Dating For Two Months? When Is It Time To Have A DTR Conversation?
Defining your relationship can be an important part of any progressing relationship. It may be especially important when you are in a new relationship and feel uncertain about where your partnership is heading. Although dating without labels and boundaries certainly works for a time, and might work well for some couples, many people (if not most) are better able to understand and work within a relationship that has some framework or structure in place. While dating someone, you may want to discuss the future at some point, such as at the two-month mark. Initiating or asking for a DTR conversation can help you determine whether if things are moving in the same direction for both of you, or if the early stages of the relationship show signs that you are not meant to be together long term.
What exactly is a DTR?
DTR stands for "define the relationship." For some, a DTR might mean breaking up, while others conclude this conversation with a step forward. Others might do nothing at all, citing satisfaction in the current state of their relationship. If you ask a relationship coach, dating coach, or dating expert, they may say that the clearest sign of a stable relationship is one that you don’t need to question. However, if you are anxious, nervous, or tend to be insecure, it may ease your mind to ask where you stand.
Define the relationship conversations can be a pleasant experience but can also carry with them some amount of stress. Although one part of the partnership might feel ready to give the relationship a definition, the other party might not - which can create anxiety surrounding even asking to have this type of discussion. DTR conversations do not have to be painful, overwhelming, or embarrassing, provided that both partners come to the table with honesty, openness, and understanding.
When should you have a DTR?
It may be challenging to figure out the ideal time to have a DTR conversation because every relationship is different and goes by a unique timeline. In general, there is no one right answer when it comes to when you should define the relationship. However, dating coaches and experts tend to agree that sometime between the 1-3-month mark could be an appropriate time to have this conversation. The two-month mark happens to fall right in the middle of the average passage of time before couples have these discussions.
If you have been dating consistently for two months, a DTR conversation is in no way outside the realm of reason and may even be expected. It can be natural for anyone who gets to the two-month mark of a relationship to want to know where they stand with the other person.
Having this type of conversation is also dependent upon the individuals in the relationship. If you average seeing each other only once per week, with very little communication in between, this type of talk might not materialize for 3-5 months. If you spend almost every waking moment together, though, and are in constant communication, it could be a matter of days or weeks before one of you wants to talk about defining or labeling your relationship.
How soon is too soon?
Too soon is relative where definitions are concerned; as long as both parties are in agreement, a DTR could come after only a few days or weeks of seeing one another. If you and your dating partner are not on the same page, however, anything earlier than one month of steady dating could prove too fast. Before you decide to ask for this type of conversation, try to feel out where your partner seems to be. Do they play everything close to the belt, and refrain from displays of affection, verbal, physical, or otherwise? Do they seem extremely cautious and careful in everything they do? If so, it might be too soon for a talk, as your paramour seems to be keeping some distance, and maintaining strong boundaries.
If, on the other hand, the two of you are already expressing plenty of affection for one another, you spend most of your time together, and you both seem just to click and feel safe and at home around one another, there might not be a "too soon," as you both may want the same thing: to be together. When deciding how soon is too soon, your intuition is likely to be one of your safest guides, and there may be no exact or precise answer in these cases. It can be essential to keep in mind that every relationship is unique and moves at a different pace.
Are DTRs always necessary?
Some relationships do not last long enough for a DTR to become necessary. Some seem to progress without having a definitive, sit-down talk naturally. Having an official relationship talk might not always be necessary, but usually does offer some peace of mind, clarity, and comfort for both partners within a relationship. Those wanting a healthy relationship can benefit from learning strong and effective communication, which is typically at the heart of a "define the relationship talk"; these talks are all about owning where you are, holding space for someone else, and finding a resolution you can both agree to.
What do DTRs involve?
The content of a DTR can also depend on the couple. For some, a DTR is a simple definition. "Are you my boyfriend/girlfriend/partner?" may be the only question within the discussion. For others, this discussion exists on something of an incline: "Are you my boyfriend/girlfriend/partner?" "Okay, what does that mean to you?" "Okay. Are you looking for something long-term or short-term?" "Great. Do you believe in monogamy, or were you hoping for something more open-ended?"
The type of DTR you have can depend on the length of your relationship, the depth of your relationship, and the level of your interest. You might not want to have all of the answers right now; you might simply be looking to find out if you are allowed to ask someone else out while you are dating this person. You might be wondering whether or not your partner is also someone else's partner. Then again, you might want to know what a relationship with your dating partner might look like before you step into that role. A DTR is as involved, distant, intense, or simplistic as the couple in question wants it to be, and can encompass a myriad of different approaches, questions, and possibilities.
