How To Become Emotionally Available After Heartbreak

Updated October 19, 2024by Regain Editorial Team
Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that could be triggering to the reader. Please see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

Do you find it hard to get close to anyone new since your last heartbreak? Have you told yourself that you would rather be alone before you allow anyone else to hurt you? Many people experience these feelings after the sudden loss of an emotional connection. In fact, research has shown that a romantic heartbreak can lead to bereavement symptoms similar to the loss of a loved one.  These symptoms include insomnia, compromised immune function, and intrusive thoughts. Recovering from heartbreak can be difficult, and the pain alone may keep you from wanting another relationship, leaving you to wonder if you will ever let your heart be open to love again. This article will take you through the causes of this type of emotional unavailability and introduce strategies in resilience while showing you how to become emotionally available again.

Getty/AnnaStills
The Fear of Being Hurt Again Can Take A Toll

Removing the barrier around your heart

How many times have you heard someone say that they had to pull away from a personal situation or a person because they were about to "catch feelings?" While this colloquialism sounds like developing feelings for someone else is like contracting an incurable disease, it actually reveals that the person is keeping themselves from forming any emotional link or feel affection for the other person. Thus, they leave the relationship before it becomes more than superficial.

People have different reasons for building barriers around their hearts. This is especially true for emotionally unavailable men who have been repeatedly hurt. It isn't easy to let someone else get close when you've recently been heartbroken or are holding on to past heartbreaks. If your true desire is to find and fall in love again, you will need to find a way to let your guard down. At first the prospect of letting yourself become vulnerable again can seem overwhelming, know that you can teach yourself to become emotionally available. 

What does emotionally unavailable mean?

When a person is emotionally unavailable, they may have no problem in forming a new relationship. Yet, maintaining the relationship becomes a challenge when they are incapable of moving beyond a certain point, especially on an emotional level. The term "emotionally unavailable" describes a person that builds barriers to avoid an emotional connection to another person. It is different from being emotionally absent, characterized by a person being out of touch with their emotions and unable to connect to themselves. Emotional unavailability can be temporary or chronic, dependent upon the causes. People who experience emotional unavailability can use anger, criticism, and keep a busy schedule to create distance from the person with whom they are starting to get close. 

According to a Dr. Lindsay Jernigan, a licensed clinical psychologist in South Burlington, Vermont, when someone is emotionally unavailable “they are not comfortable feeling their own emotions, sharing emotions with others, or being present and responsive to someone else’s emotions”. Unfortunately, when in a relationship with someone emotionally inept or unavailable, the other person feels unwanted, unloved, and alone. 

What causes a person to become emotionally unavailable?

Emotional unavailability can be extremely painful for a person who wants and is trying to have a personal connection with someone else. Whether temporary or chronic, knowing someone who is emotionally unavailable can be quite perplexing, making them feel like their relationship is straddling a fence.

What causes people to become emotionally unavailable? There are a variety of reasons that people cut themselves off from feeling too much. Many situations can emotionally damage someone that is not listed in this article, but here are some very common reasons:

Getty/Xavier Lorenzo

A recent breakup

The most common cause of a person with no prior attachment issues becoming emotionally unavailable is the failure of a relationship that they placed a high level of value. In this case, the disconnect is temporary. It has been adapted to shield them from feeling the pain of loss and rejection.

Traumatic childhood events

The way that a person was raised also has an impact on their emotional availability. Children are incredibly sensitive to attachment when developing and quickly adapt to their environment according to how they are treated. Their behaviors are learned through watching the adults in their lives, especially their parents. A parent's inability to connect on an emotional level has a direct impact on a child. Remember that the parent/offspring relationship is the first emotional relationship that a person experience.

Being raised by emotionally unavailable parents can lead to several problems. They may become highly uncomfortable in emotional situations and shut down. When attachment wounds are not healed properly in childhood, they may develop unhealthy attachment styles as an adult. 

Stressful surroundings

Contrary to popular belief, being emotionally unavailable can also be the result of stressful surroundings. Everyone handles stress differently. Some people are emotionally sound enough to face their anxieties and fears head-on. For others, detachment becomes the coping mechanism when placed in a stressful situation. In some ways, it's reminiscent of the innate fight or flight response. Retreating when under pressure by shutting down is the natural response for someone who has faced emotional trauma and may indicate an underlying mental health condition. If you are unsure if you are emotionally unavailable, continue reading to read over some indicators.

How do you know if you are emotionally unavailable?

