Do Dating Sites Help With Asexual Dating?
Medically Reviewed By Tanya Harell, LPC
Finding compatible partners is a serious problem for asexual people. It may or may not be difficult to find someone with similar interests or a compatible personality, but then the sex topic has to come up and throw a wrench in your happiness.
Fortunately, there are plenty of dating sites for asexual individuals. You don't have to suffer from being involuntarily alone forever. Both dating sites for asexual individuals and conventional dating sites can increase your likelihood of finding a match.
That's what this article will show you. You'll learn how to seek out like-minded individuals. You'll find out how to compromise when your partner is sexually-inclined. You'll even discover some valuable tips for overcoming the challenges of dating as an asexual individual. Let's jump in and see which of your dating hurdles can be knocked over right away.
Finding Like-Minded Partners With Dating Sites for Asexual Individuals
One of the primary benefits of utilizing a dating site is that it can help you find like-minded partners. Online dating sites allow you to sort potential dates by your criteria, meaning you can weed out some definite mismatches right from the start. Asexuals are among a minority, and chances are you're more likely to find partners who are not asexual than those who are. That's where dating sites for asexual individuals, in particular, can help you narrow down your search.
Another way that dating sites for asexual individuals help is not narrowing down partners but widening your search range. This is especially important for asexuals because it's so hard to find other asexual individuals. In any given location, it's a small chance that you'll run into another asexual individual, and even if you do, what are the chances they'll be someone you get along with?
Dating sites help you to find people who don't typically cross your local circles, either because they have a different set of favorite hangouts, they keep a different schedule (can you always imagine just missing your perfect partner because you go to the library at slightly different times each week?), or they live in an entirely different area from you.
Of course, if you identify as an asexual, you don't necessarily need to use dating sites for asexual individuals instead of other, more inclusive sites. Asexual individuals can form relationships with partners who experience sexual attraction. In fact, most asexual people who develop relationships do so with sexual individuals who must compromise on how sexual their relationship is.
Discussing Sexual Compromise
It's best to be upfront with dates about your asexuality. Of course, it's your own decision how much you want to share and how soon. Waiting too long to at least divulge your basic preference makes it more likely that someone will end up with hurt feelings.
The discussion of how to compromise on sexual activities can wait until a little later, though. If a sexually-inclined person and an asexual person accept each other as potential partners, they have done so, understanding that they have different preferences. Later, if the relationship seems to be developing into something serious or long-term, or at least has the potential to do so, it will be necessary to talk about what level of sexual activity each person is comfortable with.
You and your partner have a few different options, including just making up your solution. Here are a few suggestions, though.
Asexual Activity: Mutually Consented Lack Of Sexual Activity
You and your partner may agree not to engage in sexual activities with each other. Understand, though, that it may be frustrating for a sexually-inclined partner to have no sexual outlet. If you are not comfortable with any sexual activities, you may have to make additional compromises that allow for sexual expression for your partner.
Your partner may be happy simply masturbating on their own to relieve sexual urges. Or, you may agree to ethical non-monogamy, in which you consent for your partner to have sex with other people to fulfill their sexual needs. How you and your partner arrange the details and rules of such situations should be discussed fully with each other, and any other sexual partners should be aware of the situation.
Limited Range Of Sexual Activities
Another compromise option is for you and your partner to agree on a set of particular activities that you would be comfortable with. Perhaps this means that you will provide sexual stimulation to your partner without receiving sexual stimulation in return, either by manual or oral sex or by utilizing sex toys to stimulate your partner.
In this way, you can be a part of their sexual life without engaging in activities you don't desire. If stimulating your partner is uncomfortable to you, then don't feel pressured. If you've never tried this, though, it may be a good way to compromise on the difference in sexual desire.
Limited Occurrence Of Sexual Activities
Another common compromise between partners of differing sexual appetites is to agree to have sexual encounters sparingly. In this case, you may engage in a full range of sexual activities but only do so rarely. You may need to discuss a schedule or a maximum number of engagements with your partner, especially if you have no intention of initiating encounters.
Limiting the frequency of sexual activities may work best if your sexually-inclined partner has a fairly low sex-drive. But it can also work for individuals with higher drives, especially if you combine it with other compromises like those above.
