How To Live With A Dysfunctional Family
Medically Reviewed By Chante’ Gamby, LCSWWhen you think of a dysfunctional family, you may imagine a sitcom where the family goes through all sorts of problems, only to have them resolved within the 20-minute time frame of the episode. The dysfunctional family trope came as a response to other sitcoms depicting the family as wholesome and always together. In reality, the family will have all sorts of problems, and in real life, they don't always get resolved.
It can be exhausting to grow up with your entire family being dysfunctional. You may wonder what the signs of a dysfunctional family are and what you can do to cope. In this article, we'll explain all there is to know about the dysfunctional family.
What Is A Dysfunctional Family?
It is common for families to undergo their share of problems or obstacles. That being said, what is the line between functional and dysfunctional families? Some would look at a family that bickers every once in a while as dysfunctional. In contrast, others may believe there would need to be more persistent difficulties to be classified as dysfunctional.
According to the American Psychological Association, a dysfunctional family is "a family in which relationships or communication are impaired, and members are unable to attain closeness and self-expression." In a dysfunctional family, there may be persistent patterns of conflict or instability.
It is important to acknowledge that there are different levels of dysfunctionality. Some families may be strong but have minor levels of dysfunction. For example, the siblings may fight on occasion, or the parent overreacts to a situation. Then there are extreme examples where a parent may have untreated mental illness or a substance use disorder that significantly affects the dynamic of the family unit.
What Can Cause A Family To Be Dysfunctional?
Let's look at a few reasons why a family may be dysfunctional.
A Cycle
Many times, a family is dysfunctional because it always has been that way. Your parents may have had dysfunctional parents, and they learned from them. These cycles can be difficult to break. No matter how often the childrenswear they're not going to grow up to be like their parents, they may do so.
Mental Illnesses
Mental illness can cause a family to be dysfunctional, especially if it runs in the family and is undiagnosed. Anger issues can cause conflict and abuse. Depression can make the family lose all motivation to get better. Bipolar disorder means that the family may experience many emotional highs and lows. This is especially present in poorer families, who may not have the means to seek their illnesses.
Other Illnesses
Any illness can cause a conflict in the family. For example, if one parent becomes disabled, it can affect their family's income and structure. The parent has to stay home all the time, and perhaps the children start to think that they don't have any privacy. The parent may become angrier over being disabled, and the anger boils to a climax.
Addiction
Mom unwinding the day with a glass of wine and dad having a beer after a hard day of work isn't a bad thing. However, if that alcohol consumption becomes excessive, it can lead to dysfunction. Addiction can be expensive and alter the mood of the parents, making them abusive or neglectful.
Another Situation
Sometimes, a life situation can cause a family to be dysfunctional. If one parent has a great job and then loses the job, the income lost can stress the family. If the family moves, the children may become dysfunctional over coping with being in a new place and losing their old friends. Sometimes, a situation can make the family temporarily dysfunctional. When the children adjust to their new home, then the family may settle down again.
Traits Of Dysfunctional Families
If you're still unsure whether or not your family is dysfunctional, then here are some traits you should look for.
- There is extreme conflict and hostility present. It's okay for family members to disagree, but it may signal a larger problem when there is always fighting and yelling.
- There is unequal treatment going on in the family. One sibling may be treated well, while the other may be ignored.
- There is a lack of boundaries, or boundaries are not respected.
- There is a lack of empathy among family members.
- There is an emphasis on perfectionism and insistence on unrealistic expectations.
- There is physical and emotional abuse present.
If you or someone you know is experiencing any abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support and resources.
Impact Of Living With A Dysfunctional Family
As most can imagine, living with a dysfunctional family can be harmful to a child's well-being. Some can move on from their family and start their own lives, but others may be troubled by their pasts. They may grow up to raise dysfunctional families themselves or end up with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, or a slew of other mental disorders.
For many, the dysfunctional family becomes a cycle. You may swear that you're not going to grow up like your family, but the cycle may be difficult to break, and you may have traits of your own that make your own family dysfunctional, whether you're aware of them or not.
How To Live With A Dysfunctional Family
If you're in the middle of a dysfunctional family, you may not know what to do. You are a teenager who wants their family to get along but doesn't know how to. Here are some ways you can cope.
Observe Your Family And Take Note
Sometimes, your family may be dysfunctional but not even know it. In a stressful time, few have the self-awareness to evaluate what they are doing and take measures to stop it. One way you may be able to help is by gaining awareness of toxic behaviors. Record them, be it through video, writing, or any other way. Once you have enough, talk with them.
