Breaking Up With A Narcissistic Partner: How To Get Through It And Recover
Breaking up with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) might be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but the rewards may far outweigh the difficulty. Many people may not realize the amount of abuse they experience from a partner with NPD, and recovering from the relationship may take time. Here's how to get through the breakup and find your way to a healthier, happier life.
How to get through the breakup with a narcissist
Ending a relationship is never easy. When you're leaving someone with NPD, it can be even more difficult. Getting through the breakup is a major challenge, but it helps to have a breakup plan. Do the following things to survive the turmoil.
Remind yourself of their narcissistic traits
It's important to remember that you’re ending a relationship with someone who may be largely incapable of being a good partner. They're not just a little self-absorbed or overly confident. They may have a diagnosable personality disorder. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists nine traits of NPD:
- They have a grandiose sense of self-importance.
- They're preoccupied with fantasies like unlimited success, brilliance, power, beauty, and perfect love.
- They believe they're special and unique and that only special or high-status people can understand them.
- They need excessive admiration.
- They exhibit exploitative interpersonal behavior.
- They lack empathy.
- They envy others and believe that others envy them.
- They display arrogant behaviors or attitudes.
Someone with NPD has at least five of these nine traits. However, unless you have training in psychology, it can be challenging to determine if their attitudes and behavior add up to narcissistic personality disorder.
Don't believe their promises
People with NPD make a lot of promises, especially if they think you're about to leave them. They can be very good at building up your hope, only to dash it if you stay. They may swear they've seen the light and are now committed to treating you better. Unfortunately, their seemingly generous promises are typically just a ruse to get what they want.
Don't excuse the damage they've done
Just because someone has NPD doesn't mean you need to make allowances for them, especially if they’ve caused you emotional damage. The healthiest way to think about that is to understand the cause and ensure it stops. If you're dating someone with NPD, the only way you can prevent the damage likely is to leave them.
Break off all contact with the narcissist
A relationship with a narcissist can never be completely healthy, and you may never find peace as long as you allow them a space in your life. They may continue to make your life miserable if you let them. So, avoid going anywhere that they might be when you can. Don't talk to them on the phone unless it's necessary for practical purposes. Block them from your social media, too. The less contact, the better.
Feel and process your fears -- don't ignore them
Being with a narcissist can generate a lot of fears when you're ready to break up. You might be afraid you can't make it without them because they may have invested much time into telling you just that. You might have real financial challenges, too. A part of dealing with these fears is working out a plan to save up for the split, manage your money more wisely, or find a better job.
You might also be afraid they will find someone else who will make them better. Narcissists are likely to move on quickly but are unlikely to change. Their personality is a very stable part of who they are. When you can remember this, you may stop fearing that you'll miss out on something good.
Recovering from a relationship with a narcissistic person
Once you get past the initial breakup, you must find a way to heal. You need to learn from the experience, rebuild your life, and reclaim your mental health. You can do that in several ways.
Shift your focus to yourself
When you're with someone with NPD, they are usually very good at keeping your focus on them. Now that you've gotten away from them, you need to shift that focus back to yourself, your needs, and your wants. Think about issues that matter to you. Consider what makes you who you are. Put yourself first for a while.
Manage the emotional pain
After the breakup, you'll likely feel a lot of emotional pain. You might feel sad, hurt, angry, or bewildered. You can do some things to manage the pain, such as journaling. Write about how you felt about those experiences during the relationship and how you feel now. You can also use creative activities to express your pain.
Rebuild your self-esteem
While you were with them, your partner may have spent a lot of time building themselves up, but they may have also put a lot of effort into knocking you down. Now that you're away from all that, you'll need to work on your self-esteem. Spend some time thinking about and listing your positive qualities. Do things you're good at to remind yourself of your skills and talents. Celebrate your accomplishments. A therapist can also help you discover more ways to rebuild your self-esteem.
Set better boundaries
Doing so involves setting firm boundaries for what is acceptable to you in a relationship. Then, don't let anyone cross those boundaries.
Do things you enjoy
Your partner likely ensured they got to do the things they enjoyed. Unfortunately, that probably resulted in you not getting to do what you love. Now is a great time to get back to your passions and interests. Do what makes you happy, either alone or with supportive, empathetic people.
Meet new people and go on dates
Social contact is an essential part of life. Connect with the friends who have stuck by you through this challenging time in your life, or make new friends who weren't involved with your narcissistic mate. Go where people are. Get involved in community activities or hobby groups. If you want to go on a date, allow yourself that pleasure. It's probably best not to jump into another serious relationship until you have experienced some healing. Still, you can get out, be with someone you enjoy, and have a good time.
