How To Tell If You’re Dating A Commitment-Phobe: Eight Common Signs
Making a commitment to a friend or romantic partner can be deeply rewarding – but for some people, the idea of commitment can generate feelings of nervousness, anxiety, and even fear.
A person with an aversion to commitment may be diagnosed with gamophobia: an intense fear of marriage and other committed relationships. This condition is distinct from a generalized fear of commitment that extends to other areas of life, such as investing in a career or choosing a place to live.
As a form of anxiety disorder, gamophobia is medically recognized and treatable over time. If you're unsure whether you or a partner have this condition, there are several signs of gamophobia that may become apparent as you attempt to build the relationship.
Read on to learn more about eight common signs of a commitment phobia, and how working with a licensed therapist can help partners overcome their fears and build a powerful connection.
Signs of commitment phobia
While some sources use “gamophobia” and “commitment phobia” interchangeably, the term gamophobia more specifically refers to a fear of commitment in relationships.
In this article, we’ll use the term “commitment phobia” to cover a broader variety of fears, ranging from a fear of big life decisions to an aversion to marriage.
1. They have a history of short-lived jobs and romances
Both romantically and professionally, a commitment-phobe may have a history of flings, short-term relationships, and brief stints in various jobs or careers. While not every person with a fear of commitment will have this history, any of these trends are worth noting.
What to do
If you feel comfortable asking your partner, consider talking about these trends and opening up about your own past. With active listening and plenty of compassion, both partners can get to know and understand each other in these conversations.
2. When faced with commitment, they experience symptoms of anxiety
Phobias are a type of anxiety disorder, characterized by a persistent and irrational fear of a specific situation, object, or activity. Whether the source of anxiety is a potential commitment or an epic height, the symptoms are often similar across phobias. Some common symptoms include:
- Chills
- Nausea and upset stomach
- Trembling or shaking
- Heart palpitations
- Shortness of breath
- Dizziness and lightheadedness
What to do
Regardless of their source, phobias are real, valid conditions and can affect your partner’s ability to navigate daily life. If your partner is struggling with any of these symptoms, take care to support them and gently encourage them to seek professional help.
3. They tend to be unreliable
Not all commitment-phobes behave in the same way, but many people with this fear may be difficult to predict and rely on. They could take hours to respond to texts, show up late to events, or even struggle to commit to assisting you with a simple task.
What to do
From time to time, nearly everyone fails to make a commitment for a perfectly valid reason. Perhaps you can’t get to the party because the tire popped, or you’re unable to attend an event with your partner due to a family emergency. In these situations, communication and honesty are key; but if your partner repeatedly bails on planned events and is generally unpredictable, their behavior patterns may indicate a more deeply rooted fear of commitment.
4. They hesitate to introduce you to their loved ones
If your partner has an inconsistent history of relationships, they may avoid introducing you to their family and friends. If you’re dating a commitment-phobe, this behavior may be more reflective of your partner’s fear of commitment and concerns about their past, rather than the quality or potential of your relationship.
Of course, as your relationship progresses, you may want to meet your partner’s loved ones. Getting to know your partner’s friends, family, and other communities can be exciting and intimate, and may allow you to witness a more vulnerable side of the person you’re dating.
What to do
Breaking this barrier can be scary, but starting with your own friends and family can help a commitment-phobe become more comfortable with the idea of introductions.
5. They struggle to make plans
If the person you’re dating is wary of commitment, they might offer excuses as to why they can't see you, attend events with you, or generally keep in touch. While we all get busy from time to time, a regular tide of excuses may indicate that your partner is avoiding commitment.
What to do
Whether you’re scheduling Tuesday’s dinner date or plans for your life together, honoring both partners’ timelines and schedules is crucial for a healthy relationship.
Here, and in any stage of a relationship, honesty and clarity are key.
6. They keep things casual
A commitment-phobe might express that they’re working on other areas of their life and need more time before committing to a relationship. In other words: they’d like to keep things casual.
What to do
If you’re also looking for a casual, low-stakes relationship, this can be a great opportunity to build a fun, pleasurable connection and explore what you’re looking for in a romantic partner.
Casual relationships may start small – but sometimes, one or both people develop stronger feelings. If you’re searching for a long-term and meaningful commitment, you may want to consider what “casual” means to you, and whether you’d like to pursue a connection with someone who already struggles with commitment.
7. Their affection is lacking
This hesitation might stem from a past relationship, a health condition, or another extenuating circumstance. Regardless of the source or the person’s explanation, you may feel hurt or confused by the lack of affection.
In any relationship, partners should feel safe to engage in various forms of intimacy, ranging from emotional vulnerability to physical closeness. A person with a fear of commitment may hold back in these realms, for fear that their affection will go unreturned or unseen.
What to do
Ultimately, acts of love tend to inspire further acts of affection. By showing love toward your partner and verbalizing your desire for affection, they may feel more comfortable showing their love and appreciation for you.
8. They’re afraid of trusting others
Among people with gamophobia, there is a higher risk for developing personality disorders and generalized trust issues.
What to do
If your partner opens up about their challenges with trust, take time to listen and understand their concerns. While their fear may not be diagnosable as a phobia, their feelings are still valid and can be overcome with time, support, and potentially the guidance of an experienced therapist.
Overcoming commitment phobia with online therapy
If you or your partner are struggling with the idea of commitment, therapy can be a powerful tool. While some people prefer in-person therapy, a growing number of individuals and couples use online therapy to improve their relationships and overall mental health. Using a digital platform like Regain, you can connect with a licensed, board-certified therapist with specific expertise in relationship therapy. Each Regain therapist has at least three years of professional experience, and many help clients overcome their fears around commitment and other issues.