Don't Sound Accusatory
One way that you can .win people over is with honey rather than vinegar. If you start accusing them of their negative actions, they may become defensive even if you're in the right. Instead, focus on using "I" messages. Explain to your family how their actions make you feel. You may be surprised at how often people will listen when you change the language around while not changing the point.
Realize That Some People Won't Change
Say your parents are dysfunctional. In the perfect world, you could talk to them about their problems; they would realize their faults and put in the work to change. However, this is not how the world works. If your family members have a problem, they may not admit they have one and may become defensive when confronted.
Acceptance
One thing that can help you to heal is acceptance. If you endured trauma within your family, it's okay to accept that you were hurt and how it has impacted you. A large part of the healing process is validating your emotions and experiences. Working with a therapist can help you process the trauma you experienced and begin to heal.
Self Compassion
If you were a child who grew up in a dysfunctional family, it is not your fault. You may blame yourself for the tension in the family, but it is crucial to acknowledge that you didn't cause it. Use self-compassion to work through your trauma. It's essential to forgive yourself, especially if you feel that you contributed to the dysfunction somehow. If you were a child in that environment, your parents had an obligation to protect you and raise you. Parents in dysfunctional families may avoid their roles. They may become so self-involved that they're not focusing on caring for their kids. If you were a child in this environment and you're hurting as an adult, that's natural. It's okay to validate your emotional pain. Try your best to be kind to yourself in this process.
Find Healthy Ways To Cope
Some people cope in an unhealthy manner, such as using drugs/alcohol or making self-destructive decisions. Instead, focus on healthier forms of coping. For example, try making some art to express yourself. Write a story on your computer. Paint some pictures. Express your feelings online. Find a friend to who you can relate. These strategies can help you manage the difficult emotions you may be experiencing without doing something harmful to you or others.
Seek Counseling
If you believe you may have a dysfunctional family, consider looking into family therapy.
A therapist can sit the family down, be it individually or all at once, and provide a safe space for addressing concerns within the family. If you talk to the family members yourselves, they may be aggressive and defensive, no matter how calmly you present your case. A therapist can bring outside perspective, providing guidance and tools for your family to move towards reparation and healing.
Alternatively, if you had a dysfunctional family in the past, negative impacts on health or relationships, a therapist can help you process these challenges. Connecting with a therapist can be beneficial for working through past pain and looking forward to the future.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
What are the characteristics of a dysfunctional family?
No family is perfect. Imperfections and quarrels are normal, whereas dysfunctional family dynamics can have long-lasting effects and turn into harmful cycles that negatively impact family members if left unaddressed. Characteristics of a dysfunctional family include pervasive conflict, substance use or mental health disorders, difficulty setting boundaries or no effort in setting boundaries at all, verbal physical or emotional abuse, lack of emotional support, a controlling parent or controlling partner, poor communication, or withholding love.
All dysfunctional families will hone different characteristics and will need to be addressed differently as a result. Dysfunctional families can heal and establish healthy family dynamics. One of the best ways to do so is to attend family therapy. In family therapy, all of your family members will see a mental health provider together and collaborate to work through concerns within the unit, whether related to a specific family member or the unit as a whole.
What defines a dysfunctional family?
Generally, a dysfunctional family is categorized by dysfunctional family patterns. If family problems are pervasive and last long term, it may be the case of a dysfunctional family. The word dysfunctional in and of itself means the opposite of functional. If something is functioning correctly, it may have issues occasionally, but for the most part, it operates healthily. When it comes to a functional family, family members generally work on conflict resolution together and have communication skills that allow them to work through arguments without yelling, becoming aggressive in any way, and so on. Concerns are dealt with head-on, and family members will be supported when someone goes through a mental illness.
Additionally, family members will work on their mental health and behavior on an individual level if necessary. There will not be abuse, neglect, or attempts to hide problematic behavior in a functional family. All families go through hard times, but when a family’s problems show up in a functional family, family members will feel heard, supported, and know that they’re loved. There’s no withholding of love or affection in a healthy relationship or family dynamic, which is one potential trait of toxic family members or dysfunctional families. Withholding love or affection is a form of emotional abuse that can leave deep psychological scars.
Various things can lead to a dysfunctional family, such as substance use disorder or other untreated mental health disorders that affect the family, communication issues, frequent disagreements, ugly spousal arguments, divorce or separation, etc. It may even be an issue where toxic family patterns have been passed on from generation to generation. The good news is that these patterns don’t need to continue. Know that many dysfunctional families heal and that you can heal on an individual level, too.
How do you deal with a dysfunctional family?
