My Mom Hates Me: 7 Things You Can Do When You Feel Hated By Your Mother
Updated December 17, 2020
Medically Reviewed By: Kelly Kampf
It feels awful to be hated by anyone. It feels especially terrible when this hate seems to be coming from your own mom.
It can be tricky to understand where these feelings come from and how best to address them. Many times, when you feel like your mom hates you, this is genuinely not the case—there may be other factors and conflicts at play that are causing tension in your relationship.
However, if you feel the hatred you perceive is more serious, long-term, or otherwise harder to individually manage, it is crucial to understand what your options for external support are.
If you feel that you have exhausted all of your options to better your relationship with your mom, or if you suspect you are a victim of abuse, know that you deserve to get help.
If your feelings are new, or if you want to understand them better, it might be helpful to break them down. In this article, we will help you better understand your feelings, identify them, and also provide resources and options for someone who is genuinely hated by a parent.
Here are seven things you can do when you feel like your mom hates you.
1. Identify Where Your “My Mom Hates Me” Thoughts Are Coming From
Think about why you feel like your mother hates you. It may help to get out a pen and paper and write about your feelings for ten or fifteen minutes.
Ask yourself some questions about the situation.
Did a specific instance trigger your thought of “my mom hates me?” Or is this more of a general feeling? Maybe you got into a fight, during which your mom actually said she hates you, or perhaps she forgot something important to you. Perhaps nothing specific happened, but you feel like your mom treats you differently from your siblings. Maybe you just have the sense that she hates you.
Whatever the case, just knowing where your feelings are coming from can help. You may realize that your mom doesn’t really hate you but was angry and said something she didn’t mean in the heat of the moment.
You may also realize that there’s something your mother repeatedly does that makes you feel bad. While this may be a painful realization, remember that it is easier to deal with a specific situation than a general feeling of “my mom hates me.” Once you understand your beliefs, you can better express them to your mom or mental health professional.
2. Manage Your Expectations and Get on the Same Page
We have expectations for everyone. We expect strangers to waiting in line at the grocery store, not cut in front of us. We hope our friends to listen to us if we’re going through a rough time. And we tend to expect a lot from our mothers.
You and your mother may have different expectations of what it means to love someone.
It’s entirely possible that your mom loves you very much—but she shows it in a different way than you would expect her to or want her to
Think of a situation in which a child hates piano lessons. The mother knows that the child hates piano lessons, but she still makes her go every Tuesday night. The child thinks her mother must hate her and that this is some form of cruel and unusual punishment.
However, the mother is likely not thinking of this at all. In fact, she might be thinking that playing the piano is a great skill. Maybe she thinks it will help her child get into college and build a better future for herself. Perhaps the mom even wishes that her own mom gave her this opportunity, and she thinks she’s giving her child a great gift.
It’s entirely possible that your mom has your best interest at heart, even if, to you, it doesn’t feel that way.
It’s also possible that your mother doesn’t realize what your expectations are, or that there is a legitimate reason that your mother can’t meet them.
Think about your expectations of your mom. Are they realistic? If they are, does she realize what you want? Is there a legitimate reason why she can’t meet these expectations? And is it possible that she is showing you that she loves you in a different way than you want to be loved?
Understand that your mom is your mom, but she’s also a person. She’s liable to make oversights. She doesn’t always know how you feel, especially if you haven’t told her. If you feel like your mother is failing to meet basic expectations, like caring for and respecting you, you are not doing anything wrong by expecting better from her.
Working to understand the reality of the situation, in this case, can help you determine if it is something you may be able to work on together or if it may be time to seek outside help.
3. Don’t Take It Personally—Try to See Your Mom’s Point Of View
Sometimes a situation has nothing to do with you—but you feel like it does. Welcome to Personalization.
Personalization is a type of cognitive distortion. When reality and how you perceive reality don’t match up, you experience what’s called a cognitive distortion.
The cognitive distortion of personalization makes you feel like a situation that is beyond your control is all your fault. You blame yourself for events that you don’t—and can’t—control.
It’s easy to start to think, “my mom hates me” if she speaks harshly to you or snaps at you, or if you struggle to find time to spend with her. In cases like this, it’s possible your mom’s behavior has nothing to do with you. Likely your mom is in a bad mood. She may be overworked, overstressed, or dealing with another problem.
Think about your mom’s circumstances. Maybe she recently lost her job, or maybe she’s currently overworked. Is it possible that she had a bad day? She could have let out her frustrations on you.
