Every couple experiences relationship highs and lows. With ever-changing feelings, emotions, needs, responsibilities, and circumstances, it's virtually impossible to get it right 100% of the time. Sometimes, one or both partners become emotionally distant, making it difficult to communicate, connect, and solve problems within the relationship. When she pulls away, what do you do?
While identifying the signs of emotional distance is essential to bridging the gap, it's equally important for couples to avoid placing blame. Whether you or your partner have withdrawn, it's vital to recognize that distance tends to happen gradually. Most people don't realize there's a problem until they feel significantly detached from their partner.
While many factors can lead to distance, five common causes are highlighted in the next section.
5 Common Causes Of Emotional Distance
Relationships are complex, and getting to the root of any problem can be a complicated process. You and your partner may fit into more than one of the following categories. You'll notice that some of the common causes of emotional distance result from one partner's circumstances, unmet needs, and inability to communicate effectively. In contrast, others are caused by an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
Stress can wreak havoc on an individual's mental and physical health, which can be equally detrimental to their relationships. Stress is often multifaceted, and finding ways to cope may seem like yet another stressor. It's common to withdraw when stress becomes overwhelming. Unfortunately, social isolation tends to make things worse.
If you or your partner are struggling to connect due to stress, it's important to identify stressors and brainstorm ways to lessen stress. In some cases, there may be an underlying mental health condition, such as depression. Avoiding common pitfalls, working together as a couple, and seeking help can help you and your partner reconnect. While eliminating stress is impossible, recognizing that stress contributes to the distance in your relationship can be a game-changer.
Believe it or not, spending too much time with your significant other may lead to an emotional rift. While a couple's time is important, everyone needs alone time. Finding balance can be difficult, especially if you require less or more solo time than your partner.
It's well-documented that introverts, in particular, need plenty of time to rest and recharge on their own. Unlike extroverts, who typically prefer spending their free time with others, many introverts enjoy companionship in limited doses.
If your partner has become emotionally distant, check in to ensure that they are penciling in enough downtime regularly. Most of us need at least some solo time every day. Remember: The need for alone time doesn't mean your partner doesn't enjoy spending time with you.
When a partner pulls away, it could signify that they have unmet needs within the relationship. Signs include emotional detachment and lack of intimacy. As always, communication is key to identify the problem(s) and make a plan to reconnect. Be compassionate with your partner, and offer a safe space for them to share thoughts, feelings, concerns, etc. It's important not to interject. You may need to take some time to process the conversation before responding respectfully. Be open about your needs throughout this process and encourage your partner to do the same.
If your significant other is nonresponsive or unwilling to talk one-on-one, couples therapy can be incredibly helpful. ReGain can connect you with a licensed therapist who will help you navigate your unique situation. More on this later.
As individuals, we all express and receive love differently. Some couples' love languages complement one another, while other duos' differing expressions and needs make it difficult to connect. One person may respond well to quality time, while their partner feels connected through physical touch.
Author Gary Chapman's bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages, will help you understand your partner's love language, as well as your own. You can also take this free quiz together to learn your love languages.
In addition to identifying your love languages, it's important to recognize that you and your partner likely have different emotional needs. When couples fail to recognize and honor these differences, a destructive cycle can negatively affect the relationship.
One partner may be perceived as clingy in some cases, while the other partner values personal space. The clingier person may sense their partner pulling away and cling tighter to become closer. This can cause a vicious cycle that's difficult to break. Both partners must be open to understanding each other's emotional needs.
Signs Of A Healthy Relationship
Before diving into the telltale signs of distance in a relationship, it's essential to acknowledge the positive aspects of your relationship. Below, you'll find the key ingredients to a healthy romantic connection:
As mentioned previously, every relationship has its highs and lows, and all of the signs, as mentioned above, are sure to ebb and flow. A simple checklist can't define the success of your relationship. It can be helpful to weigh both the healthy and unhealthy aspects of your partnership.
Signs Of Emotional Distance
Recognizing the markers of distance in a relationship is often the first step to repairing relationships. Common signs of emotional or psychological distance include:
Bridging The Gap And Repairing Your Relationship
Some couples find it helpful to view their relationships in terms of "seasons" rather than a long, continuous journey. This is an excellent way to see the partnership from a fresh perspective, and it can keep one or both partners from jumping to conclusions regarding the fate of the relationship. The knowledge that a new season is right around the corner can lessen the urgency to "fix" problems in a hurry, giving the couple the necessary time and space to take steps in a positive direction.
Along with viewing each stage of your relationship as a season, you and your partner can strengthen your bond by actively bridging the gap. Remember: The emotional distance between you occurred gradually, and it will likely take some time to find your way back to each other. The following steps can help:
Forming a secure attachment with your partner will help you feel connected, safe, and secure without relinquishing your independence. Couples with a secure attachment tend to be more satisfied than duos with an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment type.
Self-esteem plays a big role in attachment. Individuals with low self-esteem can greatly benefit from individual therapy. It's essential to recognize your own emotional needs and learn to express them authentically and gently.
To help build a secure attachment, be equally gentle and upfront with your significant other. Practice responding instead of reacting and never resort to manipulative behaviors.
