Am I Being Gaslighted? How To Recognize Psychological Abuse In Your Relationship

Content warning: This article includes references to abuse and other topics that may be considered triggering. Please proceed with discretion. If you are experiencing or witnessing any form of abuse, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation. When you’re being gaslit, you may find yourself questioning what’s real, what’s true, and what you’ve been told. This can be distressing and challenging in any social interaction, but in romantic relationships, it can be especially problematic. In this article, we will explore what gaslighting is, how it can affect you, and what to do when you suspect you’re being gaslit in a relationship.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that involves making a person question their sanity, memories, or perceptions of events. Those who engage in gaslighting may make statements that contradict the truth, and then continue to stand by their story despite conflicting facts or recollections. For example, someone might insist they came home early, even though you remember seeing on the clock that it was well past midnight when they arrived. When confronted about this, instead of owning up to the lie, they might dig their heels in, using statements to make you question your perception, such as:

• “Are you sure you read the time right?”
• “Maybe you just didn’t get enough sleep last night. Your memory is foggy.”
• “You’re crazy. I was definitely home before ten.”

Gaslighting is a subtle way of influencing a person to behave or think a certain way. Often, it is used as a way to gain control over someone by manipulating their perception of events. In some cases, this can even be considered a form of psychological abuse. 

In relationships, gaslighting can lead to a variety of consequences for one’s emotional and mental health, including increased stress, depression, anxiety, reduced self-esteem, and difficulty trusting others. 

How to address gaslighting in your relationship

Managing gaslighting in a relationship can be tricky because of how close you may be to your partner. They likely know you better than most people, and may therefore be better equipped to make you question your thoughts and memories. That said, there are a few steps you can take to identify and manage gaslighting in your relationship. These include:

Noticing when it’s happening

The first step to addressing gaslighting is to recognize when it’s happening. Rather than being pulled into a false narrative, try taking note of your recollections of events and comparing these to what your partner is claiming. This can give you a sense of how often gaslighting is occurring, in what situations, and to what extent.

Removing yourself from the situation

Because gaslighting is a form of manipulation, it can cause significant distress and confusion—both in the moment and afterward. For this reason, if you often find yourself feeling confused or distressed about what your partner is telling you, the best option may sometimes be to end the interaction and give yourself some space to process your thoughts and emotions. If you ever feel unsafe around your partner, it’s especially important to remove yourself from the situation and get help. (If you are experiencing or witnessing any form of abuse, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.)

Knowing when to leave the relationship

Similarly, sometimes the best method for dealing with gaslighting in a relationship is to know when to leave. Your mental, emotional, and physical health should always be a priority. If patterns of abuse or toxic behavior emerge in your partner, you might consider ways of leaving the relationship in order to prioritize your well being.

Seek outside support

Sometimes, gaslighting can be difficult to tackle alone, especially if it’s being accompanied by other forms of abuse or manipulation. In these cases, it may be helpful to seek outside support, either from support groups, friends and family, or other resources. If you are grappling with the effects of gaslighting in your relationship, therapy may also be an option worth considering. A licensed therapist can help you make sense of your partner’s behavior, decide your next steps, and develop strategies for tending to your well being. If gaslighting is a symptom of an underlying issue in the relationship, a couples counselor may also be able to help you and your partner get to the bottom of it and identify a path forward.

That said, in-person therapy is not always a feasible option, particularly for those with busy schedules and other life commitments. That’s why many people are instead opting for online therapy through platforms like Regain (for couples) and BetterHelp (for individuals). The ability to attend therapy from wherever is most convenient, and to message a counselor with questions outside therapy hours, may make this an appealing alternative to face-to-face counseling—especially for those facing gaslighting in their day-to-day interactions. 

Online therapy has been shown to be effective in various studies. One, from 2022, found that couples therapy delivered via videoconference had similar effects as in-person counseling when it came to improving relationship satisfaction and addressing symptoms of anxiety and depression. Another study, from 2017, found that internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy was an effective treatment for a range of mental health disorders, including panic disorder, depression, bipolar disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. 

Takeaway

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that involves making people question their memories or perceptions. This can have various mental health consequences for the person being gaslit, such as anxiety, depression, and reduced self-esteem. Methods of addressing gaslighting in a relationship include taking note when it happens, removing yourself from the interaction, knowing when to leave the relationship, and seeking outside help. 

Therapy, either in-person or online, may be a useful resource for moving past gaslighting in a relationship. If you would like to explore online therapy, you can get matched with a licensed therapist via a platform like Regain (for couples) or BetterHelp (for individuals). If you are experiencing or witnessing any form of abuse, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.