It may feel like it isn’t fair to simply look past or forgive actions, words, or other behaviors that hurt your feelings or make you upset.
Your emotions and reactions are valid, and they should not be overlooked; however, it can be helpful and comforting to remember that things are not your fault. Try to remember that your mom is only human and is susceptible to bad days—just like you. In some cases, it may be best to do your best to understand and to let things go.
It is also essential to understand in which cases it may not be best to simply try and move past harmful actions or words.
If your encounters with your mother are frequently upsetting, belittling, frightening, or otherwise cause emotional or physical distress, it is essential to take them seriously. While it is normal for your mom to have her own stressors and stressful days, it is not an acceptable excuse for abusive behavior.
Part of not taking it personally may include understanding that you are not to blame for these sorts of seriously harmful relationships and that you deserve to receive the outside help and support you may need. It may benefit you to reach out to and seek assistance from support family members, friends, or professionals.
4. Talk To Your Mom About How You Feel
One of the best things you can do when you feel like your mother hates you is to talk to your mom about how you feel. Communication is a key part of problem-solving; if your mother isn’t even aware of how her actions are making you feel or does not understand their real impact, she may not know how to change for the better.
If you do decide to sit down and have a conversation with your mom, try and pick a time when both of you are relatively calm. It’s probably not best to try to talk to your mom about something serious when she is getting ready to go to work, for example, or in the middle of making dinner. You might ask your mom to take a walk and talk then. If your mom is especially busy, ask her to plan a specific time when you are both free in order to talk.
During this conversation, express your point of view and what you’ve been feeling as clearly and directly as possible. You want to help your mom to understand you.
Try to remain calm. If you need to, take a few deep breaths to alleviate anxiety. It’s easy and natural to feel defensive or emotional if you are talking about something that is difficult and painful, but it’s important to focus on your communication rather than emotion. Try to remember that this conversation may be difficult for your mother too.
Avoid accusatory statements; though it may be tempting, they are more likely to initiate confrontation rather than conversation. Try not to blame your mom; try to make her understand things from your point of view.
Instead, try to use sentences that start with “I feel.” For example, “I feel really bad when you don’t show up to my soccer games. Soccer is really important to me. Sometimes it even feels like you hate me.”
Your mom might be shocked to learn that you feel this way. It’s possible she did not even realize that you feel like she hates you.
Whatever the case, when you talk with your mom, she can understand what you’re feeling, and you can get some insight into her point of view. Talking about your feelings with your mother may give you both the opportunity to understand each other and hopefully start to form a solution.
If you’re not able to talk with your mom, or if your issues with your mother have been going on for a long time, you might want to seek out a qualified mental health professional. Remember that you are not – and don’t have to be – alone. You might consider talking to a counselor on ReGain.us, who can offer you advice on your home and family. Their diagnosis, treatment, and informed professional advice can help you learn how to handle your feelings and how to best approach your relationship with your mother.
5. Spend Quality Time With Your Mom
You may feel like your mother hates you because you don’t spend enough time together. Sometimes you want to spend time with your mother, but she seems to have no time for you.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that your mom hates you. In fact, she may be (and very likely is) doing something else to take care of you and your family, or perhaps she may have demanding commitments outside of the home. Moms do a lot of stuff behind the scenes to care for their kids. Your mom may have way too many things to do every day and maybe struggling with time management. That includes making time for the important people in her life.
Remember that just because your mom has other things to do, it doesn’t mean that she hates you. This is another instance in which communication may be a useful tool; voicing your feelings about distance in your relationship with your mother may help her to realize how her actions have been affecting you.
If you do have the chance to spend quality time together, make the most of that time.
Think about things your mom likes to do and plan a “mom date.” If she loves rom-com, ask her to go to the movies. If she studied art in college, ask her to go to an art show or a gallery.
Try to avoid anything that might be triggering. If you tend to argue about spending too much money, don’t suggest shopping or going out to an expensive restaurant—and instead plan something free or cheap: play a game, do a puzzle together, go swimming or fishing at the lake.
Sometimes, your mom really might be too busy to hang out with you. Remember that this doesn’t mean that she hates you or doesn’t want to spend time with you. In this case, you are not a problem, nor are you a burden. She may just have a lot on her plate.
If your mom is short on free time, you can still try to spend time with her. See if there is any work around the house that you can do together. You can plan to cook dinner together one night. You can offer to help her in the garden. You can fold laundry and watch a tv show together.