Learn what a healthy relationship looks like
The final key to recovering from a relationship with someone with NPD is understanding what healthy relationships look like and developing the skills to make one work. This can take time, and it helps to have a relationship expert on your side to support you and guide you through the process.
Online therapy can help
You can talk to a counselor about all these issues and get the support you need to heal from your relationship and move forward with your life. If you’re interested in starting treatment, consider online therapy.
Online therapy is a convenient, affordable, and effective way to get the help you need to heal. When you sign up, you’re matched with a licensed professional who is available to start helping you right away. You can attend sessions from the comfort of your own home or anywhere you have an internet connection. Plus, you can communicate with your therapist in a way that works for you, whether via video chat, phone, text, or email. Research provides strong support for online therapy, with one review of 14 studies finding that online treatment is just as effective as traditional in-person therapy. If you’re ready to get started, take the next step with Regain.
Takeaway
Breaking up with someone with NPD can be particularly challenging, especially if you have dealt with emotional and mental abuse that has made you doubt yourself. If you need support after your breakup, consider talking to a therapist online.
Frequently asked questions:
Do narcissists regret breaking up?
Narcissists may have appeared charming during a relationship, but going through a breakup can be extremely difficult. A question many people often wonder is whether or not narcissists regret breaking up. For the most part, a narcissist will only return if they believe they can gain something from reaching back out. A narcissist can regret giving up a part of a relationship, but a true narcissist will not regret the fact that you have broken up. However, surface narcissists may feel regret deep down as they are not quite as narcissistic as a true narcissist. Your place in regard to the association of the narcissist depends entirely on their place on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum. It can have an impact on whether or not they regret breaking up. Some narcissists may regret breaking up because they feel they are giving up a part of themselves but may not actually regret losing you.
What does a narcissist do at the end of a relationship?
Being involved with a narcissist can be difficult, regardless of how kind and charming a narcissist may have appeared in the early days of a relationship. At the end of a relationship, a few common actions a narcissist will take will indicate they have now chosen to leave. Usually, narcissists will find many things to blame you for to pin the end of the relationship on you. However, if you are the one who decided to end the relationship, a narcissist will often attempt to convince you that you have made a mistake for the sole reason that they wish to reestablish control. Narcissists can seem charming, and this strategy can often be effective, even if you were ready to leave. Surface narcissists may even acknowledge their narcissistic tendencies and promise to change, but it is still best to break up if you experience challenging emotions and situations. Expect when your break up for the narcissistic partner to potentially push emotions and blame in your direction rather than acknowledge their actions.
How does a narcissist heal after a breakup?
After leaving a narcissistic relationship, a narcissist will find another source to direct their narcissistic tendencies. This may be a different person, whether a friend in their life or even making attempts to reestablish a relationship with you. For the most part, a narcissist doesn’t regret losing their partner; rather, they regret losing control of a relationship and the influence of attention they had. Expect when you break up for your former narcissistic partner to reach out, even for small favors that will give them some sense of control or attention. It’s best to break off the complete association of the narcissist so that a new bond to the narcissist is not established. Decide when you are ready to leave a bond to the narcissist and focus on building up the heart to leave.
Do narcissists know they are hurting you?
Whether they had narcissistic parents, a narcissistic relationship in the past, or developed narcissistic tendencies, a narcissist may never realize that they are hurting you. Additionally, even if they do realize they may not care. A narcissist, overall, still feels some empathy, and narcissistic personality disorder is a spectrum. Some who grew up with narcissistic parents may view their behavior as normal. Some narcissists may actually feel deeply disappointed in themselves after realizing the hurt they’ve caused you and attempt to change, whereas others may ignore the pain they cause. Being involved with a narcissist can make it difficult to build up the heart to leave, considering that narcissists can seem charming and apologetic. However, choose to leave when your partner refuses to acknowledge the pain they have caused you and show no signs of stopping.
Do narcissists end up alone?
Not all narcissists end up alone. A narcissistic personality disorder is a spectrum, and some people may have had narcissistic parents, and they exhibit a couple of their parents’ tendencies from development. Alternatively, surface-level narcissists may just come across as full of themselves and want attention, but their actions aren’t overly bad. Narcissists of these types may actually end up in long-lasting, happy relationships. However, true narcissists whose personality disorder drives every action may find themselves lonely in life. There is no guarantee that a narcissist will end up alone or in a relationship at some point in their life.
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