My Boyfriend Broke Up With Me: Rediscovering Yourself When Your Relationship Ends
Breakups are a difficult time for everyone. It's completely natural to experience feelings of grief, sadness, depression, and even hopelessness after your boyfriend has broken up with you. It might seem like the world is ending and you have no reason to go on. You may have no idea how to start over. Breakups are very similar to death in the sense that you are grieving the loss of a person. Sure, they haven't passed, but they have moved on from your life, which is a very similar type of loss.
When your boyfriend has broken up with you, it's important to take healthy steps towards starting over so that you aren't left stuck in a depressive and negative space. Once your relationship has ended, rediscovering who you are should become your priority. Learn to love yourself, love your own company, and learn what it is you want. This is much easier said than done, of course, and it does take a lot of self-reflection, but at the end of the day, finding yourself after a breakup will open so many doors to new opportunities for happiness.
Begin With Grief
Begin your healing process by allowing yourself the time you need to grieve the loss of your boyfriend. While some people may find this to be an exaggeration, getting through a breakup, as we mentioned previously, is similar to getting over the loss of a loved one. There is a lot of pain, heartbreak, tears, and feelings that what you've lost can never be replaced.
The pain you feel after a breakup is nothing to be ashamed of, and it doesn't make you weak. It simply makes you a human being with emotions. Understand that these feelings are okay; allowing yourself to experience them will help you to move on. Repressing your feelings of loss and sorrow will only create more baggage for you to carry into your future relationships, which can be extremely unhealthy.
As you grieve, be sure to allow the people in your life that love and care about you in. Your friends and family are going to be a vital support system for you, one that offers shoulders to cry on and advice when you feel lost. A good support system can be the difference between moving on and falling into depression, or worse.
Experience And Appreciate Your Emotions Healthily
To begin finding yourself again, let your feelings about your breakup out. Many people find this to be a sign of weakness, but rest assured, it is not. By allowing yourself to cry, scream, and even be angry, you're slowly letting go of your past and looking towards the future. However, be sure not to allow your emotions to become all-consuming, where they take over your life and end up holding you back. This is another area in which your family and friends can help keep you in check. Allow them to be there for you when you want to talk, but also allow them the freedom to let you know when you're "falling down the rabbit hole," so to speak.
Don't Blame Yourself
Many people blame themselves for a breakup, believing they did something to drive their partner away. Negative self-thinking is unhealthy and will not lead down the road to recovery. It's normal to think about all the things you would have done differently, to think about how you could have made your boyfriend happier before he completely lost interest. Obsessing over your past prevents your move towards the future. This is a good time for self-reflection, and you may learn many new things that you can apply towards future relationships, but dwelling on a relationship that has ended will not get you anywhere. Use your mistakes as learning experiences and take the time to heal, and then move on.
It can sometimes be difficult to confide in people because it requires becoming truly vulnerable. Saying things out loud has a very different power than just thinking them. Writing down your feelings is an effective way of letting go of negative emotions and learning to move on. Journaling can help you effectively solve problems, reduce stress, and understand yourself better. Writing your thoughts and emotions down is a good way to visually see your problems, review the facts, and decide on the next steps.
Set Small Goals
The time after a breakup is very sensitive. It can become difficult for you to go through the regular everyday motions, let alone accomplish major life goals. Instead of trying to see the big picture at this point, set smaller, more easily attainable goals for yourself. This way, you'll be able to work step by step towards getting where you wish to be.
Begin your life again with small goals like setting the alarm to wake up and get out of bed each day. Set aside 20-30 minutes in the morning to do yoga or go for a quick jog. This will help you slowly grow from small goals to larger ones. In this case, direction is more powerful than speed. The focus should always be on your progress. Make it a point to celebrate the accomplishment of each goal. Even if they seem small, they are important steps.
Beef Up Your Social Life
It's very common for people to become consumed by their relationship and with their significant other. This often leads to the neglect of friends and family in favor of spending time with their partner. Once your relationship ends, even if you may be apprehensive about trying to reconnect with some of your friends or family, we highly encourage you to make the first move and try to regain your previous social life.
Your close friends and family are a network of people you've built that will love you and support you no matter what. Use this support system to help you heal and rediscover yourself. When you've forgotten who you are or were, these are the people who will remind you. Spending more time with the people you're closest to will help you start to redevelop the old version of yourself from before your relationship. A healthy support system will help remind you why you loved your life and will encourage you to fight to get it back. Spend time with people who bring you love and positivity. Keeping busy is going to help take your mind off your ex-boyfriend and help you throughout the healing process.
Take Care Of Yourself And Your Surroundings
After a breakup, it's normal to fall into a slump where you stop taking care of yourself and your home. You may stop cleaning your home or stop doing simple things for yourself, like doing your nails or washing your hair. Don't worry; there's no judgment here. It's okay to have a period where you let things fall apart to some extent. It's all a part of the healing process. However, you do have to return to reality and start to take control again.
When your environment is messy and unhealthy, it encourages you to be as well. Try to clean up your apartment like you're expecting your parents to visit. Shower, shave, do your hair, nails, makeup, everything you would have done while you were with your ex-boyfriend. Maintaining these healthy habits will help you mentally and physically. You'll start to regain your confidence and independence, which will go a long way toward finding yourself.
Love Yourself, Enjoy Your Own Company
One of the best ways to rediscover who you are is to spend time with yourself. Don't depend on others to define who you are. You shouldn't have to spend time surrounded by other people to have a good time. Unfortunately, many people don't have the self-confidence necessary to be able to spend time alone comfortably without actively feeling lonely. Being alone does not equal lonely, and that's something that many people have yet to grasp fully.
Sometimes people lose themselves so much in a relationship that they don't remember what they liked to do before they were in a relationship. Now that you're single, try your old hobbies again or even discover new ones. Get out of the house and try new things. Change can be scary, especially when we're vulnerable, but it can be so worthwhile to put yourself out there because you never know who the new you may turn out to be.
Whether it's going to a matinee movie on a weekday alone or having dinner at a restaurant by yourself, make an active effort not to call your friends for support. Try to find out what you love about yourself, why you enjoy your own company, and remember what made you "you" in the first place.
Breakups are never easy, but the negative feelings you have right after one can change. Allow yourself time to grieve, then work on picking yourself up and starting over.
Sometimes, you need help to start over, and many people turn to online therapy to get support. Online therapy can be just as effective as in-person therapy in talking through difficult events and figuring out the right steps for getting to the other side of them.
Regain is an online therapy platform where licensed therapists are trained in all things related to relationships. Once you've been matched with a therapist, sessions can take place at a time that works with your schedule. You can meet anywhere you have an electronic device and an internet connection. A Regain therapist can be a wonderful support during difficult times.
While the circumstances may seem dire now, while it may appear to be the end of the world, please know, it's truly not. Over time, you'll start to experience positive feelings. You're going to become yourself again, and before you know it, you'll have put your last relationship behind you, and you'll be more than ready for a new one. The journey may be long and slow-going at first, but with effort and support, you will get there.
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