I'm Intimidated by My Girlfriend's Sexual History. What Do I Do?
Overcoming the jealousy associated with a partner's past sexual history is entirely doable if you invest time and effort. Feeling intimidated by the number of people your girlfriend has slept with is a problem you can address internally. You can't change her past, and if you want the relationship to succeed, it's up to you to move past your jealousy. You can also choose to end the relationship because of your discomfort; you are allowed to discontinue your relationship for any reason.
Dating someone with an extensive sexual history
Both men and women express equal reluctance to enter into a relationship with someone with many sexual partners. However, determining what qualifies as too many sexual partners is up to the individual. Every person can decide what they will and will not accept in a relationship. Some may be perfectly fine with a person who has had many sexual partners, and others may see it as a dealbreaker.
Examining the data surrounding what is typical may offer some insight. The median number of sexual partners across the lifespan is four for women and six for men. However, sleeping with more people isn't uncommon. Nearly 25 percent of women in the United States reported having sex with more than ten partners, and 40 percent of men reported hitting double-digits.
No moral or ethical imperative makes it unacceptable to sleep with many people. However, an extensive sexual history can sometimes indicate underlying problems. Research has indicated that those with a high number of partners are at risk for developing substance use disorders later in life. The reason for this link is unknown, but it is possible that a person could use sexual encounters to avoid managing other issues in their life that could affect their mental health.
Jealousy
Jealousy is a complex emotion associated with anger, sadness, and fear. Jealousy arises when a person perceives a threat to something important to them. It can be directed at almost anything, whether that thing is real or perceived. Jealousy serves an important function in self-protection and, in some cases, protecting a relationship.
Even though your girlfriend's past partners are not interfering with your current relationship, you can still feel threatened by her sexual history. If someone is interfering with your and your girlfriend's relationship, no matter if they have slept together before, that's a different problem to address. Jealously surrounding a partner's sexual history is called retroactive jealousy and does not apply to things that may threaten the relationship presently.
Scientists still debate the source of feelings of jealousy. Western society tends to view a low number of sexual partners as a positive, and there is significant stigma associated with having sex with many partners. This may mean jealousy is a social construct driven primarily by social norms. In other words, you may feel jealous because you think that is normal and typical in society, not because there is any innate drive for jealousy in your mind.
Conversely, evolutionary psychologists suggest that jealousy is an innate part of the human mind. Jealousy may exist to motivate "mate guarding" or prevent others from taking your chosen mate from you. In prehistoric times, mate guarding may have evolved to keep men interested in women they impregnated to increase the chances that their offspring would survive. Today, however, the world is vastly more complex. Jealousy still serves a purpose, but the role and function are profoundly different.
Insecurity
Personal security is necessary for healthy interpersonal relationships. Insecurity is the absence of self-confidence, inability to cope, and uncertainty about self-worth. An insecure person relies on outside validation to feel good about themselves and is much more likely to rely on their partner for validation and support. While romantic partners should certainly support each other, an insecure person may require validation beyond what is typical in a healthy relationship.
If you're unsure about your confidence or know you have low self-worth, insecurity likely plays a role in your jealousy. If you don't feel secure in yourself, it may be difficult to believe you can find another girlfriend if you lose your current partner. Furthermore, low self-esteem can lead to rumination. Rumination is like obsession, featuring excessive, repetitive thoughts that interfere with other forms of mental activity. In other words, the more personal security you have, the easier it is to avoid thinking about your partner's sexual history.
Insecurity in your attachment to your girlfriend may also play a role in your jealous feelings. Security in a romantic relationship requires that both partners trust one another. You should examine your relationship for rational, realistic reasons why your girlfriend doesn't deserve your trust. If you find none, but you're still upset by your girlfriend's sexual history, it's likely the best way to address the problem is by improving your personal security.
How to manage your retroactive jealousy
To begin managing your feelings, remember that your girlfriend chose you. You are the one she is in a relationship with, not any of her past partners. If you trust your girlfriend to remain faithful in the relationship or follow whatever ground rules the two of you have decided on, it's essential to treat her as trustworthy.
It is especially important to take time to reflect on how much you trust your girlfriend. If trust isn't present in your relationship, that is a much larger underlying issue that needs to be addressed before tackling feelings of jealousy.
