Is There An "Am I Dating A Narcissist" Quiz Online, And How Accurate Is It?

Narcissism is a personality trait that exists on a spectrum. Not all who display some narcissistic behaviors or traits have clinically diagnosable narcissism, but those whose narcissism is more pronounced and impacts daily life may be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Though often colloquially described as inflated self-esteem, people with NPD actually have disordered self-esteem.  If you’re dating someone who’s narcissistic, you may encounter traits that challenge your relationship, such as deceitfulness, lack of compassion, lack of empathy, and inability to listen well. Though there are online quizzes available, they will not be able to accurately diagnose your partner with NPD, but they may be able to identify some of the signs that you’re dating a narcissist. To get more insight into whether you’re dating a narcissist and what to do about it, you may want to consider talking with a therapist.  

What is narcissism?

Narcissism is a term used to describe a common personality trait that is characterized by entitlement, desire for power and/or attention, and high sensitivity to criticism and rejection. Typically, narcissistic traits do not impede emotional functions and the ability to experience empathy, and many successful people have some narcissistic traits. 

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) differs from subclinical narcissistic traits. For people with NPD, an inability to relate to others and disordered self-esteem can cause significant impairments and distress. Symptoms of NPD can include the following:  

• Exaggerated sense of your own importance
• Need for constant admiration and special privileges 
• Dishonesty regarding your achievements or accomplishments in pursuit of a grandiose appearance
• Expect recognition as superior, even without experience of achievements 
• Fantasize about success
• Exhibit elitism in relationships
• Look down on others
• Manipulate or take advantage of others 
• Unable or unwilling to express empathy
• Envious of others with the expectation that others envy you
• Arrogant
• Impatient when special treatment isn’t received 
• Difficulty interacting with others and/or handling stress
• Trouble accepting your imperfections 
• An internal sense of shame, insecurity, or humiliation

Oftentimes, people with narcissistic personality disorder do not realize that they have a psychiatric disorder and may not want to seek mental health services for their NPD. However, people with NPD who overcompensate for a sense of shame and low self-esteem (called vulnerable narcissism) may be more amenable to therapy. 

Narcissism in relationships

Whether your partner has narcissistic traits, tendencies, or NPD, their behaviors can harm your relationship. Most narcissists place extremely high expectations on partners and friends but do not necessarily hold themselves to those same standards. The following signs may help you identify whether you’re dating someone who’s narcissistic: 

You found them charming at first 

People with narcissistic traits tend to make good first impressions and become less charming over time. Initially, arrogance or grandiosity may be misinterpreted as confidence and high self-esteem, but, according to Dr. Judith Orloff, their charm may disappear when you disagree or stop appeasing them.  Rebecca Weiler, LHMC, advises that narcissists often come on strong when they are charming a potential romantic interest. So, if you are being love-bombed, consider being wary. 

Taking credit and giving blame

When your partner makes a mistake, do they blame you for it? And, on the flip side, do they take credit for your achievements? Narcissists may seek to promote their own image without empathy for those who are hurt by them. 

Playing games 

As described in a 2002 study, narcissists may promote jealousy in their partner and use other games to gain power and support their own grandiose view of self.  

They don’t leave room for you

Research demonstrates that people with narcissistic traits tend to have an exaggerated view of their own importance. They may fixate on their own accomplishments and embellish them to feed into their sense of self-importance. In the process, they may not engage in conversations about you or others. Do you notice that they don’t listen or ask follow-up questions during conversations not revolving around themselves? Do conversations always center on them?

They cannot get enough praise 

Narcissists often seek praise to improve their low self-esteem. As stated in a 2020 qualitative study, “[narcissists] need constant and complete attention and need to be in charge of everything even though [they] expect everyone else to do all the work.”

They seem to think they’re entitled to anything they want

Narcissists may not believe that rules apply to them. They recognize right from wrong, but do not care, nor do they think they will get caught for their wrong behavior. For example, a narcissist may not care that you value monogamy, and will engage in infidelity if they want to. 

If you catch them, they may not find it necessary to apologize, and they likely will not try to understand your perspective because they lack empathy. They may even blame you for their actions or resent you for attempting to tell them what they can and can’t do.  