For instance, you can agree to a mutual sexual encounter once every couple of months and utilize one-way sexual stimulation on your partner occasionally in between. Or your partner may be satisfied using masturbation in between sessions. Or your partner may utilize other sexual partners in between their sessions with you.
Ultimately, how you compromise on sexual activity is up to you and the person you're with, just like any couple. The two of you will each need to practice understanding the other's needs and preferences.
Sometimes, dating sites make these discussions easier to get out of the way early on. If you don't know someone well, it may be more comfortable to throw around ideas about what compromises might potentially work for you before you're emotionally invested.
Reducing Criticism of Dating Sites for Asexual Individuals
There are certain benefits to using dating sites specifically for asexual individuals. One of those benefits is that you reduce the chance of being criticized for your preferences. If you are in an online community where everyone else is either asexual or accepting of asexuals, you can feel a bit more comfortable with being honest with yourself.
Learning More About Yourself
Another benefit of utilizing asexual-specific dating sites has the opportunity to learn more about yourself. Many dating sites include forums and community sections where you can discuss topics with like-minded people.
Additionally, as you chat with potential dates, both the questions you ask and the ones you answer can help you learn more about yourself. As you ask questions, you may get unexpected responses that allow you to reconsider how you think about certain things. Likewise, formulating an answer to the questions posed by others may force you to consider things you hadn't thought about before.
Most people find that they need to chat with several different people at an online dating website before finding someone they'd like actually to meet. Talking to multiple people gives you plenty of opportunities for learning more about yourself and what you want.
Feeling Validated
The last dating website benefit discussed in this article is the advantage of feeling validated. Dating sites for asexual individuals and other sites that get you around more like-minded people can help you to feel like a part of a group. You start to see that there are people like you out there.
Isolation is not good for anyone, and even if you have lots of friends, it can be isolating to feel like you are different from them in some basic way. Seeking out people who share that difference gives you a sense of belonging that is difficult to get otherwise.
Unique Relationship Challenges
Dating sites really can help you overcome some of the unique challenges of dating as an asexual individual. To recap, here are the major ways they help:
- They make it easier to find like-minded people to date because you can find out preliminary information from profiles and chatting before ever meeting.
- Dating sites specific to asexuals help you find partners compatible with your physical intimacy style.
- Dating sites may make it more comfortable to get big issue topics out of the way before pursuing a relationship.
- Dating sites make it easier to find compatible individuals that you wouldn't have run into otherwise.
- Using dating sites to find the right kinds of people to talk to helps you reduce the chance of being criticized for your preferences.
- Pinning down a profile and going through the question and answer phase of preliminary dating can help you learn more about yourself.
- Knowing that other people like you are also seeking relationships helps you to feel validated in your experience.
Of course, some challenges will have to be dealt with head-on, such as discussions on compromising physical intimacy. Even two asexual individuals may have to compromise on this issue. That's because not every asexual person is the same.
You may be a person who enjoys cuddling or even kissing your emotional partner, but you may find a partner who does not enjoy any physical expressions of intimacy. Although neither of you may experience sexual attraction or desire, you would still need to compromise on other display affection levels.
If you're having trouble compromising physical intimacy, either with a sexually-inclined partner or an asexual partner, consider utilizing couples therapy to set mutual boundaries and expectations.
What If You Don't Want To Use A Dating Site?
Although dating sites have many benefits for asexual people searching for partners, you have other options. The best way to look for potentially fitting partners without using a website is to think about the kind of person you would be comfortable within a relationship with and start spending time at the kinds of places those people spend time at.
Also, pay attention to the people who frequent your favorite places. A compatible date may be right under your nose.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Is there a dating site for asexuals?
Asexual Cupid is one of the most well-known dating sites for people who are asexual. Asexual Cupid allows you to select your romantic orientation when signing up and what you're looking for in terms of a person's age range and so on. In addition to ace dating sites, some dating apps or websites that aren't specific to asexual people also allow you to select "asexual" as an option for your sexuality. If you just realized that you're asexual, you might be looking for other people who identify as asexual to make friends with as well. Having a friend who is also asexual or aromantic can be comforting. Some people join online forums before they say, "I'm asexual" out loud. To find an asexual forum, search the web for "asexual forum," "asexual and or aromantic forum," "asexual or aromantic forum," 'aromantic asexual forum," or other similar terms. In some areas, there are also in-person groups designed for asexual people to meet each other. If you decide to meet up with people you met online, make sure you use the proper safety measures.