Several studies have found that online therapy can be just as effective as in-person sessions, including a 2019 review of virtual reality (VR) exposure therapy for phobias. These promising results call for deeper investigation into the value of online exposure therapy for other phobias.
Takeaway
As you enter a new relationship, some degree of hesitation or nervousness might be expected. But if you’re genuinely afraid of committing yourself to the relationship, you may benefit from the support and wisdom of a licensed relationship therapist.
Whether you’re afraid of commitment or dating a commitment-phobe, both partners can find value in the process of therapy. Committing to anything can be scary, whether it’s a relationship or a career change – but with a supportive partner and therapist, you can experience the joy and depth of a meaningful connection.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
1. Can a commitment-phobe fall in love?
Yes, people with commitment issues – sometimes referred to as “commitment-phobes” – can still fall in love. Compared to people without this fear, however, commitment-phobes may need more time and reassurance to fall in love and sustain a long-term relationship.
If you’re dating a commitment-phobe or struggling with commitment yourself, there are steps you can take to reduce your anxiety and strengthen your relationships. While you can seek online or in-person relationship advice, you may also benefit from individual and/or couples therapy to work through commitment issues with a professional guide. For many couples, overcoming these fears can improve their self-understanding and add a new level of intimacy to their relationship.
2. How do you know if a commitment-phobe loves you?
If your partner is afraid of commitment, you may feel unsure about their feelings toward you. While there is no “test” to determine whether someone loves you, these four signs may indicate that a commitment-phobe loves and cares about you, despite their reservations.
- They tell you they love you.
Words are powerful. If your partner consistently verbalizes their love for you, you may begin to feel more confident about their feelings toward you.
For some people, love might be easier to express through quality time, physical gifts, and other love languages. Understanding the five love languages can help partners interpret and express their love for each other, even when commitment issues are involved.
- They’re honest about their commitment issues.
Every person enters a relationship with a unique history, personal challenges, and other hangups. If your partner is upfront about their fear of commitment from the beginning, their honesty may be a sign of comfort, as well as a willingness to work past their fears in pursuit of a loving relationship.
- They make time for you.
A person with commitment issues might hesitate to initiate long-term relationships – so if they’re willing and eager to spend quality time with you, this may be a positive sign that they’re ready to integrate your two worlds.
- They’re willing to grow and improve their communication.
Commitment-phobes may be less inclined to “define the relationship.” But if both partners believe in the strength of the connection, labeling the relationship can be exciting and meaningful, rather than anxiety-inducing. In any stage of a relationship, clear communication can help partners understand their intentions with regards to the length and seriousness of the relationship.
3. Will a commitment-phobe ever change?
Commitment-phobes are capable of growth and change, just like any other person. Still, dating someone with a fear of commitment can feel scary and uncertain. As you get to know your new partner, you might wonder from time to time: will they ever want a long-term relationship? Will we ever progress to a deeper, more vulnerable level of intimacy?
If the person you’re dating shows any of the following signs, the answer might be “yes”:
- They actively work on communicating more clearly and consistently.
- They recognize and appreciate your investments in the relationship.
- They seek support for their commitment issues on their own, whether through therapy or by asking for advice from others.
- If you express a concern about their ability to commit, they’re willing to change their behaviors and continue to check in about your concerns.
Ultimately, one person can’t change their partner’s fear of commitment. While you can actively support your partner, they must choose to do the work of overcoming their fears. When dating a commitment-phobe, open communication is critical, as well as time and space for both partners to work on themselves.
4. How does a commitment-phobe feel when dumped?
Every person has a slightly different reaction to the experience of being dumped. Regardless of how you feel about commitment, a break-up can be an emotionally overwhelming experience. In one moment, you may feel hurt, angry, or devastated. A few hours or days later, you might feel a sense of relief, uncertainty, or even calm.
With this reality in mind, there’s no way to know how a commitment-phobe might feel when they’re dumped by a partner. Their reaction may depend on the length and depth of the relationship, their overall emotional state, and other personal factors. If you’re experiencing a breakup, your friends, family, and even a therapist can guide you through these emotions and help you unpack any underlying fears of commitment, if relevant.
5. Can you make a commitment-phobe commit?
No one can “make” someone to commit to a relationship, a job, or any other source of commitment. Forcing someone to commit robs them of their autonomy and could make them more anxious about future commitments.
Rather than pressuring a commitment-phobe to commit to a relationship, you can instead attempt to understand their fears by actively listening and acknowledging their progress, regardless of how big or small.
If possible, lead by example with your own commitments. For example, by agreeing to a weekly coffee date with a friend, an adult sports league, or engaging in another regular activity, you can reap the rewards of commitment while showcasing them to your partner.
6. What are commitment-phobes afraid of?
People with commitment issues, sometimes referred to as “commitment-phobes”, are afraid of committing to relationships or other major life decisions.
While commitment phobia often becomes apparent in romantic and platonic relationships, this phobia may also hinder a person’s ability to commit to new jobs or places. Sometimes, the phobia has a clear and addressable root; but oftentimes, the “cause” is hard to pinpoint, as the condition is also shaped by genetic and individual risk factors. Are Commitment-phobes Afraid Of?
Commitment phobia can impact several areas of a person’s life. But with time, patience, and a desire to change, many people overcome this phobia and use their insights to build more honest, rewarding relationships.
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