DTRs are rarely one-off conversations. Usually, a DTR occurs, and as other relationship milestones occur (a 6-month anniversary, for instance, or attending a family wedding together), another DTR will come up to determine where the relationship is and whether both of you are interested in it progressing.
When a DTR goes awry
Unfortunately, there are some cases when a DTR conversation goes awry, and a relationship falls apart as a result. This usually occurs when partners are not on the same page, despite thinking they are, or when one partner grows angry, defensive, or aggressive in response to being on different wavelengths. Before entering into this type of conversation, it can be important to recognize and make room for the possibility of not getting your way.
You might want a casual relationship, while the person you are dating wants to get married. The two of you can decide to compromise and enter into an exclusive relationship, without a definitive end goal or end date, or you can decide to go your separate ways. Either way, though, shouting, degrading, or mocking one another is in no way appropriate. You can put safeguards in place (perhaps have the conversation in a public place, or with the understanding that one or both of you might need some time to cool off) if you know that you, yourself, are prone to outbursts, or a swift temper.
DTRs can place an immense strain on the people involved, and making sure you are both in a safe, calm headspace can help you each prepare for the possibly difficult conversation you are about to enter into. This can involve something simple, such as meditating before the conversation and going in with a written plan, or as involved as meeting with a therapist, mapping out your conversation and potential responses, and making a plan with friends to spend time together if the conversation is in any way unpleasant or difficult.
The heart of the DTR
Communication is what DTRs are all about, and communication is an essential part of any healthy, strong romantic relationship. Although there is often a lot of cloak and dagger involved in a romance, these types of interactions often bring about more heartache, confusion, and feelings of rejection than any semblance of romance or excitement. Uncertainty in a relationship is often glorified in print and media but is rarely a pleasant experience when carried over from the imagination into reality.
A DTR is ultimately an act of respect and consideration for yourself and the person to whom you are attached to. Keeping your feelings and ideas about your relationship to yourself might seem to be the norm, or may feel like the right thing to do, but a healthy, mature relationship is one that can stand up under the weight of honest communication and a straightforward attitude regarding where you are, where you want to be, and whether that is in alignment with the person you are seeing.
DTRs can be frightening because they can mean that a relationship you were excited about has to come to a close. After all, if you are looking for a serious, long-term commitment, and your dating partner is only interested in a casual fling, it is very likely unwise to continue further, as you can both hurt one another through unmet or excessive expectations. Although they may not always be necessary, they are usually an expected, reasonable part of a mature, adult relationship.
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Takeaway
Dating can bring with it a whirlwind of emotions. When you fall for someone, it’s only natural to want them to like you back in the same way. Whether couples choose to have a DTR conversation early on or later in the dating process is up to them. There is no one right answer for when these discussions are most appropriate. Those struggling with an undefined relationship may find comfort from confiding in an online professional, like a licensed relationship counselor.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What is a DTR conversation?
A DTR or define the relationship conversation is exactly what it sounds like; it's a conversation where you define the status of your relationship with another person and decide if you're in an exclusive romantic partnership or not. During a DTR conversation, you establish the relationship by determining if you're exclusively dating one another or if you're going to continue seeing each other casually. You may also decide whether you’ll see other people.
During the dating process, you’ll eventually likely want to know if you can officially call someone your significant other. This is where the DTR talk comes in. Instead of reading dating tips and looking for signs of knowing if something's serious, talk about it. Bringing the conversation up can be especially vital if you’ve been wondering where you stand for months or if the topic has been on your mind for a while.
A DTR talk isn't a conversation that you need to have with someone right away or if you've only been on a couple of dates. The DTR or define the relationship talk is usually the point in which someone asks the question, "what are we?" or "will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend/partner?" After you initiate the DTR talk or conversation, you’ll cover the topic of if you want to see each other exclusively, if you want to have an open relationship, or if you want to continue dating casually.
How do I get the DTR conversation?
Initiating the DTR talk can be the hardest part. It's understandable that you might worry that you'll stress the other person out or catch them off guard, but if someone is mature, it is a conversation that they can be open to regardless of what the outcome is or how they feel. Maturity often includes being able to verbalize whether you want to date casually or be exclusive once this conversation arises. It can also involve the ability to accept another person's answer, even if it's not the one you want to hear. Accepting their answer doesn't mean that if someone wants to date casually and you want commitment, you'll agree to date casually because they want to. What it means is that you can respect their wishes, and if there's a disparity and they don't want to be together, you'll let them go gracefully.
