How To Become Emotionally Available After Heartbreak
Do you find it hard to get close to anyone new since your last heartbreak? Have you told yourself that you would rather be alone before you allow anyone else to hurt you? Many people experience these feelings after the sudden loss of an emotional connection. In fact, research has shown that a romantic heartbreak can lead to bereavement symptoms similar to the loss of a loved one. These symptoms include insomnia, compromised immune function, and intrusive thoughts. Recovering from heartbreak can be difficult, and the pain alone may keep you from wanting another relationship, leaving you to wonder if you will ever let your heart be open to love again. This article will take you through the causes of this type of emotional unavailability and introduce strategies in resilience while showing you how to become emotionally available again.
Removing the barrier around your heart
How many times have you heard someone say that they had to pull away from a personal situation or a person because they were about to "catch feelings?" While this colloquialism sounds like developing feelings for someone else is like contracting an incurable disease, it actually reveals that the person is keeping themselves from forming any emotional link or feel affection for the other person. Thus, they leave the relationship before it becomes more than superficial.
People have different reasons for building barriers around their hearts. This is especially true for emotionally unavailable men who have been repeatedly hurt. It isn't easy to let someone else get close when you've recently been heartbroken or are holding on to past heartbreaks. If your true desire is to find and fall in love again, you will need to find a way to let your guard down. At first the prospect of letting yourself become vulnerable again can seem overwhelming, know that you can teach yourself to become emotionally available.
What does emotionally unavailable mean?
When a person is emotionally unavailable, they may have no problem in forming a new relationship. Yet, maintaining the relationship becomes a challenge when they are incapable of moving beyond a certain point, especially on an emotional level. The term "emotionally unavailable" describes a person that builds barriers to avoid an emotional connection to another person. It is different from being emotionally absent, characterized by a person being out of touch with their emotions and unable to connect to themselves. Emotional unavailability can be temporary or chronic, dependent upon the causes. People who experience emotional unavailability can use anger, criticism, and keep a busy schedule to create distance from the person with whom they are starting to get close.
According to a Dr. Lindsay Jernigan, a licensed clinical psychologist in South Burlington, Vermont, when someone is emotionally unavailable “they are not comfortable feeling their own emotions, sharing emotions with others, or being present and responsive to someone else’s emotions”. Unfortunately, when in a relationship with someone emotionally inept or unavailable, the other person feels unwanted, unloved, and alone.
What causes a person to become emotionally unavailable?
Emotional unavailability can be extremely painful for a person who wants and is trying to have a personal connection with someone else. Whether temporary or chronic, knowing someone who is emotionally unavailable can be quite perplexing, making them feel like their relationship is straddling a fence.
What causes people to become emotionally unavailable? There are a variety of reasons that people cut themselves off from feeling too much. Many situations can emotionally damage someone that is not listed in this article, but here are some very common reasons:
A recent breakup
The most common cause of a person with no prior attachment issues becoming emotionally unavailable is the failure of a relationship that they placed a high level of value. In this case, the disconnect is temporary. It has been adapted to shield them from feeling the pain of loss and rejection.
Traumatic childhood events
The way that a person was raised also has an impact on their emotional availability. Children are incredibly sensitive to attachment when developing and quickly adapt to their environment according to how they are treated. Their behaviors are learned through watching the adults in their lives, especially their parents. A parent's inability to connect on an emotional level has a direct impact on a child. Remember that the parent/offspring relationship is the first emotional relationship that a person experience.
Being raised by emotionally unavailable parents can lead to several problems. They may become highly uncomfortable in emotional situations and shut down. When attachment wounds are not healed properly in childhood, they may develop unhealthy attachment styles as an adult.
Stressful surroundings
Contrary to popular belief, being emotionally unavailable can also be the result of stressful surroundings. Everyone handles stress differently. Some people are emotionally sound enough to face their anxieties and fears head-on. For others, detachment becomes the coping mechanism when placed in a stressful situation. In some ways, it's reminiscent of the innate fight or flight response. Retreating when under pressure by shutting down is the natural response for someone who has faced emotional trauma. If you are unsure if you are emotionally unavailable, continue reading to read over some indicators.
