Updated February 27, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Dawn Brown
Content/Trigger Warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include sexual assault & violence, which could potentially be triggering.
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Most of us believe we know the signs of an abusive relationship, but the truth is, many of us mistake these signs for love. It is easy to miss the early signs; an abusive partner rarely enters a relationship to abuse. The early signs can be found in your potential lover's personality and behavior or your personality and behavior before a serious relationship develops.
Sometimes a relationship is toxic for both people; it is even harder recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship when you and your partner are guilty. The trick to staying out of or leaving an abusive situation is understanding a healthy, happy relationship. Recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship requires honesty about the relationship and how you and your partner treat each other.
The Most Common Signs Of An Abusive Relationship
Recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship can be difficult when you are in love. In the early stages of a relationship, it is easy to overlook transgression and play them down because you are still getting to know each other. The problem is, overlooking abusive behavior leads to bigger problems down the road. If you think your relationship may be abusive, or if you fear your partner in any way, your relationship is not healthy. Here are the most common signs of an abusive relationship:
- Fear of your partner
- Your partner puts you down
- Excessive jealousy
- Humiliation and intimidation
- Threats of violence
- Blame you for their behavior
- Emotional manipulation
- Break your property
- Threaten to hurt themselves if you leave
- Ignore your accomplishments
- Make you feel bad for spending time with family
- Make you feel bad for spending time with friends
- It makes you feel uncomfortable during sex
- Threatens to leave you if you don't comply with demands
- Belittles you if you don't comply with requests or demands
- Judgmental and controlling
Another hint that something is not right is a partner who gets serious too quickly. Most abusers want to gain control as quickly as possible before they notice any signs of abusive behavior. Pushing you into getting serious before you are ready is the first sign of things to come. Manipulation of any kind should be regarded as a warning sign of an abusive individual.
Falling in love is different for everyone; most of the time, one person falls before the other, which is perfectly normal. If you are happy with the relationship but want to move slowly or are not in love yet, your partner should respect that and give you the time you need. Pushing you to fall in love with threats of losing them is a sure sign of manipulation and disrespect.
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Jealousy Is Not Love
The most commonly overlooked sign of an abusive relationship is jealousy. Jealous behavior is not healthy; it can be very destructive to a relationship. When you love someone, it can be difficult to recognize the abusive nature of jealousy; after all, when someone loves you, they don't want someone else moving in on their love, right? Wrong, when someone loves you, they should trust you; love and trust are necessary for a healthy relationship.
Jealousy is all about self, selfishness, defensiveness, insecurity, and the anger jealousy triggers are all centered on self. Jealousy is an emotion and behavior that surfaces because individuals do not trust their partner; it is not finding out the partner is cheating. Jealous behavior is manipulating and possessive; it is never nurturing or loving.
The emotion of jealousy is a defense against being hurt; we have all felt jealous before. When someone we care about focuses their attention on someone else, the emotion of jealousy taunts us with the fear of losing their love. The emotion of jealousy is something everyone experiences, but jealous behavior is not something everyone engages in.
Think of it this way; anger is an emotion everyone experiences, but behavior such as hitting someone is not how most people work through their anger. Emotions can be difficult, but they should be used to understand ourselves, learn, and grow. Children act out when they experience difficult emotions because they have not learned how to deal with them yet.
Jealous behavior is destructive to love; it crushes freedom and chips away at self-esteem. Accusations, assumptions, and over-the-top reactions are used to manipulate and control. Controlling situations and others is the way a jealous person calms their fears and insecurities. Jealousy is a major sign of an abusive relationship, and if someone tells you they are jealous because they love you, it is time to move on.
If you engage in jealous behaviors, it is time for some therapy. Your relationship is not a title of ownership or a license to control others to ease your fear or anxiety. You may not believe you are abusive, but when you make your partner feel responsible for your jealous behavior, it is abusive. Your lover should never change themselves to make you feel secure; you must learn to feel secure on your own and learn to love yourself.