Can you date someone if you're asexual?
Absolutely! Many people who fall under the asexual umbrella date and have fulfilling happy relationships.
What is asexual dating?
Asexual dating refers to dating as a person who is asexual or as a person who is on the asexual spectrum. Many asexual people refer to themselves as "ace," so dating as a person on the asexual spectrum may also be called "ace dating." Remember that being aromantic and being asexual isn't the same thing and that being asexual doesn't mean you're also aromantic. Many people identify as asexual and are alloromantic. If someone identifies as an aromantic asexual person, they're both aromantic and asexual. If someone identifies as asexual but alloromantic, they're asexual but not aromantic. Many ace dating sites or aromantic and asexual communities and forums allow options for both asexual and aromantic people.
How do you deal with an asexual partner?
Here are some things to do if your partner says, "I'm asexual" or tells you that they're on the asexual spectrum:
- Thank them. If this is their first time coming out or saying, "I'm asexual," thank them for sharing that with you. Coming out as asexual or aromantic can be hard; not everyone knows what it means to be asexual or aromantic, and it can be scary to say, "I'm asexual" for the first time, especially if you don't know how someone will react or what this means for a relationship moving forward. No matter what your partner coming out as asexual might mean, start by thanking them for trusting you with the information.
- Validate them. Again, some don't understand what it means to be asexual or aromantic. If your partner says, "I'm asexual," validate them. Asexuality is real, and it is not something to be "fixed," nor is it a medical problem. After you thank them for telling you, let them know that it's great that they figured it out. You may even say something like, "there are probably more asexual people than those who are out - I'm proud of you, and again, so grateful that you told me."
- Respect their boundaries. If the person you're with is on the asexual spectrum and you're not, check in with them about sexual boundaries and talk about what this means for your relationship. What's okay and what's not? What do they want to do moving forward in terms of sex? Whatever the answer is, respect that.
- If needed, talk about what you both want to do moving forward. After you talk with your partner about what this means for your relationship, chat about what this means for the relationship moving forward. Some asexual people are in polyamorous relationships, some are in monogamous relationships, and some are in open relationships. Additionally, since asexuality is a spectrum, everyone who is asexual is involved in a different level of sexual activity. Some are sex-repulsed, where some aren't, and some have sex, where others do not. These are all things that could impact what happens. Some people do choose to split up after they or their partner comes out as asexual. It's all okay. Just make sure that both of you are respected and that your conclusion is one that allows both of your needs to be met. You might even try changing certain things in the relationship and decide to check in later.
If it feels like you're "dealing" with a partner who falls under the asexual umbrella or that it's a burden, it's time to either work it out or break it off. No one's sexuality is something to "deal" with, and a person on the asexual spectrum who wants a relationship deserves one where they are respected and valued. People who identify as asexual or fall under the asexual umbrella can be incredible partners just like anyone else. It's all about if you're a good fit or not. If you're not, that's okay, but neither of you is at fault.
Do asexual people kiss?
Yes! Plenty of asexual people are very romantic people who enjoy kissing and other displays of affection. Asexual doesn't mean that, if you're asexual, you don't like physical touch at all. People who are asexual and or asexual or aromantic are all comfortable with different physical touch levels, just like both alloromantic and allosexual. Asexual relationships for those who identify as asexual and do not have sex (this is sometimes the case, but not always) often look exactly like any other relationship, just without the sex. However, everyone is different. It's important to have a conversation after a partner says, "I'm asexual," because asexuality is a spectrum and different people want and/or are okay with different things. Ask them what that means for them. Allow them to explain to you where they are on the asexual spectrum and any other details of how they personally experience asexuality. If you're asexual, know that anyone you meet should respect it when you say, "I'm asexual," and that whatever being asexual means to you, you're not alone. Asexual visibility is important, and as it increases, we will continue to see more asexual people in the world and more opportunities for asexual people to connect.
