Sex After Divorce: How Long Should You Wait?
Life after divorce can feel like uncharted territory to many people. When you are going through such a radical life change, the logistics of moving on can be a nightmare. You have so many questions in your mind surrounding how your schedule will change, who you will spend your time with, and how your sex life will change. After you are divorced, dating can be a source of anxiety as well for both you and the person who is dating a divorced man.
Many recent divorcees wonder if they should wait before having sex after divorce. The answer to this is different for everyone and is dependent on a variety of factors. Some of these factors include what type of relationship you are looking for, whether you are ready to be intimate with someone new, and what you need to feel safe during sex. No matter your situation or circumstances, you can get back to enjoying sex with someone new. If you are curious if you may be ready, read on to learn more about finding intimacy after divorce and relationship guidance to help you feel confident in whichever decision you make.
Sex after divorce: A deeper look
The Moores married young. Lynn was just 20 when she met her future husband, Matthew. They were each other's 'firsts' and had many good years together-twenty to be exact. But when their twin girls left for college, things began to change. They realized that they no longer had anything in common. In fact, they had not been attracted or attached in years. They were going through the motions.
Not long after, the couple decided to divorce. There was no drama; in fact, the situation was mutual. Still, many areas of their lives were turned upside down. Matthew started dating someone else right away. Lynn was a little shocked but was happy for him nonetheless. After all, it wasn't her ex-husband moving on that made her feel scared and confused; it was her own intimacy issues.
You see, Matthew was the only man she had ever been with, and she couldn't wrap her mind around how sex would work with someone else. Because of this, she chose not to date. Sex after the divorce was a scary topic for her, and she was too embarrassed to talk about it with friends and family.
Finally, Lynn got the nerve to talk to an online relationship counselor through Regain. Working together, the two were able to wade through the topics below. Now, both Matthew and Lynn are in healthy, loving relationships post-divorce. Wondering about 'sex after divorce' is a thing of the past for Lynn.
If this example resonates in your life, the following discussion can help you answer the question; “How long should you wait for sex after your divorce?”
What kind of relationship are you looking for?
How long you wait to have sex after divorce will depend on what type of relationship you are looking for. If you are searching for someone to have casual sex with, there is no need to wait very long at all. This seems to be the culture now, and if you've been 'out of the game' for a while, this is something you'll have to accept. Of course, that doesn't mean you'll have to partake! If sex holds a more important place in your heart, you will most likely want to hold off longer.
Casual sex is easy to transition to after the divorce. This type of relation offers a "no strings attached" approach to intimate relations. The person that you choose to have sex with need not have anything in common with you. You don't have to worry about an emotional attachment, and there are no obligations involved in this type of relationship.
If your desires are strictly physical, you can pursue this type of relationship almost immediately following your divorce. Just make sure it is truly what you want. The last thing you want to do is harbor feelings for this person only for sex.
If sex is more than just an activity, you will need to wait a bit longer to jump in. Maybe you don't want to start a new relationship, but you need certain things before having sex with someone. Some examples of qualities you may be searching for include knowing this person (at least at a friendly level.)
You may want to be sure that the two of you are compatible in the bedroom. You may have other morals that need to be fulfilled before you can have sex with someone. It is best to give yourself time to process your divorce before you engage in this relationship.
No matter which routes you choose, trust yourself and your instincts when faced with a tough decision. If you consider the choices and weigh them appropriately, you can trust yourself to choose the right path. No one knows yourself better than you. Don't sell yourself short; have some confidence in your intuition above all else.
Are you ready to be intimate with someone new?
The relationship with your ex may have left you emotionally broken. Depending on the details of the cause for your divorce, you may not be ready to be intimate with someone new.
This area's rule in this area is to make sure you are ready to be with someone new. If you are carrying around excess emotional baggage from your last relationship, sex should be avoided.
The danger of jumping into a physical relationship before you are ready is impeding your healing. You want to be sure that you are giving yourself ample time following your divorce to feel better inside and out.
If you delay the healing process too long, you risk forming toxic habits. Many people who rely on sex after divorce develop a need to have sex to solve any relationship problems. This can lead to ruined relationships in the future due to infidelity or misunderstanding overall. The number one thing you need to worry about right now is yourself. No matter how strongly you feel that you need sex to feel better, you don't.