Fighting is Healthy…Right?
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No, fighting is not healthy; communication is healthy, it is impossible to communicate during a fight. Fights occur due to loss of control; without control, communication is ineffective. Communication requires speaking and listening; fighting requires anger and aggression. After a fight, making up after a fight may make it seem worthwhile; making up involves speaking and listening, but this could have taken place without the "fight" part.
Arguing is healthy; it is impossible to see eye to eye, but fighting is more than arguing; fighting is aggressive and hurtful; love should never be aggressive and hurtful. An argument takes place for many reasons, and it is an argument because both people think they are right. Fights may have the same triggers as an argument, but the behavior is not the same.
Fights are a warning sign of an abusive relationship because a fight is not a disagreement; it is a loss of control. Couples counseling can help a relationship by giving both parties advice and guidance, but it is only helpful if both are willing. If you and your partner fight, it is worth getting some counseling; if you are the only one who is willing to get some help, it is time to move on.
It's All My Fault
Abuse in a relationship can be emotional, verbal, and physical. One of the reasons it can be difficult to identify the signs of an abusive relationship is because you feel responsible for the abuser's behavior. The abuser always blames the one they are abusing; it is one of the easiest ways to ease their guilt and maintain control over their partner. This type of abuse is emotional and mental, and it can be just as damaging as a punch or kick.
Signs of emotional or mental abuse:
- Fear of saying something that will trigger anger in your partner
- Avoiding family and friends because you feel ashamed
- Feel that you can never do anything right
- Feel responsible for triggering anger in your partner
- Feel you deserve to be mistreated
- Make excuses for your partner's aggression toward you
Love should never cause fear, loss of self-esteem, or loss of family and friends. Emotional and mental abuse is an abusive partner's way of maintaining control over you, and although you may feel his/her behavior is your fault, it is not. The goal of this type of abuse makes you feel responsible, less than perfect, and guilty.
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Changes In Your Emotional Well-Being
It is always important to stay in touch with your emotions; how you feel about yourself is one of the best ways to identify the signs of an abusive relationship. Changes in how you feel about yourself can happen slowly; paying attention to your needs and happiness is essential to recognize emotional and mental abuse. If you are feeling/experiencing any of these feelings, your relationship may be crossing the line to an abusive situation:
- Depression
- Fearful or Anxious
- Feelings of shame or embarrassment
- Loneliness
- Isolation
- Drug or alcohol abuse
- Powerless to make a change
- Feeling trapped
- Hopeless
Signs And Personality Traits Of An Abusive Partner
There are many reasons why an individual is abusive toward those they claim to love. Signs and personality traits of an abusive partner include more than jealousy or anger issues. A dysfunctional, neglectful, or otherwise abusive childhood is a major factor in why some people are abusive in relationships, but there are other signs.
Your partner may have all these personality traits or only a few, but any of these personality traits or signs have the potential to lead to abuse:
- Emotionally explosive or unpredictable - fast and extreme mood swings can go from sweet and loving to angry and aggressive quickly; you never know how they will react in any given situation.
- Maybe a survivor of past abuse - childhood abuse or witness to domestic violence.
- Judgmental
- Critical and controlling
- Drug or alcohol abuse
- Socially popular and charmingly manipulative
- Keeps emotions bottled up until they erupt
Everyone is different, and many people with these traits never abuse others. These traits should be recognized as potential signs of an abusive person. Some personality traits are more apt to become manipulative than others. Recognizing these signs can help you identify problems before they start.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What are the four stages of the cycle of abuse?
