Anger In Relationships: Eight Signs Anger Is Causing Relationship Problems
Anger is a common problem in relationships, but sometimes partners may not understand how it affects one another or contributes to other concerns surrounding their relationship. The type of behavior displayed when someone is angry can say a lot about how that person handles their emotions. How anger affects a relationship can be based on the frequency of outbursts and their intensity. Uncontrolled anger can interfere with daily living and relationship growth. Understanding how anger affects relationships can help partners clarify how to express and manage their emotions with one another effectively.
Eight signs of anger problems in a relationship
It is common for partners to deal with mishaps that lead to emotional distress and challenges to their mental health. A partner may get frustrated when they feel attacked or ignored. Sometimes anxiety is a contributing factor when one hasn't learned how to express their emotions in a way that doesn't hurt or offend others. To gain perspective on how anger issues affect relationships, here are some signs to consider when assessing whether anger is a problem for one or both partners.
They lack awareness of their emotions and anger management
Partners need to be able to identify and manage their emotions so that they can resolve conflict and other issues together. When someone lacks awareness of their emotions, they often lose control of their feelings, making it more difficult to empathize with their partner. Learning to be aware of one’s feelings can improve one’s ability to control them. Partners can also come to understand how their actions influence the emotions of others. Further, being aware of one’s emotions can help a person find newer, healthier ways to process them.
They don’t practice assertive communication in their relationship
Assertiveness and aggression are two different things. Aggression is more likely when a partner is passive in their communication, making one come off as weak. Someone who is angry may struggle with assertiveness and instead come off as aggressive. They may have feelings that should be expressed but don't bother to talk about them. Instead of seeking a solution to a problem, they may make their partner out to be the enemy or think their feelings matter most. Every person has a different communication style that allows them to understand different perspectives and positions. Learning how to communicate assertively lets each partner remain true to themselves while still expressing their needs. It is possible to stand up for oneself and control one’s emotions without attacking someone else unnecessarily.
They rely on unconstructive self-talk
A partner may have a distorted view of different situations when anger is present. When their perspective is unclear or incorrect, it can lead to irrational thoughts that influence how they respond to or during an emotional outburst. There are many ways people fall prey to such negative thoughts, such as seeing themselves as a total failure, self-defeating, dwelling on negative details, maintaining negative beliefs despite positive experiences, jumping to conclusions, and over-exaggeration, to name a few. Such thinking can make it a challenge to be rational when dealing with anger.
They belittle their partner with minimizing behaviors
Anger and aggression may show through behaviors that make a partner feel hurt or less than others. Such behaviors may include name-calling, yelling, and physical contact through hitting. Sometimes, the person expressing their temper may blame their partner for their actions, but they lack understanding of why their feelings affect them as they do. Reducing such behaviors requires taking responsibility for their behavior, including when it's abusive. In domestic violence situations, such behavior often occurs more frequently.
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
They make their partner feel like they’re walking on eggshells
If your partner has anger issues, you might feel like you're walking on eggshells. You may be aware of the specific actions that could lead to a temper tantrum and avoid certain situations to prevent your partner’s anger. You may disagree with your partner, but avoid letting them know you don't agree just to keep the peace. Additionally, you might feel scared to speak up because you believe they will only become upset. Avoiding such actions can often be a short-term fix to something that may cause serious signs of relationship strain or problems in the long term.
Their partners give in to avoid outbursts, not out of love
A person with anger issues may get what they want because others give in to avoid dealing with their temper. Such behavior is likely when dealing with people outside of your relationships, such as family and friends. You may not be the only one to recognize anger issues in your partner. Or you may identify personal anger concerns based on how people respond to the emotions you express.
They have difficulty enjoying activities or carrying out tasks
Anger issues may show up during activities or tasks that have become less enjoyable or more difficult to complete. Stress and tension could be contributing factors. When a partner is upset about something that hasn't been resolved, a snowball effect may make regular activities challenging to complete without getting into an argument.
