How To Know If Your Boyfriend Is Emotionally Inept

Being emotionally inept, also commonly referred to as being emotionally unavailable, is something many people deal with in romantic relationships. Some people have a difficult time expressing and managing their emotions for a specific reason, and others seemingly have no reason at all for their unavailability. No matter what the cause of being emotionally inept is, it is still a problem that should be worked through healthily.

Being emotionally inept can cause a “roadblock” for the relationship to progress into something more serious. If you have a boyfriend who you believe is not emotionally available, you know how difficult it can be. It feels like you have to pry out his emotions so you can know how he feels about something. Or he may be quick to anger if you ask him one too many questions about his past. It is best to know if your boyfriend is emotionally inept so that you know if you should be patient with him or if there is another issue going on.

Why are people emotionally inept?

Why are some men emotionally unavailable, and what causes them to be this way? As mentioned above, there can be different causes that may make a person become emotionally unavailable. For one, they could have been hurt in prior relationships and keep themselves blocked off to avoid getting hurt again. They also could have experienced childhood trauma, where their parents discouraged emotional expression or even reprimanded it. 

For men, being emotionally unavailable is fairly common. This is likely because, for many centuries, men were looked at as the “strong and unemotional” sex. Today, men are encouraged more than ever to express their emotions and get in touch with how they are feeling. However, many men still view being emotional as weakness, which is unfortunate considering that emotional expression is very healthy. Additionally, both men and women take the route of not allowing themselves to feel romantic emotions towards just one person, as this opens them up to getting hurt by someone. So, several reasons can cause someone to be emotionally inept, and with your boyfriend, you will need to evaluate the things he says and does to see what is causing his unavailability.

Is your boyfriend emotionally inept?

As a romantic partner, you will be one of the people in your boyfriend’s life who notices his emotional unavailability. From experience in other relationships, you will be able to see if your boyfriend acts differently. Other people who are close to him may not notice his emotional unavailability as many men choose to not talk about their emotions with their friends and family. However, it is very normal and healthy for men to talk about their emotions with their romantic partners, to the point where it is expected. If you are unsure if your boyfriend is having difficulties expressing and managing his emotions, look for the signs below.

He says things like, “I’m just not good at relationships”

A common excuse for lacking in the emotional department in relationships is blaming it on not being good at relationships. The truth is, humans are a relationship-oriented species. Since the beginning of their existence, humans have always stuck together in groups like packs or tribes. Most people value their “pack” (their family and friends) and will do anything for them. It is usually second nature to desire to have close relationships with others, and being capable of expressing how you feel about them comes with that. So, nurturing a relationship by expressing emotions should not be a challenge for most people, unless they have experienced emotional trauma or were never taught how to express their emotions.

If your boyfriend has ever told you he is incapable of expressing his emotions because he is simply bad at relationships, there is likely an underlying reason for this. The issue of expressing and managing emotions is not because he is incapable of committing to a relationship. There is likely another serious reason for this problem, and it may be that he is emotionally inept. In this case, it is recommended that you two see a couple’s counselor so you both can get to the bottom of this issue. If you both desire to have a successful and harmonious relationship, you may find great help in seeing a counselor together. When your boyfriend is finally comfortable with expressing his emotions, your relationship will likely change for the better. Your boyfriend may also grow to feel much more comfortable with day-to-day life as he might feel a sense of freedom when he can tell others how he feels.

A desire for control over conversations

Emotionally inept people tend to want to have control over their conversations. They want to be the person asking the questions, not the one answering them. If they ever feel out of control during their conversations, they can be quick to anger. If you have noticed that when you talk about your partner’s feelings, he gets angry or uncomfortable, he might have an issue managing his emotions. Simple questions like, “How do you feel about our relationship?” or “How do you feel about me?” should not set someone off, unless they were asked excessively.

Are you able to pinpoint specific circumstances where your boyfriend got angry very quickly when you asked him about his feelings? If so, this may be a cause for concern. Lashing out when someone else is in control of conversations or asks one question can be a red flag. The only reason the questions could provoke annoyance or anger would be if you asked him repeatedly and did not stop asking when he asked you to stop. However, if you have been romantic partners for a while and you asked him how he feels about you once and that caused him to get angry, this may be a sign he is emotionally inept.

Unwilling" to "Unwillingness

While many people like to keep their past behind them, especially at the beginning of romantic relationships, it is healthy to talk about the past at some point. Letting your romantic partner in on what you have experienced in the past can help them get to know you better. You don’t have to go into great detail about your past mistakes or other romantic relationships, but talking about your childhood and favorite memories should occur. 

Emotionally inept people sometimes refuse to talk about their past with anyone. They keep it all a secret, both good and bad memories because they don’t want to reveal what has hurt them. Sometimes, they avoid talking about their past entirely so what caused them emotional trauma doesn’t come up.

Do you know about your boyfriend’s past? Do you know what his childhood was like, what his relationship with his parents was like, or something difficult he had to face before you met him? These are all very normal things to discuss with your romantic partner, as it will help you get to know him better. When you have asked him about his past, does he shut down or get angry? He may be avoiding the topic of what hurt him emotionally. If he is open to it, he might benefit from counseling so he can process what hurt him, rather than just blocking it out.

Distant or avoidant behavior

Is your boyfriend able to go days or even weeks without checking back in with you? While you two shouldn’t need to keep constant tabs on each other, as romantic partners, it is normal to fill each other in on your weekly plans. If your boyfriend seems to disappear and then “pop up” days later, he may be considered distant. This does not always indicate being emotionally inept, as some people prefer to be independent and have busy schedules. However, most people who are emotionally unavailable prefer to keep the people closest to them out of the loop. This is to avoid allowing people to get too close to them, as this may bring up conversations about feelings and emotions.

Dr. Harriet Lerner reminds readers to not take a distant partner’s actions personally. If you are unsure why he is so distant, starting a conversation about how you would like to spend more time with him is a good idea. Depending on his response, you will get a good idea if he is just a busy person or doesn’t want you to see his true emotions. If he is accepting and says he will have to find time in his schedule, he is likely just used to being independent, which is a great quality to have. On the other hand, if he gets angry or suspicious of you wanting to spend more time together, he may be intentionally keeping you at a distance.

Navigate relationship challenges in online therapy

If you have noticed some red flags in your boyfriend and believe he is emotionally inept, it is highly recommended that you encourage him to go to counseling. Whether you two attend couples counseling or he attends individual counseling, he should seek support in working out his emotions.

Regain is an online platform through which matches are made with licensed therapists. These therapists can meet with you or your partner individually or together. Either way, you can schedule meetings at a time that's convenient for you, and you can meet right at home—or wherever you have an internet connection.

Online therapy has helped many individuals—as well as those in relationships—to sort through complex issues such as sharing emotions. No matter where you live—an urban or a rural setting or anywhere in between—online therapy is available to you.

Your boyfriend deserves to feel comfortable with his feelings and emotions, and you deserve to be told how he feels about you. Whether you or your boyfriend see a counselor or you end up working through things together, there is the possibility of growing closer and being able to share how you feel with each other. Be sure to offer your partner some grace as they go through the process of trying to be more emotionally available.

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