They gaslight you

The foundation of a healthy relationship includes open communication, trust, consent, and boundaries. Gaslighting (a type of emotional abuse characterized by manipulating you into believing you’re wrong about something), is not a characteristic of a healthy relationship. The following signs may help you identify if your partner gaslights you: 

• They tell you your feelings are ridiculous, and make you question whether you’re overreacting
• They call you “crazy,” “irrational,” or something similar
• They are insensitive to how their actions hurt you
• They make you question your version of events
• They invalidate your feelings by cutting you off 
• You’ve become more anxious and/or less confident in yourself 

According to Cleveland Clinic, if someone is gaslighting you, the healthiest thing to do is walk away from the conversation. If they are resorting to gaslighting, there is likely no way to resolve the conflict with healthy communication. 

Quizzes that may help

Although there are some quizzes designed to help you determine whether you are dating a narcissist, they are not intended to diagnose any psychiatric disorder and they are not necessarily written by licensed therapists. An example of a free quiz is the 15-question “Is My Partner A Narcissist” quiz from Marriage.com. Other quizzes, like this interactive Narcissistic Personality Inventory quiz, are more extensive and aim to address whether the quiz taker has some narcissistic traits. Though, again, they are not intended to diagnose anyone.

Should you stay with a narcissistic person? 

Dating a narcissist does not always equate to an unhealthy relationship, but it can. People with NPD or narcissistic traits are often self-focused, difficult to communicate with, insensitive, and prone to gaslighting or otherwise mentally or emotionally abusing. People in relationships with narcissists may be more likely to develop codependent tendencies, anxiety, or low self-esteem.

If you believe you are dating a narcissist, Dr. Judith Orloff warns that you should understand that they may not be capable of emotional intimacy, nurturing your goals, and being sensitive to your concerns and insecurities. Deciding to stay in a relationship with someone who possesses narcissistic traits is a personal choice. If you decide to stay, consider the following recommendations: 

• Do not expect them to change
• Try to separate your self-worth from a desire to please them
• Try not to divulge things you are sensitive about or that can be manipulated 
• Communicate with their priorities in mind, meaning focus on how doing something will benefit them, if you want them to do something

Narcissism exists on a scale, so while some people with narcissistic traits may be capable of maintaining a healthy relationship, others will not be. Ultimately, some narcissistic partners may only be able to see you for what you offer them. 

How do you leave a narcissistic relationship?

Breaking up with a narcissist can be difficult, and they may use tactics like love bombing, physical, or emotional abuse to manipulate you into staying in an unhealthy relationship. 

Choosing Therapy recommends taking the following steps when you’re planning on breaking up with a narcissist: 

• Write down why you want to leave the relationship so they can’t manipulate you with gaslighting
• If you live together, make a plan for where you’ll go after you end the relationship 
• Embrace the empathetic people around you
• Build up a strong support network
• Remove relationship reminders from your house that might make you think you were being dramatic about the bad stuff 
• Make a clean break without the opportunity for second chances
• Block their phone number and don’t engage with them after breaking up
• Seek out help from a therapist

If you want to find more resources or talk to someone about it, you can always call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233). 

How therapy can help

Though many narcissists do not seek out therapy, you can. After dating a narcissist, you may experience low self-esteem, doubts about your own thoughts, difficulty trusting others (and yourself), and anxiety. Research published in 2018 demonstrates that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can significantly improve levels of anxiety, depression, and self-esteem. During CBT sessions for survivors of narcissistic abuse, therapists work with their clients to recognize and reframe unhelpful automatic thoughts, build healthy boundaries, and provide clarity about what happened in their relationship. 

Platforms like Regain offer CBT from licensed therapists who specialize in narcissistic relationships, and a 2022 study found that online CBT can effectively improve quality of life, self-compassion, self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. 

Therapist reviews

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”

Takeaway

If you’re dating someone who only seems to value themselves and shows little regard for your feelings, you may be wondering if they are a narcissist. Ask yourself if you found yourself charmed or love bombed by them at first, blamed for their own mistakes, pressured to praise them, or gaslit. If you are, you may be dating someone with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). 

There are online quizzes available that you may find helpful, but ultimately, they are not capable of providing a diagnosis. Whether or not you decide to try a quiz, you may benefit from therapy. Online cognitive behavioral therapy can effectively improve self-esteem and symptoms of anxiety and depression.