Doing housework together might not be the most exciting thing in the world, but it can be an excellent opportunity to spend time with your mother when she’s especially busy—to show her that you care about her.
It’s also an excellent time to talk with her. Maybe while you’re cutting up potatoes, she can tell you a story about her childhood.
If you have trouble thinking of what to talk about, brainstorm a few ideas before you actually hang out. You can ask your mom about the tv shows or music she liked as a kid, or see if she’ll tell you some stories about your own childhood. You can ask her about her first job or how she learned to drive. If you’re worried about conversation flowing with anyone, not just your mom, a great place to start is with asking questions and listening to the replies carefully. You might be surprised how much you learn about your mom.
Another way to spend time with your mom is to plan a weekly ritual. Maybe every Wednesday night, you can watch a favorite tv show together. You can go for a walk on Fridays or clean the whole house on a Sunday. Even a small ritual can be an excellent way to check in with your mom every week and to help form a better relationship with your mother.
Overall, spending time with your mom is a great way to have a better relationship with her. Remember that there may be factors that make spending time together tricky, but that they are not your fault. Try to figure out any way to slide in more quality time with your mom, especially when you are both busy and make the most of that time.
6. Use The Power Of Gratitude
Many times if we get stuck in a cycle of focusing on the bad, it’s really easy to overlook the good. (This is another cognitive distortion!)
If you’ve felt like your mom hates you recently, you may be able to turn these feelings around by shifting your focus to the good things about your relationship with your mom.
A helpful exercise is to list at least ten things about your mom or your relationship with your mom that you love and feel grateful for. You can think about things that you like about her, but you might also think about things that she does for you behind the scenes (i.e., Does she work to support you or make you dinner every night?)
You might also think of a favorite memory you have of your mom.
Share your good memory with your mom or tell her some of the things you’re grateful to her for. Saying thank you to your mom and remembering good times you’ve shared can really work to shift your relationship with your mother back to a positive one. If you are going through a rough patch, it can also offer you the opportunity to remember moments in which you felt connected to your mother and remember that she cares for you.
Maybe your relationship issues are more long-term or complicated. In this case, offering gratitude for good moments may facilitate a healthy and productive discussion, but you also might benefit from seeking help from mental health or counseling professional. Sometimes a third party may be able to offer insight and conflict resolution that is hard to come to on your own. Remember that it is normal and understandable to feel overwhelmed, stressed, or just generally upset when trying to remedy a struggling relationship. Asking for help may be an essential step for both you and your mother.
Overall, if you can focus on positive, good things, you may be able to change your relationship with your mother for the better. Understand the role of positive and thoughtful communication, but also don’t be afraid to recognize when it may be time to seek outside assistance.
7. Get Help In Cases Of Abuse
In the case of domestic violence, you need to get help.
Domestic violence and abuse can manifest themselves in a variety of ways, and it may not be as obvious as it seems if you have become accustomed to harmful behaviors. It may even be hard to accept that you have been a victim of any kind of abuse, but it is crucial to remember that it is not your fault.
There is a difference between normal disagreements or tension and genuine abuse. Red flags may include frequent yelling or arguing, name-calling, humiliation, degradation, isolation, and other manipulative behaviors.
If you feel hated by your mother because of these sorts of situations, it may be best to realize and understand that remedying the situation might be beyond your capability. Trying to fix abusive and deeply toxic relationships by yourself can cause unnecessary stress and emotional trauma. If you suspect you are a victim of abuse, it is important to understand what your resources are to heal yourself and, if appropriate or wanted, your relationship with your mother.
It may be daunting or confusing to try and understand where to start. If you are still in school, you might talk to a teacher, school counselor, or coach. If you can’t talk to anyone at school, tell a friend’s parent, or qualified mental health professional. Let them know about your situation with your home family. They will be able to get you the help that you need.
If you are an adult, it may be harder to know where to turn. Remember that other family members and friends can be a great source of support. You may find it helpful to reach out to a mental health professional or perhaps even speak to other victims of abuse through support groups. It can be incredibly healing to have a sense of community and a strong system of support.
Please remember that if your mother is abusing you, it is not your fault. Her abuse is not a reflection of your worth, and no matter how things may feel, you are not responsible for the behavior of someone else. If you feel you are truthfully hated by your mother, it is important to set boundaries, limit exposure to toxic behavior, and get the support that you need in order to heal.
The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional.
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