Some people put up barriers on purpose. For others, it is an unconscious form of self-preservation developed after a heartbreak. Here are some common signs to watch out for that reveal if you are having issues being emotionally available:

Being extremely critical

Taking an honest look at yourself, do you tend to be more critical of people you date? For example, you stopped seeing someone because of the way they eat their corn on the cob or chew their bubble gum. Emotionally unavailable people have a hard time dating. They look for small reasons to cut people off. Furthermore, disconnecting and breaking up with people is done with ease.

What was the cause of your last breakup? Do you see a pattern taking place in your behavior? Being self-reliant and assured is separate from fearing a connection with someone. If there is no pattern in your behavior, there may be nothing to worry about. However, a noticeable pattern may suggest the need for self-evaluation.

Finding humor in traumatic memories

Do you find yourself responding to questions about your past, childhood, or personal life with jokes? Is it easier to make light of the topic than it is to give an honest answer? An emotionally unavailable person may have no trouble with communication until the topic becomes too personal or invasive. This may be because they have a history of unhealthy attachment from their parents or a trauma background which causes them to shy away from intimacy. Thus, they struggle with forming deep bonds and may avoid getting into conversations that they feel are too "heavy." 

Finding an inappropriate amount of humor in traumatic memories is another way an emotionally unavailable person keeps people away. In your mind, it is safer to be guarded and vague. This behavior can be discouraging to potential partners but protects you from being vulnerable to being hurt or rejected again.

Placing blame

Refusing to accept any fault is another common giveaway for identifying emotional unavailability. If someone is unable to acknowledge their barriers and tends to place blame on everyone else, it is possible that they cannot deal with their flaws. Their habit of placing blame usually results in driving people away, even if it is unintentional.

These are just a few signs of emotional unavailability. If you want to be honest about your emotional state, ask yourself:

  • Are you harboring any ill feelings toward the opposite sex or your preferred type? Are they the butt of your jokes?
  • Is the thought of being heartbroken again stopping you from falling in love?
  • Do you feel like you're always waiting for something bad to happen when things seem to be going well?

How to change your emotional status

Being emotionally unavailable is not a life sentence. As previously stated, changing your emotional status is in your control. The first step is identifying the root cause of your emotional unavailability. Keep in mind that it is not necessary to keep everyone "just within reach." While relearning or learning for the first time how to be emotional available takes time, there are steps you can take to guide you along the journey: 

Create stronger bonds

A great way to start becoming emotionally available is to create stronger bonds with relatives and the people you consider friends. As you become adapted to allowing people to get closer to you, it will begin to feel second nature and easier for you to do so when you are dating.

Avoid negative relationships

Spending time with people that are persistently negative about the people in their lives is counterproductive for what you are trying to accomplish. They are not helping you to see the positive in others, nor easing your ability to regain trust in relationships.  Make it a point to spend time with people that are vibrant and have thriving relationships. This will give you a realistic view of what emotional connections can look like when they are healthy.

Stop running away

If you are constantly concentrating on why your relationships have never worked out, take some time to try to find the reasons. Recognizing the behaviors that cause the relationships to fail can help you. Once you understand the "whys," you will be able to work on yourself and change these behaviors. You can try to write it out in a journal, as putting your thoughts on paper may clarify some reasons. If you are unable to reach this place, working with a mental health professional can help provide you with the support you need to move forward and start showing more emotional availability.

Getty/AnnaStills
The Fear of Being Hurt Again Can Take A Toll

Reaching for support

Becoming emotionally unavailable is not unusual. Many people experience times when they cannot connect with other people, especially after heartbreak. As previously stated, disconnecting emotionally can be considered a learned behavior and understanding how to reconnect will take work. However, the reward of being able to maintain long-lasting, healthy relationships will be worth it. 

Often the reason for emotional disconnectedness can be sourced in an underlying mental health disorder or unresolved intrapersonal challenges. If you are hesitant to find out if there is something deeper going on psychologically because of the concern about the stigma attached to therapy, you have the option to attend online therapy. 

Additionally, if you are in a relationship and you or your partner are struggling to be emotionally available, you may want to consider relationship counseling. A licensed counselor will help you move on from the trauma you faced and help you become emotionally available again.

Takeaway

Experiencing heartbreak can be life-changing and may cause a cascade of emotions that is extremely challenging. It may even keep you from wanting to allow yourself to be open with another person again. When you look within and find your strengths and innate beauty, you can begin to take steps forward to becoming emotionally available. It is understandable if you are unable to find this space alone. Do not hesitate to talk to a dear friend or reach out to a therapist for support. 

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