I Feel Like I Hate My Mom! What Do I Do?
Family dynamics are complicated and oftentimes intense, making it natural to experience emotional highs and lows in your relationship with your parents. In a study focused on adult children and their parents, Kira Birditt, Ph.D., found that 94% reported tension in their relationship. The reason for your perceived hatred toward your mother, and whether the emotion is chronic or fleeting, may help you determine what to do about it. Hatred is a strong emotion, and you may want to consider reaching out to a licensed therapist. They may be able to provide you with more insight into your relationship with your parents, and help you determine actionable steps to address your feelings.
The American Psychological Associate defines hatred as, “A hostile emotion combining intense feelings of detestation, anger, and often a desire to do harm.” Brief feelings of hatred towards a parent can be normal during childhood and young adulthood, but if you’re experiencing lasting hatred towards your mother, it may be time to reflect on why you feel that way and what you can do about it.
Why do you hate your mom?
Before deciding how to respond to your feelings of hatred, it can be helpful to evaluate what is driving your strong emotions. Your feelings may be related to one or a combination of the following reasons, or it may be rooted in something else entirely.
Common reasons children experience hatred towards a parent(s):
- Angst Or Rebellion
- Desire For Independence
- Trauma, Physical Or Emotional Abuse, Or Neglect
- Different Values Or Morals
- Disrespected Boundaries
- Breach Of Trust
- Inconsistent Or Dismissive Parenting
- Poorly Defined Roles (Enmeshment)
- Miscommunication
- Resentment Following Divorce
- Mental Health Challenges
It is not uncommon to experience hatred towards a parent, and while in some instances you may be able to maintain a relationship with them, there are other cases where that may not be possible. If you’re unsure why you have negative thoughts about your mother, you may want to talk to a trusted friend, sibling, or a therapist to get perspective from someone else.
How to address feelings of hatred
Once you’ve come to some understanding of the reasons for your feelings, it can be easier to think about actionable steps to improve your relationship with yourself and, possibly, your mom. Here are some things you might want to consider doing:
Accept your emotions
When we repress our emotions, we may be putting ourselves at a higher risk of experiencing physical and mental health consequences. On the other hand, emotional expression can improve our mental health and well-being. It is relatively common for people to experience hatred towards a parent, and accepting the validity of your emotions is a good first step towards healing.
Establish boundaries
When you understand why you experience hatred towards your mom, you can begin to define your boundaries. For example, if your parents have different political values as you, you can ask that they do not bring up politics. Or, if your parents tend to make negative remarks about your lifestyle, you could ask that they do not comment on your differing life choices.
Establishing healthy boundaries can enable you to directly communicate your needs for your relationship with your mother, and it will give her the opportunity to respect your boundaries, which can strengthen your relationship.
For boundaries to work effectively, you will also need to know your limits and set consequences when/if your boundaries are violated.
Give yourself space
Getting some distance from a toxic parent can be helpful, especially if they do not respect your boundaries. Space can help you gain perspective on your relationship with your mother, and you can instead focus on developing stronger relationships with friends or your other relatives during this time.
Focus on a healthy lifestyle
Healthy lifestyle habits can improve your wellbeing, especially if your relationship with your parent is stressful. Try to eat a balanced diet, practice meditation or mindfulness, journal about your feelings, get enough sleep each night, reduce time spent using electronics, and nourish positive relationships. According to Utah State University, routine exercise can be one of the most effective ways to improve your mental health.
Don’t share things you don’t feel comfortable sharing
You are not obligated to tell information that you believe your mother may gossip about or try to use against you. Only talk about what you want to tell her.
Develop communication strategies
Try to be clear and upfront when you communicate, and if your mother does not communicate clearly, you can ask her to clarify what she means.
Recognize that you can’t change anyone but yourself
Even if you’re willing to work on improving your relationship with your mother, she might not be. The way your mother chooses to act is not your responsibility, and your job is not to please her. What you can control is how you respond to her behaviors.
