rather than a long, continuous journey. This is an excellent way to see the partnership from a fresh perspective, and it can keep one or both partners from jumping to conclusions regarding the fate of the relationship. The knowledge that a new season is right around the corner can lessen the urgency to "fix" problems in a hurry, giving the couple the necessary time and space to take thoughtful steps in a positive direction.
Along with viewing each stage of your relationship as a season, you and your partner can strengthen your bond by actively bridging the gap. Remember: The emotional distance between you occurred gradually, and it will likely take some time to find your way back to each other. The following steps can help:
Build (or rebuild) an attachment
Self-esteem plays a big role in attachment. Individuals with low self-esteem can greatly benefit from individual exercises and/or therapy to build their confidence, which can positively impact their relationship with their partner, too. It's essential to recognize your own emotional needs and learn to express them authentically and gently to both your and your partner.
Practice responding instead of reacting and never resort to manipulative behaviors.
Consciously change the way you communicate
It's virtually impossible to repair a relationship without open communication. It's normal for patterns to form in relationships, but when an ineffective communication pattern develops, both parties must make a conscious effort to break this unhealthy cycle.
Practice active listening by fully engaging with your partner and avoiding distractions. Avoid being critical and practice nonjudgment for yourself and your partner. Creating and maintaining this safe space can open the door to more positive interactions and help break the previous unhelpful pattern.
Be vulnerable
As Dr. Brené Brown says, "Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection."
According to Scientific American, we are wired for connection. It's difficult to connect with a partner when there's a pattern of keeping them at arm's length. Breaking down our defenses and being vulnerable takes great strength and courage, even with our significant others.
Vulnerability requires resisting the urge to criticize, accuse, or withdraw. It requires confiding in your partner, using "I need" statements, and being respectful. Keep in mind that each partner's willingness and ability to open up may not perfectly coincide. Patience and understanding are key when it comes to being vulnerable.
Get creative
Awkward face-to-face conversations can magnify the pressure to mend the relationship. Find what works for you and your partner and prioritize time to engage in an activity you both enjoy regularly.
How couples therapy can help
Couples therapy can be a helpful resource for couples struggling to connect. If you or your partner have shut down or have difficulty opening up, Regain's online therapy services can open up the lines of communication and help bring you closer together. Our therapy services can be utilized anywhere you have an internet connection, and you can choose whether they’re held via video chat, phone call, in-app messaging, or live voice recordings.
Online therapy can be just as effective as in-person therapy for a variety of mental health conditions and concerns. For example, the National Center for Health Research analyzed dozens of studies, finding that anxiety, depression, relationship troubles, trauma, and PTSD can be just as successfully treated using internet-based therapy as they can be using traditional therapy.
Takeaway
While strengthening your relationship will take time, energy, and effort, it's well worth the investment. By making your relationship a priority, you and your partner will enjoy the perks of a bright new season. If you think that your relationship might benefit from non-biased professional help, you can try out Regain whenever you’re ready.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How do you know if someone is emotionally distant?
It can be difficult to tell if someone is actively trying to emotionally distance themself, or if there is something else bothering them that may have nothing to do with the emotional distance in couples. You or your partner may not feel emotionally engaged every day of your relationship, which is normal. Emotional distance in couples for short periods of time can be natural, but try communicating with your partner if you fear it is a problem.
A common phenomenon in relationships can be the seemingly random emotional distance that can occur. When someone stops being communicative and seems emotionally disengaged, this can signify emotional distance in couples. Other signs that show that one or both partners are possibly emotionally unavailable include:
- Withdrawal from partner, family, and friends
- Not paying attention during conversations and other intimate moments
- Closed off
- Refusal to work on relationship problems
What causes emotional distance?
