Marriage: How Do You Know If He’s Not The One?

It’s natural to want to predict if marriage with your significant other will be successful, and it’s also natural to have some doubts, especially if you have unresolved conflicts or differences. If you’ve been with your current partner for a while, you may have wondered whether he truly is “the one” for you. Here are a few signs that indicate you might not have a future with him and tips on how you can get help and move on if you determine that he isn’t the right guy for you.

You have different goals for the future

Future goals can have an enormous impact on the direction that a relationship takes, and it’s a common influence on why people go separate ways.

For example, it’s common for young relationships to end when each partner leaves for different colleges, joins the military, or decides to pursue a future that takes them away from each other. Not all separations need to involve distance or education and career goals; they can include life goals as well. 

For example, some couples feature one member who wants to get married and start a family eventually and one who doesn’t. If you want different things and it's far past the point of compromise, the man you're dating may not be the one. 

Lies, trust issues, and jealousy

Trust can make or break a relationship, and if you feel that you can’t trust him or he’s shown signs that he doesn’t trust you, it may be an indicator that he isn’t the one. Rebuilding broken trust is significantly harder to do than earning it with someone initially. Once trust is broken, it can be difficult to rationalize trusting someone again unless they prove they are trustworthy. 

If your man lies, cheats, or steals from you, he has already given you a solid reason not to trust him. These things can be addressed in counseling, but if you’ve already tried to work on these things without any results, it might be best to move on.

Jealousy is another issue that, in excess, can quickly ruin a relationship. A certain amount of jealousy may be healthy for your relationship, and it can be an indicator that he values you. Still, there’s a fine line, and it can become obsessive and abusive. If you’ve only been open and honest with him and you have nothing to hide, yet he still obsessively inquires about your whereabouts or insists on keeping track of whom you are talking to at all times, he may not be the one, and it may even create a toxic relationship between you. 

You’re not attracted to him anymore

Looks often fade with time, which is why many people value a good personality more than attractiveness. While healthy relationships aren’t usually built on physical attraction alone, it may be important not only for sparking that initial interest but maintaining it as well. 

This can be particularly true if it has negatively impacted your sex life. For most, sex isn’t everything, and it’s not mandatory in every relationship (i.e. if it’s understood and agreed upon), but for most couples, it does have a significant role. Therefore, if you’re not attracted to him anymore, and there’s nothing you can do to change that, even with counseling, it could prove to be a “dealbreaker” in the relationship. 

There is no mutual respect

Like trust, respect is another vital building block of any healthy relationship, and if you or your partner lack this essential aspect, it can be difficult to resolve. If he doesn’t take you seriously, rolls his eyes at the things that you say, speaks to you with sarcasm, or ignores you and doesn’t makes you feel insignificant in his life, these are all a few signs that he doesn’t respect you.

Like trust, respect can be worked on, but if you’ve tried to do so without success, your relationship might not be reparable. According to the Gottman Institute, criticism and, in particular, contempt are the most common communication styles known to end relationships. These are often born from a lack of respect between partners and, like most other issues, can be addressed with counseling and relational work. 

Excessive arguing and unmanageable conflict

It’s normal for most couples to argue and experience conflict now and then in their relationship. In fact, many experts say that it’s healthy as long as the participants are “able arguers.”

However, it’s best if the disagreements are addressed and resolved through compromise. If it seems that it’s always “his or way or the highway,” you don’t ever seem to benefit from the conflict’s resolution, or you can’t seem to manage the conflict effectively together, it may be a sign that he’s not long-term marriage material. 

Your friends and family don’t like him

While it’s not always the best thing to make major life decisions based on others’ pressures, if the people who love and know you the best don’t like your partner, it’s entirely likely that he has given them a reason not to. Only you can ultimately decide what’s best for you, but you may take into consideration and think rationally about what they have to say about the situation. 

If you’re not sure, think back on his behavior around you and match it with what they have to say. Do their opinions seem to align with your experiences of his behavior? Do they make valid points about their opinions? Is it possible your thinking could be biased against their opinions, making it difficult to think in a clear, unbiased way about their points? These are all important questions to ask yourself when determining whether you should take their advice to heart and break ties. 

He’s unwilling to invest the time and effort in working on it

If you express concerns only to be met with ambivalence, it’s likely that he’ll continue to neglect your relationship and won’t do the work needed to make it strong and healthy in the future. If that's the case, it may prove fruitless to continue working on it if you’re doing it alone, and the issues won't change simply by staying together if he's not willing to change himself.

How do you let go of someone who isn't right for you?

If you have determined that someone's not right for you and it's time to move on, it’s vital to be honest with yourself and the person you're seeing. It may help to be direct and decisive if you don’t want to stay together, especially in the interest of saving his time and yours. 

This does not mean that you should be harsh; honest yet respectful is the best approach. It may be a time of sadness for you both, but if you’re confident, you’ll know you’re doing the right thing by not “stringing them along” when you've determined that it's time to move on.

Is he the one? Ask an online relationship expert

Everyone processes break-ups differently; some people are confident to move on, and others struggle and wonder if they’ve made a mistake. If you’ve decided that he’s not the one, you may feel unconfident about how to go about cutting ties. Once you have told him you don’t think you have a future together and you’ve gone your separate ways,  it’s important to stick to your choice so you may move forward—which can also be difficult.  

It’s completely normal that you might need some extra support during times like this from people you trust, especially if you were in a long-term relationship and you have a long history together. Reaching out to a mental health professional can be extremely helpful. A therapist is there to listen to the inner thoughts and feelings you may have about relationships and discuss the ways they impacted your recent breakup, and they can be an invaluable resource when navigating the potential difficulties of newly single life. 

Many think they don’t have time for or can’t afford therapy. In that case, online counseling is an excellent option. Online platforms like Regain match people with therapists from a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences tailored to people’s unique situations. Whether you need a diagnosis and treatment for a mental health issue such as depression or anxiety or are working through lifestyle complications like a difficult breakup that affects your well-being, a Regain counselor can help.

You can talk to your therapist online at your convenience from the comfort of your home or anywhere with an internet connection via phone, text, online messaging, and video chat. Virtual counseling is often more affordable than traditional therapy without insurance, and a growing body of research indicates that it’s just as effective. For example, a recent literature review discussing the effects of online CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) found high levels of patient satisfaction with virtual therapy, and in some cases, online CBT was more effective than conventional therapy for treating depression within the participant group. 

Counselor reviews

Here are some counselor reviews from Regain clients managing similar relationship difficulties: 

“My experience with Priscilla has been immensely helpful in better understanding myself and providing me with the tools to see my life and relationships with more clarity and compassion.”

“Dr. Burklow literally saved our relationship. I was honestly ready to call it quits. We joined Regain approximately two months before our wedding: that was six months ago. Needless to say we are now husband and wife. Since then, we learned tolerance and acceptance, not only of each other, but of ourselves. We began feeling and behaving like teammates as opposed to opponents. Though we looked forward to our weekly Tuesday night video sessions we knew couples therapy was not meant to be long term. In the short amount of time, Dr. Burklow provided us with the necessary tools to deal with conflict and ensuring a successful and healthy union. Thank you again Dr. Burklow!”