It's virtually impossible to repair a relationship without open communication. It's perfectly normal for patterns to form in relationships, but when an ineffective communication pattern develops, both parties take a conscious effort to break this unhealthy cycle.
Practice active listening by fully engaging with your partner and avoiding distractions. Give your partner space to share their thoughts and feelings, and consider your response instead of reactive. Avoid being critical and practice nonjudgment for yourself and your partner. Creating and maintaining this safe space will open the door to more positive interactions and help break the previous unhelpful pattern.
As Dr. Brené Brown says, "Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection."
According to Scientific American, we are wired for connection. It's incredibly difficult to connect with a partner when there's a pattern of keeping them at arm's length. Breaking down our defenses and being vulnerable takes great strength and courage, even with our significant others.
Vulnerability requires resisting the urge to criticize, accuse, or withdraw. It requires confiding in your partner, using "I need" statements, and being respectful. Keep in mind that each partner's willingness and ability to open up may not perfectly coincide. Patience and understanding are key when it comes to being vulnerable.
Awkward face-to-face conversations can magnify the pressure to mend the relationship. Many couples find it helpful to connect through a shared activity, such as walking or playing a board game. Find what works for you and your partner, and prioritize time to engage in an activity you both enjoy regularly.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
Couples therapy can be an extremely helpful resource for couples struggling to connect. If you or your partner have shut down or has difficulty opening up, ReGain's online therapy services can open up the lines of communication and help bring you closer together.
While strengthening your relationship will take time, energy, and effort, it's well worth the investment. By making your relationship a priority, you and your partner will enjoy the perks of a bright new season.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
How do you know if someone is emotionally distant?
You may notice that someone is starting to emotionally distance within a couple if that person does not actively care about the current state of the relationship. It can be difficult to tell if someone is actively trying to emotionally distance themself, or something else bothering them that may have nothing to do with the emotional distance in couples. You or your partner may not feel emotionally engaged every day of your relationship, which is perfectly normal. Emotional distance in couples for short periods of time can be natural, but try communicating with your partner if you fear it is a problem.
A common phenomenon in relationships can be the seemingly random emotional distance that can occur. When someone stops being communicative and emotionally disengaged, this can signify emotional distance in couples. Other signs that show that one or both partners are possibly emotionally unavailable include:
What causes emotional distance?
If there is an emotional distance in couples, there can be multiple factors that could explain it. These causes may relate to one person’s inability to communicate with their partner effectively. Other reasons could involve unhealthy relationship dynamics that both parties can resolve by identifying problem areas. By realizing that some factors may lead to someone being less communicative and emotionally disengaged, you may understand how to salvage your relationship. These reasons may be because of:
How do you close emotional distance?
When emotional drifting occurs in any relationship, it may feel frustrating not knowing how to close the emotional distance. You may have really strong feelings for your partner but are unsure how to express them. On the other hand, you may notice that your partner is experiencing emotional distress by withdrawing from you and other loved ones, but you do not know enough to help them. Distance doesn’t typically disappear in a relationship.
The gap could continue to widen unless the couple decides to take action. This action can materialize in different ways. You could begin by first spending time alone to consider possible causes. Has work been affecting the relationship’s mood? What about your financial security? Could there be personal issues that are bothering either you or your partner?
Before communicating with your partner about the relationship’s emotional distance, you may want to understand what you intend to talk about. Choosing specific subjects and discussing them with your partner could help you discover the root cause of the emotional distance. Furthermore, you are showing your partner how much time you have spent thinking about the relationship, which may also encourage them to give the same amount of time to pursue closing the emotional gap.
After talking to your partner, you could come up with actions that could benefit the relationship. One potential solution could be to spend some time away from your partner. The distance doesn’t mean your relationship is over; instead of spending time on the relationship, you spend time on what you want. Another option could be to seek the advice of a therapist and get an outsider’s perspective on the relationship. An unbiased viewpoint may bring to light certain problems that neither you nor your partner observed in the relationship.
What does it mean to be emotionally close to someone?
When a partner is emotionally close to someone, maybe your worries melt away while you are spending time with them. You could feel as if you can tell them anything without fear of being judged. This phenomenon in relationships occurs when both parties are honest and open about everything in their lives.
Emotionally engaged partners are also comfortable being in each other’s presence. Instead of spending their time constantly talking to each other, emotionally engaged couples may feel at peace and grateful for quiet moments with their loved ones. This is a common phenomenon in relationships in which two people express their true selves to one another. But that is not to say that this phenomenon in relationships is an easy feat for any couple to experience. Communication and vulnerability may help people to become emotionally close to others.
When do you feel a connection with someone? Do they feel it too?
A wonderful phenomenon in relationships is feeling an intimate connection with your partner. Unfortunately, just because you feel a connection with someone, they may not necessarily reciprocate those feelings. If you want to know that your partner also feels the same connection, the simplest way to find out is by asking them directly.
Asking your partner about feeling a special connection may be embarrassing, but the most emotionally engaged relationships are about being open and honest with your loved one. Being your true self will also mean exhibiting vulnerable behavior. Temporary discomfort with sharing your emotions could ultimately lead to a deeper connection and clarity about your relationship.