When you are ready to start addressing your negative feelings surrounding your girlfriend's past, you can try these things:
Communicate your insecurities
Communicating your feelings to your partner can help relieve some of your worry surrounding her sexual history. It's essential to communicate with your girlfriend without accusing or judging. Remember, you trust her to be faithful; the discussion isn't about her behavior. It's about your feelings. Focus on telling your girlfriend how you want affection and loyalty communicated in your relationship.
You can choose to discuss your girlfriend's past partners if you'd like to, as long as she is open to the discussion. Opinions on when, how, and how much should be shared vary considerably. Focus on your feelings; don't go digging for details. Discussing specifics of your girlfriend's past should be done in the context of your fears or insecurities. Keep the conversation focused on you and what you need from her to be happy. Do not judge or accuse.
Journal and visualize
Negative feelings can push positive ones out of your mind and cloud your judgment. If you're feeling retroactive jealousy, imagine getting an embrace or another loving gesture from your partner. Research suggests that visualizing times you felt supported by your partner can significantly reduce feelings of jealousy. Even just imagining an affectionate touch can be helpful. The point is to consciously introduce positive feelings for your partner when you are actively experiencing feelings of jealousy or anxiety about her past relationships.
If you aren't feeling upset in the moment, you can help reduce future feelings of jealousy by journaling about positive experiences you've had with your partner. The experiences don't need to be large events or big memories. Journaling about a recent moment of affection or a time when you felt your partner's attachment to you is more than enough.
A therapist can help
If you're struggling to manage your feelings, consider meeting with a therapist. Online therapy offers a simple way to bring your concerns to a licensed therapist. The process is entirely remote; you and the therapist conduct sessions virtually. They can help you build self-esteem, analyze insecurities in your relationship, or give you a non-judgmental space to discuss your feelings. Therapists who practice online use the same methods as traditional therapists. The treatment approaches are evidence-based and reliable. Furthermore, they are just as effective when administered online.
Takeaway
Feeling retroactive jealousy over your girlfriend's sexual history can be distressing. There are social and personal factors at play, and it's up to you to decide how you will proceed in your relationship. If you're uncomfortable with the number of people your girlfriend has slept with, exiting the relationship is perfectly fine. You can leave any relationship at any time, for any reason. However, if you want to maintain the relationship, it's up to you to manage your feelings. Feelings of jealousy often come from insecurity, and improving your confidence will likely help. Communicating with your partner and recognizing affectionate moments is also beneficial.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Should I worry about my GF's past?
If your concerns are related to her sexual history and everything in her past has been safe and consensual, the short answer is no. If she's had a lot of consensual sexual partners and hasn't betrayed any previous partnership through cheating, there's no reason to worry about her past. You may have fear based thoughts if you have your own personal insecurities or if there's a disparity between your sexual experience and hers. If this is true for you, seeing a couple's therapist or sex therapist might be helpful.
If your concern with your girlfriend's past is related to something else, such as infidelity, that's a different story. If she's cheated using dating apps or has cheated by other means in prior relationships, trust may be a concern, especially if the incident was recent or if she is treating it like it's no big deal.
Trust is an extremely important part of a relationship, so if you intend to have a long-term relationship or move forward, it is vital that you work through this either on your own or with the help of a mental health provider. Being sexually experienced doesn't mean that someone's not trustworthy, and it is not a reason to worry for any purpose. Everyone has a different life style, including as it pertains to sex. If you are dating someone, it is important to have respect for your girlfriend's choices and what she's decided to do with her body and sexual exploration.
Now that she's in a relationship with you, you have likely talked about your relationship and understand what each other's expectations are in terms of monogamy or non-monogamy. If there's open communication and trust, you have a strong foundation to make this a healthy partnership.
What is the average number of girlfriends a guy has?
The average number of significant others a person has had when they meet you will depend on a variety of factors, including their age, their life circumstances, and when they started dating or dating seriously. Some people date their high school sweetheart well into college, whereas other people start on the dating scene only after they graduate from college or later. Everyone is unique. Statistically speaking, a man will have six relationships total two long-term relationships before he finds the person she wants to be with indefinitely and considers to be "the one."
Should I ask my girlfriend how many guys she's slept with?
It is normal and healthy to have an open conversation about your level of sexual experience or number of previous sexual partners. It's definitely not small talk, but conversations around sex and sexual health don't need to be as intimidating as they may seem. There's no harm in talking about how many sexual partners you've had or what you've tried or have yet to try if you are thinking of being intimate with one another. That said, be careful with how you ask. It's essential that your girlfriend feels accepted by you.
