PTSD And Me: Dating Someone With PTSD

If you're dating someone with PTSD, your relationship may feel like a rollercoaster at times. It may be challenging to manage symptoms or triggers and know how to respond during tough moments. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to be in a healthy relationship. Knowing about PTSD can help you support your partner, navigate your relationship, and create a solid foundation.

Understanding PTSD

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a psychiatric condition that can manifest after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event.  Affecting nearly 8 million adults every year in the United States, PTSD is an incredibly common condition that can be overcome with the right support system and treatment. Despite its commonality, people with PTSD are often misunderstood.

What are the symptoms of PTSD?

Some PTSD symptoms may include:

• Dissociation from reality (having flashbacks to a traumatic event)
• Distressing dreams and nightmares
• Invasive, upsetting thoughts or memories
• Difficulty remembering the details of a traumatic incident
• Sleep disruptions
• Feelings of detachment or numbness
• Physical reactions to reminders of past trauma
• Disinterest in preferred activities
• Active avoidance of anything associated with past trauma
• Development of a negative self-perception or world view
• Hypervigilance
• Difficulty concentrating on everyday tasks
• Constant feelings of fear, anger, shame, or guilt

It can be important to note that no two people experience trauma and its aftereffects the same way, and coping with trauma may be very personal. People with PTSD may develop any number of symptoms at varying levels.

How does PTSD impact intimate partner relationships?

For people with PTSD, dating and relationships can be challenging in some cases. While many survivors know that their past trauma is not their fault, some may continue to blame themselves for something that happened. This may cause them to believe that they are worthless or unlovable. These deeply held beliefs can impact their relationships in significant ways.  

This lack of trust can make it difficult for those with PTSD to talk with their partners about their needs. A person who has trauma from past domestic or sexual violence or a past abusive relationship* may be wary of trusting new partners out of fear – that they may end up reliving their pastor out of worry that the relationship will trigger challenging feelings and emotions. 

*If you or a loved one is experiencing relationship abuse or domestic violence, please seek help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and offers support 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. The number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also text "START" to 88788 or start a live chat on the website at TheHotline.org. 

PTSD from your partner’s perspective:  Learning to love someone with PTSD

Below are some strategies that may help you support a partner with PTSD while also taking care of your own needs. These sorts of changes are usually a joint effort, but you can get the ball rolling by sparking a conversation and laying out goals like these.

Educate yourself about PTSD

You know that old saying, "knowledge is power?" You might try to make this your mantra. Taking the time to learn about the effects of traumatic stress and treatment options can help you better understand and empathize with your partner. You may also become more knowledgeable about ways to support them.

Build and maintain healthy boundaries

People with PTSD may struggle to set healthy boundaries within a relationship. Because of this, they may be slow to open up to you or struggle to trust the things you say to them. Conversely, your partner may also adopt porous boundaries to try to focus on something other than themself. In any case, taking time to communicate with your partner and talking about setting healthy boundaries in your relationship for both of you can be a helpful step.

Learn your partner's triggers

Even old trauma can create new wounds. People with PTSD may relive their past traumas when triggered by certain sights, sounds, scents, feelings, experiences, and more. Understanding your partner's triggers can help you learn what might be distressing to them. Suppose your partner can't identify specific triggers or doesn't feel comfortable discussing them. In that case, you might take note of what seems to be unusually upsetting to them in your day-to-day interactions. Recognizing behavioral or emotional changes may help you help your partner or teach you to prevent your partner from experiencing triggers when they are with you.

Provide reassurance

Often, people with PTSD may feel unlovable. This feeling can be caused by a negative self-perception that has developed because of the trauma they've experienced.  If you notice that your partner has a hard time seeing their worth, reassuring them that they are valued and loved may be helpful. Even little assurances can go a long way.

Create open lines of communication

Someone with PTSD may find it difficult to communicate their thoughts or needs with a current partner, especially if they've had negative experiences in past relationships. If your partner comes to you for support, providing them with unconditional love and acceptance can be reassuring and encourage conversation. Consider a more positive response, such as thanking them for trusting you with such important information and letting them know that they are safe with you. In turn, your partner may feel safer and more comfortable talking to you. 