Their anger in relationships leads to mental health problems
Unresolved anger may become aggressive, leading to emotional or physical harm. It may include intimidation, making threats, name-calling, bullying, punching a wall, throwing an object, or harming another person. Passive-aggressive behavior is also possible, such as giving your partner the silent treatment, slamming a door to show your anger, or trying to gain sympathy when not warranted.
Unaddressed anger may lead to dangerous scenarios or become a destructive force in a relationship. When emotions are not expressed and validated, anger can become a severe issue. Problems may not get the attention or solutions they deserve, and unhealthy behaviors may result when relational issues go unresolved.
Anger management tips for relationships
It can be important for each partner to take responsibility for their actions. Sometimes a partner may resist anger by ignoring it, only to let out their emotions in greater intensity later on. Understanding why you get angry and learning how to express yourself in a healthy way can help keep the relationship strong and supportive. Here are tips to consider when assessing ways in which you or your partner can manage their anger:
- Obtain a clear understanding of one's feelings and thoughts before responding. Sometimes anger occurs when a person feels attacked by their partner without understanding why they reacted with intense emotion.
- Assess how anger occurs in the relationship and determine red flags, signaling a lack of anger control. There are emotional and physical states you can learn to recognize, such as emotionality, feeling overwhelmed, anxiety, rage, and irritability. Physical symptoms such as headaches, increased blood pressure, chest tightening, tingling, and heart palpations may also signal the presence of anger.
- Consider ways to work on your anger. When you feel upset, think about why. Learn to take responsibility for your emotions by owning your anger. You’ll find that it is often more about you than your partner. You may object to your partner's actions, but how you respond is connected to your emotions. You can learn to be in control of your emotions by learning to accept them.
- Be supportive of helping your partner with their anger. They can do as described in the previous point or try other methods of anger management. Try to be objective about your partner's thoughts and perceptions and considerate of their feelings.
- It can also be helpful to speak with a couples counselor or therapist about your concerns with anger. Working with a relationship specialist may allow you and your partner to experience emotional growth that encourages a healthier relationship.
It is natural to feel angry within reason, but it can also be important to learn how to control and express your anger. A healthy relationship exercises coping skills that keep anger from becoming destructive. There are ways to learn how to express, hear, and respond to anger to understand the cause and work toward reestablishing an emotional bond and trust that both partners deserve.
Online counseling with Regain
Unaddressed, frequent anger can lead to resentment and continual conflict in a relationship, among other things. People who may have a certain trigger from trauma can be more prone to anger. If this is the case, it might be beneficial to speak with an expert about the things that trigger you or your partner. By working with a licensed expert, you can learn how to get your angry feelings under control. Regain offers online counseling for couples and individuals who may be impacted by anger and other issues. Talking about what makes you angry can be difficult, but the interface of online therapy may give you the security you need to be transparent. You can connect through video calls, phone calls, or in-app messaging, depending on what you’re comfortable with.
The efficacy of online counseling for anger management
Researchers have found that online treatment for anger works. In a study conducted by the Centre for Psychiatry Research at Karolinska Institutet in Sweden, researchers found that “four weeks of therapy delivered over the internet can help people with anger and aggression.” These results were published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology and are promising for individuals who would like to learn how to manage their angry feelings.
Takeaway
Anger is a natural human emotion, but it can cause problems in a relationship when it is constant or threatening. Recognizing that you have anger issues can be one of the first steps in changing how you react and communicate. Anger management can be learned through online therapy sessions, whether individually or as a couple. Gaining more control over your anger can help you experience a greater quality of life and a healthier relationship with your significant other.
What does anger do to a relationship?
Anger has the potential to ruin a relationship if it is not kept under control. A cycle of anger can lead to resentment, and it can also escalate to the point of abuse. Although anger can be unavoidable, it’s necessary to learn how to handle it more constructively and healthily and not in a way that negatively impacts your romantic relationship.