When you date someone, be careful not to assume that they'll be faithful or unfaithful based on how many sexual partners they've had. In a way, the intent behind this question matters more than the question itself. If you aim to compare yourself, know that if your girlfriend's with you, it's because she wants you, and there's no comparison needed. Regardless of the number of sexual partners you've had, it is important to make sure that you get tested before being intimate. You can never be too safe, even if you've only had one or two sex partners.
Why am I jealous of my girlfriend's exes?
If you're into someone, it's easy to get jealous at the thought of anyone else taking your place. It's natural that you want to be prince charming or that you want to be the best that she's ever had. The chances are that if she's with you, she does see you as the best she's ever had, and she would choose you over anyone else. Many people worry that they're bad at sex, that they're not sexually experienced enough for a partner who has slept with a larger number of people, or that they will seem awkward or like they don't know what they're doing while being physically intimate.
Everyone has unpolished, uncomfortable, or even embarrassing moments during their sex life, and it's important not to take those times too seriously. Try to laugh off any awkward moments and ask your partner what makes them feel good as well as what they don't like. Communication can help in any area of relationships, including when it comes to sex.
Does your girlfriends' past matter?
When it comes to a person's sexual history, the amount of sexual partners they've had doesn't matter. It is important to maintain sexual health and to get tested, but it doesn't say anything about a person or how faithful They will be to you. If you're dating someone, you've moved past the point of talking on dating apps or being in the friend zone. If she is your girlfriend, she likes you, but if you have any concerns related to sex or your relationship, it's important that you bring them up to your girlfriend.
Even if you have insecurities, communicating about them will help. It's more likely that she'll say, "I'm glad we started talking about this" than it is for her to shut the conversation down. Communication will help you to avoid any concerns you have about your partnership, the commitment in the relationship, and so on. Communication is foundational in both short term or long term relationships, and it is a major part of what makes a relationship last.
How do you tell if she has slept with someone else?
The best way to figure out if your girlfriend has slept with someone else is to ask. If someone told you that your girlfriend is sleeping with someone else, be upfront, and bring it up. The same is true for if you find a tangible item, like someone else's clothes, that leaves you wondering. Maybe, you noticed that she's been on dating apps, or your friend came across her profile on dating apps. If that's the case, bring up the dating apps specifically and ask what's up.
In other cases, such as those where you notice that something's off but aren't quite sure what it is, an open conversation is your best bet. Maybe, her body language has been tense, there seems to be a lack of affection, she won't make eye contact when the topic comes up where she usually would in conversation, or she's been distant. In this case, it's best to talk about how you feel rather than being accusatory unless you have tangible proof. Start the conversation by saying that things feel off and asking what's going on or if she's okay. There are many possibilities when something just feels "off," and if you don't know what it is, it's important not to assume.
What does it mean when a guy asks how many guys you slept with?
Usually, when someone asks this question, they're trying to gauge their differences in sexual experience with another person. You might be sexually experienced, and he may not be, or vice versa. Sometimes, people have insecurities surrounding their level of sexual experience. Unfortunately, stereotypes surrounding "party girls" or what it means to be a "good girl" can make it hard to talk about sexual experiences.
With your partner, you should feel comfortable and assured that you aren't being judged. Sometimes, a partner will also ask this question out of curiosity alone. If you aren't coupled but are on dating apps and someone asks how many guys you've slept with as their opening line, they're likely asking because they're using dating apps to hook up. If you're on dating apps to find a long term partner, someone who starts off on this foot might not be the way to go.
Can my boyfriend tell if I slept with someone else?
It is crucial to be honest with your partner. If you are sleeping with other people, on dating apps, or doing anything else that steps outside of the conditions of your relationship, it's vital that you let your boyfriend know. When it comes to sex people need to know if you are sleeping with someone outside of the relationship for more reasons than trust alone. It's also a safety issue, with the potential of STDs or STIs considered. Whether or not he can tell, you must be upfront with him and do what you need to do to amend the issue.
If you're wondering if a current partner can tell if you've slept with people prior to the relationship, the short answer is no. Remember that your past doesn't define you and that the person you're with must respect your experiences. If you're getting into a new relationship and someone shames you, don't stand for it. You have autonomy and the ability to make your own choices. If you're struggling with relationships or your sex life, don't be afraid to reach out to a mental health provider who can help. Whether you see someone online through a website at ReGain or speak to someone in your local area, you can get the support you need.
How can you tell if a girl has had a lot of partners?
How many guys does the average girl slept with before marriage?
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