An abusive relationship typically occurs in a cycle consisting of four stages. Abuse isn’t healthy, and anyone abusing their partners is not justified in their actions. By understanding each stage, you may be in a better position to break the cycle of violence. Remember that anyone can be abused, and anyone can be a survivor of abuse, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
The warning signs of abuse and four stages of the cycle of abuse involve:
- Build-Up
- The first stage begins with the abuser feeling certain stress or lack of control over their life. This stress may not even be related to the relationship and often has to do with external problems like losing a job, dealing with poverty, or experiencing undiagnosed mental health symptoms. This stress may cause them to feel powerless. As a result, they may exert that control over their partner through insults or showing a distinct lack of respect for their partner and their partner’s boundaries. As the tension accumulates, the partner or child may try to calm down the abuser by meeting their needs or otherwise aiding them. Still, eventually, the survivor may begin to feel that they need to be careful when around the abuser. The survivor may feel anxious and on edge while at home, fearful of making any minor mistake.
- Act Out
- Once their stress or tension builds up, the abuser may physically or sexually attack the survivor. While this may only happen once, the abuser can attack their spouse, child, partner, etc. various times. Abusers may feel the need to exert power in the relationship, so they may inflict abuse to balance out their stress, thus breaking the foundations of healthy relationships.
- Rationalize and Justify
- After committing a violent act, abusers will often blame others, including their spouses, partners, children, siblings, parents, etc., for their actions. These defenses divert blame away from abusers, making them feel that their actions were justified and may lead to more abusive behaviors. Survivors may try to object but could feel powerless to object.
- Pretend Normal
- When the abuser justifies their actions, and the survivor verbally or otherwise accepts the abuser’s version of what happened because they may feel powerless to do otherwise, both partners try to continue the relationship as if everything is normal. Beyond normal, the abuser may use this phase of the cycle to apologize profusely or become extremely affectionate, buy gifts for the survivor, and go through romantic displays. But if the abuse is not dealt with, the cycle will most likely not stop.
Once you recognize the stages of abuse, you should first see if you feel your relationship is going through this dating abuse cycle. If you believe that it is, then find help as soon as possible. Survivors caught in this cycle of abuse may be distanced from friends and family because their abuser has denied them the chance at creating and maintaining healthy social relationships. For further information about domestic abuse or intimate partner violence in your area, refer to your state’s department of health or justice website.
Remember that if you are worried about your safety or the safety of those around you, you can look out for resources like:
What makes a person abusive?
A person becomes abusive for multiple reasons. Each of these reasons does not give abusive partners the right to treat someone else less than being human and are meant to explain but not justify the behavior of the abuser. Here are a few reasons why people choose to participate in dating abuse actions along with potential abuse warning signs:
- Some abusers may have resorted to abusive behavior because of how they were raised and disciplined at home. Growing up, some people may have been treated poorly by their guardians. As such, they may only see abuse as a normal condition of life, or even something necessary, or their right or role in the household.
- Others may also choose to become abusers because they feel the need to exert control and dominance in their household. They may not realize that they are hurting others since they are only aware of how they feel when abusing another person or seeing their abuse as a necessary evil.
- An abuser may be experiencing the symptoms of an undiagnosed mental health disorder or personality disorder, such as a personality disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
- The abuser could have been raised in a misogynistic misandrist household or culture in which they were trained to believe that their role and duty is to control and dominate their partner.
- The abuser may experience extreme jealousy and insecurity, for which reason they believe they must lash out.
If you or anyone your love is in danger, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1 800 799 7233). You may also refer to online resources, such as loveisrespect.org, your state’s Department of Health website, or your state’s Department of Justice website.
Is breaking things a sign of abuse?
Breaking things is not a good way for anyone to express themselves in healthy relationships. Sometimes people in healthy relationships get very upset, and they don’t know how to express their anger healthily. As a result, they may break things in the heat of a moment. This does not necessarily mean that they are in an abusive relationship. However, if they are breaking things in combination with other signs of domestic abuse or breaking things in a threatening way or as a display of strength, that could be a sign of domestic abuse progression. Abuse isn’t something that should be taken lightly. These warning signs of abuse involve five phases:
- Violence, such as verbal abuse, hitting objects, making threats, increased tension, and arguing.
- Physical violence, such as pushing and grabbing
- Increasing levels of violence, including slapping and pulling hair.
- Severe violence, such as hitting, choking, and sexual violence.