If you struggle with controlling your anger, it can help to find a therapist who can help teach you how to healthily express yourself. There are many anger management techniques that you can learn through counseling, and it is even effective online if you prefer not to attend sessions in person.
How do I improve my mental health to stop being so angry?
Uncontrolled daily anger and destructive tendencies in a relationship can be unhealthy for everyone involved. To stop these constant angry feelings, try thinking before you speak and react. Focus on yourself rather than your partner. Take a deep breath and consider what you are about to say or do. Next, state your concerns clearly, using “I” statements rather than placing blame. Use humor to lighten the situation, if possible, and take a break from the conversation if it’s getting too heated. It can help to regularly engage in stress-relieving activities, such as exercise and self-care.
It’s also recommended that you find a therapist or start attending couples counseling if your adult relationships have been negatively affected by the cycle of anger. A professional can help with many types of individual issues as well as relationship-related problems. If your anger stems from another ailment, such as chronic pain, be sure to see a doctor and learn about how you can treat the root of the problem.
Is rage and anger in relationships a sign of love?
It’s possible to experience anger because you care about something. Therefore, love and anger are often intertwined. However, uncontrolled anger can quickly become a problem in a relationship if it is not addressed. Anger that turns to abuse is not loving. Be sure to get the help you need to learn how to handle your anger more constructively. You may want to find a therapist who can help you work through your struggles with anger and the negative effects it has had on your relationships.
Is being angry with rage normal in a relationship?
Anger is a natural emotion, so it’s normal to feel some degree of anger in a relationship during conflict or difficult times. However, rage can lead to reactions that escalate problems if not managed properly, leaving both partners feeling stuck in negative patterns. The trouble can start when you handle that anger in unhealthy ways that can be hurtful to your partner. Anger is a sign that you’re feeling a sense of injustice, so it can help to point out when you believe something is unfair. What you do with that anger determines whether it’s healthy or unhealthy. The behaviors you engage in and things you say when you’re feeling angry can either help your relationship grow and evolve, or they can lead to resentment and even be detrimental to your relationship.
What are the signs your relationship is over?
If you’ve started spending much more time with friends and family than your partner (or vice versa), this could be a sign that you’re no longer willing to put effort into your relationship. If you no longer feel an emotional connection to your partner, aren’t interested in intimacy with them, constantly get into conflict, don’t trust them, or your goals don’t align, these could all be signs that your relationship may be over.
Are anger issues a red flag in a relationship?
Yes, anger issues can be a red flag, especially if they lead to harmful or angry responses that make you feel unsafe or stuck. It's important to assess whether your partner can develop healthy ways to manage anger and address their emotions respectfully. Unchecked anger can also affect self-esteem and overall happiness or other feelings, creating long-term challenges in the relationship.
How do you respond to anger in a relationship?
When anger arises, try to stay calm and focus on the issue without escalating the situation. Listen to your partner, but also encourage them to create a more constructive way of expressing their emotions. A respectful response can de-escalate tension and prevent reactive reactions that might create bigger conflicts.
How do you tell if your partner has anger issues?
If your partner struggles to manage anger, frequently has angry responses, or directs their frustration in ways that hurt others, it may indicate anger issues. Look for signs like difficulty expressing other feelings or constant irritability. It can also be helpful to monitor physical symptoms like high blood pressure that can result from unresolved anger. Pay attention to whether they seem stuck in negative patterns or unwilling to work on their behavior.
Why do I get so angry at my partner?
Anger often stems from unmet needs, feeling unheard, or being triggered by underlying issues like depression or stress in your life. Reflect on your emotions and figure out what might be causing your reactions. Openly listen to your partner and share your concerns to develop healthier communication.
Should you ignore your partner when you're mad?
Ignoring your partner can make them feel disrespected and stuck, and it rarely solves the problem. Instead, take a moment to cool down if needed, then have a respectful conversation about your feelings. Handling anger constructively can strengthen your relationship and help you manage challenges in marriage or everyday life.
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