Shape a safe space

People who have PTSD may seldom feel truly safe.  While your partner may know that they are physically safe from harm, their past trauma may trick their brain into believing there is a constant threat of danger. Because of this, your partner may quickly become upset over small disagreements or perceived danger. They may then become overly apologetic, emotional, or even angry. To better support your partner, you might ask them about what safety means to them and how you can help them feel safe when you're together.

Don't take it personally

Many people with PTSD manage emotional and mental challenges that can impact the way they react. Often, survivors of traumatic events may lash out at others when they are feeling particularly vulnerable. If this happens, you might try reminding yourself that this is likely their pain talking, not your partner. While their words may feel very personal, they may be more of an immediate (even if inappropriate) response to a particular stressor. Taking a deep breath and responding with kindness instead of anger can be a positive step and may help defuse the heightened emotions. However, if lashing out happens frequently, talking with your partner about how their words and actions affect you can be a smart step. You also deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

Be patient with your partner

You may have heard the saying, "Patience is a virtue." It certainly can be if your partner has PTSD. Letting your partner tell their story in their own time can help build trust in the relationship.

Try to help strengthen your partner’s support system

People with PTSD may find it challenging to stay connected to their support systems. Past trauma may have caused your partner to push away their friends and family, which may have damaged their existing relationships. Furthermore, this trauma can also impact their future engagement in social activities. While your partner may feel they can come to you with anything, having a support system apart from you that they feel comfortable turning to can help them heal. This expanded network can feel a greater sense of connection within their community and rebuild their confidence. 

If your partner has not had support from a licensed mental health professional or would benefit from more therapy, you might respectfully discuss this with them and offer to help them find a therapist who would be a good fit. Some therapists even offer trauma-informed care. They may also be a good resource for you to learn how to best support and be in a healthy relationship with someone living with PTSD). Other options for support may include PTSD survivors' groups or groups for those in relationships with PTSD survivors.

Practice self-care

No matter how much you love your partner, caring for someone with PTSD may be both physically and emotionally draining at times. Neglecting your own needs to prioritize your partners may create contempt or resentment within your relationship. You can sustainably provide your partner with love and understanding is to take care of yourself first. Consider setting aside some time each week to work on your mental health; take some time to exercise, eat healthy meals, engage with friends/family, and enjoy much-needed "me-time" by doing something you love.

Seek professional support

If TLC doesn't fully recharge your battery, you might consider seeking professional help. When you are dating someone with PTSD, you may inherently be helping them carry the weight of their emotions. The same goes with you if you're dating after emotional trauma. 

This support may come from individual or couples’ therapy. Online counseling options may make it easier to access the right care while also saving time, money, and stress. Many provide trauma-informed mental healthcare and relationship counseling. Choosing a therapist through the web might grant you access to a wider range of professionals to select from, too, including those who might specialize in PTSD. 

Research suggests that online therapy can be a more cost-effective option for those seeking professional support. When you spend less, you might be more likely to consistently attend sessions and work on the goals that make sense for you. The same goes for your partner; in fact, you might even choose to attend sessions together.

Counselor reviews

Below are some testimonies from Regain users that illustrate how helpful speaking to the right professionals can be:

"I don't know what I would have done without Harry. I was in a super low place, and I was not sure what my problems were or how to solve them, but he was able to help me get to the bottom of my problems and work through them. Today I am happy and feeling like myself again. He was so easy to talk to and worked with me whenever I needed him. Even on vacation, he took the time to call me and talk through whatever I was going through. I would highly recommend him."

"My experience with Priscilla has been immensely helpful in better understanding myself and providing me with the tools to see my life and relationships with more clarity and compassion."

Takeaway

Dating someone with PTSD can present some challenges, but most of them can be overcome in a healthy way through communication, education, and practice. Seeking out the help of a therapist or couples’ counselor might make it easier to learn how to support your partner. No matter what, doing your best to be there while also taking care of your own needs can likely help you strike the right balance and maintain a healthy relationship.