How do you know if you are emotionally unavailable?
Some people put up barriers on purpose. For others, it is an unconscious form of self-preservation developed after a heartbreak. Here are some common signs to watch out for that reveal if you are having issues being emotionally available:
Being extremely critical
Taking an honest look at yourself, do you tend to be more critical of people you date? For example, you stopped seeing someone because of the way they eat their corn on the cob or chew their bubble gum. Emotionally unavailable people have a hard time dating. They look for small reasons to cut people off. Furthermore, disconnecting and breaking up with people is done with ease.
What was the cause of your last breakup? Do you see a pattern taking place in your behavior? Being self-reliant and assured is separate from fearing a connection with someone. If there is no pattern in your behavior, there may be nothing to worry about. However, a noticeable pattern may suggest the need for self-evaluation.
Finding humor in traumatic memories
Do you find yourself responding to questions about your past, childhood, or personal life with jokes? Is it easier to make light of the topic than it is to give an honest answer? An emotionally unavailable person may have no trouble with communication until the topic becomes too personal or invasive. This may be because they have a history of unhealthy attachment from their parents or a trauma background which causes them to shy away from intimacy. Thus, they struggle with forming deep bonds and may avoid getting into conversations that they feel are too "heavy."
Finding an inappropriate amount of humor in traumatic memories is another way an emotionally unavailable person keeps people away. In your mind, it is safer to be guarded and vague. This behavior can be discouraging to potential partners but protects you from being vulnerable to being hurt or rejected again.
Placing blame
Refusing to accept any fault is another common giveaway for identifying emotional unavailability. If someone is unable to acknowledge their barriers and tends to place blame on everyone else, it is possible that they cannot deal with their flaws. Their habit of placing blame usually results in driving people away, even if it is unintentional.
These are just a few signs of emotional unavailability. If you want to be honest about your emotional state, ask yourself:
- Are you harboring any ill feelings toward the opposite sex or your preferred type? Are they the butt of your jokes?
- Is the thought of being heartbroken again stopping you from falling in love?
- Do you feel like you're always waiting for something bad to happen when things seem to be going well?
How to change your emotional status
Being emotionally unavailable is not a life sentence. As previously stated, changing your emotional status is in your control. The first step is identifying the root cause of your emotional unavailability. Keep in mind that it is not necessary to keep everyone "just within reach." While relearning or learning for the first time how to be emotional available takes time, there are steps you can take to guide you along the journey:
Create stronger bonds
A great way to start becoming emotionally available is to create stronger bonds with relatives and the people you consider friends. As you become adapted to allowing people to get closer to you, it will begin to feel second nature and easier for you to do so when you are dating.
Avoid negative relationships
Spending time with people that are persistently negative about the people in their lives is counterproductive for what you are trying to accomplish. They are not helping you to see the positive in others, nor easing your ability to regain trust in relationships. Make it a point to spend time with people that are vibrant and have thriving relationships. This will give you a realistic view of what emotional connections can look like when they are healthy.
Stop running away
If you are constantly concentrating on why your relationships have never worked out, take some time to try to find the reasons. Recognizing the behaviors that cause the relationships to fail can help you. Once you understand the "whys," you will be able to work on yourself and change these behaviors. You can try to write it out in a journal, as putting your thoughts on paper may clarify some reasons. If you are unable to reach this place, working with a mental health professional can help provide you with the support you need to move forward.
Reaching for support
Becoming emotionally unavailable is not unusual. Many people experience times when they cannot connect with other people, especially after heartbreak. As previously stated, disconnecting emotionally can be considered a learned behavior and understanding how to reconnect will take work. However, the reward of being able to maintain long-lasting, healthy relationships will be worth it.
Often the reason for emotional disconnectedness can be sourced in an underlying mental health disorder or unresolved intrapersonal challenges. If you are hesitant to find out if there is something deeper going on psychologically because of the concern about the stigma attached to therapy, you have the option to attend online therapy.
Additionally, if you are in a relationship and you or your partner are struggling to be emotionally available, you may want to consider relationship counseling. A licensed counselor will help you move on from the trauma you faced and help you become emotionally available again.