It can be important not to force someone into commitment or lack thereof; pressuring someone into a phase of a relationship that they don't want to be in can ruin a new relationship completely. Additionally, if someone makes you feel like your feelings aren't valid when it comes to wanting to know where you stand, you can learn a lot about where this person is in terms of wanting a committed relationship.
When should you DTR?
There is no standard number of weeks or months where people define relationships. If you're dating someone regularly and see them frequently, it's understandable that the question is on your mind. If the question is on your mind and you wonder "what you are" or what kind of relationship you have with this person, it's likely that it's time for you to have the DTR conversation. If you're developing feelings for someone but aren't necessarily at that point yet, it's okay to feel things out for a little bit longer. There's no set-in-stone limit on how many weeks or months you should date someone before initiating the DTR conversation because, of course, you want to get to know them on a deeper level first.
Getting to know someone well enough that you're sure you want to move forward with them can take a different length of time depending on who you both are individually as well as the nature of the connection itself. A DTR conversation doesn't have to be intimidating or overly serious. A lot of people decide to initiate a DTR conversation during a romantic moment, such as one where you're out on a date together or are cuddling at home.
Can you DTR over text?
Generally, relationship experts recommend having the DTR talk and other difficult conversations in person if possible. Having the DTR talk in person can help you to avoid the nervousness of waiting for someone else's response and can be healthier overall. If applicable to your abilities, you may want to be able to see a person's facial expressions, body language, and hear the tone of their voice during a DTR talk. Despite the fact that it's technically possible to have the DTR talk via text, a more personable modality may provide you with a more positive experience.
What do you say in a DTR talk?
During a DTR talk or conversation, there will likely be some variation of the question, "Hey, we've been seeing each other for a while, and I was wondering if you wanted to make things exclusive?" You typically can express your wants as well as your personal stance on the matter to the person you've been seeing and can also get their side of things. If you have been dating each other for two months, it's likely that you have at least spoken about what you're looking for in terms of if you are seeking a long-term relationship or if you are looking to date casually and have fun.
It can be essential to initiate the conversation so that you're both on the same page. If you have already spoken about what you were looking for in terms of a relationship, it may absolve some of the fear surrounding this conversation. Asking if you are exclusive or not can clear the air and ensure that there are no surprises moving forward as to if the person you're dating sees you as a couple or not.
How do you know if you're exclusive?
Some people are interested in casually dating, whereas others are looking for something more serious. Both situations are okay, but it can be imperative to define the relationship when you're ready, both so that no one's confused and so that a person seeking commitment isn't strung along. You can understand whether you're exclusive once you have a conversation in which you define your relationship.
Communication is the only way to find out if the other person wants to be exclusive as well. If you've been seeing each other for a while, the chances are that the person you're seeing will be open to talking about defining the relationship at the very least, so don't be afraid to be the one who brings it up. Both of you deserve to know where you stand, and you never know; you might just end up being able to call this person your significant other.
How many dates before you become exclusive?
The amount of dates you've been on doesn't necessarily define a relationship, just as the number of weeks or months you've been seeing each other doesn't necessarily define a relationship. The only way to know if you are exclusive or not is to ask and to talk about your personal needs and wants related to the topic. This conversation requires honesty and trust. In your dating life, there may be a variety of nerve-racking questions or conversations that you have to ask. You will likely have to cover topics such as if you want kids or not, if you want to get married or not, and if you want to move in together one day. Even if those things are far in the future right now, it can be important to have the ability to talk about what you desire in a relationship and to ask questions when you're not sure where the other person stands on a particular topic.
How do you ask to be exclusive?
"Will you be my girlfriend?" "Will You be my boyfriend?" "Will you be my partner?" or "Do you want to be exclusive?" are all ways to ask someone to be exclusive. It can be important not to have expectations during these conversations. If the other person doesn't want or isn't ready for an exclusive relationship, it’s vital to respect that. Communication can be key in any relationship, and your DTR talk can give you somewhat of a window into the future in terms of how things will look when you have important conversations moving forward. Seeing that someone is receptive to a DTR talk can be a positive sign. At the end of the day, asking to define the relationship can give you closure at the least and have a positive outcome at best, so don't be afraid to make the move.
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