There are alternatives, healthier ways to deal with your emotions that don't jeopardize your healing. If you are struggling to find peace after divorce, consider therapy. The emotional workings of ending a long-term relationship affect more areas in your life than you may realize. A professional can help you bring these issues to the surface and deal with them healthily. As a bonus, getting help can get you on the path to success quicker since you won't have to waste time with trial and error dealing with your emotions and thoughts.
What do you need to feel safe during sex?
When you are in a romantic relationship with the same person for a long period, this person knows what you need.
A new person is not going to be as in touch with you as your ex. There could be things that you need to feel safe that you may not even realize. The knowledge needed for sex to be enjoyable for you may be hidden in the mind of your previous partner. For this reason, you need to be sure that you know what you need before you start a new intimate relationship.
This could take some soul searching and deep thought. Once you decide what is needed, you will need to have a conversation with this person. You must make sure this information is communicated effectively so that both of you can have an enjoyable experience. You deserve to have enjoyable sex free from anything that would make you feel uncomfortable.
The best way to do this is to take as much time as you need to figure out what that means. It is impossible to put an exact time limit on this. What you can be confident in is that you will know when the time is right. If you do end up engaging in relationships too soon, give yourself a break and move forward in confidence.
Plenty of people stumble and fall on their journey to sex after divorce. Consider it a learning experience and move on. The more you fail, the more you learn. You will come out the other end with a deeper knowledge of yourself than ever before. That is a gift in and of itself.
How does sex make you feel?
Sex after divorce can be unpredictable, especially if you must explain what it entails to be dating a divorced man or dating a divorced woman. You could also be hesitant to do so but surprise yourself at the result.
If you have sex with someone and have negative emotions following it, pay attention to the reason why. Many people jump into romantic relationships too soon after sex. Learning how to gauge your emotions will be a great tool to decide how much longer you should wait. The only way you will know if it has been long enough at times is to try it. The emotions you feel could be largely unpredictable, especially in the early stages of your single life. If you find yourself down, get back up, and redirect yourself. You will eventually find the right path.
The flip side of this coin is positive. One day, you will go out on a limb and have sex with someone new. Despite your fears that you would feel negative or guilty after, you might surprise yourself. If you have sex, when the time is right, you will experience joyful emotions. It can be a maze getting to this point, but it is possible. All the struggles and failures leading up to this point will be worthwhile.
Deciding how sex makes you feel isn't always the easiest thing to do. The good thing is, once you get it right, you can use these skills in future relationships, as well. Life is largely a learning game, and none of us get out alive. Live a little and let your hair down. You will be grateful when you see the results.
When should you get help?
If the stress you feel regarding sex after divorce is overwhelming or you are unable to work through the feelings on your own, there is no shame in asking for help. Working with a skilled mental health therapist can give you the support you need to look inside your heart and mind for the reasons behind your hesitation. They can help you understand why you are experiencing stress or anxiety about intimacy while giving you a non-biased outside perspective you may not have with people close to you.
You have many options to choose from when looking for a therapist. What is important is finding one who feel safe to share your story and who is qualifies to help you understand your challenges. You also have the choice to choose between online and in-person therapy, both effective ways for you to seek professional advice. Online therapy is convenient, and you can get support from the comfort of your own home and is supported by research as a beneficial alternative to in-person therapy. You may be concerned that online therapy is not as effective as in-person. Current research reveals that in people who received online therapy along with in-person reported that they felt their online therapist to be just as empathetic (if not more) as compared to their in-person therapist.
The counselors and therapists at Regain are licensed, experienced professionals. They have thousands of hours of service, helping people get through similar situations to yours. Since these therapists are available online, they are perhaps the most convenient source of assistance you can find. You can log in at any time from anywhere and get the support that you need.
Takeaway
The journey after divorce can come with exciting changes along with obstacles, including the newness of being in the world of dating again. You do not need to rush into any relationship and give yourself time to adapt to this new life you are building. Wondering when you can have an intimate relationship may be one of the first things you are considering. With a professional in your corner, deciphering how long you should wait to have sex after divorce will be much easier. There is no need to manage these difficult feelings alone any longer – do not hesitate to get the help you need.
Frequently asked questions
How do you date after divorce?
Dating after divorce can feel like you have entered unchartered waters, especially if you had been married for a long time. The last time you “dated” was before you got married, and that was with your ex.
The dating world may look a little different post-divorce than it did before you were married. There are online dating apps that can help connect you to a new partner. Some apps are even specified to connect divorced people. You can also go about it the old-fashioned way and ask your friends if they know someone single that may be good for you. As a last resort, you could try to find a potential partner at a bar. While there may be single people there that you can date, you may also wind up with a social butterfly (someone who has sex with every new person they meet) or an alcoholic (if they are at the bar often).
