Seven Things To Consider Before Starting A Dominant/Submissive Relationship
Many people are interested in the idea of entering a dominant/submissive relationship, in which power dynamics are used to enhance sexual pleasure. The dominant/submissive (also called dom/sub or D/s) dynamic can be a lot of fun, often spicing up the intimacy between consenting partners; but it can also be tricky to navigate, particularly if you’ve never participated in this type of relationship. If you are intrigued by the idea of being in a D/s relationship, then it might be a good idea to learn a bit more about it first. Below, we’ve listed seven things for you to consider prior to entering into a dominant/submissive relationship.
What is a dominant/submissive relationship?
A dominant/submissive relationship is a sexual dynamic in which one partner acts as an authority-type figure who exerts power in a sexualized manner. It is usually placed under the umbrella of BDSM, which stands for “bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism”. These situations involve a dominant partner, who plays a role meant to mimic a stronger or more powerful individual, and a submissive, who acts as a subordinate or less powerful person.
Considered taboo my many in past years, these types of relationships have started to become more accepted recently, especially after some high-profile pop culture exposure. Far from being unhealthy or unsafe, a dom/sub relationship—when participated in respectfully—can be a fun way of expressing your sexuality and spicing up your relationship.
Seven things to consider before beginning a dominant/Submissive relationship
While a dom/sub dynamic can be fulfilling and exciting for many couples, it isn’t for everyone. Taking time to understand the D/s relationship, whether it is right for you, and how it will fit with your partnership can help you incorporate it in a healthy manner. The following are seven things to think about as you and your partner prepare to enter into a dominant/submissive relationship.
Dom/sub relationships come in many forms
Before you enter into a dom/sub relationship, it can help to know exactly what such a situation entails. Depending on which side of the relationship you’re going to be on, you can expect a variety of different experiences. If you are the dominant person in the relationship, you might be responsible for many of the relationship’s decisions. You’re likely going to be guiding your submissive toward a pleasurable sexual experience. Some dominant relationships will only see couples taking on these roles in the bedroom, and others will have the dominant taking charge in other areas.
A common D/s dynamic is one in which one partner simply determines what the couple will do in bed, often within established parameters. In some dom/sub relationships, rules are established that preclude the submissive from doing or saying certain things (again, after they have been agreed upon). If the submissive breaks the rules, they may be “punished”, often with a form of sexualized bondage or flogging. Some D/s relationships mirror the relationship between, for example, a handyman or maid and their employer. And some do not have a sexual component at all.
Knowing the particulars of dom/sub relationships and how they vary can help you determine the best options for you and your partner. If you will be the submissive in the relationship, first consider whether you want this type of arrangement. Learn about the commitments of such a dynamic, sexual and otherwise. A dom/sub relationship isn’t necessarily easy, and it might not be something that you will be comfortable with. If you uncomfortable having your partner submit to you or be dominant over you, this type of relationship may not be healthy.
Setting boundaries is key
If you’ve decided you’re ready to explore a D/s relationship, deciding how you’d like the arrangement to look is important. Dom/sub relationships can be structured in several different ways. In some situations, a dominant/submissive relationship plays off a power dynamic that you’d see in a business. The dominant may be the boss in this situation, while the submissive partner plays the employee. In other situations, partners may be interested in situations that incorporate aspects like spanking, restraints, and implements meant to induce pain that many find pleasurable.
You can also decide whether this is going to be a casual situation or something more comprehensive. Some people get really into the D/s relationship dynamic, even making it a part of their everyday lives. For others, the dom/sub relationship is limited to the bedroom. Knowing exactly how you’d like the dynamic to look can help you feel more comfortable as you get started.
Consider your limits
Once you’ve decided how you’d like the D/s relationship to look, you can determine how far you’re willing to go. Talk to your partner about the physical and role-playing acts you’re interested in pursuing and let them know about all of your hard limits and how far you’re willing to take things in the bedroom. For instance, you may be willing to be restrained, but only for a short period of time; or you might only want to role play, without any added implements.
Your safety is paramount
Engaging in BDSM in a healthy way is crucial as you start a dom/sub relationship. Respect is the most important component of such a dynamic. Putting safeguards in place, such as establishing a safe word and communicating boundaries, can help your relationship remain healthy. A safe word is usually an out-of-context word that you or your partner can say any time you feel uncomfortable or ready to stop. This could also involve non-verbal communication, such as squeezing your partner’s hand or tapping their shoulder.
Before you enter a D/s relationship with anyone, it’s imperative to ensure boundaries are strict and not to be crossed. Any non-consensual actions can constitute abuse, which is not acceptable in a relationship. Ensure you and your partner are clear on safety precautions.
If you or someone you know is experience abuse, know that help is available. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached 24/7 by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), texting “START” to 88788, or chatting with a representative.
It can be a commitment
A dom/sub relationship can be a satisfying and exciting experience. But it can also take a lot of work and effort to sustain. Ask yourself whether you have the time to explore such a relationship given your life commitments. It can also be physically and emotionally draining to be in such a partnership. You may experience strong feelings following dom/sub encounters with your partner. If you know that such emotions may strain your mental health, you and your partner may want to spice up your relationship in another way.
Openness is essential
If you consider yourself a shy individual, being involved in a D/s relationship may be tough. These relationships involve a substantial amount of communication, so you will likely need to discuss your sexual desires openly. If you’d like to explore your sexuality in a dom/sub relationship, talking to a therapist can help you learn how to express yourself in that way.