Understand when you cannot reason with her
If your parent is being irrational, manipulative, argumentative, or immature, it may not be possible to reason with her. You do not have to explain your perspective if they will not listen, and these discussions could lead to arguments or disrespectful comments.
You don’t need her approval
Experiencing neglect, trauma, abuse, or insecure attachment in childhood may lead you to experience an increased desire for external validation and approval. When we engage in people-pleasing behaviors to get the approval of a parent, we are often doing so because we have low self-worth.
Work on building self-worth by acknowledging your skills, building healthier relationships, showing yourself compassion, being assertive about your needs, and challenging yourself to try new things.
Try therapy with your mom
If you and your parent both want to work on improving your relationship, you can try attending therapy sessions together. Therapists focused on “parental alienation” can help educate, reduce conflict, and improve communication strategies between parents and their adult children. Sites like Regain offer online therapy sessions that you and your mom can attend together, even if you don’t live near each other.
However, in instances of severe parental alienation, or cases where your parent is unwilling to disengage from alienating behaviors, family therapy may not be effective.
Cognitive behavioral therapy without your parent present
Parental psychological abuse can cause stress and contribute to the development low self-esteem and psychiatric disorders like anxiety and depression. If you or your mom does not want to work on your relationship together, you can still improve your mental health on your own.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of talk therapy that can help you identify unhelpful thought patterns and reframe them to help you cope with stressors in a healthier way. Research consistently shows that CBT can effectively address symptoms of anxiety disorders, eating disorders, depressive disorders, chronic stress, substance use disorder, and more.
A 2017 review found that online cognitive behavioral therapy is effective in managing stress and addressing the symptoms of many psychiatric disorders. Additionally, the review found that online CBT can be more cost-effective and accessible than traditional therapy.
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Takeaway
Most child-parent relationships experience occasional strain and intense emotions. However, if you feel as though you hate your mother, it may be a good to investigate the reasons behind your emotions. For your own wellbeing, it may be necessary to take actions like establishing healthy boundaries, focusing on yourself, and acknowledging that her choices are not in your control.
Unhealthy parental relationships can be hard to understand on your own, and you may want to reach out to a licensed therapist. Online cognitive behavioral therapy can effectively reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, while improving your self-worth and ability to cope with stressors.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What to do if you hate your parents?
If you hate your mother, or your mom and dad, that can be extremely painful. One option is to find a therapy service or find a treatment program to help you deal with both your emotions and why you feel that way. Some people hate their parents because their father was abusive and they blame their mother for not stopping it, they always had a strained relationship with my mother because of a mental health disorder, their mom and dad were drug addicts, or there was emotional abuse. There are so many reasons for why someone would hate their parents. However, the best way to deal with this long-lasting hatred is to see types of therapy that can address emotional instability and find a therapist to help you work through your feelings.
Is it normal to dislike your parents?
For some people is it normal to dislike their parents; however, it is usually a dislike for their parenting style. There are those who trying dislike their parents because of a volatile family life or reasons like:
- They did not have a good mother
- They were harassed about their weight as a child and developed eating disorders
- They were highly pressured over school work and good grades
- A parent left home during the person’s childhood
- There is a lack of boundaries with your parents and your personal life as an adult
- There was emotional abuse or neglect
- Their mother gave them a hard time about everything they said and did as a child
- Their mother reply to a problem was hurtful, not helpful
- They were a poor role model for how a married couple or parents should behave
- The relationship with their mother was toxic
How do you deal with a toxic mother?
Dealing with a toxic mother can be quite challenging. It is best to find a therapist to help you manage your feelings and your responses to her behaviors. While you cannot force your mother to find treatment for her issues, you can find treatment for how you deal with her. The types of therapy that address toxic parents is usually family therapy. While you may spend a long time with your counselor talking about what your life was like growing up and how your mother is toxic to your overall life, you need to feel free to discuss these things openly. Human beings need to be heard and understood, so when you find a therapist, do not expect your problems to just disappear overnight; commit to a long term relationship with your counselor to help you manage dealing with a toxic mother.
