How To Recognize Gaslighting And What to Do About It

Note: This article discusses topics of emotional abuse. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse of any kind from a domestic partner, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Does your partner accuse you of being suspicious or “too sensitive”? Do you question whether what you remember is real? Do you often doubt yourself and your perception of things? These can be signs that you're experiencing a technique called "gaslighting." 

According to the APA dictionary, gaslighting means “to manipulate another person into doubting his or her perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.”

Usually, gaslighting techniques start small. Pair this with the fact that most gaslighters specialize in discrediting their partner’s views and perceptions, and it can be challenging to identify when someone uses gaslighting as a form of manipulation and abuse. But there are ways to recognize gaslighting and break free from its potentially damaging effects. In this post, we’ll examine some of those and provide examples of gaslighting to illuminate how it can impact your relationships and mental health.

Recognizing gaslighting

In some cases, minor accounts of gaslighting can be unintentional. If it’s ongoing, the person is likely cognizant of what they’re doing, at least to some degree. If gaslighting starts small and worsens, it could be intentional emotional manipulation and abuse. Since gaslighting can be subtle, especially initially, it may be challenging to identify if that's what you're experiencing. 

If you’re in a relationship and you’ve developed the following symptoms without a clear cause, you may be exposed to a gaslighter. 

• You doubt your feelings constantly.
• You've lost confidence and find that you worry all the time.
• Interactions with your partner leave you feeling confused or off-balance.
• You feel like you can't do anything right.
• You think everything that goes wrong is your fault.
• You often feel anxious around your partner but can't pinpoint why.
• You've lost trust in your judgment.
• It seems much harder to make decisions.
• You find yourself apologizing and taking the blame all the time.
• You're constantly questioning whether you're a good partner.
• You keep how your partner treats you a secret from family and close friends.

Everyone forgets things from time to time, and many couples argue at one point or another. These things are normal. Gaslighting behavior usually doesn’t come across as normal-- and is an ongoing process of undermining another person's perceptions of the world to gain control over them. The gaslighter seeks to induce extreme insecurity, dependence, and emotional reliance on their partner.

Gaslighting behaviors and examples

To better understand gaslighting, knowing where the term originates may be helpful. "Gaslighting" comes from a 1938 play adapted into a film called "Gaslight." The story’s antagonist is a man who marries a woman, and during their marriage, he searches the attic for his wife’s family jewels. When he turns on the attic lamps, they divert gas away from the other lights in the house, causing them to dim. When his wife comments that the lights appear to be dimming, he tells her it's her imagination. Throughout the story, the husband manipulates his wife into thinking she's losing her sanity to hide his true intentions. The term is now commonly used to describe this type of abusive behavior. 

Common gaslighting techniques and examples include:

• The gaslighter denies things that they said or did, even when you confront them directly. They may deny these assertions so strongly that you question your memory. For example, a boyfriend who vehemently denies an affair after his girlfriend sees clear evidence of suspicious messages on his phone.
• Lying, even about small matters. A gaslighter is often a skillful, practiced liar.
• Questioning your recollection of events or conversations. For example, a few days after a fight, a gaslighter denies it ever happened, telling their partner they “dreamed it.”
• Making you feel like you're too sensitive or that your needs are insignificant.
• Pointing out every flaw and mistake that you make and magnifying their severity. For example, a boss constantly belittles and criticizes his employees' work to “keep them in check.”
• Reframing their negative behavior in a way that reflects positively on them while shifting the “blame” onto you. For example, a husband has reasons to suspect his wife is lying, but when he confronts her, his wife tells all of their mutual friends that he is "crazy" and paranoid-- preemptively cutting him off from their support.
• Refusing to listen to your thoughts or feelings. (i.e., "We'll talk about that later," but later never comes.)

Who is a “gaslighter”?

Gaslighting can appear in many relationships, including between parents and children, bosses and employees, and friends. Gaslighting patterns can also affect larger groups. Cult leaders, for example, have used gaslighting techniques to indoctrinate their followers. Some politicians may use gaslighting techniques to sway people in their favor. The most common occurrence of gaslighting is among romantic couples. At first, your love interest may seem like the kindest person in the world. But if they use gaslighting techniques to manipulate and control, the relationship can become unhealthy and detrimental to your well-being.  