Takeaway
Experiencing heartbreak can be life-changing and may cause a cascade of emotions that is extremely challenging. It may even keep you from wanting to allow yourself to be open with another person again. When you look within and find your strengths and innate beauty, you can begin to take steps forward to becoming emotionally available. It is understandable if you are unable to find this space alone. Do not hesitate to talk to a dear friend or reach out to a therapist for support.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What does it mean to be emotionally available?
Being emotionally available means that you are open and honest about your thoughts and feelings. You’ll likely have an emotional connection established within yourself and between your loved ones.
Being emotionally available can also mean being open to new relationships and forming new connections. They are often willing to become emotionally invested in friends, family, and other loved ones (and receive love and support in exchange).
What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?
Emotionally unavailable people and emotionally unavailable partners may build barriers that prevent them from developing intimacy with another person. While emotionally unavailable people can enter relationships, they may have difficulty maintaining the relationship if they cannot openly face and communicate their feelings.
You may have had (or have) a partner with emotionally unavailable tendencies. You may have seen them lash out, have a hard time connecting with others, or otherwise struggle to express emotion healthily. An emotionally unavailable person might come off as distant, cold, or uncaring to an unknowing outsider.
When you are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally distant, they may feel unwanted or neglected by their partner. An emotionally unavailable person needs to do the work to become vulnerable and face their feelings, but having a sound support system and encouragement from others certainly makes things easier.
Why am I unable to open up emotionally?
The primary source of emotional unavailability differs from person to person, but there are many reasons why someone might struggle with this issue.
They may have experienced a form of rejection in the past. They may also have experienced adverse consequences because of showing emotion.
As a result of their past experiences, emotionally unavailable partners and individuals may find themselves struggling with revealing their emotions to anyone else besides themselves. Major life events, such as those listed below can also result in the emotional distance, making it hard to open up about all of your feelings to others:
- Recent breakup
- Past trauma
- Past instances of domestic or familial mistreatment
- Dealing with infidelity or other betrayals of trust
- Losing a loved one
- Losing a job
How do I make him become emotionally available?
You can help your partner overcome their negative emotions by being there first and foremost.
However, you cannot make someone who isn’t emotionally available into someone entirely on your own. Emotionally unavailable partners must recognize that they may be running away from their feelings. Reducing emotional distance from loved ones and friends is difficult, but it’s a task that requires deliberate effort and patience.
Another way to provide help for your partner is to encourage them to seek out Some people may find it easier to speak to a professional about what is keeping them from opening up to those around them. Therapy sessions can help people experience how safe, comforting, and satisfying it is to be emotionally available and vulnerable.
How do you get a guarded person to open up?
You can support a guarded person by being there for them and showing them that they are in a welcoming and safe environment. Most importantly, try and be patient with your partner. They are likely going through a difficult time and need all the support that they can get.
If they are trying to heal themselves or work through the challenge of processing repressed emotions, it can help them make the healing process as smooth as possible. Feelings of love, support, and encouragement may be all you need for your partner to feel more comfortable embarking on this journey.
If you want to learn how to open yourself up (if you are emotionally unavailable yourself), you can begin by examining and reflecting on your feelings. By learning how you feel and understanding which emotions are dominant in your day-to-day life, you may be better equipped to open up with others and practice vulnerability, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
You may have noticed your emotional unavailability affecting romantic relationships and other areas of your life. If you treat yourself as a top priority, you may make decisions that will help improve your health, wellbeing, and overall quality of life in the long run.
Why do I like emotionally unavailable guys?
You may like emotionally unavailable guys because of something that happened in your past. For instance, one or both of a person’s parents may have been emotionally unavailable when growing up. Having experience with times where your emotional needs weren’t met might predispose you to be vulnerable to these sorts of situations in the future.
Thus, people may date emotionally unavailable guys because they have experience in being around emotionally absent people. Another reason could be that a person may not want emotional intimacy in a relationship. If there is a chance of an emotional connection forming, the person may leave the relationship in response.
There are countless reasons you may be attracted to individuals with harmful or toxic traits, and through reflection, you can likely discover your reason for liking emotionally unavailable guys. Once you recognize the roots of your concerns, you can try to break free from your habits.
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