Just be mindful that it’s not a free-for-all; consent rules still apply, and safe sex should be a priority. There are a lot of sexually transmitted diseases that you do not want to contract.
Is it ok to date when you are divorcing?
In most states, once you are legally separated, it is ok to date others without worrying about repercussions. However, some people feel that it is not ok to date until they are completely and legally separated. If you are divorcing amicably, it is fine to ask your soon-to-be-ex if it is alright to start dating. While you don’t need their permission, it is fair to ask if you want the divorce to remain amicable.
If you are going through a nasty divorce, it is best to wait until you are divorced to start dating. The last thing you need is for your ex to have more ammunition against you during divorce court proceedings. While you may be interesting to see if the grass is greener on the other side, waiting a few more months will not be as bad as having to listen to your future ex use your dating and sex life against you. In these situations, you should wait to start dating after the divorce is finalized.
How often do new couples have sex?
Sex with a new person can be exciting and liberating. You may find that when you start dating someone new, you have sex all the time. However, this is not always the case. Some new couples want to take things slow, and sex is not as important as other aspects of the relationship. The topic of sex is different for every couple.
For some, as in the example mentioned above, if the only person you have ever had sex with was your ex, it might be scary. Will you be good? Will they want something you don’t know about? Will you use condoms?
There can be many questions, and they are all valid. When it comes down to basics, sex with a new person will be different from anyone else's. It will also be much the same. If you aren’t sure what the person likes and dislikes or what is expected of you, ask.
First-time sex is typically either hot and messy or slow and steady. As you get to know each other more, you will find that you connect sexually differently. It is perfectly okay to ask your new partner questions about sex, especially divorce sex. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about it, you may not be ready to engage in the activity.
Good sex life is comprised of one where you can have open talks and communications about the subject. If you were previously in a sexless marriage, sex might be scary and exciting at the same time. Just remember that sex should be mutually satisfying. If it is not, then you should move on to someone new. One-sided sex means that the person is selfish and does not care about your needs. Is this the type of person you want to be involved with after you get divorced? Only you can answer that question.
Can divorce cause erectile dysfunction?
While divorce does not cause erectile dysfunction, stress most definitely can. If you are in a new relationship and set the bar high for yourself, you may end up being disappointing in the sack. Don’t set unrealistic expectations about what the sexual experience will be with a new partner.
If you have had a few or several sexual partners since you got divorced and you start experiencing erectile dysfunction, you may want to run the issue by your doctor. Statistically speaking, 40% of men begin to experience erectile dysfunction at age 40, and the older you get, the higher the statistic. By age 70, 70% of men experience erectile dysfunction. Poor health can make the percentages even great at any age.
How do you fix erectile dysfunction?
There are instances when reaching out to a professional can help fix dysfunctional erectile issues. If you haven’t experienced sex with anyone since you were married and find someone you want to be intimate with, you typically want it to go well. No one wants terrible sex after divorce. That can crush your ego even more.
But sometimes, things do go wrong. If you have erectile dysfunction during your first time, a sex therapist can help you find out why you are having trouble in the bedroom.
The first time you are with a new sexual partner can be a scary time. However, if you go slow and take your time, your sexual partner (or partners) should understand that you are fresh out of the gate. If your partner is unwilling to talk to you and know where you are coming from, they are not someone you should want to remain sexually active with, and you should move on.
In the meantime, seeing a sex therapist can help you get to the bottom of your intimacy and erectile dysfunction issues.
How do you make a divorced man fall in love with you?
If a man was recently divorced, and he was not the one who initiated it, trying to get him to fall in love with you is an unfair game. He has been hurt, and he may tread lightly. However, a newly divorced man may also be on the rebound and crave social connection with another human being.
While making someone fall in love with you is never an ideal way to start a relationship, if you find yourself involved with a man who has hurt feelings from their divorce, listening to them is the best way to get to their heart. Chances are a breakdown in communications in his previous relationship, so being a good listener is a great way to attract a newly divorced man.
How do I start a new life after divorce?
Everyone approaches life after divorce differently. Some people want to get grounded and find out who they truly are now that they are single. Others want to maintain as much consistency as possible.
Whether you try to discover and reinvent yourself or stick to what you know best, there is no correct way to start a new life after divorce. Just being honest with yourself is a significant first step. From there, take it day by day.