It's important to note that not everyone using gaslighting techniques is an abuser. In many cases, however, gaslighters are calculated in how they manipulate their victims. They aim to strip the other person of power to feel a sense of control and superiority. If the partner expresses doubt or challenges them, gaslighters repeat the lying narrative until their partner believes it and submits. This is commonly called the “illusory truth effect.”

How to Regain control and stop the gaslighting

There are several critical steps to breaking free from a gaslighter’s manipulation and reclaiming control over your life. But every relationship is unique—and these tips may help one person but make the situation worse for another. That’s why it’s imperative to seek help from a professional throughout the process.

For many recognizing what is happening is the first step to regaining control

This may require more effort than it appears at first since gaslighting is covert and designed to undermine you. Do you question your judgment and thoughts often? Do you feel like you're to blame for any problems in the relationship? Try documenting the instances in which your partner calls your memory and judgments into question, as well as other questionable occurrences. Referring to this log can help you notice if there is a pattern and may help you separate objective reality from the false narrative of gaslighting.

Beginning the process of regaining your self-confidence is the next step

This may not happen right away—just as it takes time for a gaslighter’s behavior to deconstruct your self-esteem, it will also likely take time to recover it. It’s important to understand that just because your partner says you’re “crazy” or “paranoid” doesn’t mean you are. You will eventually need to confront your partner about their behavior to stop it, and building yourself up is necessary to give you the strength to stand your ground. 

Address the behavior and stand your ground. Speak up when your partner belittles you, discredits you, or provides backhanded compliments to make you feel insecure. Some gaslighters will walk away from the conversation if you actively insert yourself into it. For example, when they accuse you of being overdramatic about something they’ve done to hurt you, let them know that your feelings can’t be “right” or “wrong,” and they’re not open for dispute. If they try to discredit your memory of an argument or issue, explain to them that it’s how you remember the situation, and again, it’s not open for debate. When engaging in a deeper discussion with a gaslighter, the aim is to stay in control of your interaction, stand firm, and stay confident in your version of events. 

Reach out for support from people you trust. You may need help to rebuild your self-confidence and find the courage to confront a gaslighter. A support system of people you trust outside of the relationship is essential. Gaslighters often try isolating their partners from their friends and loved ones to gain as much control as possible over their partner's world.

Speak to a mental health professional. A therapist can offer invaluable guidance on breaking ties with a gaslighter and navigating the process of reclaiming your life. If you’re unsure, a therapist can help you examine your unique relationship and determine the healthiest course of action. Remember that a gaslighter is the only person who can change their behavior, and gaslighters don’t typically change because they don’t think their actions are wrong. If they do express a desire to change, it may take a long time in therapy and a solid commitment to alter their thought patterns and behavior.

Build resilience to stand up against gaslighting

Experiencing gaslighting, especially over a long period from someone you care about and trust, can negatively impact your self-esteem. It may not be easy to recover from an abusive relationship, and it often requires work to erase the hurtful thought patterns a gaslighter can plant in your mind and find your voice again. But it’s important to understand that you deserve healthy relationships. You don’t have to face the process of healing alone, and speaking with a mental health professional is easier than ever with the rise in popularity of online therapy.

Platforms like Regain connect people with licensed, accredited therapists experienced in helping individuals process and move beyond abusive relationships. You can speak with a Regain counselor anywhere you feel safe with an internet connection via phone, text, online chat, or video chat. Appointments are scheduled according to your availability, and should you need to reach out to your therapist between appointments, you may message them online. 

Online therapy is discrete and often more affordable than traditional therapy without insurance. A growing body of research indicates that online treatment is as effective as conventional therapy for treating a host of mental health issues commonly caused by emotionally abusive relationships like depression and anxiety.

For example, researchers at the University of Gothenburg published a meta-analysis of a study involving 76 randomized controlled trials studying the effectiveness of online therapy for 17,521 patients with symptoms of depression. The findings suggest that online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is as effective as conventional CBT for people with mild to moderate depression. 

If you’re ready to address the issues of gaslighting in your relationship and cultivate the confidence to stop the abuse, reaching out to a mental health professional through Regain is the first step. With therapy, you can move toward emotional healing and more balanced relationships.