Why do mothers not like their daughters?
Some mothers want to be their daughters best friends rather than a parent. This can dramatically impact the family life of everyone involved. While it is perfectly alright to be best friends with your daughter, you need to be a parent first and make sure that you are a role model that she can depend on for both sympathy and discipline.
Mother’s typically start to dislike their daughters around the time of high school. Since high school is a time to grow more independent of your parents, they are still your moral compass. A mother then cannot loosen the reigns of their daughter when they are in high school, and tend to start to resent their daughters. Often counselors hear, “The relationship with my mother started to go south when I was in high school.” With hormones and wanting more independence, a mother/daughter relationship can become quite tarnished. It may get to the point that the mother significantly starts to dislike their daughter. Whether from a poor bond, emotional abuse, or jealousy, it is not uncommon for a daughter to feel that the relationship with my mother is dysfunctional.
Some daughters start to revolt this dislike and leave home at a young age or once as soon as the day is coming for them to be free of their mother’s control. While it is never ideal for a girl to say I hate my mother, sometimes the reality is that so much resentment has built up that she feels no other emotions. If your mother did not like you or you often say I hate my mother, find a therapist who can help you work through your emotions.
Do mothers favor their first born?
It depends. Every mother/child bond is different. You may say that the relationship with mother was great as a first born, and another person may say that the relationship with my mother was horrific, as a first born.
Is it OK to yell at your child?
Sometimes the only way you can get your point across is to yell at your child; however, you need to realize that if you constantly yell at a child you will harm your relationship and your child may find it hard to attempt communicating with you about important matters, for fear of being yelled at again.
Some children do grow up in a household where there is emotional abuse from constant yelling. They can develop bad feelings and grow up saying,“ I hate my mother because she yelled at me all the time.” Others grow up having eating disorders because of the stress of their home environment. Yelling occasionally will not harm your child long term, but making it a habit is unhealthy for both of you. Each of you may want to find a therapist to work on your relationship before it becomes toxic and unhealthy.
What do you do when your daughter won’t talk to you?
If your daughter won’t talk to you, you need to figure out why. This often takes a deep look inside yourself to see what happened that she cut you off. It often helps to find a therapist to discuss this issue with and try to determine what happened and what can be done to fix the relationship with your daughter. Some daughters grow up saying “ I hate my mother ” and get to a point where it is healthier for them to cut ties than to engage in continuous toxic treatment, especially if emotional abuse or neglect is to blame.
How do you deal with a mean daughter?
It is often best to find out why your daughter is mean, in the first place and it is recommended to find a therapist to try and determine why she is so angry. There are different modes of therapy that help for different causations. Ideally, you do not want your daughter to grow up saying that the relationship with my mother was horrible; you want to try to repair it as soon as possible. The last thing you want to see her do is start a blog titled “ I hate my mother.” If you have a mean daughter, try and get her the help that she and your family needs.
How do parents grow children?
Parenting is hard. There is no rule book and mistakes will be made. The best thing you can do is try to have a loving home, with boundaries, and have open communication with your children.
Why do mother and teenage daughters fight?
Mothers and teenage daughters can fight about anything. School work, who their friends are, their curfew, household rules, favoring one side of the family over another, and many other reasons. If your daughter gets to the point where she said my relationship with my mother is not healthy and I hate my mother, this can be a stopping point. It is best to find a therapist to see why there is so much hostility and hurt that your daughter hates you.
If your daughter has an undiagnosed mental health disorder, there are modes of therapy that can help you repair your relationship with your daughter after she gets the appropriate treatment. There are also modes of therapy for your daughter if you have an undiagnosed mental health disorder that you refuse to get treated.
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