- Calm stage in which the abuser rationalized their behavior, and maybe even apologized and tried to win the survivor over again.
If you worry that you are in an abusive situation, consider reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You may also refer to your state’s Department of Justice of Department of Health websites. You could also speak with a counselor at ReGain, and you can choose to either attend the meetings with or without your partner.
What are the side effects of emotional abuse?
The side effects of emotional abuse can deeply affect an individual’s mental health in the short and long term. Before discussing the side effects, there are various signs of emotional abuse within a romantic relationship to look out for, which goes against every tenet of healthy relationships. For more info, you can visit your state’s department of health and department of justice website.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, the warning signs of abuse include:
- Name-calling,
- Destruction of a partner’s property
- Gaslighting or making a partner believe in the abuser’s version of the truth. This is a specific psychological process designed to break down the survivor’s version of reality and trust in oneself’s perception.
- Jealousy of other relationships, including close friends and family members
- Blaming a partner for the abuser’s behavior
- Threatening to hurt the partner, children, pets, or other members of a partner’s family
- Use of weapons
- Monitoring a partner’s phone, who they call, and where they go
Each of these abuse warning signs of emotional abuse is unacceptable behavior. If you believe that you are experiencing any of these warning signs of abuse, then please reach out for help right away concerning your abuse warning signs. You can always call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also visit your state’s department of health and department of justice website for further information.
Psychological abuse is horrible for anyone, and it can also happen to any person regardless of gender or sexual orientation. A survivor of intimate partner violence or domestic abuse may feel:
Severe psychological abuse can incur devastating physical and mental long-term effects. A person may experience the effects of abuse warning signs:
- Insomnia
- Guilt
- Anxiety
- Believing that their partner is right about them feeling worthless
- Headaches
- Substance use disorders
People who may be experiencing the short and/or long-term effects of psychological abuse should seek help as soon as they can and as safely as possible. One way to seek help is to ask for advice from trusted family members and close friends. Additionally, people can call the national dating abuse hotline, the Domestic Abuse Hotline, which is available 24/7 if they notice any abuse warning signs.
Lastly, people can reach out to a professional psychologist or counselor. These experts can help people who have been emotionally abused work through their feelings of worthlessness that were unfairly given to them by their abusers. You can also visit your state’s department of health and department of justice website.
What is the cycle of narcissistic abuse?
The cycle of narcissistic abuse involves:
- Idealization
- Abusive partners may idealize their partners by showering them with love, time, gifts, and affection. This includes constant communication, gifts, compliments, being open and forward, and perhaps putting you on a pedestal or claiming that they’ve never met someone like you before.
- Devaluation
- At this point, abusive partners may start subtly criticizing, humiliating, and devaluing their partner, child, friend, etc. When the survivor questions the abuser’s behavior, the latter may gaslight the former into thinking that they are the relationship problem. Considering that the abuser may be spent much of their time love-bombing the survivor during the idealization stage, the survivor may feel extremely confused when they are blamed for relationship problems.
- Discarding
- This can consist of the abuser abandoning the survivor, having an affair, physical and sexual violence, and even making the survivor feel like the abuser. The abuser often wants to devalue their survivor so that they feel powerful in return.
It is important to note that this cycle of abuse can happen to anyone, of any age, of any gender, and any sexual identity. The cycle of abuse also does not necessarily have to be romantic, but it could also be carried out by a friend, a boss, a parent, a relative, or otherwise. No abuse dynamic is any less valid than another.
If you believe that you or someone you care about is being abused in any way, then reach out for help. Countless online sources can help make sure that you or a loved one gets out of an abusive relationship safely. Here are a few resources that may be of help to you:
- Your state’s department of health and department of justice website
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
- org
- The National Dating Abuse Hotline, 1-866-331-9474
- National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
- National Network for Immigrant and Refugee Rights, 1-510-465-1984
- National Runaway Safeline, 1-800-RUNAWAY or 1-800-786-2929