Being a dominant partner is a lot of responsibility
Because they are often tasked with guiding the dom/sub experience, dominant partners often have to do the most work. This can be a lot of responsibility and might not be as enjoyable as a less structured form of intimacy for some people. If you are going to be the dominant one in the relationship, you may be putting in a lot of time and effort. You’ll likely have to learn how to be dominant in a healthy and empathetic way.
Your first dominant relationship will likely be the toughest one in many ways. When you don’t have much experience, it can be tough to figure things out on the fly. Remember to explore this dynamic within the boundaries you and your partner have set and the rules you’ve created to enhance the experience. As long as you understand the responsibilities of being a dom, it can be an exciting and rewarding role to play.
Enhancing intimacy with online therapy
Research suggests that online therapy can help couples connect more deeply through their sexual relationship. For example, in a study examining the effects of online therapy on relationship functioning, researchers concluded that it led to significant increases in positive relationship aspects, such as couples’ sex lives.
If you’re looking to enhance intimacy in your relationship, online therapy is available. With an online therapy platform like Regain, you can chat with a therapist remotely, which can be helpful if you’re not comfortable discussing your sex life in person. Your therapist can also connect you with useful resources, such as at-home exercises that can help you and your partner work on your sexual relationship on your own time.
Takeaway
When participated in respectfully, a dominant/submissive relationship can help partners connect with each other in a new and exciting way. If you’re thinking about introducing a component of BDSM into your relationship, keeping the above considerations in mind can help you and your partner enhance your intimacy safely. For further support and guidance when it comes to sex and relationships, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist online. With the right help, you can spice up your sex life in a fun, healthy manner.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What is a submissive person in a relationship?
A submissive person is someone who has power exerted over them in a dominant-submissive relationship.
Dominant submissive relationship, often referred to as D/s or dom-sub relationship, is part of the greater BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadomasochism) umbrella, as opposed to partnerships without these kinks, known as vanilla relationships.
In the submissive person, the power play is exerted upon the individual to increase sexual or romantic pleasure. This play can happen entirely in sexual situations or even outside of the bedroom but is always consensual. Most often, the submissive individual has a dominant partner who is the one exerting power. This can involve roleplaying, bondage (tying one’s partner up or restraining them), consensual hitting, slapping, hair pulling, or choking, among other things.
This dominant and submissive relationship requires constant communication and check-ins to ensure that both partners and the submissive are comfortable. For more information, check out this blog post.
What is a dominant person?
A dominant person exerts power over others. In dominant-submissive relationships, a dominant partner may restrain, hit, choke, or control their partner in or out of the bedroom.
Dom sub relationships, just like vanilla relationships, should always be consensual even though they involve a difference in power dynamics.
You may want to be involved in a dom role or negotiate a dominant-submissive relationship with your partner if you are an assertive person outside of the bedroom. You want to continue this in your sex life. However, other dominant-submissive relationships involve partners who wish to change how they exert power to reverse the dominance and submission that may naturally occur in their daily lives.
Any gender can play with dominance and submission roles, not just with males involved in a dom role, as is the stereotype. Dominant-submissive relationships are most often sexual, but they can also exist outside of the bedroom.
What makes a good dom?
What is a dom in the first place? In dominant-submissive relationships, a dom is a person exerting power. This kind of dominant-submissive relationship requires consent every step of the way.
Although a BDSM relationship seems more controlling or even more violent than vanilla relationships, that does not mean it is not consensual. A good dom must be respectful of consent and comfort-level and take good care of their partner in a dominant-submissive relationship. After all, it is for the enjoyment of all participants.
Also, to be respectful in general, a dom in a BDSM relationship must employ good communication and listen to their partner’s desires as well as their own. In this relationship, learning the fundamentals, types, roles, and BDSM safety is important. That way, both partners can achieve a desirable balance between dominance and submission. Dominant submissive relationships involve just as much if not more communication than vanilla relationships to make sure both partners are comfortable. Because of the power play at hand, this often falls to the dom.
Domination and submission can be a fun, exciting way to enhance your sex and relationships when all involved are trying their best to be respectful and communicative to their partner. For more dominant-submissive information, you can read this sex and relationships blog post.
How do I know if my boyfriend is dominant?
The best way to tell if your partner is interested in dominant and submissive relationships is to have a conversation with them. If your partner is hinting at adding forms of power play into your sex life, they might be dominant submissive or curious about dominant-submissive relationships. Perhaps you have begun to roleplay or even used toys like rope or handcuffs with each other. Maybe your partner always likes to be on top or likes to guide you during sex. If this is the case, they might have an interest in a dominant-submissive relationship.
Both partners should always have the opportunity to consent to anything in their sex lives, especially when this is concerning new power play or a dominant-submissive relationship. If you do not consent to anything your partner does or says, you have the right to say no.
How do I submit to my boyfriend?
If you find yourself interested in the notion of dominance and submission, or depictions of dominant and submissive relationships turn you on, you may want to try out this power play in your own relationship. If you feel as though it is exciting to be controlled or dominated in the bedroom, this is a sign you could enjoy being submissive.
In a dominant-submissive exchange, a submissive person relinquishes control to a dominant person. They might enjoy being restrained or asked to do favors for the dominant. They might also like to roleplay a traditionally subservient role, such as in a slave relationship. All dominant-submissive relationships are mutually desired and consented to, so be sure to check in constantly with your partner. A dominant-submissive relationship can bring more excitement and passion to both your sex life and your romantic life.
What is the meaning of D/s relationship?
How do you make a DS relationship?
What it means to be submissive to your husband?
How does a woman show submission?
What do you call a man who is submissive to his wife?
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