Dealing With Emotions: How To Get Them Under Control

Updated March 15, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

Joyce Meyer once said, "Your emotions are very unstable and should never be the foundation for direction in your life." While this is Some were advice, many people find themselves daily struggle with their emotions for many different reasons. And, if you're like a lot of people, you didn't even know that you could learn how to control your emotions. That makes dealing with emotions very hard.

Want to discover more ways to cope with your emotions?

You can get control of your emotions. It's not always an easy process, but it's well worth the time invested in it. The following information will help you learn about dealing with emotions and how to control them.

Learning to identify your emotions

Before you can learn how to handle your emotions, you need to know how to recognize them. This is difficult for some people.

It could be how you were raised

Some were raised in homes where emotions were not something that you talked about. Children in these homes have a difficult time learning how to deal with emotions.

Their parents made it so that emotions were something that wasn't talked about. This isn't usually because they are trying to cause their child to struggle. Instead, it's usually a sign that the parent has low emotional intelligence. They most likely aren't comfortable with emotions because they were raised in the same type of situation. And, it might be more than just not wanting to talk about their emotions; they may not know how to identify what they are feeling.

A common example that many in society are familiar with is the saying, "boys don't cry." When young boys are raised to follow this mantra, they start to stuff their emotions. They learn to believe that it's not OK for them to show emotions like hurt and sadness because it's a sign of weakness. This is, of course, not true, but for those boys, they believe that it is.

Alexithymia

Alexithymia is a condition that "refers to a person's inability to identify or verbally describe his or her feelings. The psychiatric syndrome is prevalent in patients with psychosomatic problems, substance abuse, and anxiety disorders, but Alexithymia symptoms occur along a continuum." But just because you don't struggle with one of the problems listed here doesn't mean that you don't struggle with this condition. According to Spectrum News, it's believed that as many as one in ten people falls on the alexithymia spectrum.

This means you could struggle with feeling any feelings at all, or you might have a hard time expressing them. At the end of the spectrum, people don't feel the emotion that is normal in a situation and instead learn what their emotional response should be from watching others and then act in that same way.

Getty/PeopleImages

How to identify emotions

The emotions that we are most familiar with are the same ones that appear in the Disney Pixar movie Inside Out. They include:

  • Happiness
  • Sadness
  • Fear
  • Disgust
  • Anger

If you want to control your emotions, you have to become good at identifying what you're feeling. Take time to learn about the different emotions and the different degrees that they can happen. Watch how other people show and talk about their emotions. Look for examples of appropriate and inappropriate responses. Keep a journal of your emotions for several days. Write down what happened and how it made you feel. You don't have to show this to anyone else. It can be completely just for your eyes.

Pay attention to causes and responses

Once you know how to identify what emotion you're feeling, you need to start learning what your normal responses are. The journal that we just talked about is an effective way to help you do this. By tracking your feelings and responses, you can begin to see what areas could use a little improvement.

Besides your responses, journaling can help you learn to identify what causes some of your more intense or extreme emotions and responses. If you can find out what upsets you, you will start doing a better job of catching your emotions before they are out of control.

Let's use the example of road rage. If, after journaling for a few days, you realize that you often deal with arguments as soon as you get home from work, you will want to look at what's causing those arguments. Maybe you discover that you are constantly stuck fighting your way through bumper-to-bumper traffic on your way home from work. As soon as someone cuts you off, your anger skyrockets, and you are filled with road rage. If you don't have your emotions in check, it can be hard to dial it down. That means you get home from work and you are already angry. If you walk into the house and there is anything else frustrating, such as arguing with kids or a messy house, it can be just enough to push you over the edge, and you lash out in anger.

But, as soon as you realize that traffic is a trigger for you, you can learn to be aware of it. As you drive home, you can pay attention to your anger levels and even proactively do things to reduce your anger. This could include listening to an audiobook that you enjoy, practicing breathing exercises, or repeating a favorite saying, mantra, or verse in your head.

When you learn about the causes behind your emotions, you can start to recognize your emotions faster and learn what changes you can make.

Understanding the power of your thoughts

You can learn how to control your thoughts. But if you don't realize that you are capable of it, your emotions will control your thoughts. That means if you're happy, then you will have happy thoughts. But if you feel sad or angry, your thoughts will go in the same direction. This can cause us to go to extreme thinking.

For example, if you're feeling lonely and sad, your thoughts might start to be things like:

  • No one likes me
  • Everyone else has friends, and I'm all alone.
  • No one cares about me or what I do.

These thoughts can spiral out of control and contribute to unhealthy thought processes. And, this can work for any emotion; it doesn't have to be sadness. If we allow our emotions to control our thoughts, then it's likely that we will go the extremes in our thinking.

But if you are aware of this, you can stop the cycle. Instead of letting your emotions be in control, you can put your thoughts in control. You can purposefully choose what you're going to think about. So, if you feel sad and lonely, you can choose to think something like, "I am loved and cared for. I can enjoy this time on my own."

It's OK to choose things that you don't feel at first. If you choose the thoughts and continue to focus on them, eventually, your emotions will start to work to match your thoughts. This is not a process that takes place overnight. And, it might feel like a lot of work at first. But if you stick with it, you will be able to gain control of your emotions.

Understanding that your emotions can lie to you

Your emotions aren't always accurate for the situation. This is why you don't want to allow them to be in control. An example of this is fear. This emotion holds many people back from doing the things that they want to accomplish in life. They feel fear, but there isn't something threatening that's happening to them.

When you understand that your emotions are not always telling you the truth, it's even more motivation to start choosing your thoughts and allowing them to impact your emotions instead of the other way around.

Getty/Vadym Pastukh
Want to discover more ways to cope with your emotions?

A therapist can help you get control

If you have been struggling with emotions for years or have been through a situation that has left you feeling out of control, talking to a licensed therapist is helpful. They are trained to help you process through the situations in your life and learn how to identify your feelings. They can also teach you important coping skills that you can use when you feel like your emotions are starting to take control.

This can help you when you're in the early stages of learning how to control your responses.

Gaining control of your emotions can change your life. You can notice an improvement in your confidence levels and your relationships. The process might take time but stick with it and don't be afraid to ask for help.

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