How can I have a healthy divorce?
Divorce does not always have to end horribly. Some people can divorce amicably and find that they are better as friends than as married lovers.
Communication is the key to everything. The more open you can be with your soon-to-be-ex, the easier the divorce process will be for you both.
Can I sleep with my wife after divorce?
Dating after divorce can feel daunting for many people, and it’s understandable why you may want to seek out the comfort of maintaining a sex life with your spouse. The issue that sometimes arises is that staying sexual partners with an ex-partner can cause your relationship to become muddled and confusing. If you’ve decided together that the relationship isn’t salvageable, trying to have casual sex with each other may re-ignite an intimacy that will make things more complicated.
The best sex is safe, healthy, and enjoyable. If you’re feeling sexually frustrated post-divorce, consider seeing a therapist help you make the best decisions for your healing process. Having some guidance as you continue to be sexually active will help you make positive, productive choices.
What percentage of couples get back together after divorce?
According to a recent study, around 6% of couples that divorce ends up re-marrying. Of the couples that rekindle their relationship, 72% end up staying together. Though having a healthy sex life is an important part of any relationship, it’s also important that you’re able to solve conflict and make each other feel appreciated.
Divorce is a big change. Before making an impulsive decision to end a marriage, consider divorce-related counseling. If your spouse isn’t sexually active, a sex therapist could also be a great resource. There are plenty of options out there for couples who struggle sexually.
If you and your partner decide that ending the marriage is the best option for you, remember that you’re making a long-term decision for yourself and your mental health. If you're the husband and have many questions about life after divorce for men over 40, consider consulting the professionals.
What happens to a man after divorce?
Everyone processes post-divorce life differently, regardless of gender. Some may find themselves more sexually active than before, looking to explore new sexual partners and experiences. This may be especially true if you are coming out of a sexless marriage.
Though some men may seek out a new relationship and sex, others may find comfort in spending time with friends and family. Many people are nervous about having an active sex life that could risk getting a sexually transmitted infection.
Can you fall in love right after a divorce?
Though many people find themselves seeking out a new sexual relationship and sex, waiting until you’re ready is a crucial aspect of your healing. Being sexually active requires communication, openness, and assertiveness in stating your needs. You may have to have new conversations about sexually transmitted diseases and broach divorce-related topics.
Finding a new relationship and sex is possible after a divorce, but it’s important to ensure you have a sex life after a divorce that will be satisfying for you. It’s understandable that after a sexless marriage, you may be eager to embark on new sexual relationships. Keep in mind that you will have lots of time to be sexually active, and waiting until it’s going to be the most enjoyable for you is truly beneficial.
Is sleeping with someone while separated adultery?
This is a personal choice. Sexual desire is a very normal part of human nature, and it makes sense that someone would want to continue to seek out sexual relationships while they’re in the separation process. One person’s sex life shouldn’t determine another’s, and each person must decide what will work best for them.
When exploring new sexual partners and sex positions, one thing to keep in mind is that sexually transmitted infections are a very real thing. It’s important that your sex life after divorce is fun and exciting, but also that it’s safe.
Dating and sex can be engaging and fulfilling. It’s all about figuring out what will work for you. Whether you’re interested in exploring new sex positions after a sexless marriage or looking to find a monogamous relationship that awakens your sexual desire, there is room for you to learn about yourself along the way.
What do you call a woman who dates a married man?
Though there are colloquial terms, such as “mistress,” for a woman who sleeps with a married man, those come from a place of judgment. It’s important to remember that though you may not agree with someone’s ethical choices, everyone leads their sex life differently. It takes two people to create a betrayal of trust, and a spouse who breaks their vows is just as culpable as the person they engaged with.
Not only is an affair unfair to the other person in the relationship, but it also puts both you and your partner at risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. If you and your partner are struggling with a sexless marriage, and you’re beginning to cross boundaries in new sexual engagements, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist to help you broach the subject. It’s better, to be honest with your partner before risking ending the marriage forever.
Are second marriages more successful?
Some people find that their second marriage is more successful simply because they’ve learned so much from the first. They may find that the sex relationships are more in tune with their needs and desires and better handle divorce-related conversations.
Sex life after divorce is different for everyone. Keep being kind to yourself as you move through the grieving process. Becoming sexually active again may be an ongoing journey, but it is an enriching one. Give yourself the time and care to be engaged with your healing process, and exciting sexual adventures and relationships will come in your direction.
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