If there is emotional distance in couples, there can be multiple factors that could explain it. These causes may relate to one person’s inability to communicate with their partner effectively. Other reasons could involve unhealthy relationship dynamics that both parties can resolve by identifying problem areas. By realizing that some factors may lead to someone being less communicative and emotionally disengaged, you may understand how to salvage your relationship. These reasons may be because of:
Increased levels of stress
Stress and emotional distress can negatively impact a person’s mental health, which may create emotional distance in couples. For instance, your partner might be dealing with strict deadlines and intense pressure at their job. Instead of coming to you for comfort, they may express their emotional distress by withdrawing.
If their deadline comes and goes, you or your partner may not feel as stressed and become comfortable talking to you about how they felt. But if this continues for a longer period of time, emotional drifting can occur, in which you or your partner may feel alone in worrying about the stress.
Differing personalities
Someone may become emotionally unavailable due to not devoting enough time to care for themselves. For instance, introverted individuals may need to recharge their energy by being alone at times. You can ease your partner’s stress and emotional distress by understanding their perspective and giving them the time they need.
Fundamental relationship problems
If there is emotional distance between partners, it could signify deeper relationship problems. One person may feel emotionally disconnected from their partner because of a lack of passion or interest in the relationship. Another reason may be that a person’s partner is not meeting their needs and desires in a relationship.
One way to potentially prevent emotional distance in couples is to communicate about the current state of the relationship. Couples may work together to avoid feeling emotionally disconnected by attending therapy or identifying potential issues in their relationship. Another reality may be that both people are not interested in continuing the relationship. Emotional distance could indicate that a breakup could be best for one or both people.
How do you close emotional distance?
When emotional drifting occurs in any relationship, it may feel frustrating not knowing how to close the emotional distance. You may have strong feelings for your partner but are unsure how to express them. On the other hand, you may notice that your partner is experiencing emotional distress by withdrawing from you and other loved ones, but you do not know enough to help them. Distance doesn’t typically disappear in a relationship.
The gap could continue to widen unless the couple decides to take action. This action can materialize in different ways. You could begin by first spending time alone to consider possible causes. Has work been affecting the relationship’s mood? Could there be personal issues that are bothering either you or your partner?
Before communicating with your partner about the relationship’s emotional distance, you may want to understand what you intend to talk about. Choosing specific subjects and discussing them with your partner could help you discover the root cause of the emotional distance. Furthermore, you are showing your partner how much time you have spent thinking about the relationship, which may also encourage them to give the same amount of time to pursue closing the emotional gap.
After talking with your partner, you could come up with actions that could benefit the relationship. One potential solution could be to spend some time away from your partner. The distance doesn’t mean your relationship is over; instead of spending time on the relationship, you spend time on what you want. Another option could be to seek the advice of a therapist and get an outsider’s perspective on the relationship. An unbiased viewpoint may bring to light certain problems that neither you nor your partner observed in the relationship.
What does it mean to be emotionally close to someone?
When you are emotionally close to someone, maybe your worries melt away while you are spending time with them. You could feel as if you can tell them anything without fear of being judged. This phenomenon in relationships occurs when both parties are honest and open about everything in their lives.
Emotionally engaged partners are also comfortable being in each other’s presence. Instead of spending their time constantly talking to each other, emotionally engaged couples may feel at peace and grateful for quiet moments with their loved ones. This is a common phenomenon in relationships in which two people express their true selves to one another. But that is not to say that this phenomenon in relationships is an easy feat for any couple to experience. Communication and vulnerability may help people to become emotionally close to others.
When do you feel a connection with someone? do they feel it too?
A wonderful phenomenon in relationships is feeling an intimate connection with your partner. Unfortunately, just because you feel a connection with someone, they may not necessarily reciprocate those feelings. If you want to know that your partner also feels the same connection, the simplest way to find out is by asking them directly.
Asking your partner about feeling a special connection may feel scary, but the most emotionally engaged relationships are about being open and honest with your loved one. Being your true self will also mean exhibiting vulnerable behavior, which can increase emotional closeness.
- Previous Article
- Next Article