The best way to deal with a dysfunctional family is to see a licensed counselor or therapist for family counseling. In family counseling, you’ll get together as a family and make a genuine effort to let your walls down and work through concerns that may be affecting family members or the family unit as a whole. As an adult, you might decide to cut ties with your family or family members in some cases. If you have disengaged from family members that either harmed you or were toxic for you, there will still be healing to do after you have distanced from these family members. In this case, you can see an individual counselor that can help you deal with a dysfunctional family. They can also help you manage setting boundaries and navigating concerns with family members that are still in your life. Additionally, you can address patterns in your family to heal from them and so that you won’t continue these patterns in your relations moving forward.
How does a dysfunctional family affect a child?
Living in a dysfunctional family can prompt a variety of concerns for a child. Children with dysfunctional family patterns often reenact these patterns, either in real-time or later in life. This is part of why it is so important to get help if you live with a dysfunctional family, even if it does exist under the surface primarily. Here are some of the things that a child in a dysfunctional family may face:
- Behavioral issues
- Difficulty in school
- Trouble regulating emotions or emotional outbursts
- Higher likelihood of an attachment disorder
- Low confidence or self-esteem
- Emotional numbness or trouble validating one’s feelings
- Anger
- Difficulty maintaining friendships or other relationships.
If a child has undergone or been exposed to some form of abuse, it can lead to long-term PTSD or C-PTSD. 5.5 million children are involved in CPS reports annually, with 65% of those cases related to neglect and the others related to some form of abuse.
Is it okay to cut family out of your life?
It is okay to cut family members out of your life. As an adult, you have complete control over who is in your life and who isn’t. Although it may be a difficult decision to cut family members out of your life, there are cases where people find it necessary. For example, you might choose to cut family members out in cases of abuse and neglect. No one deserves to undergo abuse and neglect, but every victim deserves to heal. Once you’re of age, you get to decide what your life looks like moving forward. Suppose you have a controlling parent or a family member that gets angry easily, for example. In that case, it’s perfectly reasonable to deal with them by setting boundaries or distancing yourself from them. You may have your own family one day, whether that’s a chosen family or one that you build with a partner. You get to break the cycle by being aware of the issues within your family and making sure that they don’t continue. A family member’s struggle with anger does not have to become yours. The same is true for families with a history of substance use, abuse, neglect, or poor communication. If you don’t feel safe around a particular family member, you must maintain distance from them.
How can a dysfunctional family be happy?
If family members are invested in working through and negating dysfunctional patterns, they can establish a happy and healthy family dynamic. Family counseling can help families address dysfunctional behavior. It can help family members understand each other’s thoughts and feelings and offer emotional support. It can also address poor communication and mental health concerns that impact one or more family members. When it comes to repairing any kind of relationship, familial or otherwise, spending time together is important. More specifically, spending time together in enjoyable and low-stress ways can help a bond solidify. Of course, if abuse or neglect is present in the family dynamic or you don’t feel safe around your family, you must maintain an appropriate distance from them. Family issues are sensitive, and every family is different, so it’s important to do what’s right for you. To remember about family issues is that it’s a collaborative effort to change anything that’s gone awry in the connection. If you are the only one who wants to see a change and your family members won’t go to counseling or aren’t open to facing the issue at all, it is smart not to depend on their change for your stability. Unfortunately, there are some cases where you will have to go through the healing process on your own, and your family will stay stuck in their patterns. As difficult as it is, you should always be proud of reaching out for help. Working through dysfunctional family patterns is complex, especially since they’re often ingrained deeply, and you are strong for doing so.
What causes a dysfunctional family?
There are different types of dysfunctional families. A dysfunctional family is characterized by dysfunctional behavior and dysfunctional family patterns. However, dysfunctional families don’t need to wear the label for the rest of their lives. It is possible to work through dysfunctional patterns and dysfunctional family behavior. Family counseling or therapy is extremely effective in helping families work through a variety of issues. To find a family therapist or licensed counselor, you can search the internet for a provider in your local area or check with your insurance company to see what mental health professionals they cover near you. You can also ask your doctor for a referral or take advantage of an employee assistance program at work. Sometimes, people can access free or low-cost counseling services through religious institutions, educational institutions, and community centers. Low-income families are often eligible for insurance that will cover all or most of their therapy costs when they see certain providers, whether for individual counseling or family counseling. Another option is remote therapy, which can be particularly helpful for individuals or couples struggling with family issues and any other mental health, relationship, or life concerns. Regardless of what form of counseling you choose, you and your family members can work together to establish a healthy dynamic and support each other.
