Five Characteristics To Build Your Definition Of A "Soul Mate"

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the word “soulmate” as “a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament” or “a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs.” 

Many people define the term “soulmate” similarly for themselves, and if they call someone their soulmate, they likely feel that the person is a good match for them in multiple ways. Generally, soulmates have an emotional connection, understand the other person’s temperament (and feel that it pairs well with theirs,) and have values or a value system that aligns with one another.

While these areas are a start, there are plenty of other things to consider when building a definition of “soul mate” that suits you best.

1. Introvert vs. extrovert

Most people are familiar with these traits, and they’re a standard label for compatibility. Those who identify as introverts commonly prefer introspectiveness and stay to themselves, usually socializing with only a few close friends. People who consider themselves extroverts, on the other hand, enjoy spending time at parties or with a crowd engaging with many people. They may prefer to use their time and mental effort to engage with others. 

Some feel that their soul mate must be an introvert or extrovert; others prefer a combination of the two characteristics. When building your definition of a soul mate, it helps to consider your own personality and how you identify socially. A mismatch may cause friction over how you spend your time together. 

For example, if you are an introvert and your partner is an extrovert, they may want to share their love of sporting events or live music with you, which can cause discomfort for you if you feel nervous around crowds. It can also be disappointing for them when they can’t share the things they care about with you. 

Having a soul mate that differs from you in this way might feel intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be a “deal breaker” for your relationship. Communication and a willingness to compromise can make your differences easy to work around or even complement each other. 

2. Sense of humor

It might be challenging to establish a soul-mate-level bond with someone who has an entirely different sense of humor than you do. While it is normal for couples to differ in humor in some ways, it’s much easier if you can find some way for you and your partner to laugh together. 

There are so many humor styles; it is not likely that you and your significant other will match up perfectly. However, if you both enjoy dry humor, you've found a common element. You and your partner might prefer dark wit or aggressive humor. Even if you and your significant other enjoy varying degrees of each style of comedy, you can find something to laugh about together.

When building your soul mate definition, consider what kind of humor best matches your own. What jokes do you laugh at? What kind of jokes would you like your partner to tell you? Knowing the answers to these questions can help you to develop the best definition for your soul mate.

3. Interests and hobbies

While building your definition of a soul mate, consider what hobbies and interests are non-negotiable in a partner. If you’re incredibly passionate about something, it’s vital for your soul mate to be open to learning about it. 

For example, maybe they don’t have a current interest in art but are willing to attend new showings and art events with you to understand you better. Or you might be a big sports fan—if your partner has no interest in sports at all, you might struggle with spending time together or sharing a topic of conversation you can mutually engage in. This can affect your relationship because of the lack of common ground in something important to you.

4. Physical traits

If an individual is truly your soul mate, it is unlikely that their physical traits will deter your desire to spend time together. However, many consider it an important quality when building a soul mate definition. Your soul mate might be a best friend with no sexual attraction. If that is the case, does their appearance matter? But if your soul mate is someone you plan to fall in love with, the initial attraction might play a role.

When thinking about your ideal partner’s physical appearance, it’s important to stay realistic and flexible. The stereotypes that society teaches us are attractive are seldom one-size-fits-all. If you limit yourself to a specific trait (dark hair vs. light hair), you may miss out on “the one” because you were hung up on something unimportant in the long run. 

5. Values

A person's values are often the most important characteristics for compatibility and defining their soul mate. "Personal values" is a blanket term that can include any number of important things to a person. Some common topics within a person's value structure are religion, kindness, and generosity.

For some people, religion is a significant consideration. A clash in religious views can lead to arguments over how to raise your future children (if you want children in the future), handle certain situations, spend your money, and more. For others, values begin with simple philosophies like treating others how you’d like to be treated or refraining from judging people based on shallow standards. 

Consider your own values when searching for your soul mate. If religion is essential to your system, do they need to follow yours, or are you open to blending faiths? Are there conditions for how much kindness a person needs to possess for you to be compatible as soul mates? Answering important questions like these can help lead you to someone who shares your values and understands the important things to you. 

Explore compatibility in online therapy

Shaping your definition of a soul mate requires an evaluation of what is important to you in a partner. It also requires you to understand that no matter how many qualities they have that you consider compatible with yours, your soul mate isn’t perfect. Like you, they’ll have room for growth and qualities that could use some work. Also, a soul mate doesn’t have to be someone you’re seeking romance with. Your soul mate can be a best friend or family member you feel especially bonded with. 

While the concept of a soulmate may suggest complete compatibility without effort, relationships are almost always more complicated than that. People’s personalities and life circumstances change with time, and relationships require constant attention to evolve successfully with them. Some couples cope with these changes well, and others don’t. If you both want to make the relationship work and are willing to put forth the effort, coping and communication skills can be learned. 

Many successful couples seek advice from a relationship counselor to learn such skills. The right counselor can help couples identify differences that require further exploration, understanding, and empathy. From there, couples learn to work with those differences to make simple compromises and incorporate them into the relationship's personality. 

Online platforms like Regain are an excellent place to find the perfect counselor with a background in relationships and intimacy and the experience it takes to address your challenges. You can speak with a counselor online through Regain at your convenience from home or anywhere with an internet connection via phone, text, online messaging, and video chat. Online therapy isn’t only accessible and convenient, but it’s also more affordable than traditional in-person therapy without insurance. 

A growing body of research also indicates that online couples therapy is as effective as conventional therapy. For example, in a 2020 publication in Frontiers in Psychology, 15 couples attended sessions via video chat once a week for six weeks, focusing on typical relationship challenges such as managing differences, communication, self-change, and intimacy issues. 

The findings report that the couples felt that “videoconferencing created an element of ‘distance’ from the therapist that allowed them to feel a greater sense of control and comfort.” They also reported overall beneficial and positive outcomes to the therapy and easier adherence to the treatment plan recommended by their counselor. 

Takeaway

Finding your soul mate may be the first step, but cultivating a healthy relationship with them is a lifelong endeavor that requires effort from both parties. If you’re facing challenges, it’s important to understand that it doesn’t mean you aren’t compatible. Consulting a couples counselor online can help you overcome common hurdles and move forward successfully together.